Winter is here!!!

It is getting colder in Minot and we are ready for winter. It is snowing already in North Dakota. We have a couple more things to get and have to organize one more room then we are done. Next week I am going to meet with a nutritionist. Darin and I are eating alot healthier now then we ever were but I want to see if she can give me some more tips and some yummy meal ideas. I go in next week for blood work to see if the Clomid made me ovulate this time. It worked last time so I am keeping my fingers crossed that it works this time. Although I have nothing to complain about all the extra sex has been fun and oddly enough it has kept my mind off the baby. I know I know to much information but that's what happens when you are infertile, you talk about private things that many people who are not infertile don't care to hear. There is not much else going on here. Darin and I got alot of shopping done and the spare room is ready for our friend to stay in even though he wont be here for another few weeks. I will be working on Shadow and Spooky's room this weekend. It needs to be cleaned and rearranged. I need to finish some laundry then maybe do some dishes.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled for this child. I have longed, waited, cried, and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I don't run from their pain. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cant make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

This was posted on an infertility page and it made me cry so hard. I figured I would post it so you could all read.

I really hope the Clomid works again and I have a healthy pregnancy and go on to have a happy healthy baby.

Am I Wrong???

The salute I did for Darin came out great! I am really excited that he got to see it. My morning was pretty great! Then after waking up the second time it is not so great. I really want to get rid of facebook for many different reasons but there are alot of reasons I want to keep it. I just cant decide! Today a girl sent my husband a friends request, that's fine he has tons of friends that are girls and I don't care. He is even friends with ex-girlfriends on facebook and it is fine. This girl is someone I don't like. When we were living at Nellis AFB she told tons of people I was pregnant and asked my husband one day if I was. I called her to ask her about it and she insisted she heard it at a party but could not remember who told her. Her husband now is a man who cheated on his first wife with her, she is now pregnant. Maybe after the miscarriage I am just bitter or whatever. Honestly I don't think someone who would steal someones husband and lie about something that meant so much to me should be on my husbands facebook page. When she was telling people I was pregnant it bothered me not only because we could not get pregnant but because I was smoking. I don't want people to think I would smoke while I was pregnant because I wouldn't. I quite smoking April 3rd and I have not started again even though there have been times I wanted too. Am I wrong for not wanting her to be on Darin,s facebook page?

Last Day of Clomid

I am very emotional and very excited! I am so excited to get to the baby making! We have a real chance this month to get pregnant and I really do hope it happens. I have felt a little crazy the last few days. I cant stop thinking about everything. This blog will probably be all over the place. I do have some good news, a friend of ours will be up here in less then a month. Due to deployments and moving we have not seen him in a while and it will be great to hang out with him again. I am getting closer and closer to finishing my blanket. I thought I would have it done this weekend but I have more yarn left then I thought I did. It should be done and ready to use by the end of the month maybe sooner. Sometimes I don't work on it because Shadow and Spooky try and eat the yarn or just want to play. It is pretty windy outside. Before we moved to North Dakota everyone said the weather sucks and sometimes it does but I love rainy windy days and snow! Ok well I am off to clean a little, have a great night everyone!

Day Three of Clomid!!!

For those of you who do not know what Clomid is; it is a fertility drug that helps me ovulate. I think changing for the happier has changed my experience with Clomid. I am still crying about little things and I am very emotional but this time I feel alot more happy and hopeful. I just hope all my hope and happiness is not wasted. I want the Clomid to work like the first time. Darin and I watched Beauty and the Beast last night I forgot how much I loved that movie and yes it made me cry. Then we watched Blast from the Past and the dad in that movie that built the fall out shelter totally reminded me of my grandfather. I could see my grandfather building one. Darin and I have had a great day. We have gotten so much done! I put post its in the closet so I know how much stuff I have on today's date so I can really see how long stuff last. I totally have an issue with buying in bulk. Some times I feel like I am going to run out of something that I need or not have something. Crazy I know! Well I am off to cook and relax with Darin.

Phone Salute *Friday 6am - 10am on HLN*

Today has been a great day so far. I did a phone salute for Darin that will air on HLN, on Morning Express with Robin Meade. Between 6am and 10am eastern on Friday! I am so excited about it! I cried when I was talking but that's ok. I started Clomid today and I have already cried a few times. Mainly about stupid things like Shadow and Spooky were sleeping together and it was just so cute it made me cry. Yay for being really emotional! I have pretty bad cramps today and my belly hurts a little but other then that today is good. I have been cooking fish because Darin likes it and it is good for us. We had Salmon the other day and Haddock last night. Darin loved them but I am not crazy about fish. I ate it and it was not bad but it is not my favorite thing to eat. I am pretty excited about tomorrow, spending time with Darin just relaxing and watching movies. Right now I am watching Ice Road Truckers and this show is making me more and more excited for winter. I cant wait for it to snow! Ok I have to go finish making dinner now.

Changing For The Happier!!!

To the people who read this that are not infertile you may think this blog is crazy and weird but to the people who are infertile you will know what I am talking about. My period was late and I felt like I did when I was pregnant. I went to the doctor and had a pregnancy test. No need to get the results because my period came this morning. I have cried when I get my period for at least the last year. That fist day when it comes no matter how many symptoms I had of it coming I always cry. I cry because it is another month wasted and a hard reminder of not being pregnant. The last time I got my period I cried because it reminded me I lost the baby, it reminded me that Darin and I would have to start trying again. Darin and I had a long talk yesterday and he told me that I have been very different since the miscarriage but he understands. I want to get back to how I was before but I don't think I can. It was very hard for me and sometimes I am just sad and upset. I am going to try my hardest to be more happy and that started today. This morning when my period came I was not sad and I did not cry! Instead of looking at it as a month wasted I looked at it as a new start. I will be going on the Clomid on September 5th and taking it for five days. I hope it works just like the first time I was on it. I am not looking forward to being extra emotional but oh well. So if we hang out or you see me out and I cry its just the drugs. Last time I was on Clomid I cried about everything! Poor Darin could not even keep up with my reasons for crying. So the point of my blog is to let everyone know I am going to be a happier person and not crying this morning was a huge step for me. If you hear me be negative or sad try to remind me to be happy! Thanks everyone!