October 1st

Well September has ended and went by so fast. I feel like since the miscarriage the days, weeks, and months are just flying by. Today is October 1st and for me that means very different things. Only 20 days till my husbands birthday! It brings new beginnings, I am on the Provera so I can expect my period any day now and I am already in pain (thank you PCOS). On cycle day 3 I will start the double dose of the Clomid and honestly I don't know how to feel about it. I am excited because I want it to work but then I think "what if it doesn't work" a single dose of Clomid makes me emotional and crazy, a double dose is only going to make it worse. I will deal with it and hopefully we get pregnant this time! I would have been 28 weeks pregnant for Halloween and I was really excited to hand out candy and look nice and pregnant. Now I am not sure I even want to do anything. When I was pregnant I thought to all the holidays and how pregnant I would be and now that I am not pregnant it is hard. I feel like a failure. I should be able to get pregnant and carry a baby with no issue, that is what ladies do! I hate that I can not give my husband a child right now! October should be a great month, it is my favorite month. Although this year feels different. Maybe it is not just about the baby maybe it is because we are not in Las Vegas anymore. Who knows? Some days I am happy and think positive most of the day and then there are days like today where I just want to snuggle with my husband and cry. I hate PCOS! I hate infertility! I hate being a failure! I hate pregnant people who rub it in my face! I guess October 1st is a day full of hate, anger, sadness, and a little happiness for me. I hope everyone else is having a better day.

Will This Nightmare Ever End???

I have decided that if I am not pregnant by next summer we are going to take some money out of the savings account and plan a trip to Disney World. It may not be the best place for an infertile to go but I want to have fun and go on a vacation with Darin. We have gone away together but always to visit family. Why save all this money for a baby that we may not have for years or ever. We should enjoy it the best we can. I am hoping we will be out of Minot by then and at a new base, maybe even a base in Florida and we can drive to Disney World. Everything I do and everywhere I go I think about "if I am pregnant" "if we have kids" When I go shopping to buy some new clothes I get them a little bit bigger just in case I am or get pregnant I don't want to have to waste money on more clothes. I don't smoke or drink at all anymore. I don't like going to places full of smoke because if I am pregnant I don't want it to hurt the baby. I eat crazy healthy and try not to cheat on my diet as much as I use to. I walk by the baby stuff in a store and try not to cry. I hear a baby crying in a store and I want to cry or punch the parent for not making them stop crying. I get so mad when people complain about being pregnant. I would do or give anything to be pregnant again. I would love to have what so many people take for granted. I wish for one day I could do whatever I want and not think about being pregnant! It would be a relaxing day in my head. For those of you who are not infertile you may think I sound crazy and maybe I am but I cant help the way I feel. Some days I want Darin to leave me so he can go on and have the children he wants with someone who can give him a family. I know he would never leave me but it makes me feel horrible that I am putting him through this nightmare. I feel like my life is a waste, I cant do the one thing I was meant to do. Life is simple, you are born, go to school, get a job, get married, and have a baby. I have never not wanted to be a mother. I hate that I have to go through this and people who should not have kids are on their 3rd or 4th. I know life is not fair but I cant help and think "why me?" I am trying to be positive but I really just need one day when I don't have to think about it, I don't have to have my blood taken, I don't have to take any pills that make me sick, and I can just relax.


Ok on to other news. Darin and I will be having Thanksgiving at our house this year. I am pretty excited about it. I love cooking and hosting parties. I don't think I will be making a turkey but everything else should be pretty traditional unless I decide to do Italian this year. I am sure I will change my mind a million times before then. We have already done alot of Christmas shopping and most of the gifts are already wrapped. I know it is really early but I love being ready.

The Results Are In!!!

The nurse called yesterday and she really is a bitch! she said my progesterone levels were 4.something so I asked if that meant if I ovulated and she laughed and said she had no clue. Then she reads the stupid paper and says oh its right here "did not ovulate up dose of clomid next month" then she continues to laugh and says "oh maybe I should have read it better" I was reading online and it said most OB's see anything over 2 as ovulating and they did the blood work a day sooner then they should have. I really don't like the doctors up here. I am not a medical professional but I know what blood work and when I need it done and they just ignore me. It was hard news to take yesterday. I hate that it worked the first time and did not work this time. As soon as she said I did not ovulate I started crying and the stupid bitch was laughing like it was no big deal. To me it is a big deal this is my life I would love if she could have read the stupid paper before calling me and delivered the news with respect. She said it like she was telling me I needed a band-aid. Every time she calls me she is rude and mean. When I go to see the doctor I don't deal with her so for now I am putting up with it. If she makes me cry again or pisses me off I am going to report her and change doctors.

Maybe I am just more hormonal and emotional but I am struggling with infertility I need someone who is going to deliver bad news in a nice way. I would have been upset the Clomid didn't make me ovulate either way but I did not need to listen to her laugh and really have no clue what to tell me before she called. Is it that hard to read a piece of paper before you dial my number?

Yesterday morning was a pretty bad morning but then Brittany came over. I taught her how to make one of my favorite recipes and we had a lot of fun. It took my mind off the news and the stupid nurse for a while. Then I helped Amy decorate the front of her house and we went for a walk. The day got better but the news still sucks. I am going crazy thinking of all the ways the test could be wrong. They did do it a day early! Maybe I just need to except the fact that it didn't work and move on.

Darin went to a friends house last night and had tons of fun. He got to shoot some guns and eat great food. He was to tired to drive home so he spent the night. He is on his way home now and I cant wait to see him.

Weekend OFF????

Today has been a crazy day!

I went in for the blood work this morning. I cried on the way there and on the way back. I really hope the Clomid made me ovulate this month. If the doctor does not call tomorrow I will call them to find out the results.

Darin has to work this weekend but he is fighting to have it off. He has worked over two weeks straight. The poor guy is so tired and just wants a day off so he can sleep, relax, and get ready for a test he has to take on Thursday. I feel bad that he is working so much and not getting any time off. I know the Air Force comes first but he needs some rest! I really hope he gets the weekend off!

Brittany and I made tons of cupcakes last night! It was so much fun. I hope the guys that Darin works with likes them. I am going to make them cookies next! I cant wait to make cupcakes for the guys her husband works with.

I want to share this with everyone. A lady on an infertility site said this and it is so very true.

Infertility is a disease with the same mental and emotional effects as being diagnosed with Cancer. It is loss of life and loss of dreams. It is a change in reality from everything you were ever taught in sex ed. "Relaxing" won't fix it. It won't just be cured magically whenever the universe says "you're ready to have kids." Infertility can lead to cancer and other major health problems down the line. Infertility is not Taboo...it is reality.


Sorry this blog is kind of all over the place tonight. I am not feeling to good. Thanks for reading!!!

Three Months Later

It has been three months today since we lost the baby. Right now we are waiting to see if the Clomid worked this month. When I got my period this month I did not cry or feel sad. It was a new start, I got to start the Clomid and try for baby number two. I have read my old blogs from the first and second month and I have to say I am in a way better place now. Yes I am still sad and some things still piss me off but it is easier now then I ever thought it would be. I still think about the baby and I think about what it would be like now if I was still pregnant. I am so excited for Halloween but I think if I didn't loose the baby I would be six almost seven months pregnant. Then again maybe the Clomid worked and I will be pregnant for Halloween. I am torn between sadness and happiness each day. I am sad for a few reasons; the baby, not getting pregnant again, the Clomid makes my hormones crazy, the "advice" I get, Darin is working alot, being away from family, etc. I think the things I have to be happy about are out weighing the sad things more and more. Things I have to be happy about; Shadow and Spooky, Darin is not deployed, family is only a phone call away, the weather is great (I like the cold), our friend is moving up here soon, I am making Halloween cupcakes with Brittany tomorrow, etc. When we got home from the hospital on June 21st I truly didn't think I would ever be happy again until I had a healthy baby, but I find myself alot happier then that day. I am glad I can now go out and not get as jealous when I see someone who is pregnant. I hope one day I wont be jealous at all but I think that will happen after I have a baby. It is still hard sometimes and every night before I go to sleep I think of how my life would be now if I didn't loose the baby. I still cry and right now I still believe I will always cry and have a spot in my heart for that baby. I will forever be a mother to a baby I hold in my heart and I hope I can be a mother to a baby I hold in my arms soon. I will fight forever if I have to and I will never give up. It’s going to be okay in the end. If it’s not okay. It’s not the end.

The only way to have a friend is to be one

I had a great day shopping and hanging out with Brittany. We got tons of shopping done and we had lunch at Mi Mexico! It has been one of the best days I have had in Minot so far. I forgot how much fun a full day of shopping could be. She is coming over on Wednesday so we can bake some Halloween cupcakes. I know it is early for Halloween but the weather in Minot is perfect Halloween weather. Maybe we will watch or listen to Hocus Pocus while we bake. We have been friends on Facebook for a while and I am so glad we have finally met in person! I cant wait for Darin to come home so I can tell him all about my day. I am still so excited about it! Darin and I are going for a long walk tonight as long as it is not raining. Then we are going to come home and drink hot coco, eat some cookies, and watch Hocus Pocus. It should be a pretty great night to follow a great day!

When we hold back on life, life holds us back.

Well let me start off on a good note. I am going shopping tomorrow with a new friend and I am very excited! It should be a fun day. Darin only has to go to work for a little while, he should be off but oh well. I am having a yard sale on October 8th and 9th. I hope it goes well we have stuff that we have not used since we moved.

Tuesday will be three whole months since we lost the baby. It has gotten alot easier but it still hurts. I took the Clomid this month so I hope it works! Friends that got pregnant about the same time as me are announcing the gender and it sucks. Darin is going out with some guys from work on Friday and I was invited but there is a person going that I just don't think I can be around all day. I wont go into the details but I feel bad that I wont go. What is worse? Going and wanting to leave and crying all day or just staying home and not going at all? I know it may seem childish or bitter or whatever but I just know it will upset me way to much. I don't want to put myself through that.

Well that is all for now. I am going to straighten my hair and get ready for bed.