6 months....

Today marks six months since we lost our first baby. One week and two days since we lost our second baby. It is hard, sad, irritating, emotional, etc. I am happy my doctor agreed to run test on the second baby. My due date for the first baby is January 6th and I have been thinking about it alot the last couple days. Right now Darin and I would be picking out the crib and getting the room all set up for a baby. Instead we are mourning another loss and waiting for answers. When we found out we were pregnant in April I would have never thought I would loose the baby. When we found out in November we were pregnant I was afraid I would have a miscarriage but the pregnancy felt alot different, more real. I would not wish this experience on any one but I hope people go through this will step up and talk about it. When we lost the baby and told people about it six months ago I was surprised how many people I knew said "I have had a miscarriage too." I know some people dont like hearing about it and some people don't know what to say when you do talk about it but why do I have to mourn in silence? I choose to talk about my pain and fears so that maybe someone going through the same thing will read this and know it is ok to talk about it! There is no reason anyone has to go through this alone and silent. If you don't want to hear about it then don't read what I write. The best thing you can say to someone going through this pain is "I am sorry for your loss and I am here for you" Unless you have lost a baby do not tell me you know how I feel because you don't. Don't tell me you know a friend who is going through the same thing and she got over it in a week. I will never get over this pain, I will deal with it but it will be with me forever! Six months/one week and two days: honestly it is easier then when it first happened. I still cry from time to time and I am sad that the due date is so close and I will not be bringing a baby home from the hospital. I am trying to not think about it all until we get all the test results. I hope they come back good but I am afraid I will never be able to carry a baby. I think this miscarriage is alot different then last time because this time I have Brittany. She is a great friend and when I start to get really upset she reminds me of the positive and she is here for me when I need her. She is a great friend and we have alot of fun while we are together. It is easy to not think about the baby while I am laughing and joking with friends.

i love picnik.com

Brittany told me about picnik.com and i love it!!! i have done at least 15 pictures lol. here are a few...

Christmas Party

I had such a great time!! It was a much needed break from thinking about the baby and infertility. Brittany is such a great friend!!! All of us laughed so hard and had tons of fun! Here are some pictures from the night....

Sorry it has been so long

I have been really busy. I got a letter in the mail and everything I brought to the doctor from the miscarriage is going in for test! The letter said the results can take up to three weeks. I really hate waiting but I am pushing it to the back of my mind and I will not make myself crazy thinking about it for three weeks. Some days I cant believe I lost another baby and other days I think maybe it was all meant to be. A friend last night told me that maybe I am going through all this to be a spokes person for it and help other ladies going through the same thing. I try to stay strong and sometimes it is easy but other times I just want to sit here and cry. Some days I am glad my husband and I are dealing with this and getting stronger through the process and other days I feel like a failure and just want to give up trying to have a baby. My husband has been my rock and I have been his. I really do think we were meant to be together and we were made for each other. We may argue about little things from time to time but we are best friends and that will never change.


Last night we went to Brittany and Will's house for a little Christmas party. I am still in some pain but it was so much fun. I am so glad we went! I have not laughed that hard in a long time. It was so cute watching the guys play video games! We exchanged Christmas gifts and ate tons of food. They really are great friends and I am so lucky to have them in my life.

We put the Christmas gifts under the tree today and so far Shadow and Spooky have left them alone. The did take two of their gifts but we let them open them and they played with them for a while. I am so glad we have a real tree this year!!

Last night was the night

I had the miscarriage last night at about 11:30pm. It was not as painful this time as it was last time but it still hurt. I did not go to the ER this time because I wanted the baby so I could bring it to the doctor. It was so weird looking at my baby in the palm of my hand. The nurse called this morning and said she would talk to the doctor and see what he wants to do. I am fighting for what I want this time and Tricare backs me up. I have talked to at least five doctors this morning and re telling the story over and over makes me cry. It is hard enough to loose a baby but now I have to tell everyone over and over again just to find help. I don't want to wait till my fourth pregnancy to even be tested for low hormones or anything else. It should and will be done next pregnancy. We have been trying to have a baby for three years. I have gotten pregnant two out of the three times I have taken Clomid, and had two miscarriages within six months. There has to be something wrong and I want to know. I don't want to keep blaming myself if it is not my fault but I wont know until I can find a doctor that will help me. We are looking into PCSing for medical reasons because I cant get the care I need and there is a infertility specialist but he only come here once every four months (I am on the waiting list) and a phone consultation with him is $375. I will gladly pay that if it will be helpful!! I feel alone (Darin and my friends are great I mean alone because the doctors wont help)! I need and want the doctors to help me and they don't want to do anything. My doctor right now wants to do blood work tomorrow to see where my HCG levels are but wont even do an ultrasound to make sure everything has passed. I was told this morning if I feel light headed or dizzy from loss of blood that I can call them or go to the ER. I love and miss both my babies and I will fight as hard as I have to to not loose another baby! I don't care what anyone thinks, Darin and I will fight for what we want done no matter what other people say. I have every right to be sad and upset right now. I know I will be happy again but I will never be the person I was and if you don't like it then I don't need you in my life. I will never forget or get over my loss, my babies will forever have a place in my heart. From time to time I might have a bad day and all I can ask of my family and friends is let me have my bad day because tomorrow is always better.

"go home and wait to miscarry"

"Go home and wait to miscarry" is what I was told yesterday after my ultrasound. They found a 6 week fetus (it should have been 8 weeks) with no heart beat. The baby died one to two weeks ago. The doctor did not recommend a D&C or offer me pain killers. I am not in any pain yet but if this time is like last time it is going to hurt. I was reading online and it sounds like I had a Missed Miscarriage but I guess the doctor didn't think that or care. I am mad that the doctor did nothing but send me home. I know the baby is not going to have a heart beat again but he could have at least giving me pills to induce a miscarriage. I am sitting here pregnant with my dead baby just waiting. This time around is alot different not only physically but emotionally. It is hard for sure but this time unlike last time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Last time it felt like the end of the world and everyone said it would be ok but at the time it just felt like shit. This time I know it will be ok, we got through it once we will get through it again. I know my baby died and the doctors cant do anything to change that but I would like more attention or something other then being told to go home and wait.

I am really sad this is happening again! I want to be able to get pregnant and carry the baby full term and have a healthy baby. I want to know why I am having miscarriages but doctors here in Minot don't want to do any kind of test until I loose a third baby. I am confused why my doctor would say "get pregnant again and miscarry again and then I will help you figure out what is going on." I feel like a failure, I should be able to get pregnant easy and have a healthy pregnancy. Maybe the miscarriages are not my fault but until I know for sure they feel like my fault. I am the one with the issue getting pregnant and maybe it is me that cant carry a baby. I cant think of anything I do wrong during the pregnancy! I eat right, I don't drink or smoke, I don't have caffeine, no deli meat, I drink milk to give the baby calcium even though milk makes my stomach hurt sometimes. Maybe there is something wrong with my hormones, or my blood, or maybe my uterus is tilted, something! I don't know why the doctor wont just help me figure it out! I don't want to do this again just to get answers I want answers now so that next pregnancy will be healthy and last nine months! This is not what I had in mind for Christmas but I cant change it so we have to deal with it.

I have some great friends in Minot!! They have got together and are making Darin and I dinner for the next week. It is great to have an awesome support system! We all may complain from time to time about this place but in the end we are here for each other!

I had rather have a fool make me merry, than experience make me sad

I sit here in bed, in the dark. The only noise is Darin breathing, Shadow and Spooky playing, and me typing. I had a dream last night that I was nine months pregnant in the hospital the day before I was being induced and everything was fine, the baby was healthy! Then I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom and there was a little blood. Being pregnant this time compared to last time just feels different. It feels so much more real this time. I am trying to be positive. Come Friday everything will be fine and this will turn into a little bump in the road. Then I think what if something happens? I don't want to loose my baby again, I don't want to disappoint everyone again. I want to have a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy. I have done everything I can right! I don't know what I am fucking up! I sit here crying not only for the baby but for myself and most of all for Darin. I don't want to make him deal with this again, I don't want to hurt him again! I want to be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby! Is that too much to ask for? I hate that we have to wait till Friday to see if the baby is ok.