Pictures for the week, Day 4 to Day 9

Day 4 a place you would like to visit. Italy!!!

Day 5 a photo that makes you laugh. Spooky!

Day 6 a photo of someone you love. my hubby, i love him with all my heart!

Day 7 someone you miss. my mom and sister!

Day 8 favorite band. Miranda Lambert!

Day 9 yourself as a baby or child. I dont have any on this computer....

ill post more pictures next week!!!

Thursday

At the end of April 2010 when we found out we were pregnant it felt like time stopped. We were so excited and could not wait to have the baby. Time seemed like it was going by so slow. Then June 2010 I had a miscarriage and all my hopes and dreams for that baby died. Time has gone by pretty fast since the first miscarriage. The due date is Thursday, it is a day I have thought about alot. I hope that the due date can bring a final end to this chapter of my life. I will not forget the pain and I will never forget my baby! This week should be exciting and busy, instead it is sad and emotional. I should be having a baby not thinking about the two babies I have lost. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real like I was never pregnant in the first place. Other times it is so real I cant stop crying. My heart hurts and I feel empty. When the doctor walked in the room in April and said "you are pregnant" all I thought of was the baby. I was so excited and loved the baby so much. I thought about finding out the gender and I thought about the due date. I knew how I would set up the baby's room and I could not wait to hold my baby. Being infertile sucks, I am glad the Clomid has worked two out of three times but I want the happy ending. I cant even put into words the pain I feel. I hate that I am putting Darin through all this bullshit. I know he loves me and would never leave me because of this but I still hate myself sometimes. Not all the test results are back yet so I still don't know if the miscarriages are my fault or not. Sometimes it is just hard to not blame myself. Maybe it is because it is easier to blame myself then sit here thinking "why me?" There are so many things I want to be different but in the end all I want is to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. Yes I know my life could be worse but right now it feels like shit no matter what you say. I don't need to be told it is not my fault because with out the test results you don't know that. Please don't tell me it will all work out or it will all be ok. Right now I feel like a failure and I hope I will have a baby but I need to be ready to hear that I will never carry a baby. I am hoping for the best and trying to prepare for the worst. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a wife and mother. I try to be the best wife I can be and I want a chance to prove I can be a great mother!!!

Day 3 a picture that makes you happy

Day 2 pictures from a year ago

this was taken Feb. 2010 so it is about a year ago

Day 1 a photo of you!

this is me on December 21st 2010

30 Days of Pictures

Day 1: A photo of you!
Day 2: A photo of you from a year ago.
Day 3: A photo that makes you happy!
Day 4: A place you'd like to visit.
Day 5: A photo that makes you laugh.
Day 6: A photo of someone you love.
Day 7: Someone you miss.
Day 8: Favorite band or musician.
Day 9: Yourself as a baby/child.
Day 10: A random photo of yourself!
Day 11: A night you won't forget!
Day 12: A day you were really happy!
Day 13: A photo of your fav Movie.
Day 14: A photo of your best friend(s)
Day 15: You and a family member.
Day 16: A photo from your childhood.
Day 17: A trip you'll never forget.
Day 18: Your Hometown!
Day 19: Last summer!
Day 20: Something you ate today!
Day 21: Someone you find attractive.
Day 22: A photo of a good memory.
Day 23: Something you want to do someday.
Day 24: What you want to be when you grow up.
Day 25: Photo that inspires you.
Day 26: Favorite subject in school.
Day 27: Something you look forward to.
Day 28: Someone that made your day.
Day 29: Favorite person from history.
Day 30: A photo you find Beautiful.

Im going to try and do this! we will see how it turns out lol

New Year = No Sleep

Last night was awesome. I have NEVER spent New Years Eve/New Years Day with my hubby. This was the year we were able to be together. We watched a movie, ate some great food, watched tv, and watched the ball drop at 11pm.(stupid central time) We kissed at midnight and I cried. I cried because I was happy we were together, I was happy 2010 was over, and happy 2011 was starting. Darin was not feeling good later so he went to sleep about 2:30am. I was still wide awake and didn't fall asleep until 4am. I was up at 7:30am to pee and then slept off and on till 10:20am. I really don't know why I have such trouble sleeping. Some days I sleep ten hours and feel like I slept for two, other days I sleep four hours and wake up well rested and ready for the day. Sometimes I am just tired and cranky because I cant sleep. Darin on the other hand can sleep for hours and hours and not wake up once. I woke him up at 10:30am and asked what time he wanted to get up, he said "11" then went right back to sleep. I guess like 2010, 2011 will be full of sleepless nights and waking up way to early, oh what joy that is. Aside from not sleeping good the New Year has started off great. I am so happy I got to spend it with my husband!