road trips could be more fun

We got to North Carolina safe and sound. The weather was not nice to us. The last hour of our trip it rained so bad I could hardly see the road. It is nice to be here spending time with family. I wish I felt better but I know feeling sick is a good sign. We were on the road for about 10 hours a day and it was pretty fun (except for the weather) We will be heading to Virginia on the 16th then back here.

Pregnancy news ~ I feel crazy sick most of the time but as the weeks have gone by it has gotten better. I am pretty tired all the time but it is nice I can just relax. I will be 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I hope the baby goes full term with no issues. I don't have medical insurance and we are looking into using a midwife and doing a home birth. Some people think I am crazy but I think doing it at home will be safer and the baby and I can bond faster.

Feeling Good!!!!

I have to say I feel pretty good! Someone told me once that if my husband ever got out of the Military we would be broke. I am happy to say we are pretty far from broke. We have our rent already paid for the next two months, we are getting ready to go on vacation, and we have money in our savings account. I am so glad we are debt free and able to stay that way. When I was denied state medical insurance for the pregnancy I could not believe it. At the end of the day my husband and I are so lucky to have the money to pay for a doctor! We worked hard for the things we have and the money we have saved. You can save money too so don't give me some sob story about how much life sucks. Life is what you make it. I want my life to be great and after struggling with infertility I could be nothing but happy right now. I am so grateful to be pregnant and I am making the best of every moment I have. After Weylin and Holly died I looked at my life and knew I needed to live life to the fullest and stop wasting time being upset.

Road Trip news~ we are leaving tomorrow and I am still nervous to leave Shadow and Spooky. I know it is better for them if we don't take them but I am going to miss them so much! They are like kids to me and being away from them will be hard. All in all I'm sure the trip will be fun and the cats will be fine!

road trip....

We are getting ready to take a road trip so Darin can take test at different police departments in different states. We are also going to see his family. It should be a fun trip all in all but leaving Shadow and Spooky has me a bit nervous. I have not been away from them for more then a week. I'm sure they will be fine with my mom but I am still going to miss them like crazy! I would love to take Shadow and Spooky with us but I know they hate being in the car. Since it is getting warmer we are going to have Shadow groomed again. He looks so freaking cute when his fur is cut.

Pregnancy news: Tomorrow will mark 11 weeks pregnant. The morning sickness is starting to get better but my head seems to hurt all the time. My mood swings are getting worse and I am crying a bit more. I cant even put into words how scary it is to be pregnant after having 2 miscarriages. I want this little bean to stick and be the baby we get to hold in our arms after all these years of trying. I feel so lonely sometimes. Alot of my infertile friends wont talk to me anymore and I understand why it just sucks. I know they are happy for me but me being pregnant is a reminder they are not. I have been there and I get it. Its funny how such a happy time in your life can make people act kind of mean. I don't post much on facebook about my pregnancy because I know it bothers some people. I got a not so nice email telling me my baby could die at any minute and I should not be so excited. Don't you think I know that???? I need to make myself be excited because if this baby does make I want to be able to tell him how happy I was not how afraid I was. I need to be strong and don't need a reminder from someone I hardly talk to.

saying goodbye

After 5 years and 2 months I had to say goodbye to my car. It was the first and only car I bought myself. We had some good times and some shitty breakdowns. I sold my care a couple days ago and I have to admit I do miss it. In the long run it was the best thing for our family. Maybe in a few months we will sell Darin's truck and get an SUV or we will just wait till we need a second car and go from there. It was hard having to say goodbye to all the good times but I will always have the memories.

heart beat

When I was pregnant with Weylin we never even had an ultrasound. Then when I was pregnant with Holly we got to see her little heart beat flicker on the screen! We went in for an ultrasound today and we got to hear our baby's heart beat! It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard. The ultrasound tech said that because of the PCOS I probably ovulated later then normal. I am 7 weeks pregnant today and the due date is October 15th 2012!!!! Here is a picture of our little bean!

I am pregnant again!!!

That's right everyone! I am pregnant for the third time. We did not use fertility drugs this time. My period was late and I thought it was just because I was stressed. Then I started getting really tired and peed on a stick! It was positive and we could not be happier!!!! Now I just need to get medical insurance and find a doctor! I am doing good so far, have a ton of symptoms and very excited to get further along. I am a bit nervous it wont all go as planned but I'm trying to stay positive.

Tomorrow marks the day Darin and I started dating!! I met the love of my life over 5 years ago and I really don't think I could love him anymore then do right now!

holding it in?

I am not really sure what to name this blog... Weylin Roy (first pregnancy) would have turned 1 the other day if everything had gone as planned. Holly Grace (second pregnancy) would have been 6 months old if everything had gone as planned. It is hard to look at what our lives are now and what our lives would have been. I cant help but ask "why me?" over and over again then I think, it is not just me! Tons of people lose their children all the time. It happens more often then most people would think. I feel alone sometimes, I feel like I am the only one. Some people don't like that I talk about my children because they died. I think anyone who has ever lost a baby should not stop talking about the baby! Why do we have to stay silent? Why can I not share my pain? After Weylin died I felt a piece of myself die as well. I didn't think I would ever move on, then I got pregnant with Holly. I was so excited to have another baby but so sad at the same time. Then after I lost Holly I felt the same pain all over again. I loved both my children and I only wish I was able to hold them, hear them laugh, watch them grow, and see them smile.

I know some people who read my blog may think I share to much or I am to personal. I have to remind myself that I am helping someone by posting what I do. Someone out there is going through the same thing I am and now they know they are not alone! When I first found out I was infertile blogs were what got me through. It was nice knowing I was not alone and someone out there knew what I was dealing with.

I hope 2012 can bring a better understanding of infertility and miscarriages. I want anyone struggling to feel good about talking. It is ok to open up and talk about how you feel because holding it in is so much worse.