life update and Aidan is 16 months old!!

I have become increasingly crappy about updating my blog. So much is going on and every time I think to write a blog I get distracted. We are still moving to North Carolina sometime in April. I am trying to pack but as of right now I think I have packed all that I can in advance. The exact dates of the move are still up in the air and Darin still needs to make a trip to North Carolina in March. The dates on that are still unknown as well. This will be our most last minute move ever. Even though we have known we are moving for a few months we will not have a final leave date until probably a week or so before we go. Aidan is 16 months old today! He is such an amazing little boy. He is talking more and running every where. He is still breastfeeding on demand and eating pretty much everything we eat. We had fish a couple weeks ago, I am not crazy about fish and didn’t think Aidan would like it but he seemed to enjoy it. He also seems to like mushrooms but they do not seem to agree with his stomach. He is trying to climb anything and everything he can. He is giving “high fives” sometimes and is now waving at everyone he sees. He is still signing “milk” when he wants to nurse. He will point and yell at things to let us know he wants them. He is still rear facing in his car seat and will be for years to come. Aidan will point to his nose, belly, head, mouth, ears, and penis when asked. It is pretty cute. If he sees your belly he immediately attacks your belly button. He has also been giving “Eskimo kisses” almost every time I ask. It amazes me how smart he is. He has a set of different color balls and if we say “get the blue ball” he will get the blue ball almost every time. We are working on the animals and their sounds now. Darin can still make Aidan laugh with the smallest things but I have to work a bit harder to get a laugh out of him. Aidan is such a great toddler! Every day with him is an adventure and I would not change it for the world. We are such a lucky family. Darin and I are so grateful to have each other. We work hard to make our lives what we want them to be. I love being married to my best friend. We have been through some hard times but I like to think we came out the other side stronger than ever. I still think of Weylin and Holly but the pain of the loss is so much easier to handle now. Instead of a stinging pain in my heart they are a great reminder of how strong I am. I have lost two children but I am still here. I was finally able to carry a baby to term and sustain his life with my breast milk. My body is no longer a failure. My body is finally doing what it was made to do and I am proud! Life is amazing right now and I am so grateful for that! I am glad we have decided not to have more children. I do not ever want to try to have a baby again. My infertility journey ended the day Aidan was born and I want to leave it that way. I do not want to be sad every month and I do not want to something that I can not have anymore. Now that my journey is over I can look back and be grateful for the experience but the pain of infertility is still with me. I do not want to start again. I am happy with life right now and I want to give Aidan all of my love and attention. He deserves to be loved and cared for with out interference. Darin and I both have sisters and hate it. We are the oldest and were treated like crap. Our sisters are the babies of the families so they were babied. The grass is always greener on the side I guess. I am sure some only children hated it and some people with siblings love it. Between the infertility and miscarriages I just can not bring myself to try to have a baby when I already have one. I got what I wanted and do not want to be greedy.

sorry it has been so long!

We have been so busy! Aidan is doing great and growing so fast! We are moving in a few months. We will be starting a new adventure and I am pretty excited. Right now we are cleaning out the house and packing. We are giving tons of stuff to my sister so we will not have to move with much. I'll try to update more often. Follow me on instagram at Brianna_marie_e

happy birthday AIDAN!!!!!

Aidan is 12 months old today!!!! He is such an amazing baby! He is walking more, trying to run, talking more, and climbing a lot more! I never thought we would have a baby and here we are celebrating his first year of life. I am so very lucky!!!

11 months

This is Aidan's last month as a baby!!!! I am sad but excited. I love watching this little man grow! 11 months old today! Aidan is talking more and more everyday and has tons of new sounds. He has been walking for a few weeks now! He has different facial expressions all the time! Aidan is so freaking cute. He has the most amazing laugh. He loves to climb on everything and push his toy box around the room. He is now signing milk almost every time he wants milk! Aidan is such a smart baby. He still is not getting much if any regular food, he loves the boobies! Shadow and Spooky are playing with Aidan more now. Aidan is still a bit rough with them but he is getting better. Aidan also loves to make a lot of noise, he loves to yell and bang anything/everything together. It is pretty cute! Darin and I are so lucky to have such an amazing child! We are going to soak up every last second we have with baby Aidan before we know it baby Aidan will become toddler Aidan!

the good

First I want to say that I am (now) so grateful for my infertility experience. Now that I have Aidan I look back and it all seems to have gone perfectly. I don’t want anyone to take this post the wrong way. Before Aidan was born there was nothing “good” about infertility in my eyes, but now looking back I can see some good things. 1. STRANGERS LEFT ME ALONE: Any time I leave the house with Aidan random people will come up to us and start taking to us. They want to comment on how cute he is or how well behaved he is. The thing that bothers me the most is when people tough him. I do not know why people think it is appropriate to touch a stranger, baby or not. So being able to shop without being stopped by tons of strangers was a benefit of being infertile. 2. GOING TO THE BATHROOM ALONE: We all know as infertiles we spend tons of time in the bathroom peeing on things. In the years leading up to Aidan being born I much have peed on hundreds of pregnancy tests and countless ovulation test. Looking back I miss the all the bathroom time I had to myself. Don’t get me wrong I think it is super cute when Aidan crawls around the bathroom opening cabinets and playing with toys but sometimes it would be nice to pee (or poop) alone. Even if Darin is home and I shut the door Aidan stand at the door and bangs on it until I come out, again I think this behavior is super cute. I use to dread going to bathroom to pee on a stick but now I look back and see that going to the bathroom alone was nice and I should not have taken advantage of it. 3. WEARING CLOTHES THAT FIT: Years ago if I lost (or gained) weight I would go out and buy new clothes. I have lost a lot of weight after having Aidan but I am finding it hard to go clothes shopping. I have always hated clothes shopping but now it seems like hell! Nothing fits right or it is not nursing friendly. So a benefit of being infertile was clothes fit me better before baby. I really see no point in buying new clothes because I hardly ever go out and when I am home I am topless 99% of the time. That’s all I have! I love every moment of being a mother. Being Aidan’s mommy is not always easy and sometimes I need to take a minute to collect myself but I would not change it for the world. Two years ago if you asked me what the benefits of being infertile were I would have laughed (or cried) and thought you were nuts. During our infertility journey I was sad, empty, lost, happy, hopeful, down, etc. It was the hardest time in my life! Now looking back on that time I can see some good. I see why going through what we did has made us better parents today. I love Aidan so much deeper than I would have if we got pregnant right away. Aidan will be our only child, we will never try to get pregnant again, I will never be pregnant again, Aidan will never have a brother or sister, our infertility journey is OVER! The day Aidan was born my dream came true. I will forever remember the pain of infertility and I will forever be infertile but I will never have to try again. It feels freeing to know we have the baby we always wanted and we can be done trying. I feel happy to close that chapter in my life and open a new one. I want this blog post to help other infertiles find hope. Your dream will come true and you will look back and know it all happened to lead you to that perfect child. I got that advise from a friend before Aidan was born and I didn’t believe her. I didn’t believe I would ever think anything good of infertility but she was right. Aidan was always the baby that was meant for me.

10 months old!

Aidan is 10 months old today! He is a great crawler. He is standing all by himself. He is taking 3 good steps all by himself! It is amazing how far he has come since day one! Aidan is talking a lot more and loves to laugh. Aidan and I love to share apples and breastfeeding is going great. Aidan loves when daddy is here to play. He loves bath time and loves to play with straws. He is an amazing baby! Darin and I are so very lucky to have him!

41 weeks and 4 days old!

Aidan has been out in the world one day longer then he was inside me! I had him when I was 41 weeks and 3 days pregnant. My body has truly amazed me these past 83 weeks. It is so powerful knowing that my body grew him on the inside and my body is making milk to sustain him on the outside. For so many years I looked at my body as a failure. I was unable to get pregnant because my body was just not working. Now I feel amazing! My body is not failing me anymore. Aidan is growing and thriving and it is all due to my milk. It was overwhelming at first to know that my milk had to be enough to keep Aidan healthy. I stopped freaking out and just let my body do what it was made to do. Aidan eats whenever he wants to eat and my breast make all the milk he wants. Going from feeling like a failure to feeling amazing is awesome! I honestly feel like a super hero sometimes! I make milk! What's your super power?!?!