Relaxing Day

I don't really have much to write today. It was a pretty simple day. We slept in this morning then went shopping. We got some last minute things for Darin's trip and he got his hair cut. It has been a nice calm day. We are going to lay in bed pretty early tonight. We are going to snuggle and watch some movies. I am so lucky to have such a great husband. I could not picture my life without him. It stinks he has to leave for training but that is part of being in the military. Even with the struggles we have had to face, we have stayed strong and grown even closer as a couple. I love him always and forever. He means the world to me and I would do anything for him. Today was a perfect day. I love having a relaxing day with my hubby.

Morning Drama

It is summer in Minot and that means road work. All well and good when we are notified of the street on the corner being closed. This morning my husband was driving home and drove over tac on our street. There was a truck blocking the driveway. The guys moved it and told my hubby you may not want to pull in. Giving it no real thought after a 16 hour shift he pulled in. Now there is tac in the driveway, on his tires, and in the garage. I call housing and they give me construction maintenance number. I talk to Ted and he is very helpful giving me another number. I call the other number and the guy said "I know I have men out doing some work but I am not sure where they are." So I call housing again they tell me to call housing maintenance. They tell me they wont come clean it I have to call housing. The lady at housing transfers me to an inspector. I tell him what is going on and he said "ok let me make a few calls and figure it out." He calls me back and gives me a number to call to give them my name and number, so I call and give them all the info. The guy calls me back and says "your husband should not have pulled in I am not cleaning it." I told him they moved a truck to let him pull in. So he came to the house and we were standing in the garage talking. He made me wake Darin up to get his side of the story. (that pissed me off even more, after working all night he needs some sleep) Darin stood there in his pajamas as I yelled at the guy. I am sorry but the guy in charge of them said it was their fault, only one side of the road was to be done at a time. I was not going to let him stand there and blame my husband for their mistake. There were no cones up this morning but they did not want people to drive threw it. There were cones up when we were talking and I said it would have been nice to be notified that the road was going to be closed. The guy said "the cones don't mean you cant drive you just have to drive around them." That really confused me, no cones you cant drive but cones mean you can drive. I honestly don't know where they find these people to work for them but maybe some training or a high school diploma should be required. In the end it felt really relaxing to yell at someone and he is in the garage now cleaning. Hopefully the tires and driveway get done to. I left a message for the housing inspector, Andy, to call me back so I can update him. I am so happy he was so helpful because with all the phone calls I was ready to rip my hair out. On a different note Darin needs to register his truck today and I am doing laundry so I can finish packing his bag. He leaves for training this weekend. I am going to miss him but I will be trying to keep myself busy. I recommend everyone yell at someone to feel better lol. Judging from this morning today can only get better.

Oh Sleep Where Are You...

These last few nights have been pretty shitty. I feel like I am dreaming all night and I can not fully sleep. I am so tired right now but I keep thinking about stuff and cant sleep. I am getting pretty sad that Darin is leaving for two weeks. It is only two weeks and we have been apart alot longer and it was fine. After what happened I am not sure I want to be alone. I am trying to be strong but there are still days I just sit here and cry and feel bad for myself. I have never really had tons of good friends but I have always had a best friend (not including my husband) but here I don't have a best friend. Although my hubby is my best friend it would be nice to have someone else. It is so hard to make friends and with the miscarriage I have only seen one person that I talk to up here. I have only gone out with my hubby or shopping alone. When Becky was here I went out with her. I want to get out more but I am afraid Ill fall apart. I am going to a potluck on Sunday and I am excited but nervous at the same time. I want to go and meet new people and have a good time, but then I think what if someone is pregnant or what is I cant be around all the kids. One kid at a time I think is fine but can I handle being around a group of kids? I guess I will never know unless I try and I am sure the woman will understand if I have to leave. I don't want to be the infertile one that no one wants to invite to things or the woman they all feel bad for. I don't want to be the woman who leaves crying. I am sure I am over reacting and the potluck will be great. I don't like crying in front of people. Well that's enough feeling bad. We are in a thunderstorm warning right now. I can already hear the thunder. I love storms so much. Although they are alot better when my hubby is here to snuggle with.

Dreams

I never have dreams that I am pregnant or have a baby. In my dreams pretty much everyone else is pregnant or has a baby. Two days before I found out I was pregnant I had a dream that I had a baby, it made me sad because I thought I would never have a baby (it was a hard month for me) Last night I had a dream that me and few friends were in a public bathroom taking pregnancy test. There were four of us there and three of them were pregnant, I was the only one not pregnant. The miscarriage was five weeks ago and I was thinking like everyone says I may have been more fertile after. So I was hoping I got pregnant without the fertility drugs this time. Now the dream makes me think I am not pregnant. I don't know what to think. Here is a day in my life as an infertile: I wake up and pee, check the toilet paper for blood. I go downstairs and eat pineapple for breakfast, pineapple is something that helps with implantation.(or so I am told.) I drink 100% juice watered down and water all day. I make healthy lunches and dinners so I get all my fruit and veggie servings all day. As I use the bathroom all day I check the toilet paper for blood. Not just period blood but maybe implantation blood not like I can tell a difference. Most of the time if I see blood in any form I just cry wishing my period would not come. I have sex with my husband and lay there for at least twenty minutes sometimes longer. I have to give his perfect sperm time to get into my uterus. During the day I look up things online, pregnancy symptoms, PCOS, miscarriage, things to ask the doctor, etc. Today has been a pretty shitty day so far.(I am going to make it a better day) I could not stop dreaming last night so I didn't sleep good and they are doing something to the sidewalks being really loud and it woke me up.

Just a few thoughts....

My sister went back home yesterday. The ten days she was here went by so fast. It was so nice having her here and spending time with her. It was weird waking up this morning and having no one to talk to and nothing to do. I really wish she could have stayed longer. Darin is leaving for training in about nine days, its going to be a lonely boring time with out him here. I have had some sleeping issues for a while. It takes a long time to fall asleep and then I cant stay asleep. I am waking up at least every two hours or so. I think I cant sleep because I cant stop thinking. I feel like I am always thinking about something, the baby, what needs to be done the next day, doctor appointments, etc. I have pretty much the same things on my mind all the time. The biggest being the baby. I want to be pregnant, I don't know how to be ok about it. I am so sad we lost baby and I want to get pregnant again right away. I know life is not fair and it sucks sometimes but I just want to get my way once. I want to get pregnant right away and have a healthy baby. I cant help but be jealous when someone gets pregnant and does not want to be or smokes or drinks while pregnant. I cant stand listening to people complain about being pregnant or their children all the time. I am always thinking about having a baby, I feel like it is a factor in all my decisions. I wish just one day I could go back in time before we even started trying and just enjoy a stress free worry free thoughtless relaxing day. Ok well lets move on to better news. I am so excited to go to the dentist next week. I know that may sound weird but I have a cavity and it hurts really bad so I want it taken care of. I think that is it for now. I have a few things to do before Darin wakes up then I have to go pick up our pictures.

Am I Crazy?

It has been thirty days since we lost the baby. Nineteen days since we starting trying to get pregnant again. I have taken one ovulation predictor test, one pregnancy test, and have had some pregnancy symptoms.I have checked the toilet paper countless times. I think I have had some cramps but maybe it was just stomach pain. I feel like I am stuck between a baby and a period. It could be either one right now I just have to wait it out. One will be exciting and the other will be depressing. When I found out I was pregnant I was so happy not only about the baby but about not having to worry about trying anymore. (Not that I don't love all the sex) It is hard to try and try and think you are pregnant then get your period. I don't know how to feel anymore. I feel like getting my period will make me hit a new low. I feel like my life is in rewind, we are back to where we were five months ago, just trying and waiting. I thought we were moving forward, we were about seven months away from having a baby now who knows how long it will take. Since the miscarriage it has been even harder to be around people who are pregnant. I know everyone needs to vent a little, but it bothers me so much when someone complains about being pregnant. I wish they would just stop and think about the millions of woman who can not get pregnant. I would give anything to be pregnant and have a baby. Some people just don't know how lucky they are. I deleted alot of my friends off Facebook because I was sick of logging in and seeing status after status of complaining about being pregnant. The whole time I was pregnant I felt like crap but I loved every second of it and I would give anything to be pregnant again. I hate waiting, I want to know if I am pregnant or going to get my period. With PCOS I may not even get my period and have to take pills to get it. Waiting is so frustrating I know I am not the only one who thinks it sucks. I really feel like I am going crazy sometimes: checking the toilet paper, crying when I see pregnant woman, crying when I see a baby on TV, not going to get togethers because kids will be there, etc. OK that is all for now I am done venting.

Our Little Trip Around North Dakota

My husband, my sister, and myself went to the Center of North America the other day(July 17). It was not to long of a drive and everyone had a great time. There was a museum and it was so big. They had different things like: train, old cars, old tractors, school house, general store, and much more. When we were planning the trip I thought we would only be there for about an hour but it was alot bigger then I thought. We walked around for about two hours and probably would have stayed alot longer if we were not so hungry. We went to the Cornerstone Cafe to eat, it was pretty good food and a really good selection. We went to a few other places around North Dakota as well. The Lewis and Clark Museum was pretty fun but we got there a little late so we did not have time to see it all. We also went to the Knife River Indian Museum, that was alot of fun. We then took the scenic route back home, seeing the view was amazing almost the whole drive. It was a long day of driving but totally worth it. We all had a great time and would love to do it again soon. I really wish my sister didn't have to go back home this week.