I laugh, I love, I hope, I try I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry.

Well today is CD2 for me! My period showed up way earlier then I thought it would this month but that just means we can get everything done sooner! Tonight we are playing video games and drinking. I don't really drink at all anymore but I am in the mood to drink and tonight will be the last night I can for a while. We are hanging out in our room and I locked Shadow and Spooky out so they would not knock our drinks over! We have carpet upstairs so we don't usually drink anything but water up here. Shadow had his paw under the door for a while but it seems like he is away from the door now. Earlier today Darin and I went to Walmart and then went to Oak Park and fed the geese some bread! I took a few videos on my phone but I don't know how to upload them on here. Today has been a great day! I love spending time with my husband and because of his job we don't get alot of it. We had homemade potato salad and turkey burgers for dinner tonight. Darin helped me cook then we made up a plate for his friend. We brought the food to his friends dorm room and I really hope he likes it! It makes me feel so good to do good things for others! Even though it is just making him dinner a couple times I know he enjoys it and he is a great guy and deserves it for sure! Sorry this blog is a little all over the place, I have already started drinking. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and then tomorrow afternoon I will start the Clomid! It makes me so emotional so I am sure I will cry alot but I am pretty excited! I really don't want to get my hopes up at all but I have a good feeling about the Clomid! Oh I almost forgot I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. I am so excited for her, she is a great person and I really hope everything goes great! I have to say at first I was a little sad, she posted a picture of her pregnancy test on facebook and it reminded me of what I didn't have. Then I thought about it and I remember the feeling of seeing my first positive pregnancy test and I cried because I was so excited for her and I hope I can feel that again very soon. She is one of the very lucky ones, her doctors told her she could not get pregnant and she even used Clomid and it didn't work for her, then out of no where she got pregnant! I have never met her in person but I still consider her a good friend and I cant wait to meet her and her baby one day!!! Ok well it is time to end the blog. I am not looking forward to the ultrasounds this month and it is not going to be to fun to be really emotional but in the end I hope it is all worth it! Darin and I will try for as long as it takes to have a baby but no matter what the future may bring we will always have each other! I love him so much!

it might be stormy now but it can't rain forever

Today was my last day of Birth Control! So whenever my period starts I have to call my doctor to set up a time for an ultrasound. Then on the third day of my period I will start Clomid for the fourth time. I have alot of mixed emotions about going back on Clomid, some good and some bad. I want the Clomid to work but there is always a chance it wont. I want to get pregnant again and I want to have a healthy baby and not have another miscarriage. Darin and I have talked about it and as much as we don't want to go through another miscarriage we know we might have to and I think we are better able to deal with it this time around. I am excited to see what our future will bring but I am scared to death at the same time! I want to be able to give Darin the family that we both want but I may never be able to do so. Sometimes I feel so bad that I cant give Darin kids, I feel like I let both our families down. Telling everyone we were pregnant the first time was amazing! Everyone was so excited and happy, we made plans for a big road trip to North Carolina and Nevada so everyone could meet the baby. Part of the reason I am not going to North Carolina in May with Darin is because I feel bad that I don't have a baby to bring with us. Telling everyone about the first miscarriage was so hard, I felt like a failure. The second time I was not sure I wanted to tell everyone we were pregnant again but it was to exciting not too! Telling everyone about the second miscarriage was a little easier but still made me feel like I had let everyone down again. I want to say if/when we get pregnant again we wont tell anyone but I don't know if that is true. Maybe it will be to exciting not to tell everyone or maybe I will be to afraid of letting everyone down again if something goes wrong. Maybe the Clomid wont even work and I will have nothing to tell or not tell.

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities

I know I write blogs about my husband often and you may be sick of hearing about him, but here is another blog about him! He is such a great guy! Yes we argue about little things and sometimes he bothers the crap out of me but he is the best man for me. No matter how my day is going he can put a smile on my face. I cant even put into words how happy he can make me even on the worse day. He works his ass off to provide for our family and I am so grateful for him. We are going to have pictures done on May 10th and I cant freaking wait. Darin is not very excited about it but he is doing it for me! I need to tell him more how much he means to me and how much I love him!!! I love Darin with all my heart!!!

PICTURES!!!

here are a few random pictures!!!

if you dont like it, then dont read it!

I have to say it is BULLSHIT that military will not get paid ON TIME. I also have to say that the military will NOT be working for free, they may not get their money on time but they will get ever cent paid back as soon as the government is up and running again. No matter what happens tonight the military will get 1/2 their pay on April 15th. I understand that not getting the whole check may be hard on some people but if you had money saved it would not effect you at all. There are civilian employees that will not be able to go to work and will not get paid at all while the government is shut down. The military could get paid better, they do alot for this country but they do get paid pretty good. We are a one income family and I am proud to say we have no trouble saving money, paying our bills, and buying whatever the heck we want. Although the military has for sure not made us rich it has given us plenty of money for situations just like this. Should the military get paid on time? Of course they should! I just don't see why people are getting so upset and blaming everyone else but themselves. You would not have a problem and this would not even effect you if you knew how to save money. You can say it is hard all you want but if it was that hard then no one would be able to do it on a military income. I think it is wrong that because people can not agree millions of people will go with out pay but the military will continue to work and they will get paid eventually. How about we all just deal with it and be grateful for what we have! I am proud to say my husband is in the Air Force and I am proud to say he would do anything to defend this country!

Blah Blah Blah!!! Grow up please!

Well here are my thoughts on the military MAYBE not getting paid. Darin and I have tons of money saved and can go months and months with out a paycheck if we have to. If the military does not get paid we will be spending extra money on food so I can cook for the people who cant buy food. Here is my opinion and you can agree, disagree, like, or not like it, I don't care. The military gets paid pretty freaking good. On one income my husband and I had no issue paying off his truck a year and a half early and saving plenty of money. People need to focus on saving money and setting up a budget. If you don't have cash for something that you want then don't buy it. If you want a new TV then save up the money and buy the TV, why put it on a credit card? Some people (NOT ALL) need to take responsibility and stop complaining and blaming other people. My husband and I work hard to save the money we can and we never buy anything we don't need unless we have the cash for it. The truck is now paid off and I am proud to say that when we go to buy another car (whenever that might be) we can and will pay cash for it. Saving money is not easy and you cant just do it over night, it takes hard work and determination but it can be done. At the end of the day the military will not let you or your family go with out food. Some people (NOT ALL) need to just grow up and learn to manage their money!

Ducks!!!

That is right everyone we got Ducks!!! They are so cute and I just could not say no. I am sad to say that the ducks will be leaving us tonight. They are going to a farm with tons of chickens and two other ducks!! I am sad to say goodbye but very excited that they will be free to run around and have an amazing life. Shadow and Spooky were not to crazy about the ducks but they didn't hate them either. We named the ducks Daffy and Quackers! They can be pretty loud sometimes and they poop all the time but they are very cute when they try to fly. I have never owned ducks and I must say I had no clue what I was getting myself into! Darin stepped up so much and helped! I think Darin is really trying to prove to me that if we get a puppy he will help me take care of it. We will miss Daffy and Quackers so much but I know a farm is a way better place for them!