sorry it has been so long!

I got sick on Thanksgiving night and I really wanted to die! Darin went to Game Stop for black Friday shopping and when he got home we went to the ER. I was dehydrated and the doctor said it looks like I have stomach flu. I still feel pretty sick but with all the pills they gave me I am feeling better. I am so thankful to have the husband I do! He has been great, taking care of me and doing stuff around the house. I am so lucky he is here for me!

Baby news/ Infertility news: as you all know we are on a TTC break for now. One year ago today we saw our second baby's heartbeat and it was the most amazing thing I have ever seen! It sucks that we are not trying right now but I know we are doing what is best.

Moving news: we are getting closer and closer to moving and we are both crazy excited! Darin will be going to school and I will be going to bar tending school when we get back to Vegas. Then we will figure out what we want to do after that and where we want to go.

Michelle Duggar is having a baby!

I have seen it all over the internet, Michelle Duggar is pregnant with their 20th child. I have spoke to many people about this and I am one of the few infertiles not upset about it. I have talked to many infertiles and some of them do not have very nice things to say. I love watching 19 Kids and Counting, some of the episodes are hard to watch but most of them are awesome. I love to watch their family and love some of the advice they give. I have always wanted to have a huge family. When Darin and I got married we were not on the same page about how many children we wanted. Now after dealing with infertility and losing the babies we have decided once we have one child we are done trying forever. All in all I am very happy for the Duggar family, they seem like a great loving family. I do get sad when I hear someone is pregnant but only if that person is doing more harm then good. Do I want to hear that someone on welfare is pregnant with baby number 3 and the baby daddy is in jail? Not at all!!! Although I do not mind hearing when great people get pregnant.

November 3rd 2010

One year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the second time. Today has had its hard points. I want so badly to be pregnant but we are taking a TTC break. We have not given up and we never will. It is hard to look back on this day. I was so said our first baby had died and so excited to be given another chance. I remember being so afraid to move! I didn't want anything to go wrong, I wanted to be able to see and hold this baby. Although losing another baby was hard I found a great amount of peace being able to hold this baby. Maybe by this time next year we will be pregnant or have a baby!

a little bit of everything

I am so excited to move and start our lives with out the military. Did I think we may be a military family forever? Yes I did for a bit, but now that we are for sure not staying with the military I am ready to move on. I want to start a new chapter in our lives! Although the military has not been all bad there have been some pretty rough points. I feel like we will finally be in control of our own lives and be able to live the way we want to. We don't know what we want to do when we leave but it is going to be a great adventure figuring it out. To be fair Darin is pretty sure he knows what he wants to do, he is just not to sure where he wants to do it. He will come first no matter what, whatever he wants to do and where ever he wants to go is fine with me. I will find something great to do with my life no matter where we are. I want Darin to love his job and be happy! Right now all we know for sure is we will be living in Nevada for a bit! I am so excited to party in Vegas again!!!

We are not sure if TMO is going to move our stuff or if we are going to do it our selves. Darin wants TMO to do it and I kind of want to do a DITY move. I have already started packing and the only issue I seem to be having right now is not packing everything!

Infertility news ~ I am on CD46 and the blood pregnancy test came back negative. We did not do fertility drugs in September and we were not sure if we were going to do them in October but I guess my body decided for us.

Vent of the day! Not having children does not mean you know nothing about children and it doesn't mean you can not give advice. Can I tell you what it feels like to push out an 8 pound baby? No I cant but can you tell me what it is like to want a child more then anything, finally get pregnant, and then lose the baby? No I am sure you cant.

Yesterday Darin turned 27!!!! He feels old but I think he still looks hott! I have pictures on my facebook page. We got a new computer and had to fix the old one so I have no pictures saved on this computer.

same page?

We have been doing alot of talking about our future. Right now I am on one page and Darin is on another. We agree on most everything but we are not 100% sure where we want life to take us. Thank goodness we still have time to figure it out.

Infertility news! My period is now nine days late. Two at home pregnancy test have come back negative. The last time my period was more then a day late I was pregnant. I am 99.5% sure I am not pregnant but that 0.5% is holding on to every bit of hope that I am pregnant. I think I am going to go to the doctor next week for a blood test. It would be great to be pregnant but we didn't do any fertility treatments last month so it is hard to believe I would even get pregnant.

Moving news! We have no clue what day we are moving or if TMO can pack and move all our stuff. Just in case we have to move ourselves I have already started packing! I have to say I LOVE packing! I am very excited we are staying in the same hotel in Bozeman Montana that we stayed in on the way here.

love!

We will be moving back to Nevada for a few months. I think we are leaving North Dakota in December but that is not for sure yet. I am so very excited to see my family again and live close to them for a bit! We will be taking a road trip to North Carolina shortly after we move to see Darin's family! I am so excited to be starting this new adventure with my husband!

A few months ago and even just last week I was so focused on things in the past that I wanted to do over or change. I was consumed with guilt and mad at myself for so much. I have come to see that some things are out of my control. Focusing on the past will not do me any good and I cant change anything. I need to focus on the here and now and move forward. I still carry some guilt and I think I always will. I still blame myself but only because there is no one else to blame. I want to be happy and living with the "what ifs" and "maybes" are not making me happy. I need to let go of the things I can not control and focus on the things I can control. From this day on I will try my very hardest to not live in the past, I will live in the present and look towards the future!

My husband and I are so lucky to have the things we do! We are lucky to be so much in love! We are lucky to be debt free and have a nice savings account. We are lucky to have such great families. Most of all we are lucky to have each other and to have our babies! We would not be the couple we are today with out our children and they will always be in our hearts!

No matter what happens or where life brings us we will be together. At the end of the day all I need is my husband.

everything happens for a reason

Our lives will be changing alot in the next three months. We are moving on to bigger and better things. We will stick together and love each other more and more each day. I am so proud of my husband!