Thursday, August 30, 2012

infertile mind

I feel like no matter what I will always feel infertile. I know I am pregnant and I could not be happier about it. The closer we get to Aidan’s due date the more nervous I get. Nothing is set in stone! Just because I am 34 weeks pregnant does not mean we are going to have a baby. Aidan could still die at any time or die right after he is born. I am not thinking negative but I am being realistic. Anything could happen at any time so I am trying to enjoy whatever time I have to be pregnant. This may be our only chance to be pregnant. We have talked about it a bunch and honestly I think we have decided not to do fertility treatments again. I always thought when you got pregnant your infertility journey was over. I was proved wrong when we got pregnant and had the first miscarriage. Then I thought “there is no way I would have another miscarriage” and it happened again. When I got pregnant the third time I was honestly just waiting for our baby to die. I know that sounds bad but after two miscarriages I never thought we would ever have a healthy pregnancy. Aidan may never be a big brother and I need to be ok with that. I don’t want to try anymore, I don’t want to put tons of medication in my body anymore and I don’t ever want to have another baby that dies. I am just going to focus on the here and now and be happy! I don’t want to look back on this pregnancy and regret anything.

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