Monday, September 27, 2010

Will This Nightmare Ever End???

I have decided that if I am not pregnant by next summer we are going to take some money out of the savings account and plan a trip to Disney World. It may not be the best place for an infertile to go but I want to have fun and go on a vacation with Darin. We have gone away together but always to visit family. Why save all this money for a baby that we may not have for years or ever. We should enjoy it the best we can. I am hoping we will be out of Minot by then and at a new base, maybe even a base in Florida and we can drive to Disney World. Everything I do and everywhere I go I think about "if I am pregnant" "if we have kids" When I go shopping to buy some new clothes I get them a little bit bigger just in case I am or get pregnant I don't want to have to waste money on more clothes. I don't smoke or drink at all anymore. I don't like going to places full of smoke because if I am pregnant I don't want it to hurt the baby. I eat crazy healthy and try not to cheat on my diet as much as I use to. I walk by the baby stuff in a store and try not to cry. I hear a baby crying in a store and I want to cry or punch the parent for not making them stop crying. I get so mad when people complain about being pregnant. I would do or give anything to be pregnant again. I would love to have what so many people take for granted. I wish for one day I could do whatever I want and not think about being pregnant! It would be a relaxing day in my head. For those of you who are not infertile you may think I sound crazy and maybe I am but I cant help the way I feel. Some days I want Darin to leave me so he can go on and have the children he wants with someone who can give him a family. I know he would never leave me but it makes me feel horrible that I am putting him through this nightmare. I feel like my life is a waste, I cant do the one thing I was meant to do. Life is simple, you are born, go to school, get a job, get married, and have a baby. I have never not wanted to be a mother. I hate that I have to go through this and people who should not have kids are on their 3rd or 4th. I know life is not fair but I cant help and think "why me?" I am trying to be positive but I really just need one day when I don't have to think about it, I don't have to have my blood taken, I don't have to take any pills that make me sick, and I can just relax.

Ok on to other news. Darin and I will be having Thanksgiving at our house this year. I am pretty excited about it. I love cooking and hosting parties. I don't think I will be making a turkey but everything else should be pretty traditional unless I decide to do Italian this year. I am sure I will change my mind a million times before then. We have already done alot of Christmas shopping and most of the gifts are already wrapped. I know it is really early but I love being ready.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Results Are In!!!

The nurse called yesterday and she really is a bitch! she said my progesterone levels were 4.something so I asked if that meant if I ovulated and she laughed and said she had no clue. Then she reads the stupid paper and says oh its right here "did not ovulate up dose of clomid next month" then she continues to laugh and says "oh maybe I should have read it better" I was reading online and it said most OB's see anything over 2 as ovulating and they did the blood work a day sooner then they should have. I really don't like the doctors up here. I am not a medical professional but I know what blood work and when I need it done and they just ignore me. It was hard news to take yesterday. I hate that it worked the first time and did not work this time. As soon as she said I did not ovulate I started crying and the stupid bitch was laughing like it was no big deal. To me it is a big deal this is my life I would love if she could have read the stupid paper before calling me and delivered the news with respect. She said it like she was telling me I needed a band-aid. Every time she calls me she is rude and mean. When I go to see the doctor I don't deal with her so for now I am putting up with it. If she makes me cry again or pisses me off I am going to report her and change doctors.

Maybe I am just more hormonal and emotional but I am struggling with infertility I need someone who is going to deliver bad news in a nice way. I would have been upset the Clomid didn't make me ovulate either way but I did not need to listen to her laugh and really have no clue what to tell me before she called. Is it that hard to read a piece of paper before you dial my number?

Yesterday morning was a pretty bad morning but then Brittany came over. I taught her how to make one of my favorite recipes and we had a lot of fun. It took my mind off the news and the stupid nurse for a while. Then I helped Amy decorate the front of her house and we went for a walk. The day got better but the news still sucks. I am going crazy thinking of all the ways the test could be wrong. They did do it a day early! Maybe I just need to except the fact that it didn't work and move on.

Darin went to a friends house last night and had tons of fun. He got to shoot some guns and eat great food. He was to tired to drive home so he spent the night. He is on his way home now and I cant wait to see him.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Weekend OFF????

Today has been a crazy day!

I went in for the blood work this morning. I cried on the way there and on the way back. I really hope the Clomid made me ovulate this month. If the doctor does not call tomorrow I will call them to find out the results.

Darin has to work this weekend but he is fighting to have it off. He has worked over two weeks straight. The poor guy is so tired and just wants a day off so he can sleep, relax, and get ready for a test he has to take on Thursday. I feel bad that he is working so much and not getting any time off. I know the Air Force comes first but he needs some rest! I really hope he gets the weekend off!

Brittany and I made tons of cupcakes last night! It was so much fun. I hope the guys that Darin works with likes them. I am going to make them cookies next! I cant wait to make cupcakes for the guys her husband works with.

I want to share this with everyone. A lady on an infertility site said this and it is so very true.

Infertility is a disease with the same mental and emotional effects as being diagnosed with Cancer. It is loss of life and loss of dreams. It is a change in reality from everything you were ever taught in sex ed. "Relaxing" won't fix it. It won't just be cured magically whenever the universe says "you're ready to have kids." Infertility can lead to cancer and other major health problems down the line. Infertility is not is reality.

Sorry this blog is kind of all over the place tonight. I am not feeling to good. Thanks for reading!!!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Three Months Later

It has been three months today since we lost the baby. Right now we are waiting to see if the Clomid worked this month. When I got my period this month I did not cry or feel sad. It was a new start, I got to start the Clomid and try for baby number two. I have read my old blogs from the first and second month and I have to say I am in a way better place now. Yes I am still sad and some things still piss me off but it is easier now then I ever thought it would be. I still think about the baby and I think about what it would be like now if I was still pregnant. I am so excited for Halloween but I think if I didn't loose the baby I would be six almost seven months pregnant. Then again maybe the Clomid worked and I will be pregnant for Halloween. I am torn between sadness and happiness each day. I am sad for a few reasons; the baby, not getting pregnant again, the Clomid makes my hormones crazy, the "advice" I get, Darin is working alot, being away from family, etc. I think the things I have to be happy about are out weighing the sad things more and more. Things I have to be happy about; Shadow and Spooky, Darin is not deployed, family is only a phone call away, the weather is great (I like the cold), our friend is moving up here soon, I am making Halloween cupcakes with Brittany tomorrow, etc. When we got home from the hospital on June 21st I truly didn't think I would ever be happy again until I had a healthy baby, but I find myself alot happier then that day. I am glad I can now go out and not get as jealous when I see someone who is pregnant. I hope one day I wont be jealous at all but I think that will happen after I have a baby. It is still hard sometimes and every night before I go to sleep I think of how my life would be now if I didn't loose the baby. I still cry and right now I still believe I will always cry and have a spot in my heart for that baby. I will forever be a mother to a baby I hold in my heart and I hope I can be a mother to a baby I hold in my arms soon. I will fight forever if I have to and I will never give up. It’s going to be okay in the end. If it’s not okay. It’s not the end.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The only way to have a friend is to be one

I had a great day shopping and hanging out with Brittany. We got tons of shopping done and we had lunch at Mi Mexico! It has been one of the best days I have had in Minot so far. I forgot how much fun a full day of shopping could be. She is coming over on Wednesday so we can bake some Halloween cupcakes. I know it is early for Halloween but the weather in Minot is perfect Halloween weather. Maybe we will watch or listen to Hocus Pocus while we bake. We have been friends on Facebook for a while and I am so glad we have finally met in person! I cant wait for Darin to come home so I can tell him all about my day. I am still so excited about it! Darin and I are going for a long walk tonight as long as it is not raining. Then we are going to come home and drink hot coco, eat some cookies, and watch Hocus Pocus. It should be a pretty great night to follow a great day!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

When we hold back on life, life holds us back.

Well let me start off on a good note. I am going shopping tomorrow with a new friend and I am very excited! It should be a fun day. Darin only has to go to work for a little while, he should be off but oh well. I am having a yard sale on October 8th and 9th. I hope it goes well we have stuff that we have not used since we moved.

Tuesday will be three whole months since we lost the baby. It has gotten alot easier but it still hurts. I took the Clomid this month so I hope it works! Friends that got pregnant about the same time as me are announcing the gender and it sucks. Darin is going out with some guys from work on Friday and I was invited but there is a person going that I just don't think I can be around all day. I wont go into the details but I feel bad that I wont go. What is worse? Going and wanting to leave and crying all day or just staying home and not going at all? I know it may seem childish or bitter or whatever but I just know it will upset me way to much. I don't want to put myself through that.

Well that is all for now. I am going to straighten my hair and get ready for bed.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Winter is here!!!

It is getting colder in Minot and we are ready for winter. It is snowing already in North Dakota. We have a couple more things to get and have to organize one more room then we are done. Next week I am going to meet with a nutritionist. Darin and I are eating alot healthier now then we ever were but I want to see if she can give me some more tips and some yummy meal ideas. I go in next week for blood work to see if the Clomid made me ovulate this time. It worked last time so I am keeping my fingers crossed that it works this time. Although I have nothing to complain about all the extra sex has been fun and oddly enough it has kept my mind off the baby. I know I know to much information but that's what happens when you are infertile, you talk about private things that many people who are not infertile don't care to hear. There is not much else going on here. Darin and I got alot of shopping done and the spare room is ready for our friend to stay in even though he wont be here for another few weeks. I will be working on Shadow and Spooky's room this weekend. It needs to be cleaned and rearranged. I need to finish some laundry then maybe do some dishes.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled for this child. I have longed, waited, cried, and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I don't run from their pain. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cant make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

This was posted on an infertility page and it made me cry so hard. I figured I would post it so you could all read.

I really hope the Clomid works again and I have a healthy pregnancy and go on to have a happy healthy baby.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Am I Wrong???

The salute I did for Darin came out great! I am really excited that he got to see it. My morning was pretty great! Then after waking up the second time it is not so great. I really want to get rid of facebook for many different reasons but there are alot of reasons I want to keep it. I just cant decide! Today a girl sent my husband a friends request, that's fine he has tons of friends that are girls and I don't care. He is even friends with ex-girlfriends on facebook and it is fine. This girl is someone I don't like. When we were living at Nellis AFB she told tons of people I was pregnant and asked my husband one day if I was. I called her to ask her about it and she insisted she heard it at a party but could not remember who told her. Her husband now is a man who cheated on his first wife with her, she is now pregnant. Maybe after the miscarriage I am just bitter or whatever. Honestly I don't think someone who would steal someones husband and lie about something that meant so much to me should be on my husbands facebook page. When she was telling people I was pregnant it bothered me not only because we could not get pregnant but because I was smoking. I don't want people to think I would smoke while I was pregnant because I wouldn't. I quite smoking April 3rd and I have not started again even though there have been times I wanted too. Am I wrong for not wanting her to be on Darin,s facebook page?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Last Day of Clomid

I am very emotional and very excited! I am so excited to get to the baby making! We have a real chance this month to get pregnant and I really do hope it happens. I have felt a little crazy the last few days. I cant stop thinking about everything. This blog will probably be all over the place. I do have some good news, a friend of ours will be up here in less then a month. Due to deployments and moving we have not seen him in a while and it will be great to hang out with him again. I am getting closer and closer to finishing my blanket. I thought I would have it done this weekend but I have more yarn left then I thought I did. It should be done and ready to use by the end of the month maybe sooner. Sometimes I don't work on it because Shadow and Spooky try and eat the yarn or just want to play. It is pretty windy outside. Before we moved to North Dakota everyone said the weather sucks and sometimes it does but I love rainy windy days and snow! Ok well I am off to clean a little, have a great night everyone!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Day Three of Clomid!!!

For those of you who do not know what Clomid is; it is a fertility drug that helps me ovulate. I think changing for the happier has changed my experience with Clomid. I am still crying about little things and I am very emotional but this time I feel alot more happy and hopeful. I just hope all my hope and happiness is not wasted. I want the Clomid to work like the first time. Darin and I watched Beauty and the Beast last night I forgot how much I loved that movie and yes it made me cry. Then we watched Blast from the Past and the dad in that movie that built the fall out shelter totally reminded me of my grandfather. I could see my grandfather building one. Darin and I have had a great day. We have gotten so much done! I put post its in the closet so I know how much stuff I have on today's date so I can really see how long stuff last. I totally have an issue with buying in bulk. Some times I feel like I am going to run out of something that I need or not have something. Crazy I know! Well I am off to cook and relax with Darin.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Phone Salute *Friday 6am - 10am on HLN*

Today has been a great day so far. I did a phone salute for Darin that will air on HLN, on Morning Express with Robin Meade. Between 6am and 10am eastern on Friday! I am so excited about it! I cried when I was talking but that's ok. I started Clomid today and I have already cried a few times. Mainly about stupid things like Shadow and Spooky were sleeping together and it was just so cute it made me cry. Yay for being really emotional! I have pretty bad cramps today and my belly hurts a little but other then that today is good. I have been cooking fish because Darin likes it and it is good for us. We had Salmon the other day and Haddock last night. Darin loved them but I am not crazy about fish. I ate it and it was not bad but it is not my favorite thing to eat. I am pretty excited about tomorrow, spending time with Darin just relaxing and watching movies. Right now I am watching Ice Road Truckers and this show is making me more and more excited for winter. I cant wait for it to snow! Ok I have to go finish making dinner now.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Changing For The Happier!!!

To the people who read this that are not infertile you may think this blog is crazy and weird but to the people who are infertile you will know what I am talking about. My period was late and I felt like I did when I was pregnant. I went to the doctor and had a pregnancy test. No need to get the results because my period came this morning. I have cried when I get my period for at least the last year. That fist day when it comes no matter how many symptoms I had of it coming I always cry. I cry because it is another month wasted and a hard reminder of not being pregnant. The last time I got my period I cried because it reminded me I lost the baby, it reminded me that Darin and I would have to start trying again. Darin and I had a long talk yesterday and he told me that I have been very different since the miscarriage but he understands. I want to get back to how I was before but I don't think I can. It was very hard for me and sometimes I am just sad and upset. I am going to try my hardest to be more happy and that started today. This morning when my period came I was not sad and I did not cry! Instead of looking at it as a month wasted I looked at it as a new start. I will be going on the Clomid on September 5th and taking it for five days. I hope it works just like the first time I was on it. I am not looking forward to being extra emotional but oh well. So if we hang out or you see me out and I cry its just the drugs. Last time I was on Clomid I cried about everything! Poor Darin could not even keep up with my reasons for crying. So the point of my blog is to let everyone know I am going to be a happier person and not crying this morning was a huge step for me. If you hear me be negative or sad try to remind me to be happy! Thanks everyone!