Tuesday, September 27, 2011

everything happens for a reason

Our lives will be changing alot in the next three months. We are moving on to bigger and better things. We will stick together and love each other more and more each day. I am so proud of my husband!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

english class is going well!

Darin got an A on a paper he wrote for his english class. he wrote about infertility and the miscarriages, i wanted to share his paper! he did such a great job and his paper made me cry

Road to Fatherhood

My road to becoming a father started a few years ago. I had been married for a few months and a baby was next in our life plan. After more then a year of waiting, wanting, and trying my wife went to the doctor. The doctor did not have good news; my wife has Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) that meant she only has a one percent chance of getting pregnant naturally. At the time I was not too upset about it, I figured we were young and still had plenty of time to have babies. Little did I know infertility would become a huge part of who I am and my daily life. We were in the middle of packing for an upcoming move so becoming a father would have to wait. The move went a lot better then planned and when we were settled into our house my wife found a doctor. There was nothing holding us back now, we were on our way to parenthood.

I was excited to get back on the road to becoming a father but not to happy about all the test we had to have done. I was for sure the lucky one, I only had a couple test but my wife was at the doctor at least once a week for a test. We went through a couple months of test and because of my job I was not able to go with my wife for any of her tests. Looking back I really do wish I could have been there with her to hold her hand and tell her everything was ok. My wife was given the green light to start fertility drugs. I will never forget the first day she took the Clomid (fertility drug), we were both so excited and hopeful that those five little pills would help us get pregnant and I would finally be a father. A couple days after Brianna, my wife, started taking the pills we were watching an episode of CSI and I looked over at her and she was crying so hard. I asked her what was wrong and she said “I don’t know I just need to cry.” That was the first time my wife has ever cried for no reason and it was one of the side effects of the Clomid. Of course the benefits of the Clomid helping us get pregnant out weighed the side effects. I don’t think I was ready or prepared for how much more emotional my wife had become and I was defiantly not ready for her mood swings. She would be happy one minute and then all of a sudden she would be crying like a baby. If I said something nice or sweet, like “I love you” she would cry. Still to this day my wife cries about the smallest things and she is more emotional then ever before. When we moved to North Dakota it was easy for me to make friends, but for my wife it was and still is hard. She says she often feels left out for not having kids. I guess it is different for guys, I have never felt left out for not having kids. Although there have been events and parties we have gone to and I have noticed we are the only couple with out kids. I did my best to be there for my wife during this time but for her the infertility was so much harder. She was the one with the issue and she blamed herself for not being able to make me a father. For me the infertility was something I knew nothing about but I have never once blamed my wife.

Growing up my father was not really around. He was never a man I looked up to and I certainly didn’t want to be like him. I wanted to prove that I could be a better father then he ever was. The day we found out my wife was pregnant will forever be one of my favorite memories. I had the day off work and my wife was not feeling well. She is very hard headed and didn’t want to go to the doctor at all. Through out the day she got more and more sick so I told her we had to go to the emergency room. They ran a few tests and about an hour after being there the doctor came into the room. He said “You are going to have a baby.” I could not have been happier then I was right in that moment. We had waited so long to hear those words. We tried so hard to create our child and I was so excited to be a father. All our dreams had come true and we were done trying to have a baby, our baby was on his way. I could already picture it; I was going to be so close to our baby and teach him everything I knew as he grew up. I wanted to be a mentor for him and make some of the best memories. I was going to be the best father I could be. We spent the next month or so telling our family and friends the good news. Everyone knew about our infertility struggle and they were so overjoyed.

One June day all of our excitement and dreams turned into sadness and fear. My wife went to the doctor for blood work and the news was not good at all. Brianna’s HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were going down and we were losing the baby. We were lying in bed watching TV and my wife was lying with the heating pad trying to ease some of her pain. She told me the pain was getting worse and I wanted so badly to be able to take all the pain away. I wish I was the one in pain so she didn’t have to go through that. I felt so powerless and weak. Brianna is so stubborn and wanted to stay home instead of going to the emergency room. It got to the point where she was on the floor in our bedroom unable to stand. I got her in the car and as I was driving to the emergency room I couldn’t help but think of everything I was losing. I was not going to be able to teach my baby anything, I was not even going to get to hold my baby. The emergency room seemed so quiet as if we were the only ones that needed help that night. My world seemed as if it was standing still, I was watching the nurse put the IV into my wife’s arm and it was like slow motion. My head was racing with all the memories that I was not going to be able to make. I sat in the chair next to my wife’s bed and I could not help but cry. I took her hand and I told her we would get through this. My heart was breaking as the ultrasound technician said the baby had died. Just the day before I was going to be a father, now the baby was dead and my wife needed me more then ever.

Brianna was released from the hospital a few hours later with a paper about miscarriage and told to call her doctor for a follow up. I remember walked through the emergency room doors to get the car, it was dark, humid, and raining. We got in the car and headed for home. My wife said “we should be leaving the hospital with a baby.” Instead we were leaving with broken hearts. My wife was put on bed rest for a couple days to recover. Brianna is not the type to sit around all day and do nothing so it was a challenge for me to keep her in bed. We spent a couple days watching her favorite movies and scrap booking. I had never really been to fond or scrap booking but I have to say it was very relaxing at the time and nice to look back at all the pictures we had from fun trips. When the doctor gave her the go ahead to get out of bed she wanted to go out but she didn’t want to see anyone. I remember thinking “how the heck can I take her out and not see anyone?” Then it came to me, FISHING! There is a small pond in Glenburn that was never really that busy so it would be a perfect outing. I packed us a picnic lunch and didn’t tell her where we were going. As we heading for the main gate of the base Brianna began to cry, I asked her what was wrong and she said “the last time we left the base we were on our way to the hospital.” My heart sank and all I could do was say “I know” and keep driving. We got to the pond and I told her we were going to fish. A huge smile came over her face. I had not seen her smile like that in over a week. We didn’t catch any fish but for the three hours we were there it felt like we were our old selves again. We laughed and just had a great time.

Since losing the first baby we have done everything we can to get pregnant. We found out November 5th 2010 that Brianna was pregnant again. Again we were so excited but this time was different. The risk of having another miscarriage seemed to be at the top of our list of things to think about. She was put on light bed rest and told not to do any shoveling or heavy lifting. November 26th 2010 we went in for an ultrasound and we got to see the baby’s heartbeat! It was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. Then on December 7th 2010 my wife started to bleed and she called her doctor. He sent us for another ultrasound on the 9th and the baby had no heartbeat. We were told to go home and wait for the miscarriage to happen. We were heartbroken again and now we were just waiting. On December 12th 2010 Brianna was in pain and the miscarriage had begun. This one was a lot faster then the first one and we had no plans to go to the hospital again. A few hours after it started Brianna went into the bathroom and the baby came. I did not want to see it but she wanted to hold it and save it so she could bring it to the doctor and have it tested. She has said many times it was easier the second time because she got to hold our baby. The testing showed it was a baby girl and she had chromosome issues and that is what led to her death. Since then we have done more rounds of Clomid but have been unable to get pregnant.

I can say that there are a few good things that have come out of all this. I live everyday to the fullest and I am stronger then I ever thought I could be. I have learned you need to fight for what you want and never let anything hold you back. My wife and I have become so much closer and I love her more today then I did the day we got married. Life has not been easy for us but we make it work and we always come out of every hardship a stronger couple. We are very lucky to have each other and I could not imagine spending my life with anyone else. I ask my self the same question over and over again and the answer is always the same. Will I ever be a father? I am not sure but I know our children have taught me to be the best person I can be. So I am not the father of living children but I am the best father I can be for our babies in heaven.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

all over the place

I feel like tonight has gone by very slow and very fast at the same time. Work was crazy slow so that was a bust but I did get laundry done and made banana pumpkin bread. I have baked three days in a row now and I am done baking for a while. I love to cook, I like to make up my own recipes and make them great. Baking is not that fun, everything has to be measured and done just right. The best thing about baking is how amazing the house smells! So Darin's paper for his English class (he wrote about infertility and the miscarriages)has been graded and he got an A. He did a great job on the paper and the e-mail the teacher wrote about the paper was awesome. I am so proud of him! I really wish I could shut my mind off just for a minute so I could go to sleep. I feel so bad that Darin is working and unable to sleep so I don't sleep so I "can feel his pain" so to speak. I cant seem to stop thinking about everything. I wish I could go back in time and do some things over, but why even bother thinking about it, I cant change the past.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Anxiety is getting the best of me today. I made a stupid mistake last night when I was doing something important and I didn't notice it until it was to late. I am so annoyed at myself for it. We are a little more then a week away from Darin's PT test and I am getting more and more anxious about it. He thinks he is going to pass it so why am I so anxious? Before the first miscarriage I never had an issue with anxiety. It seems now I just cant shake this feeling, worried and scared, almost all the time. I think I might go back on the Zoloft till we try to get pregnant again. I guess I will just think about it and try to figure out a way to relax.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

busy busy busy

September is turning out to be one busy month! Darin has two classes and still needs to find some time to take a clep test. I am working as much as I can, yes that is right I have a job. Darin is working tons but that is nothing new. His PT test is on the 27th! I am a little nervous about it but I think he is going to do great! We went to the shoulder doctor today and I think we finally have some answers as to what is causing the pain. Darin needs to commit 100% to physical therapy and get a CT scan. He may need surgery but we have to talk about it alot more and see what the CT scan says before we decide. I went to the OB on Monday and he took me off the Metformin and put me on a different fertility drug but I wont take those till next month. It is getting colder out and I am getting more and more excited for fall! I have had the Halloween decorations up since August and soon I will be adding birthday decorations. I am 90% sure I am going to have a surprise birthday party for Darin this year! Once Darin has another day off we are going to Mandan to go to Papa's Pumpkin Patch. September is going to continue to be a busy and important month for us.

Monday, September 12, 2011

September is here

Well this is it! It has hit me that it is September and this is a HUGE month for us. First it will start at the doctor and I am freaking out a bit. I am pretty sure I am freaking out about nothing because my doctor is not great and will probably say a bunch of nothing. Maybe just maybe I am freaking out because there is a reason to freak out. Darin is taking two college classes and so far he is doing really good! He will have his degree by December, I am so proud of him! At the end of this month our future will be a little more set in stone. We will have a better idea of what is to come but waiting is not easy. Some days I am fine and don't think about it but other days I get a little nervous and think about what it is going to be like to know what is going on. I hate being in limbo and I feel like we have been in limbo for far to long. I am so lucky I have the husband I do and no matter where we end up or what life throws at us we will be together and that is all that matters. Also I am sick of people complaining! Facebook is getting pretty bad, it seems like every other status is a complaint about something. I guess no matter what there is always something to complain about but at the end of the day you need to look at how great your life is.