Sunday, October 31, 2010


First let me say Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love candy, being scared, and the fall season. I love carving pumpkins and I use to like dressing up. This year Darin is working and I am sitting in bed watching scary movies. I will not be handing out candy this year. I really don't think I could do it alone. I know it sounds stupid that I need my hubby to help me pass out candy but I do. I know I will cry and be too emotional. Not only do we not have kids but I would be 7 months pregnant and all the kids dressed up and the pregnant mothers will just remind me of that. Maybe it is mean or selfish but I don't really care. What is better being happy watching movies or passing out candy to kids while I cry? I think I will pick movies and happy. Maybe next Halloween will be different but for now I am happy doing what I am doing. I made Halloween cupcakes for my friends sons kindergarten class the other day and they came out great. My friend said everyone loved them. It was tons of fun and Darin even helped a little. Here is an example of how emotional I have been: My friends son gave me a spider ring and my friend said while they were getting them his son said "daddy I am going to get one for Brianna" I totally cried. He is five and it is just so cute that he thinks of me.

We are going to get the pottery we painted on Tuesday and I can't wait to see them. I am sure they came out great! My birthday is coming and I am pretty excited about it. I love birthdays even though it means I am getting older. Ok well I am off to watch some movies! Have a great night everyone.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

October 16th till October 24th

Darin had time off work and it was a much needed break. We had a big list of stuff we wanted to do. Some things didn't get done but were replaced with even better things. We went fishing in Glenburn North Dakota and we both caught a fish. I even held a fish! We had a picnic in the truck while we were there. It was a little windy but a great time. We drove about an hour outside of Minot to see a Buffalo Ranch, we were disappointed because they were not doing tours anymore. We got some Elk steaks, Buffalo steaks, Buffalo hot dogs, and a few other things. All and all it was not a bad little drive. Darin and I always have the most fun on road trips getting a little lost. We drove down this long dirt road trying to find the ranch and it was crazy scary. There were rocks everywhere and really high hills but it turned out to be pretty fun. We also took a road trip to Sitting Bull's grave site in Mobridge South Dakota. It was about a four hour drive and alot of fun. I got a South Dakota magnet and we talked to the nicest old lady, she gave us so much information and was very helpful. We had some lunch at the Pizza Ranch and it was really good. The grave site was amazing. We took a different road back to North Dakota so we could stop at the other grave site at Fort Yates North Dakota. Also on the way back we stopped at a casino mainly so I could pee but we did gamble a little. We didn't win anything but we got a calender with all the upcoming events and if Darin is off we will go back. We got to Bismarck North Dakota just as it was getting really dark. The drive from Bismarck to Minot in the dark is no fun. There are no street lights and the road is scary when you can hardly see. Darin made fun of me the whole time because I was driving slow and having a mini freak out. We got home safe and Darin went out with a friend that night. We watched alot of movies and did alot of shopping while Darin was off. We carved a pumpkin together for the first time. Darin's birthday was alot of fun, I got him the breakfast he wanted and we had cake after dinner. It was really a great week. I had alot of fun and I am glad Darin enjoyed himself. Now we are back to our normal routine. It is snowing in Minot today and really windy. Darin is off tomorrow and it is going to be perfect weather to snuggle up, drink hot cocoa and watch movies. I love my husband so much, he is such a great man! Here are some pictures from our week.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Thoughts of a Crazy Infertile or Crazy Thoughts of an Infertile

Today was the day for blood work. The nurse called with great news. I ovulated!!!! I am so happy and excited. After last month I was afraid the Clomid would never work again and we would have to go one to other things. I may not be pregnant but ovulating is a step in the right direction.

I took a pregnancy test today even though it is way to early (it was negative.) I am now going crazy. I want to be pregnant! I am afraid that if I am pregnant I will do something wrong and loose the baby again. Since I found out I ovulated I have hardly moved. I am scared to do to much. I know it sounds crazy, I am afraid of loosing a baby that I may not even have right now but I cant help the way I feel.

I feel like I am crazy half the time. I feel two completely different emotions at the same time! I am so excited I ovulated, I only wish Darin was home so I could share the good news. I should find out if I am pregnant or not on or around November 5th so check back for any news.

My head and back are bothering me so I am going to lay down. Have a great night.

Here is a picture of Darin with his cake on his birthday and a picture of our pumpkin!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

4 Months...

It has been a really busy week. Darin is on leave so we have been going out and having a great time. Today marks four months since the miscarriage. I have been so busy with other things it has kept my mind occupied. It has been hard off and on. I miss our baby so much but I hope to get pregnant this month. I want to hear my babies heart beat and see the ultrasound! I don't really know what to say other then things I have already said. I am sick of people telling me "it will happen when it is meant to be" What the FUCK does that even mean? Why am I not "meant" to be a mother right now? Why was I "meant" to have a miscarriage? I really want people to think before they talk to me or just don't talk to me. If someones child died of cancer you would not walk up to them and say "well it is ok because it was meant to be" Just because I am infertile and had a miscarriage does not give you the right to say anything you want to me. I know alot of people don't know what to say so why not just say "I am sorry and I am here if you need me" Don't tell me it is not big deal because we can adopt and don't tell me you will carry my baby for me because I don't want you to carry my baby. I want children but I want to be pregnant too.

Today compared to one month later is alot better. Tons of people said "it will be ok" and I would not say it is ok but it is better. It still hurts and I still cry about it often but I have to admit I never thought the pain would get better. Instead of a knife in my heart it feels more like a small needle. Maybe one day it will only feel like a paper cut.

Be grateful for everything you have today because tomorrow it could all be gone!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Week of Birthdays!!!

This is going to be a fast post tonight. Darin has started his leave and we are loving it!!! We want to go out of town but I am so afraid something bad is going to happen, to the house or to Shadow or Spooky. I know it sounds crazy but I cant help the way I feel. After moving to North Dakota and not having a place to live and the miscarriage I feel like I need to stay close to the cats and my stuff just in case I need or want something. I am really trying to get over my fear, maybe this will be the week I get over it.

Shadow turned three years old yesterday!!! We said happy birthday tons of times but didn't do much else. We got Shadow when he was four months old. He was four pounds and very mean the first day we had him. He would not let me pick him up and I really thought I might have to bring him back. He got better after a few days and he is an amazing cat now! He is just so cute and always cuddles with me when Darin is working and I am upset.

Darin's birthday is coming up and I am pretty excited about it. We got him a new bag to use for work and those toe shoe things. I think they look weird but he loves them! Oh and I got him a DVD so he had something to unwrap on his actual birthday.

Well that is all for tonight! I am going to spend some much needed time with my hubby!!! I love him with all my heart!!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Wave Of Light 7pm!!!

In the United States one in 8 women are effected by Breast Cancer. One in 3 are effected by Pregnancy and Infant loss. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Please light a candle at 7pm in your time zone in memory of all the little lives lost and in support of all the families that have ever suffered a loss such as this. I will be lighting a candle for our angel baby *June 21st 2010* not a day goes by that I don't think of that baby. Right now my belly would be growing and my due date would be growing closer, instead I am extra emotional, laying down after sex, and crying because I am trying all over again. I will now always be a mother but I cant show you a picture of my baby and you cant hold my baby. Pregnancy loss is not talked about often. It is hard to talk about and even frowned upon to talk about. I will talk about it because other ladies who are going through the same thing should not be alone because some people don't want to hear about it. Being infertile then having a miscarriage is different then getting pregnant right away and having a miscarriage. Maybe not worse or maybe not better but different. A person who gets pregnant right away and has a miscarriage can then go on and get pregnant right away again. I am not that lucky, I may never get pregnant again and I will always think "what could I have done differently to hold on to that pregnancy." I went to lunch with Darin yesterday and I cried, I hate that I still cry about the baby and the infertility. I want to be hopeful and I want to be happy but in the back of my head is the fear that I will never be pregnant again. Please light a candle tonight at 7pm not just for my baby but for all the babies that were taken too soon!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Bad Night!?

Well yesterday was the last day of the double dose of Clomid. I am laying in bed watching Teen Mom. I really hate this show, it makes me upset and I cry every time, but I cant seem to stop watching. People really don't understand how hard it is to be infertile unless they are infertile. I hate that we are trying to get pregnant again. I was pregnant and I thought we were done! I have always wanted a big family but after I found out I was pregnant I didn't care how many I would have I just wanted my infertility journey to be over. I have to say in a weird way I am glad I am crying and really emotional. Last month the Clomid didn't make me so emotional and it didn't work so maybe being more emotional is a sign that it worked this time. We went to the pumpkin patch with a friend and his son the other day. It was pretty fun but hard at the same time. I cried while we were there, it was hard to see all the kids playing. I just kept thinking "I should be seven months pregnant" and "will I ever have a child that could play here." I guess today is just one of those days. I feel sad and wish Darin was home so I could talk to him about it. I don't really know what else to say tonight.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

be thankful for everything you have today because it could all be gone tomorrow

It has been a while since my last blog. I have been pretty busy and Darin is working non stop. I am having a yard sale tomorrow and Saturday! I love yard sales! I started a double dose of Clomid today so it may not have been the best weekend to plan a yard sale. So far it has made me pretty emotional. I have cried a bunch today. I have no clue what I am making for dinner tomorrow night. I guess I don't really have much to write tonight sorry. I should be trying to sleep because I have to be up really early tomorrow but it is hard to sleep. I am really sick of people complaining about their husbands working. Darin has only had two days off since September 8th and you don't see me complaining. Yes it would be nice if he had some time off and could help me with things but he is working and there is nothing I can do about it. Your husband hardly ever works you have nothing to bitch about! Ok that is enough venting. Shadow, Spooky, and I are all laying in bed, they are so cute. Spooky is sleeping on my pillow and Shadow is laying next to my legs giving himself a bath. Oh I almost forgot I made pumpkin cookies and pumpkin pancakes and they came out so freaking good. I have been in a baking mood for the past couple of days and I think I am going to bake again tomorrow after the yard sale. Well I am going to watch Family Guy and try to sleep. Goodnight all!!!

Friday, October 1, 2010

October 1st

Well September has ended and went by so fast. I feel like since the miscarriage the days, weeks, and months are just flying by. Today is October 1st and for me that means very different things. Only 20 days till my husbands birthday! It brings new beginnings, I am on the Provera so I can expect my period any day now and I am already in pain (thank you PCOS). On cycle day 3 I will start the double dose of the Clomid and honestly I don't know how to feel about it. I am excited because I want it to work but then I think "what if it doesn't work" a single dose of Clomid makes me emotional and crazy, a double dose is only going to make it worse. I will deal with it and hopefully we get pregnant this time! I would have been 28 weeks pregnant for Halloween and I was really excited to hand out candy and look nice and pregnant. Now I am not sure I even want to do anything. When I was pregnant I thought to all the holidays and how pregnant I would be and now that I am not pregnant it is hard. I feel like a failure. I should be able to get pregnant and carry a baby with no issue, that is what ladies do! I hate that I can not give my husband a child right now! October should be a great month, it is my favorite month. Although this year feels different. Maybe it is not just about the baby maybe it is because we are not in Las Vegas anymore. Who knows? Some days I am happy and think positive most of the day and then there are days like today where I just want to snuggle with my husband and cry. I hate PCOS! I hate infertility! I hate being a failure! I hate pregnant people who rub it in my face! I guess October 1st is a day full of hate, anger, sadness, and a little happiness for me. I hope everyone else is having a better day.