Thursday, June 24, 2010
Last Thursday I started spotting so my doctor put me on bed rest. Monday morning i had a miscarriage and the er doctor put me on bed rest. Tomorrow i will be able to get out of bed and go downstairs. I am glad that Darin is here and i am able to be on bed rest. I know i need time to heal and rest but laying in bed is hard. I cant really do much so I'm watching TV and thinking about the baby. I cant believe i am not pregnant anymore. I'm sure as the days and weeks go by it will get easier but right now its very hard. It has only been three days, but i cant stop thinking about it. When it comes to deciding what to eat its hard. When i was pregnant i had to eat certain things and not eat certain things. Now that i am not pregnant i can eat anything i want. You would think it would be a good thing but for me its not. I want to be pregnant. I know everything will work out and hopefully we will get pregnant again and everything will be fine. I still have hope and i am trying to be positive, but it has only been three days and i cant help but be upset. I think i will feel better once i can get out of bed and do something other then watch TV and think. There are even some shows that i cant watch now because they just make me to upset. I don't want to be upset and i don't want to be sad but right now i cant help it. The physical pain is getting a little better but i am still on the pain meds. A friend told me the only way to get over a miscarriage is to get pregnant and have a baby. I hope that does not take to long.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Darin has gotten some time off to be home with me and help me out. I am really glad he is able to be here. Its nice to talk to him and not have to think about the baby all the time. Everyone keeps saying to let them know if I need anything. I feel bad because i cant think of anything anyone can do. I love knowing that so many ladies have offered to help me. It has made me feel a lot better. Even people i don't know have offered help and prayers. I know i have probably upset people or pissed them off in the past but they are putting that in the past and offering to help me out. I can not put in words how much it means to me to have the support i have. An old friend of mine emailed me and gave me a very inspirational quote. "Be believing, be happy, don't get discouraged. Things will work out." - President Gordon B. Hinckley. I know everything will work out and everything will be ok but right now it just hurts. I know my life could suck a million times more then it does. We have a house and food and things we need. I feel selfish sometimes for wanting a baby so bad and i feel bad that i get jealous when other people are pregnant. I know life is not fair but people who don't want to get pregnant or are not trying seem to get pregnant with no issues. we have been trying for so long and it happened and we could not have been any happier then it was just taken away. I cant help but ask why? I know i may never have the answer but i still cant help but ask. I know its not my fault, miscarriages happen all the time and its not the woman's fault. Its hard to be positive right now. We will try to get pregnant forever if we have to and if I have to do this again I will. I want to have a baby and nothing is going to stop me. The physical pain was so bad I was not even thinking about the baby. Now that the pain is getting better I am thinking more about the baby. It will forever be my first child. I really wish i could have met it. I don't think my heart will ever fully heal from this loss. It will be with me for the rest of my life.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday June 21st at about 12:30am Darin and I lost the baby. It was very painful. I am still in a lot of pain but the doctor gave me some pain medicine. It has been a very hard day. After 2 and a half years of trying to get pregnant we finally did. The good news is I now know I can get pregnant. I am really sad we lost the baby. I really cant even put into words how I feel. I am happy I got pregnant but sad I lost the baby, I'm excited to try again but nervous at the same time. I really feel tons of different emotions and pain on top of it all. The ladies I have met in North Dakota have been great. I am very grateful for all the support and prayers. Thank you everyone.