Thursday, December 30, 2010

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

Tomorrow is the last day of 2010 and I can not believe this year went by so fast. There have been some good times and some not so good times. At the end of 2009 I thought we would get pregnant this year and have a healthy baby. I didn't really have any big plans or resolutions for 2010. All I wanted was to continue the great relationship Darin and I have and to have a baby. Darin and I still have an amazing relationship, if anything we are stronger as a couple then we have ever been. We grow closer more and more every year. In 2010 I have learned not to take anything for granted because it can all be gone tomorrow. I have laughed alot this year and cried even more. I have also learned that my doctors don't care and if I want something I have to fight for it. I have made a few friends and lost a bunch of friends. 2010 taught me the real meaning of pain not just physical but emotional too. I have become better at ignoring what people say to me and I speak my mind alot more. 2010 has showed me I need to live my life to the fullest and feel the way I feel. I don't care if people don't like how I feel and I don't care what people have to say about it. I will let go of all the pain from 2010 when I hold my child in my arms and kiss him on the cheek!!!

My hopes for 2011...I want to get pregnant and have a healthy baby! I will continue to stand up for myself and speak my mind. I will do anything and everything I can to keep the strong bond Darin and I share. I still wont care what people say or think about me. I will do what is right for my family. I will live everyday of 2011 to the fullest and love my husband more each day. Will 2011 be a good year? I don't know. I hope it is a good year full of love and happiness. No matter how this year has been or how next year will be I know I will always have my husband to support me, hold me when I cry, kiss me when I am sad, laugh when I laugh, smile when I am happy, and always love me.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

9 days and counting....

My due date is 9 days away. The crib should be set up with the cute bedding set we would have got for Christmas. The rocking chair I wanted should be by the window. The pack and play should be in the living room. Bottles should be washed and put in the cabinet. The closet full of baby clothes, extra diapers and wipes in the closet down stairs. A bag for the hospital should be packed with my stuff and outfits for the baby. Last minute cleaning and organizing should be happening. Trips to Walmart should have the cart full of diapers and last minute things. Plane tickets should be booked for family to be here. Car seat in the car just right for the ride home from the hospital. A name picked for our bundle of joy. We should be happy and excited to bring a new life into this world. We should be nervous to be first time parents. Life would be perfect but the baby died six months ago! I am sad that non of this is going on. I am sad I wont hold my baby in 9 days. I am sad I wont be bringing our first child home from the hospital. I am sad I can never hear our first baby cry or kiss him on the cheek. I am sad just plain sad that I am a mother to a baby I will never hold. Not just one baby but now I am the mother of two babies I will never hold, I will never feed, I will never kiss, I will never hear them cry or laugh, I will never experience what my life would be with them here.

I have alot of good things in life and I am very grateful for what I have! I will never be the person I was before. If you don't like it then I don't need you in my life. I have changed, you can take me as I am or not take me at all. I have every right to be sad and cry for the things I don't have but don't think for one second I am not happy about the things I do have. I don't need to be told "everything will be fine" or "just be happy with what you have and forget what you don't have" I will never forget my children! They will be in my heart forever. I will carry the pain of infertility and miscarriages with me for the rest of my life. This is not something I will just get over. That is not how it works for me. You may want me to be happy all the time and I would love that but no one is always happy. I love the things I have in life. I have the best husband in the world! I know life could be worse.

Monday, December 27, 2010


So I go to the lab on December 13th to check my HCG levels(pregnancy hormone) they were 25. The nurse said it is good it is so low and it should be down to 0 in a week. I go back a week later and there is no paper work there to even have the test done and they try to hand me a cup to pee in. I told the lady at the lab what I was there for and she called the nurse. We waited almost an hour for the nurse to walk the paper work across the hall. My levels were not at 0 they were 11, so the nurse said "come back next week" I go in today and again the paper work is not there. I waited about fifteen minutes then I walked across the hall and yelled at the lady. I was not going to wait all freaking day because they forgot to bring the paper over before and they were on lunch. Not going to happen! Finally they bring the paper work over and the nurse called. She said "your levels are now 3.5 you can start having sexual intercourse again but the doctor recommends you wait two months before trying to get pregnant." I said we wont prevent a pregnancy but we wont go on Clomid again until the results of all the test on the baby come back. Then I got off the phone and I was thinking, the last miscarriage they said to wait two weeks before we had sex again. This time no one said "don't have sex" so we have been having sex for a while. I feel like I have to be my own doctor sometimes. I guess nothing really bad can happen because no one made a point of saying "don't have sex" but who knows? I am sick of sitting in the lab waiting room and seeing all the pregnant ladies. I should have a baby in ten days!!! I am glad 2010 is ending! Somethings have been great and somethings have just been plain shitty! I just hope 2011 is a better year and we can get pregnant and stay pregnant and have a healthy baby. I would give anything or do anything to have a healthy baby.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


Darin and I both have colds and feel like crap so Christmas was spent resting. It is crazy how fast this year has gone by. This Christmas was kind of sad I SHOULD be about ready to pop out a baby OR 10ish weeks pregnant. It is hard that the due date is so close. We should be just a week or two away from having a baby instead we are waiting for the results or test and blood work. Other then thinking about the baby we had a great Christmas. Darin got tons of stuff he wanted and so did I. He got me the most amazing ring! Brittany brought us food, it was so yummy. We watched Lockup all day then hung out in bed and watched Tru Blood most of the night. It is hard being away from family and loosing two babies but Darin is great and I am so thankful that I got to spend the holiday with him. Honestly to me a holiday is just another day. Darin is not always home for holidays or important stuff so we don't always celebrate on the exact day. This time last year we had just rented the house in Glenburn and we were snowed in due to the big blizzard. We didn't have a tree or gifts but non of that mattered because we were together. We have been in North Dakota over a year and sometimes it feels like forever and other times it feels like we just left Las Vegas. No matter where we go or what day it is I will always be at home with Darin!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

6 months....

Today marks six months since we lost our first baby. One week and two days since we lost our second baby. It is hard, sad, irritating, emotional, etc. I am happy my doctor agreed to run test on the second baby. My due date for the first baby is January 6th and I have been thinking about it alot the last couple days. Right now Darin and I would be picking out the crib and getting the room all set up for a baby. Instead we are mourning another loss and waiting for answers. When we found out we were pregnant in April I would have never thought I would loose the baby. When we found out in November we were pregnant I was afraid I would have a miscarriage but the pregnancy felt alot different, more real. I would not wish this experience on any one but I hope people go through this will step up and talk about it. When we lost the baby and told people about it six months ago I was surprised how many people I knew said "I have had a miscarriage too." I know some people dont like hearing about it and some people don't know what to say when you do talk about it but why do I have to mourn in silence? I choose to talk about my pain and fears so that maybe someone going through the same thing will read this and know it is ok to talk about it! There is no reason anyone has to go through this alone and silent. If you don't want to hear about it then don't read what I write. The best thing you can say to someone going through this pain is "I am sorry for your loss and I am here for you" Unless you have lost a baby do not tell me you know how I feel because you don't. Don't tell me you know a friend who is going through the same thing and she got over it in a week. I will never get over this pain, I will deal with it but it will be with me forever! Six months/one week and two days: honestly it is easier then when it first happened. I still cry from time to time and I am sad that the due date is so close and I will not be bringing a baby home from the hospital. I am trying to not think about it all until we get all the test results. I hope they come back good but I am afraid I will never be able to carry a baby. I think this miscarriage is alot different then last time because this time I have Brittany. She is a great friend and when I start to get really upset she reminds me of the positive and she is here for me when I need her. She is a great friend and we have alot of fun while we are together. It is easy to not think about the baby while I am laughing and joking with friends.

i love

Brittany told me about and i love it!!! i have done at least 15 pictures lol. here are a few...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Christmas Party

I had such a great time!! It was a much needed break from thinking about the baby and infertility. Brittany is such a great friend!!! All of us laughed so hard and had tons of fun! Here are some pictures from the night....

Sorry it has been so long

I have been really busy. I got a letter in the mail and everything I brought to the doctor from the miscarriage is going in for test! The letter said the results can take up to three weeks. I really hate waiting but I am pushing it to the back of my mind and I will not make myself crazy thinking about it for three weeks. Some days I cant believe I lost another baby and other days I think maybe it was all meant to be. A friend last night told me that maybe I am going through all this to be a spokes person for it and help other ladies going through the same thing. I try to stay strong and sometimes it is easy but other times I just want to sit here and cry. Some days I am glad my husband and I are dealing with this and getting stronger through the process and other days I feel like a failure and just want to give up trying to have a baby. My husband has been my rock and I have been his. I really do think we were meant to be together and we were made for each other. We may argue about little things from time to time but we are best friends and that will never change.

Last night we went to Brittany and Will's house for a little Christmas party. I am still in some pain but it was so much fun. I am so glad we went! I have not laughed that hard in a long time. It was so cute watching the guys play video games! We exchanged Christmas gifts and ate tons of food. They really are great friends and I am so lucky to have them in my life.

We put the Christmas gifts under the tree today and so far Shadow and Spooky have left them alone. The did take two of their gifts but we let them open them and they played with them for a while. I am so glad we have a real tree this year!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Last night was the night

I had the miscarriage last night at about 11:30pm. It was not as painful this time as it was last time but it still hurt. I did not go to the ER this time because I wanted the baby so I could bring it to the doctor. It was so weird looking at my baby in the palm of my hand. The nurse called this morning and said she would talk to the doctor and see what he wants to do. I am fighting for what I want this time and Tricare backs me up. I have talked to at least five doctors this morning and re telling the story over and over makes me cry. It is hard enough to loose a baby but now I have to tell everyone over and over again just to find help. I don't want to wait till my fourth pregnancy to even be tested for low hormones or anything else. It should and will be done next pregnancy. We have been trying to have a baby for three years. I have gotten pregnant two out of the three times I have taken Clomid, and had two miscarriages within six months. There has to be something wrong and I want to know. I don't want to keep blaming myself if it is not my fault but I wont know until I can find a doctor that will help me. We are looking into PCSing for medical reasons because I cant get the care I need and there is a infertility specialist but he only come here once every four months (I am on the waiting list) and a phone consultation with him is $375. I will gladly pay that if it will be helpful!! I feel alone (Darin and my friends are great I mean alone because the doctors wont help)! I need and want the doctors to help me and they don't want to do anything. My doctor right now wants to do blood work tomorrow to see where my HCG levels are but wont even do an ultrasound to make sure everything has passed. I was told this morning if I feel light headed or dizzy from loss of blood that I can call them or go to the ER. I love and miss both my babies and I will fight as hard as I have to to not loose another baby! I don't care what anyone thinks, Darin and I will fight for what we want done no matter what other people say. I have every right to be sad and upset right now. I know I will be happy again but I will never be the person I was and if you don't like it then I don't need you in my life. I will never forget or get over my loss, my babies will forever have a place in my heart. From time to time I might have a bad day and all I can ask of my family and friends is let me have my bad day because tomorrow is always better.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

"go home and wait to miscarry"

"Go home and wait to miscarry" is what I was told yesterday after my ultrasound. They found a 6 week fetus (it should have been 8 weeks) with no heart beat. The baby died one to two weeks ago. The doctor did not recommend a D&C or offer me pain killers. I am not in any pain yet but if this time is like last time it is going to hurt. I was reading online and it sounds like I had a Missed Miscarriage but I guess the doctor didn't think that or care. I am mad that the doctor did nothing but send me home. I know the baby is not going to have a heart beat again but he could have at least giving me pills to induce a miscarriage. I am sitting here pregnant with my dead baby just waiting. This time around is alot different not only physically but emotionally. It is hard for sure but this time unlike last time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Last time it felt like the end of the world and everyone said it would be ok but at the time it just felt like shit. This time I know it will be ok, we got through it once we will get through it again. I know my baby died and the doctors cant do anything to change that but I would like more attention or something other then being told to go home and wait.

I am really sad this is happening again! I want to be able to get pregnant and carry the baby full term and have a healthy baby. I want to know why I am having miscarriages but doctors here in Minot don't want to do any kind of test until I loose a third baby. I am confused why my doctor would say "get pregnant again and miscarry again and then I will help you figure out what is going on." I feel like a failure, I should be able to get pregnant easy and have a healthy pregnancy. Maybe the miscarriages are not my fault but until I know for sure they feel like my fault. I am the one with the issue getting pregnant and maybe it is me that cant carry a baby. I cant think of anything I do wrong during the pregnancy! I eat right, I don't drink or smoke, I don't have caffeine, no deli meat, I drink milk to give the baby calcium even though milk makes my stomach hurt sometimes. Maybe there is something wrong with my hormones, or my blood, or maybe my uterus is tilted, something! I don't know why the doctor wont just help me figure it out! I don't want to do this again just to get answers I want answers now so that next pregnancy will be healthy and last nine months! This is not what I had in mind for Christmas but I cant change it so we have to deal with it.

I have some great friends in Minot!! They have got together and are making Darin and I dinner for the next week. It is great to have an awesome support system! We all may complain from time to time about this place but in the end we are here for each other!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I had rather have a fool make me merry, than experience make me sad

I sit here in bed, in the dark. The only noise is Darin breathing, Shadow and Spooky playing, and me typing. I had a dream last night that I was nine months pregnant in the hospital the day before I was being induced and everything was fine, the baby was healthy! Then I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom and there was a little blood. Being pregnant this time compared to last time just feels different. It feels so much more real this time. I am trying to be positive. Come Friday everything will be fine and this will turn into a little bump in the road. Then I think what if something happens? I don't want to loose my baby again, I don't want to disappoint everyone again. I want to have a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy. I have done everything I can right! I don't know what I am fucking up! I sit here crying not only for the baby but for myself and most of all for Darin. I don't want to make him deal with this again, I don't want to hurt him again! I want to be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby! Is that too much to ask for? I hate that we have to wait till Friday to see if the baby is ok.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Three Years Married!!!

Today is our three year anniversary! It has been a great day. We had french toast for breakfast and then went to the post office and went shopping. We went out for lunch and got a few more Christmas decorations. We are not exchanging gifts this year because we got each other alot of gifts for Christmas. Right now we are going to fold some laundry and put it away.

I went to the bathroom and noticed a little blood so we are waiting for the doctor to call back. It has put a damper on the day but the good news is I am not in any pain. I really hope everything is ok I don't want to loose the baby. I hope the doctor calls soon so we know what he wants us to do. I have an ultrasound on Friday but he may want me to go in today. I guess we will just wait and see.

I really hope the baby is ok. I HATE waiting!!!

UPDATE: the nurse called and said the doctor told her there was nothing they could do and I just need to wait till the ultrasound on Friday. She said I could go on bed rest if I could and if I wanted to. Darin and I talked about it and I am going on bed rest (thank goodness Darin is off) I have spotted three times but that is all. I hope everything is ok come Friday. Thanks everyone for the well wishes.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My Husband!!!

My husband is truly amazing! He is so sweet and cares about me so much. It has been snowing all day and he had to work, he told me not to shovel and just relax. He doesn't want me doing to much because he is afraid something is going to happen to the baby. I feel bad not keeping up on the driveway like I did last year but I know it is better for the baby if I don't. I hate just sitting here not doing much but I know in the end it will all be worth it. I am still cooking and getting up to pee but that is about it. Tomorrow I am going to a friends house to watch the movers move his stuff in then I will come home and rest. We are going out this weekend to get our Christmas tree! The doctor has not put me on bed rest but he did say to take it easy. I think I will just switch off, one day go shopping or walk and rest the next day, and still cook everyday I think everything will work out great. I am so lucky to have a husband that helps me around the house and tells me to sit and do nothing. I don't know what I would do without him. Darin means the world to me and I am so grateful to have such a great man by my side. He is a wonderful husband and I know he will be an awesome father!!! I love him with all my heart!!!