hard week....

It has been a hard week. I am crazy emotional and crying about pretty much everything. Some days I feel like shit and feel like I ruined Darin's life. I want to make my husbands life easier and sometimes I feel like all I do is make it harder. I have never felt like this in the past and I hate it. He tells me I didn't ruin his life and nothing is my fault but sometimes I cant help but blame myself. It IS my fault we cant get pregnant and I am sure it IS my fault we lost the babies. I was the one who fell apart and needed Darin to put me back together. I feel like I distract him and I need him to much sometimes. I cant shake this feeling of guilt, I don't want to feel like this but I cant help it. I know life is not easy but I just wish it was not so hard sometimes.

period....

Why do I even have hope? I got my period today and need to go get more Clomid later. I will start the Clomid on Sunday and see what happens. I feel like crap right now. Why are we not pregnant? What the heck happened? I really don't get it, why did the Clomid work twice and now it is not working? I feel lost today and sad. Another month of trying with nothing in the end.

to be or not to be?

My period is due in two days and yesterday I was spotting for a few hours. I thought my period was coming for sure but the spotting stopped and so far there is no spotting today. Usually when I have spotting before my period it gets worse then I get my period. I really don't know what to think, I have some symptoms of being pregnant but then again it could all be in my head. I feel more and more crazy each day.

On to other things....Darin is sick and went to the doctor and they said he has some kind of virus. He is on meds and they told him to go back in on Friday if he didn't feel better. Poor guy hates going to the doctor but I am glad I made him go. I also made him start taking a vitamin every day so maybe it will help him not get sick again. The doctor told him to rest so he spent most of the day on the couch. We watched Red Riding Hood and it was a really good movie! I was upset yesterday so we cheated a little and ordered pizza. I regret eating the pizza because we really are eating alot healthier but it was yummy.

Infertility News

Only five more days till my period is due and I am freaking out a little bit. I have had some very light pink spotting off and on for a couple days and we hope it is implantation bleeding. I wish I could take a pregnancy test now but I know no matter what it is to early. Right now, like so many other months, I am stuck between a baby and a period. Being pregnant again will give us another chance and maybe the progesterone will help keep the baby till term. If I am pregnant it is going to be exciting and scary all at the same time. I need to go to town this week and get more progesterone just in case I am pregnant. Yesterday I was saving all my "Months" blogs to the flash drive, I read them and cried. It was hard reading about the baby we lost. The baby that should be 6 months old on the 6th. The second baby was due on July 12th and I have to say I am not dreading it like I dreaded January 6th. It is crazy to think I would have a 6 month old or be getting ready to have a baby. Oh well, lets just hope we have a March baby!!!!

Independence Day!

I am getting really annoyed with people complaining that the fireworks are so late (around 11pm, when it gets dark) and they have to work tomorrow so the fireworks should have been done last night. I don't see why people think the world revolves around them. There are many troops deployed right now that wont get to do anything for this holiday and there are tons of people (my husband included) that have to work today. I think people should just be happy that they can spend time with friends and family when so many people cant. Most of (I did not say all) the wives here do nothing but complain about when and how much their husbands work and most of them would freak out if their husbands had to work Security Forces hours. My husbands days off are taken more often then not so don't expect sympathy from me when you complain that your husband had a day off taken away once in the past three years. Shit happens and these guys need to focus on what they are doing not listening to their wives bitch. I wish people would remember that Independence Day is not about fireworks and BBQ's, it is about our freedom and the troops who fight or have fought for us to be free. Many people saw this as a four day weekend and to me that is wrong! Yes it is nice to have time off work but the holiday means alot more then swimming and drinking. Ask any troop deployed right now and I am sure he can give you the real meaning of Independence Day and not say anything about fireworks or drinking. I will think of the deployed troops today and I will not complain about something stupid and I will be grateful to be safe at home.