National Infertility Awarness week (April 22 to 28)

National Infertility Awarness week is very important to me. It is a week all infertiles get to talk about their struggle. Often we are silent and judged. I am not bitter about not having kids, I am sad! I am not a bitch when I don’t want to hear you complain about being pregnant, I am sad! Even though I am pregnant now we had a long road to get here. We tried many rounds of Clomid and went through hundreds of test. We have lost two children along the way and had many heart breaks. We have become stronger as a couple because we have been each others support through all this. Infertility is something no one will ever understand unless you have been through it. I have met some amazing ladies through infertility groups online. When I am having a bad day they are there for me no matter what. We are part of a close knit group who all desperatly don’t want to be there. We are all fighting for the chance to be mothers and helping each other the best we can along the way. I honestly cant even imagine where I would be today with out those ladies! They mean the world to me and have helped get me through some really dark times. We have celebrated together, laughed together, cried together, and come up with some crazy plans together. I hope if you are infertile you have found a group of ladies who understand, I also hope you are not afraid to speak up. Talking about infertility is a good thing and don’t let anyone silence you. I hope if you are not infertile you learn more about infertilty and listen to an infertile friend if she has something to say. Try to be her support in any way you can. Infertility is not just something I stuggle with, it is a part of who I am. I would not be the person I am today if I was not infertile. I will not be ashamed! I am proud to be infertile, of course I want a child but infertilty has taught me how important it is to enjoy every moment I can. I have not taken any moment of this pregnany for granted and if I make it full term I will love and enjoy every second I have with my child.

what does family mean?

To me family is.....a group of people related by blood or marriage that love you no matter what, that are there for you for the good times and there for you for the bad times, that don’t judge you. I have a great family except for one person. At this point I just need to move on. I need to ignore her and cut her out of my life right now. She has been nothing but negative towards me and down right mean sometimes. I have let her bother me over and over again but now I am done! I am taking control and moving on. I said most of what I needed to say and I gave her a chance to say what she wanted to say. I will not let my husband be put in the middle of high school drama anymore. Today is a new day and I am truly happy. I am happy knowing it is over; I am happy knowing I can move on, and most of all I am happy I finally got to say what I wanted to say. I had no filter; I had no reason to hold back. Maybe one day we can make it work but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. When someone attacks you it is hard to forgive them but when someone attacks your children, to me, it is impossible to forget. Hopefully she will look at her life and try to become a better person. I wish her nothing but the best.

care free and easy....

I have been thinking about Weylin and Holly alot recently. We are in North Carolina visiting Darin's family and they are all excited that I am pregnant. My mother-in-law has bought me the cutest maternity tops, Darin's grandfather bought the baby three outfits. I am so excited that this pregnancy has made it further. I miss Weylin and Holly, I wish I was this far along with them. I also wish I was this excited. I love this baby more then anything in the world but I cant help but think of what would have been. I just hope this baby makes it full term and is healthy.

Some fun news: we did a gender predicting kit and it said the baby is a boy. Also the Chinese calender thing says boy too. Once we get back to Vegas we will go in for an ultrasound to find out the sex!

Over all I want the baby to be healthy and that is all that matters but I want the baby to be a boy. I don't want a girl because there is a 99.9% chance any girl I have will have PCOS. I don't want my daughter to have to go through what I have. I want my children's life to be care free and easy for as long as possible.

IBS

My stomach is killing me right now! I have taken my stomach pills (as needed) for well over two years now. They help about 75% of the time. Since I got pregnant every time I take the stomach pills I feel high. Today the pills have made my stomach ache less intense but I feel high as a kite and I feel like I could throw up. I miss out on so much when I am sick. All I can really do is lay in bed or go to the bathroom. During pregnancy IBS usually goes away but can get worse as you go from one trimester to another. I just hope it goes away or at least gets a bit better. Before I was pregnant it was easy to not eat, so my stomach hurt less. Now if I don't eat at least a little bit my head starts to hurt and I get dizzy. I know the baby needs food but sometimes life is just easier if I don't eat.

road trips could be more fun

We got to North Carolina safe and sound. The weather was not nice to us. The last hour of our trip it rained so bad I could hardly see the road. It is nice to be here spending time with family. I wish I felt better but I know feeling sick is a good sign. We were on the road for about 10 hours a day and it was pretty fun (except for the weather) We will be heading to Virginia on the 16th then back here.

Pregnancy news ~ I feel crazy sick most of the time but as the weeks have gone by it has gotten better. I am pretty tired all the time but it is nice I can just relax. I will be 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I hope the baby goes full term with no issues. I don't have medical insurance and we are looking into using a midwife and doing a home birth. Some people think I am crazy but I think doing it at home will be safer and the baby and I can bond faster.

Feeling Good!!!!

I have to say I feel pretty good! Someone told me once that if my husband ever got out of the Military we would be broke. I am happy to say we are pretty far from broke. We have our rent already paid for the next two months, we are getting ready to go on vacation, and we have money in our savings account. I am so glad we are debt free and able to stay that way. When I was denied state medical insurance for the pregnancy I could not believe it. At the end of the day my husband and I are so lucky to have the money to pay for a doctor! We worked hard for the things we have and the money we have saved. You can save money too so don't give me some sob story about how much life sucks. Life is what you make it. I want my life to be great and after struggling with infertility I could be nothing but happy right now. I am so grateful to be pregnant and I am making the best of every moment I have. After Weylin and Holly died I looked at my life and knew I needed to live life to the fullest and stop wasting time being upset.

Road Trip news~ we are leaving tomorrow and I am still nervous to leave Shadow and Spooky. I know it is better for them if we don't take them but I am going to miss them so much! They are like kids to me and being away from them will be hard. All in all I'm sure the trip will be fun and the cats will be fine!