terrifying day!!!

Today was a terrifying day! First I woke up in a little bit of pain. I woke up on my stomach and instead of just being uncomfortable it was painful. The pain went away after about fifteen minutes. Darin and I got ready and went to Albertsons for a few things. Then we went to Subway and picked up lunch. We ate when we got home, started laundry, and got our drinks ready to head upstairs. We had planned on watching all four Scream movies up in bed. When we got upstairs I went to the bathroom. After I wiped I looked down and there it was, BLOOD! I yelled for Darin and told him I was bleeding. (I may have over reacted a bit; it was very light pink blood not red and not heavy.) I called my midwife and she said it was completely normal because Darin and I had sex last night. I was nervous so she let us come in to hear the heartbeat. All I kept thinking was “this is it, it is all over.” I was so afraid and nervous our sweet little baby had died! We got to the midwife and she went to hear the heartbeat. I was so nervous I could not even breathe! Then we heard that perfect little sound! The baby’s heartbeat was perfect and everything is fine! This was the very first time this pregnancy I have had any spotting. I was freaking out and Margie (our midwife) was so nice and really helped to calm me down. She assured me the spotting was normal and hearing the heartbeat really put my fears to rest. Just as I start to relax a bit more and think this pregnancy is going great a little spotting threw me right back to reality. At any moment in time this could all be taken away from me just like the last two times. I will not take any moment I have with our sweet baby for granted. I am so glad everything is good and Darin and I had a great time watching all the Scream movies!

procrastinating....

I have been procrastinating for weeks. I am usually not this bad but lately I just cannot seem to get in the swing of things. I will have a big plan in the morning then all of a sudden it is 8pm and nothing is done. Don’t get me wrong I always get everything done on time but instead of working ahead or getting stuff done really early like I usually do I just keep putting it off. Maybe today will be different and my whole list will get done! Now I just need to find the energy to get off the couch.

20 weeks and counting!!!!

So we have hired a great midwife and we are doing a homebirth! So far the pregnancy is going great. I am measuring good and the heartbeat is nice and strong! Everyday that goes by we get closer and closer to the due date. I am still nervous everyday and being infertile I don’t think I will ever be able to relax 100%. I just want this baby to be healthy and happy. We set up the crib and we have tons of clothes. I just want everything to be perfect. I wish I could put on my blog the sex of the baby but because there is a person in our lives that can not know I cant post it on here. It is a very long story and dumb drama with an immature person. This may be our only child and I am not going to let someone ruin the pregnancy or ruin anything having to do with the baby. I am just going to ignore her, not talk to her, and be happy with my life! We are 20 weeks pregnant today!!!! This pregnancy is half over!!!!! I never thought we would ever make it this far. I am so excited!

homebirth? hospital birth?

We have been talking a lot recently about if we want to do a homebirth or a hospital birth. Right now I am leaning towards a homebirth. I have had such crappy times in hospitals and I don’t want the birth of our baby to be a crappy time. I am 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant and I have still not seen a doctor. I have been pregnant before so I know what I need to do and what I should not do. This pregnancy has been scary but relaxing at the same time. I have not been stressed about what a doctor will say or how the results of blood work will come back. I have had ultrasounds and know everything is going good. I know I will eventually need blood work but we still have some time. I can’t even believe most of the time how far along I am. It feels like a dream! When I first found out I was pregnant I never thought I would get this far. I am just so happy that our dreams are so much closer to coming true. We have less then five months till our little bundle of joy is due! Part of me wants it to go by slow because I want to cherish every moment of pregnancy that I can. The other part of me wants it to go by super fast so we can meet our baby!

mother's day

As Mother’s day grows closer and closer I am not sure how I feel. I am sad as I think about Weylin and Holly but excited to think of this baby. Sometimes I can’t help but think why me? Why am I infertile? Why did I loose two babies? Why and I lucky enough to be pregnant again? There are so many infertile couples that should be pregnant as well. I am so happy to be this far along and I am so excited the baby is healthy so far. Mother’s day is a reminder of what I have always wanted. I have always wanted to hold my baby in my arms! I don’t want to mourn the lose of my children, I don’t want to be sad when I look at the past, and I don’t want to be judged for the pain I feel. As I sit here writing tears of joy are running down my face. I love that I have another opportunity to have a baby. I want nothing but the best but I can’t help but think of the worst.