just breathe

Since I had a panic attack in January my emotions have been crazy and I have had really bad anxiety! It is not fun and no matter what I try I cant calm down. I feel like there is so much unknown in my life right now and all I want is a plan! I cant plan for what I don't know and that bothers me. Darin and I talked yesterday and he doesn't like seeing me like this but believe me if I could control it there would be no issue! Darin said I just need to take life day by day, that is hard for me because I like to have a plan and not have anything unknown. When it is at its worse my chest feels tight, it is hard to breath, and I feel dizzy. I do not like feeling like this at all! I feel like most of the day my heart is racing and I just cant calm down. I go to see my doctor in about a week and I really hope he can give me pills or something to help!

RECIPES

I am trying new things! I want to try at least one new recipe a week. So far so good!!! I am looking for all different recipes. Healthy ones will go to the try first list. E-mail me recipes gvgator1121@hotmail.com or leave a comment on here. We cant really do any seafood because there is not really any good seafood in Minot. We love all kinds off food! I like to make smoothies but Darin wont drink them if they have milk. Please help me out, I have been looking through cookbooks and searching online. I will post a picture of it and a short storey of how much we liked it in a blog for everyone to see. Healthy snack ideas are needed too! We love to have movie nights but need to cut out candy and junk food!! Thank you everyone!!!!

8 months

Wow! 8 months already! We lost our first baby 8 months ago today and the due date was a little over a month ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about our baby. It is weird to think that our baby would be over a month old right now. I talked to an old friend tonight and she made me think; why don't they prepare you for a miscarriage? Doctors tell you what you can and cant do, what to eat and what not to eat, but none of them ever tell you how shitty it will feel if you loose the baby. I was way more prepared for the second miscarriage because I knew what to expect. When I started bleeding with the first baby all the doctor said was "you might be having a miscarriage but it could just be normal bleeding" I was in shock when it happened, I didn't know what was going on or how to deal with it. Many people who have miscarriages don't know anyone else who has. It is a very hard time and most people don't like hearing about it at all. I love looking back and reading my "months" blogs because it is nice to see how far I have come. June 21, 2010 was the hardest day of my life! I felt like my whole world was falling in around me. Today 8 months later I sit here having now been through two miscarriages still feeling sad but not helpless. I don't think life was ever meant to be easy but it would be nice if I didn't have to deal with my struggles. Instead of sitting here playing with our child I sit here trying to decide if I want to go on Clomid next month or if I want to wait till we see the genetic doctor in June. January 6, 2011 my baby was due and my infertility journey would have ended. I feel like right now after two miscarriages we are now starting again. Next time I get pregnant I might carry the baby full term or I could just have another miscarriage. I think the second miscarriage was easier because we knew more. We saw the baby's heart beat, we know why the baby died, and we know it was a girl. I miss both the babies so much and they will always be in my heart! I have written letters to both of them that I plan to open on our child's first birthday (whenever that may be.) It is funny I feel hopeless but I hope so much. I hope I will get pregnant again, I hope I will have a healthy baby, I hope the pain will go away, and most of all I hope for the best! As days have turned into weeks and weeks turned into months the months are getting very close to turning into a year. I don't know where I will be then all I know is where I have been and where I am now! This experience has made me the person I am today and some days I feel good about that. Other days I feel like shit, I want to be the care free person I use to be but I know I can never go back I can only go forward!

I can never decide whether my dreams are the result of my thoughts, or my thoughts the result of my dreams

WARNING!!! this is going to be one of those crazy infertile blogs.

Well let me start by saying I have a UTI. In April when I found out I was pregnant I had a UTI, I also had one when we found out I was pregnant in November. Well about a week and a half ago I started the symptoms of a UTI so I went to the doctor a few days ago. I peed in a cup and sure enough I have a UTI, they also did a pregnancy test. I was beyond freaking out about the results! I want to be pregnant because I want a baby more then anything and how cool would it be to get pregnant with out drugs, but then I was nervous if I am pregnant what if I loose another baby? So long story short my blood pressure was crazy high and they almost sent me to the ER and the pregnancy test was negative. I didn't let it get me down because my period was not due till the 22nd so maybe I am pregnant but it was just to early to tell. I knew deep down I was not pregnant but it was kind of nice to think about it. I would be one of those infertiles that could say "I had two miscarriages then I was able to get pregnant with out drugs!" Well I am not that lucky! My period came today and I was very proud of myself, I did not cry. Honestly not peeing on the ovulation test and pregnancy test make my period feel more like a new start then a shitty ending. When I saw the blood instead of thinking "no baby" the first thing I thought was "no sex" I couldn't help but laugh thinking about it later. This is the first time in years that my first thought when my period started was not about a baby. I know if you are reading this right now and you are not infertile you will think I am crazy, but I hope if you are reading this and are infertile you know you are not alone. All these crazy thoughts do not just go through my head!


On to other news...I messed up my back so bad I am pretty sure I will be calling the doctor on Tuesday. It feels like my spin is in the wrong way. I have had the heated blanket on it and it helps for the most part but it makes me so freaking hot! Also I was on the phone with my mom today while I was peeling potatoes and I was not really paying attention to the knife in my hand and I cut my finger pretty bad. I didn't think it would ever stop bleeding! It still hurts but finally stopped bleeding after about a half hour. If the weather is good (cold is fine but no snow) we are going to take a road trip to Bismarck!! We are going to Big Lots to get a steam mop and maybe going to the Zoo.

Together Forever!!!

Four years ago today Darin and I started dating!!! I love him so much and we are so happy together!!!

Pills Pills Pills

I have been on Metformin for a while, it should be helping my PCOS but I have not really seen a change. I also take prenatal vitamins because we are trying to get pregnant. I take Dicyclomine to help my stomach. I have IBS and sometimes my stomach hurts really bad I just can not move. Since December 12th (the second miscarriage) I have felt pretty hopeless about the whole baby thing and I stoped taking my pills. I would still take the stomach pills sometimes but with out taking the Metformin my stomach issues were not to bad. I decided today that I will start taking all my pills again in hopes it will help me get pregnant with out the use of Clomid. Don't get me wrong even with all these pills we still only have a 10% chance but even though the pills make me sick as hell I figure the doctors gave them to me for a reason. I am going to take them and just be sick. I hate the prenatal because it is a reminder of what I lost. The Metformin makes me so sick and the stomach pills hardly help. I could talk to the doctor about changing the pills or going off them but these are the only pills I can take while pregnant. So while we try to get pregnant I don't want to take anything that could hurt our "maybe baby." To make a long story short I took all my pills today and my stomach is now killing me. I always joke with Darin and tell him I would feel better if he would just cut my stomach out.

On another note I got $30 in the mail today! It is to do some TV survey thing and I am excited! We are getting Girl Scout Cookies again today! Four boxes of Girl Scout and that is it! I hate spending so much for cookies but the money goes to such a good cause. Darin had to work Super Bowl Sunday so I taped it for him and we are going to get pizza and wings and watch it on Saturday. I love spending time with my husband!!!

The pictures are us trying to take a family picture with Shadow and Spooky.

job update

ok so i went in for the CNA training today and before i even applied for it i told them i could not work right after the training due to doctors and stuff. they said it was fine, i told them again when i had the interview. they said i dont have to work for the hospital if i dont want to so it is not a big deal. so in class today they were asking everyone if they wanted full time or part time and i said i could not work right away and then i wanted part time but it has to be nights. i have so much blood work and doctors appointments and i am a stay at home wife first. they said i have to work right after the training. so i told them it would have to be one day a week because the fertility doctor only comes once every 4 months and i WILL NOT change the appointment. the lady got all mad and said "we will need you when we need you. we can not give you nights and you have to work at least twice a week" this would have all been fine if they had just said that to begin with! i am so mad because i really liked the class and i hate wasting time! so again INFERTILITY is running my fucking life! i want a baby more then i need some stupid job. sorry i had to vent!!!

NEW JOB

I start a three week CNA training tomorrow. I am really excited about it. I have wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember and I was going to school to be an RN. The college here doesn't take my credits and I can not really commit the time to redo all my classes. I can commit to the three weeks for the CNA! I am not to excited that I will have to work days the next three weeks but we will make it work. I wont see Darin much if at all for the next three weeks but it should be worth it in the end. We still want me to be a stay at home wife but if I like being a CNA I will try to work once or twice a week. There is no reason not to work while Darin is working but I will never let another job take our time together away. As long as we can afford for me to be home then I will be. I love being a stay at home wife. It brings so much joy to my life knowing I can be here for Darin all the time. I am nervous about tomorrow but mainly because of my stomach. I am not watching the Super Bowl but I am taping it so Darin and I can watch it together next weekend. There is a Law and Order SVU marathon on so I am going to watch that!