Monday, February 21, 2011

8 months

Wow! 8 months already! We lost our first baby 8 months ago today and the due date was a little over a month ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about our baby. It is weird to think that our baby would be over a month old right now. I talked to an old friend tonight and she made me think; why don't they prepare you for a miscarriage? Doctors tell you what you can and cant do, what to eat and what not to eat, but none of them ever tell you how shitty it will feel if you loose the baby. I was way more prepared for the second miscarriage because I knew what to expect. When I started bleeding with the first baby all the doctor said was "you might be having a miscarriage but it could just be normal bleeding" I was in shock when it happened, I didn't know what was going on or how to deal with it. Many people who have miscarriages don't know anyone else who has. It is a very hard time and most people don't like hearing about it at all. I love looking back and reading my "months" blogs because it is nice to see how far I have come. June 21, 2010 was the hardest day of my life! I felt like my whole world was falling in around me. Today 8 months later I sit here having now been through two miscarriages still feeling sad but not helpless. I don't think life was ever meant to be easy but it would be nice if I didn't have to deal with my struggles. Instead of sitting here playing with our child I sit here trying to decide if I want to go on Clomid next month or if I want to wait till we see the genetic doctor in June. January 6, 2011 my baby was due and my infertility journey would have ended. I feel like right now after two miscarriages we are now starting again. Next time I get pregnant I might carry the baby full term or I could just have another miscarriage. I think the second miscarriage was easier because we knew more. We saw the baby's heart beat, we know why the baby died, and we know it was a girl. I miss both the babies so much and they will always be in my heart! I have written letters to both of them that I plan to open on our child's first birthday (whenever that may be.) It is funny I feel hopeless but I hope so much. I hope I will get pregnant again, I hope I will have a healthy baby, I hope the pain will go away, and most of all I hope for the best! As days have turned into weeks and weeks turned into months the months are getting very close to turning into a year. I don't know where I will be then all I know is where I have been and where I am now! This experience has made me the person I am today and some days I feel good about that. Other days I feel like shit, I want to be the care free person I use to be but I know I can never go back I can only go forward!

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