Sunday, February 20, 2011

I can never decide whether my dreams are the result of my thoughts, or my thoughts the result of my dreams

WARNING!!! this is going to be one of those crazy infertile blogs.

Well let me start by saying I have a UTI. In April when I found out I was pregnant I had a UTI, I also had one when we found out I was pregnant in November. Well about a week and a half ago I started the symptoms of a UTI so I went to the doctor a few days ago. I peed in a cup and sure enough I have a UTI, they also did a pregnancy test. I was beyond freaking out about the results! I want to be pregnant because I want a baby more then anything and how cool would it be to get pregnant with out drugs, but then I was nervous if I am pregnant what if I loose another baby? So long story short my blood pressure was crazy high and they almost sent me to the ER and the pregnancy test was negative. I didn't let it get me down because my period was not due till the 22nd so maybe I am pregnant but it was just to early to tell. I knew deep down I was not pregnant but it was kind of nice to think about it. I would be one of those infertiles that could say "I had two miscarriages then I was able to get pregnant with out drugs!" Well I am not that lucky! My period came today and I was very proud of myself, I did not cry. Honestly not peeing on the ovulation test and pregnancy test make my period feel more like a new start then a shitty ending. When I saw the blood instead of thinking "no baby" the first thing I thought was "no sex" I couldn't help but laugh thinking about it later. This is the first time in years that my first thought when my period started was not about a baby. I know if you are reading this right now and you are not infertile you will think I am crazy, but I hope if you are reading this and are infertile you know you are not alone. All these crazy thoughts do not just go through my head!

On to other news...I messed up my back so bad I am pretty sure I will be calling the doctor on Tuesday. It feels like my spin is in the wrong way. I have had the heated blanket on it and it helps for the most part but it makes me so freaking hot! Also I was on the phone with my mom today while I was peeling potatoes and I was not really paying attention to the knife in my hand and I cut my finger pretty bad. I didn't think it would ever stop bleeding! It still hurts but finally stopped bleeding after about a half hour. If the weather is good (cold is fine but no snow) we are going to take a road trip to Bismarck!! We are going to Big Lots to get a steam mop and maybe going to the Zoo.

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