October 1st

Well September has ended and went by so fast. I feel like since the miscarriage the days, weeks, and months are just flying by. Today is October 1st and for me that means very different things. Only 20 days till my husbands birthday! It brings new beginnings, I am on the Provera so I can expect my period any day now and I am already in pain (thank you PCOS). On cycle day 3 I will start the double dose of the Clomid and honestly I don't know how to feel about it. I am excited because I want it to work but then I think "what if it doesn't work" a single dose of Clomid makes me emotional and crazy, a double dose is only going to make it worse. I will deal with it and hopefully we get pregnant this time! I would have been 28 weeks pregnant for Halloween and I was really excited to hand out candy and look nice and pregnant. Now I am not sure I even want to do anything. When I was pregnant I thought to all the holidays and how pregnant I would be and now that I am not pregnant it is hard. I feel like a failure. I should be able to get pregnant and carry a baby with no issue, that is what ladies do! I hate that I can not give my husband a child right now! October should be a great month, it is my favorite month. Although this year feels different. Maybe it is not just about the baby maybe it is because we are not in Las Vegas anymore. Who knows? Some days I am happy and think positive most of the day and then there are days like today where I just want to snuggle with my husband and cry. I hate PCOS! I hate infertility! I hate being a failure! I hate pregnant people who rub it in my face! I guess October 1st is a day full of hate, anger, sadness, and a little happiness for me. I hope everyone else is having a better day.