Thursday, October 21, 2010

4 Months...

It has been a really busy week. Darin is on leave so we have been going out and having a great time. Today marks four months since the miscarriage. I have been so busy with other things it has kept my mind occupied. It has been hard off and on. I miss our baby so much but I hope to get pregnant this month. I want to hear my babies heart beat and see the ultrasound! I don't really know what to say other then things I have already said. I am sick of people telling me "it will happen when it is meant to be" What the FUCK does that even mean? Why am I not "meant" to be a mother right now? Why was I "meant" to have a miscarriage? I really want people to think before they talk to me or just don't talk to me. If someones child died of cancer you would not walk up to them and say "well it is ok because it was meant to be" Just because I am infertile and had a miscarriage does not give you the right to say anything you want to me. I know alot of people don't know what to say so why not just say "I am sorry and I am here if you need me" Don't tell me it is not big deal because we can adopt and don't tell me you will carry my baby for me because I don't want you to carry my baby. I want children but I want to be pregnant too.

Today compared to one month later is alot better. Tons of people said "it will be ok" and I would not say it is ok but it is better. It still hurts and I still cry about it often but I have to admit I never thought the pain would get better. Instead of a knife in my heart it feels more like a small needle. Maybe one day it will only feel like a paper cut.

Be grateful for everything you have today because tomorrow it could all be gone!

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