Monday, September 27, 2010

Will This Nightmare Ever End???

I have decided that if I am not pregnant by next summer we are going to take some money out of the savings account and plan a trip to Disney World. It may not be the best place for an infertile to go but I want to have fun and go on a vacation with Darin. We have gone away together but always to visit family. Why save all this money for a baby that we may not have for years or ever. We should enjoy it the best we can. I am hoping we will be out of Minot by then and at a new base, maybe even a base in Florida and we can drive to Disney World. Everything I do and everywhere I go I think about "if I am pregnant" "if we have kids" When I go shopping to buy some new clothes I get them a little bit bigger just in case I am or get pregnant I don't want to have to waste money on more clothes. I don't smoke or drink at all anymore. I don't like going to places full of smoke because if I am pregnant I don't want it to hurt the baby. I eat crazy healthy and try not to cheat on my diet as much as I use to. I walk by the baby stuff in a store and try not to cry. I hear a baby crying in a store and I want to cry or punch the parent for not making them stop crying. I get so mad when people complain about being pregnant. I would do or give anything to be pregnant again. I would love to have what so many people take for granted. I wish for one day I could do whatever I want and not think about being pregnant! It would be a relaxing day in my head. For those of you who are not infertile you may think I sound crazy and maybe I am but I cant help the way I feel. Some days I want Darin to leave me so he can go on and have the children he wants with someone who can give him a family. I know he would never leave me but it makes me feel horrible that I am putting him through this nightmare. I feel like my life is a waste, I cant do the one thing I was meant to do. Life is simple, you are born, go to school, get a job, get married, and have a baby. I have never not wanted to be a mother. I hate that I have to go through this and people who should not have kids are on their 3rd or 4th. I know life is not fair but I cant help and think "why me?" I am trying to be positive but I really just need one day when I don't have to think about it, I don't have to have my blood taken, I don't have to take any pills that make me sick, and I can just relax.

Ok on to other news. Darin and I will be having Thanksgiving at our house this year. I am pretty excited about it. I love cooking and hosting parties. I don't think I will be making a turkey but everything else should be pretty traditional unless I decide to do Italian this year. I am sure I will change my mind a million times before then. We have already done alot of Christmas shopping and most of the gifts are already wrapped. I know it is really early but I love being ready.


  1. Disney is awesome! I went years ago and can't wait to go back.

  2. i went twice as a kid and loved it :) i think it would be the best vacation