love yourself always!

I am not feeling to good today. My stomach is killing me! I have done pretty good about staying busy while Darin was gone and he will be back tomorrow!!! I cant wait to see him. I know he has only been gone for two weeks but I missed him so much! I have been relaxing today, trying to get better, and listening to music. There is a nail in my tire so I have to bring the car to walmart to get a new tire because they are under warranty, thank goodness. We are doing the Clomid again in June and I have to say I am not excited at all! I want a baby so bad but I am sick of feeling like shit because of all the drugs and stuff. I wish life was easy and we had no struggles but then again Darin and I have become so much stronger as a couple. I would not trade my life with him for anything in this world! He makes me feel so good all the time, he is strong when I cant be, he is funny when I need to laugh, he really is the love of my life! All week people have been telling me things that I just don't want to hear. I am really to nice sometimes because I will sit here and listen to anything you want to tell me but you are no where to be found when I need help. I think that no matter what you look like you should be comfortable in your own skin! Some people are only ugly because they think they are ugly. I am so happy to feel good about the way I look. Darin will say I am to conceited and at times I am but I think it is very good to love yourself! That's all I have for now I may write more later.

11 months...(a day late)

I have been thinking and thinking about what to write and nothing is coming to me. I miss my baby so much and I can not believe we are only one month away from a year. I should have an almost 5 month old baby but I don't. I didn't get to have newborn pictures done, I didn't get to hold my baby, I cant see my baby smile, or hear him laugh. I sit here with empty arms thinking of what could have been. Emotionally today is a million times better then it was the day we lost the baby. I felt so weak the day we lost the baby, so empty, so sad, and millions of other things, today I can proudly say I feel strong! I feel like no matter what happens I can make it through! I love my husband and I love both of the babies that we lost! I will never hold them or hear them laugh but I will always know them!

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden

I am having trouble sleeping but I guess that is nothing new. I slept about four hours and I am tired but I just cant go back to sleep. I called housing again because of our yard and I had to leave a message. When we moved in it was all dirt and we were told that the yards would not be turned over to us until they were established, well I still have more dirt then anything and I told them I would not take the yard. Last year I showed them pictures and they said someone would come out after winter, no one has come so I called about a month ago. They said they would look into it and call me back no one called back so I called again. They said the same thing and again no one called me back so I called this morning and left a message. If no one calls me by Thursday I am going into the office and I will make someone figure it out while I am there. I am so sick of the housing office giving me the run around. I am so excited to put in our BOP list so we can get out of here!

I miss Darin a whole bunch! I am having his truck detailed on Wednesday! I am so crazy happy that we have the truck paid off!!! I feel so lucky to have such a great husband! He really is the perfect guy for me! I locked Shadow in the hall closet yesterday. I was putting stuff away before I showered and he must of run in there while I wasn't looking. When I was done in the shower Spooky was sitting by the door and I thought that was weird so when I opened the door Shadow was laying on the sheets. He didn't seem to mind being in there but I don't want his fur all over the clean sheets. I have a doctors appointment today and I hope it goes well.

Lost with out my love

Well Darin has been on vacation now for a few days and I am going crazy with out him. I have been cleaning and I made a sauce but there is not much to do when my husband is gone. I don't have anyone to clean up after, there is hardly any laundry, not many dishes, and I have no one to cook for! I miss him so much! I feel kind of lost with out him. It is nice that when I clean it stays clean alot longer but I love cleaning up after Darin, it makes me feel like I am doing something. I have been watching My Name is Earl off and on for a few days and I am on season four! I love this show.

pain pain go away and dont come back some other day

After all the ultrasounds, pills, and the shot I really thought we would get pregnant this month. I was so sure with symptoms and all. Wow how wrong was I? I hear many people say after a miscarriage that they would have rather never had a positive then loose the baby. I think the opposite, I would rather get pregnant and loose the baby then never be pregnant at all. Sometimes I am sad when I get my period and other times I am happy for a new start. This month is very very hard! I feel so empty and alone right now. I have always had bad periods but since the two miscarriages they have been so much worse! My cramps are so bad I can hardly move, I just want to curl into a ball and cry! I feel like the past two months have been hell, all the pills make me so sick and moody. I want it to all be worth it in end but what if it never is? I want to stay strong and keep trying but on days like this I just want to stop! I want to stop taking pills that make me sick, I want to stop having ultrasounds that leave me in tears, I want to stop being emotional, I want to stop listening to people talk shit, and I want to stop having periods that me feel like I am going to die! I just want to STOP it all and move on with my life. Then I think about our babies and I cant give up!

not pregnant...

I am not really sure how to put into words how I feel. I was so sure the drugs worked and we got pregnant for sure, I guess I should not have got so excited. Darin left today and wont be back in time to try this month so we will wait till June to go back on the Clomid. That is all I have to write today I have been up since 4am and cant nap. It is going to be a long day and a long few weeks.

wAiTiNg...

I feel like I do not know the meaning of waiting! Darin and I decided we are going to wait till the 23rd for me to go in and have a pregnancy test, well today we went to the hospital for his MRI and our plans for waiting were ruined. We wanted to have a pregnancy test today but I had to put in a message for my doctor on base because my referral for my OB expired (OOPS) so I cant see him of have him order anything till the 19th when I have the referral renewed. So we are now waiting for my doctor to call and let me know if he will order the test for tomorrow or if he is going to make me wait. Sometimes I feel like all I do is wait and sometimes I just cant wait! Unless you are infertile you will never understand the crazy that goes on in my head.

On a non baby related topic, Darin and I had pictures taken today!!! I have to say I looked pretty hot and Darin looked so handsome. We had so much fun! Darin leaves for NC very soon and I am excited for him but I am going to miss him so much!!!

to pee or not to pee?!

My new years resolution was to not pee on a stick. We are five months into the year and so far so good. This month is the first time this year we have done fertility drugs and I have a real chance of being pregnant. My period is due in four days and I want to pee on a stick!!! I know it sounds weird but I miss the exciting feeling I get walking into the bathroom with the test. I want to stay strong and I really want to make it all year with out peeing on a stick! If I pee on a stick now and it is positive then I can tell Darin before he leaves but the first time I was pregnant two days before my period was due the test was negative even though I was pregnant.

I think I am just going to wait as long as I can to go in and have the blood test done. I hope I can wait until at least May 23rd. As of right now I am doing everything as if I am pregnant just in case. I don't want to do anything that could hurt the baby. I am on light bed rest and it hasn't been to bad. I am still cooking and cleaning but no heavy lifting or anything like that. I feel pregnant and Darin thinks I am pregnant so fingers crossed!

Weekend fun!

I had such a great weekend with my hubby! Friday we went food shopping and cheated on our diet by getting fast food. We have been doing so good on the diet but I guess everything in moderation is ok. Saturday we went to town! We went to Slumberland to look at recliners, we found and awesome electric one that laid all the way back like a bed. We didn't buy anything right away, we left and went to Main Street. We bought Becky (my sister) a BLUE knife, and we got stuff that is made in ND for Darin to bring to his family in NC. We were talking about the recliner and figured we would go back and look again. We were ready to buy the electric recliner with the sale it was only about $500, as we were walking to the counter we walked by the recliner and I noticed the plug! DUH of course it plugs in it is electric, the plug does not work for us though because the recliner would pretty much be in the middle of the room. Darin and I both had a pretty dumb moment, he was thinking it ran on gas for some reason and I was thinking it had a battery. Needless to say we both felt pretty dumb but in our defence it was pretty early in the day. We spent another half hour or so looking at the other recliners that didn't plug in. We found a nice big one that rocks and reclines pretty far back! With the sale it was only $652 and that is with the five year warranty!!! I will post a picture of it! Now on to Sunday (Mother's Day) we called everyone to wish them a happy mothers day, Darin made pancakes, sausage, and eggs for breakfast. We went to town again and did some shopping. Darin needed a couple more things for his trip and litter was on sale so we got a bunch of that. I wanted to get ten litters and Darin looked at me like I was crazy so we compromised and got five. All in all we really had a great weekend! He has to work tonight then he is off till next month! He will be in NC for about 16 days oh and we are having pictures done tomorrow!!! We were going to have pictures done outside but if it rains we have to move them inside. Life is so good right now and I am very lucky! Fingers crossed for a positive pregnancy test!!!!

Pregnancy Test...

I went to the doctor on base yesterday because I have felt like crap. I am on Metformin and I thought my blood sugar might have been low because I have felt dizzy and faint. Turns out my sugar is fine, the doctor ran a bunch of test and everything has come back normal. He tested for a UTI and he said it looks like there may be the very start of a UTI, so I was told to drink cranberry juice. He did a pregnancy test and it did not come back positive or negative. The doctor said my beta levels were higher then they would be if I was not pregnant but not high enough to say I am for sure pregnant. So the levels could be what they are because I am pregnant or because the ovedrill shot is still in my system. All in all we have no answer as to why I feel like crap and no for sure answer about being pregnant or not. I guess we will just wait and see. I am not sure how I feel, I want to be excited that the test was not negative but I don't want to get my hopes up!

In my crazy infertile mind (or for real) I have some symptoms of being pregnant: I feel like I am going to throw up, I am peeing more, and my nipples are killing me. The first pregnancy I felt like this a week before we found out I was pregnant so maybe it is a good sign, the second pregnancy I didn't really have any symptoms (other then peeing more) till 5 weeks.

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was

Osama Bin Laden was killed by the U. S. Military. All the troops are in my thoughts and I hope everyone is safe. I hope nothing happens and my husband still gets to go on leave. He is looking forward to seeing his family and it will suck if he cant go! Being a Military wife is not easy, I feel bad when my husband has to work crazy long hours and deployments are not fun. I know no matter what my husband will always want to be in the Military. The hours might suck and being away from family is hard but he loves his job. I am so very proud of my husband for everything he does! He is such a strong man and a loving husband.

On to the baby news! My period is due in 11 days. I feel really dizzy and faint, I think the Metformin is messing with my blood sugar I am going to the doctor tomorrow. So far through out the day I feel like I am going to throw up off and on, I am peeing more but I pee alot as it is, and my nipples are pretty freaking sore. I hope all of this is a good sign but we wont know for at least 11 days. On May 13th I can go in for a pregnancy test but I am going to try my hardest to wait till May 23rd just in case my period shows up. Of course if my period doesn't show up on time I will get my hopes up and as of right now I am doing everything as if I am pregnant already so I don't mess anything up! Tonight when we clean Shadow and Spooky's room (yes they have their own room) I will have on a mask so I don't breath in anything that could harm the baby that might not even be there.