in the infertility news....

It is CD16. I went in for the ultrasound and it hurt so bad. Darin was able to come with me (for the first time) and has said he never wants to go back. He hated seeing me in so much pain. He was so sweet and stayed up late just to go with me and held my hand the whole time. Just like in April my follicles were not big enough so Dr. Billings wanted me to go back in two days and have it done again. With the flood and all the pain Darin and I decided not to go back for another ultrasound so we could not do the trigger shot. We are doing this month just like before with just the Clomid, oh and I am on progesterone. At first I was freaking out about the progesterone because I did not want to have to insert it every day. I thought it was going to be gross and messy but it really is not to bad. I should have ovulated or will ovulate sometime this week. We have started having sex and that is always fun! I still have little hope that we will get pregnant this month but I am trying very hard to be positive! I guess I am very good at thinking the worst then trying to talk myself into believing the best. There is just so much running through my head right now it is hard to keep it all straight! Darin has to work all weekend and Brittany wants to go a girls night! I have not seen Brittany in way to long so I cant wait to hang out with her!!!

FLOOD FIGHT 2011

There is a pretty bad flood in Minot right now! We are on base, safe, and dry! It breaks my heart to see so many people have to leave their homes. We dropped off a box of donations today and I wish there was more we could do. There are so many people that may not even have a home to go back to. this is a link to the news facebook page! They have been great with updates and they are running the news 24/7 till this is all over. Everyone has come together to help anyone that needs it! It has been amazing to watch how nice people can be.

ONE YEAR!!!!

One year ago today we lost our first baby. It was the hardest day of my life and I think about our baby everyday. Today is a hard day! I feel like my chest is tight and I cant breath. A whole year has gone by and I still have empty arms! I have wanted to have a baby for so long and it just seems to be getting harder and harder. Our baby would be almost 6 months old right now. I still blame myself and would do anything to go back in time and try to do it right. I could not do this with out my husband, I am so very lucky to have him! I want my baby back, I want to hear him laugh, I want to hear him cry, I want to feed him, and I want to rock him to sleep. I had so many hopes and dream for that little tiny baby. We had so much love to share with him! I would have loved to know if the baby looked more like me or more like Darin. Would his eyes be blue or brown? Would he have Darin's smile? Would he have my laugh? I will never know anything about our baby and just be left with questions. I would give anything to be able to hold my baby and tell him how sorry I am and how much I love him! This baby will always be our first child and he will always have a place in my heart. A year ago today I felt like my world was going to end and today I keep reliving the moment in my head. Could I have done something different? Could I have saved him? Again I will forever only have questions with no real answers. The day the test was positive we became parents and our baby forever changed our lives! I guess that is all! I will end this blog with one more question. Did he know how much we loved him?

tomorrow....

I go in at 8am tomorrow for the ultrasound to see if my follicles grew! I am so scared because I don't think the Clomid worked! I know I need to be positive and all that shit but I am just not sure. Tomorrow is also one whole year since we lost the first baby. I hope we get good news at the ultrasound so the day wont be all bad! I really wish Darin was off tomorrow and able to spend the day with me and drive me to and from the doctor. I hate that the ultrasound is so painful! I am so nervous about tomorrow I don't know how I will be able to sleep tonight!

Fathers Day Weekend!

Fathers day weekend was awesome!!!! Last year on fathers day I started to miscarry so this year I was making up for it. Friday I got Darin cake truffles in the shape of little beer bottles! Saturday we packed up the truck and headed to Bismarck! We ate at Texas Road house and went to see bull riding! Our seats were pretty good and we got to meet some of the riders! We then drove back to Minot and hit a crazy scary storm but made it home safe. Oh crap I almost forgot, on the way to Bismarck I hit a bird(for the first time ever). Sunday I woke Darin up with a plate of fresh fruit, we had breakfast, and he went to the gym. When he got back we went food shopping then went to get food! Last night we hung out and watched movies. We both had a great time this weekend and I am glad that I could make this fathers day way better then the last one. Some of you may judge and think we are not parents because our babies died but I could care less what you think. My husband is a great father and we will forever celebrate fathers day!

Last day of the Clomid

Today is the last day of the Clomid! I will go in on Tuesday and have the ultrasound to see if my follicles grew. I am really nervous because I don't think the Clomid worked this time. I am still taking the progesterone and it has not been as bad/messy as I thought it would be. My stomach is killing me today and for some reason I have a very weird feeling today. I cant really explain it I just feel off. I don't know how to feel about everything this month. It has for sure been a rough month so far, I am just ready for it to be over!

stress

Right now the hubby and I live in a house filled with stress. After getting no real answers at the genetic doctor and starting progesterone it has been a little intense. I wish I didn't have to put Darin through all this shit and I wish I didn't have to stress him out. It sucks even more because the military could care less what life is like at home, they expect everyone to be 100% all the time and that is just not possible. We are both ready to fast forward a few months and see where life is then because right now is no walk in the park! I don't need things to be easy I just need them to be a little easier then they are now and I want some answers to at least some of my million questions. I hate to say it but we might need a break (from baby making) after this month. Not trying is stressful because it is something we both want so bad but trying is more intense and fucking with our heads. I really wish we could go back in time a few years, it would change our lives! Sometimes I really cant help but blame myself for everything. Some days I just feel like everything is my fault and Darin would be better off with someone else. I know he doesn't feel the same way but sometimes I just cant help the way I feel. I start the Clomid today and I am scared out of my mind about it. I am already emotional so adding the Clomid is just going to make it so much worse! It is going to be a long hard week!

progesterone

Today my period started so it is CD1, that means a new month of trying for a baby. The genetic doctor was awesome! He explained everything so well. I started progesterone suppositories today and I have to say I thought it was going to be crazy weird but it is not that bad. I will have to do it everyday until I get my period next month or until my 12th week of pregnancy. I will start the Clomid on Saturday and I really hope everything goes well this time! I hope it is a great month and all our dreams come true!!!

sometimes all i can do is cry!

The day before a big doctors appointment is always very hard for me. A million things run through my head and I cant stop thinking/crying. Right now I feel bad for my hubby. I hate that I have to put him through this shit. I feel like I need to blame myself even more because I know he doesn't blame me. Tomorrow they could tell me that I can never have a healthy baby and I hate that I then will have to make Darin decide between me and a baby. It is not fair for him at all and I feel like a shitty wife. I know in my heart that Darin loves me but sometimes I just want him to hate me and blame me at least half as much as I blame myself! He is such a great guy and deserves someone that can give him everything he wants and more. I really hate the day before a big doctors appointment and I am sure tomorrow after the appointment we will have more questions and no real answers just like every other time! I get myself all worked up and bothered over the craziest crap.

fReAkInG oUt!!!!

This is a crazy month and I am freaking out. Darin has the BOP list in and once we find out he is going to reenlist. I am scared that he wont be able to reenlist and he told me that he is pretty sure he will/can reenlist. We go to see the genetic doctor on Wednesday! Since all of our blood work is coming back normal I am 90% sure they are going to tell us the same crap we already know, but what if they tell us we can NEVER have a healthy baby? I am stressing out so much this week. I also have to stop and pick up my Clomid while we are in town on Wednesday. My period should be here in 6ish days and then three days after it starts we will start the Comid. Today is a little overwhelming, I stopped doing something I like to move onto bigger and better things, I just hope it will work out. I feel like my whole world is going to end sometimes. I hate when I panic and feel nervous for no reason. Since the very first round of Clomid I have been crazy and it is not fun. Thank goodness I have Darin!!! I really don't know what I would do with out him!

he is home!!!

Darin has been home since Saturday and went back to work yesterday. I feel like I have not had any time to spend with him. We are going to the genetic doctor on Wednesday and I have to say I am freaking out! Darin put in his BOP list last night and I am excited but afraid all at the same time! I hope we get our BOP, then Darin is going to put in the reenlistment paperwork and that is way more scary. I hope it doesn't get denied and he is able to reenlist with no issue! So many things are going on this month I hope it all works out and everything goes at least a little according to plan. I am so crazy excited that Darin is home! I missed him so so much. We are going to town this weekend to get a lawn mower and maybe go to lunch!