Tuesday, June 21, 2011
One year ago today we lost our first baby. It was the hardest day of my life and I think about our baby everyday. Today is a hard day! I feel like my chest is tight and I cant breath. A whole year has gone by and I still have empty arms! I have wanted to have a baby for so long and it just seems to be getting harder and harder. Our baby would be almost 6 months old right now. I still blame myself and would do anything to go back in time and try to do it right. I could not do this with out my husband, I am so very lucky to have him! I want my baby back, I want to hear him laugh, I want to hear him cry, I want to feed him, and I want to rock him to sleep. I had so many hopes and dream for that little tiny baby. We had so much love to share with him! I would have loved to know if the baby looked more like me or more like Darin. Would his eyes be blue or brown? Would he have Darin's smile? Would he have my laugh? I will never know anything about our baby and just be left with questions. I would give anything to be able to hold my baby and tell him how sorry I am and how much I love him! This baby will always be our first child and he will always have a place in my heart. A year ago today I felt like my world was going to end and today I keep reliving the moment in my head. Could I have done something different? Could I have saved him? Again I will forever only have questions with no real answers. The day the test was positive we became parents and our baby forever changed our lives! I guess that is all! I will end this blog with one more question. Did he know how much we loved him?