happy birthday AIDAN!!!!!

Aidan is 12 months old today!!!! He is such an amazing baby! He is walking more, trying to run, talking more, and climbing a lot more! I never thought we would have a baby and here we are celebrating his first year of life. I am so very lucky!!!

11 months

This is Aidan's last month as a baby!!!! I am sad but excited. I love watching this little man grow! 11 months old today! Aidan is talking more and more everyday and has tons of new sounds. He has been walking for a few weeks now! He has different facial expressions all the time! Aidan is so freaking cute. He has the most amazing laugh. He loves to climb on everything and push his toy box around the room. He is now signing milk almost every time he wants milk! Aidan is such a smart baby. He still is not getting much if any regular food, he loves the boobies! Shadow and Spooky are playing with Aidan more now. Aidan is still a bit rough with them but he is getting better. Aidan also loves to make a lot of noise, he loves to yell and bang anything/everything together. It is pretty cute! Darin and I are so lucky to have such an amazing child! We are going to soak up every last second we have with baby Aidan before we know it baby Aidan will become toddler Aidan!

the good

First I want to say that I am (now) so grateful for my infertility experience. Now that I have Aidan I look back and it all seems to have gone perfectly. I don’t want anyone to take this post the wrong way. Before Aidan was born there was nothing “good” about infertility in my eyes, but now looking back I can see some good things. 1. STRANGERS LEFT ME ALONE: Any time I leave the house with Aidan random people will come up to us and start taking to us. They want to comment on how cute he is or how well behaved he is. The thing that bothers me the most is when people tough him. I do not know why people think it is appropriate to touch a stranger, baby or not. So being able to shop without being stopped by tons of strangers was a benefit of being infertile. 2. GOING TO THE BATHROOM ALONE: We all know as infertiles we spend tons of time in the bathroom peeing on things. In the years leading up to Aidan being born I much have peed on hundreds of pregnancy tests and countless ovulation test. Looking back I miss the all the bathroom time I had to myself. Don’t get me wrong I think it is super cute when Aidan crawls around the bathroom opening cabinets and playing with toys but sometimes it would be nice to pee (or poop) alone. Even if Darin is home and I shut the door Aidan stand at the door and bangs on it until I come out, again I think this behavior is super cute. I use to dread going to bathroom to pee on a stick but now I look back and see that going to the bathroom alone was nice and I should not have taken advantage of it. 3. WEARING CLOTHES THAT FIT: Years ago if I lost (or gained) weight I would go out and buy new clothes. I have lost a lot of weight after having Aidan but I am finding it hard to go clothes shopping. I have always hated clothes shopping but now it seems like hell! Nothing fits right or it is not nursing friendly. So a benefit of being infertile was clothes fit me better before baby. I really see no point in buying new clothes because I hardly ever go out and when I am home I am topless 99% of the time. That’s all I have! I love every moment of being a mother. Being Aidan’s mommy is not always easy and sometimes I need to take a minute to collect myself but I would not change it for the world. Two years ago if you asked me what the benefits of being infertile were I would have laughed (or cried) and thought you were nuts. During our infertility journey I was sad, empty, lost, happy, hopeful, down, etc. It was the hardest time in my life! Now looking back on that time I can see some good. I see why going through what we did has made us better parents today. I love Aidan so much deeper than I would have if we got pregnant right away. Aidan will be our only child, we will never try to get pregnant again, I will never be pregnant again, Aidan will never have a brother or sister, our infertility journey is OVER! The day Aidan was born my dream came true. I will forever remember the pain of infertility and I will forever be infertile but I will never have to try again. It feels freeing to know we have the baby we always wanted and we can be done trying. I feel happy to close that chapter in my life and open a new one. I want this blog post to help other infertiles find hope. Your dream will come true and you will look back and know it all happened to lead you to that perfect child. I got that advise from a friend before Aidan was born and I didn’t believe her. I didn’t believe I would ever think anything good of infertility but she was right. Aidan was always the baby that was meant for me.

10 months old!

Aidan is 10 months old today! He is a great crawler. He is standing all by himself. He is taking 3 good steps all by himself! It is amazing how far he has come since day one! Aidan is talking a lot more and loves to laugh. Aidan and I love to share apples and breastfeeding is going great. Aidan loves when daddy is here to play. He loves bath time and loves to play with straws. He is an amazing baby! Darin and I are so very lucky to have him!

41 weeks and 4 days old!

Aidan has been out in the world one day longer then he was inside me! I had him when I was 41 weeks and 3 days pregnant. My body has truly amazed me these past 83 weeks. It is so powerful knowing that my body grew him on the inside and my body is making milk to sustain him on the outside. For so many years I looked at my body as a failure. I was unable to get pregnant because my body was just not working. Now I feel amazing! My body is not failing me anymore. Aidan is growing and thriving and it is all due to my milk. It was overwhelming at first to know that my milk had to be enough to keep Aidan healthy. I stopped freaking out and just let my body do what it was made to do. Aidan eats whenever he wants to eat and my breast make all the milk he wants. Going from feeling like a failure to feeling amazing is awesome! I honestly feel like a super hero sometimes! I make milk! What's your super power?!?!

9 months old

Aidan is 9 months old today! He is crawling all over the place. He stands up all by himself for such a long time. He is trying so hard to walk. He still only has two teeth. On July 9th he weighed 21 lbs and 12 oz and was 28 1/2 inches long. The nurse said his top tooth would pop within a week but that didn't happen. Aidan is now trying to crawl on things. He loves to play with everything. He still is not really eating any food just breast milk! Aidan loves boobies and I could not be happier about it. I am s very glad we got him off the bottle. Aidan is doing great and talking a lot more. We are still cosleeping. Aidan still loves to wake daddy up in the morning. When me or Darin walk into a room Aidan gets super excited, smiles, and crawls to us as fast as he can. Aidan has been in 18 month clothes for a while. Aidan loves to blow raspberries on mommy and daddys bellies.

boxes!

The spare room is a mess! We have been going through all the boxes trying to cut down on some stuff. We are super excited to move but we do not want to take a bunch of crap we don't need. Once it gets cooler we are going to have a big yard sale and try to sell as much stuff as we can. We also went through all of Aidan's clothes that don't fit him anymore. We have a huge bin to sell and a huge bin to keep. I still cannot believe he is in 18 month clothes. In other news our front yard is now all rock instead of grass. It looks really good.

8 months old

Aidan is 8 months old today! He loves crawling and is getting into everything. He wants to play with Shadow and Spooky so bad but they are not too excited. Aidan grabs them way too hard and pulls out fur, he doesn’t understand the word easy. Shadow and Spooky like Aidan a lot more when he is sleeping. Aidan still loves boobies! We are doing baby led weaning (he eats the food we eat) but he is not eating much if any food. Darin and I think he will be walking within a month. He pulls himself up to stand on everything and walks along the furniture. He can stand on his own (without holding on to anything) for a few seconds before he falls. Aidan is a little dare devil and falls a lot because of it. He hates being “stuck” he doesn’t like being in the pack in play, of in the big baby gate thing we got. He wants to be able to go all over the place so I spend tons of time moving him away from the stairs and away from the TV. He loves waking daddy up in the morning. Aidan will crawl over to Darin and head butt him until he wakes up. It is very cute! We are so happy we made the switch to cloth diapers. All and all Aidan is amazing and doing so good!!!

3 years...

Three years ago today we lost our first baby. Weylin was with us for such a short time but had such a huge impact on our lives. It is hard to think about that day without crying. My heart broke that day and I never thought I would be happy again. I remember feeling so empty and lost. As the months went by the pain got easier to deal with. Even when we got pregnant with Holly I still felt the pain. I wish I could have seen Weylin and Holly grow up! As I watch Aidan grow day after day it makes my heart hurt for the children we lost. I will never “get over” it I will just learn to deal with it. I have to say that the pain is less when I look into Aidan’s eyes. He was meant to be our only living child. Weylin and Holly will always have a place in my heart and we will continue to talk about them. Aidan will always know how hard we worked to have him and how amazing it is that he is here. Our lives have been forever changed by the baby we never got to hold. Weylin and Holly have taught me to love Aidan more, enjoy every moment (bad and good), and most of all they taught me life is too short to care what other people think. I have stopped talking to friends and some family because they are negative people and I do not need negativity in my life. Aidan will grow up in a happy home with mommy and daddy. Darin and I both came from broken homes and we will not let that happen to Aidan! We worked too hard and waited so long for this amazing little baby. Weylin and Holly were amazing little babies while they were with us. Life would be so much different if Weylin had made it full term.

lucky

I am so so lucky! We struggled with infertility for years but it all ended the day Aidan was born. I still feel the pain of infertility but I have a sweet little baby to hold now. I look into Aidan’s eyes and I know it was all worth it in the end. Every test, every doctor appointment, every ultrasound, every tear, every pill, every shot, EVERYTHING led to Aidan. I wish I had known it would all end with a baby in the moment. There were so many times I thought I would never have a baby. The drive to the doctor from the base in North Dakota was long and those were the hardest drives. I would cry and I just knew I was not going to be a mom. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself it would all work out. I had some pretty low points. We had a big walk in closet and I use to sit in there and cry. I would sit on the floor and just let it all out. Then I would peel myself off of the floor and move on with my day. I never thought I would be able to hold my baby, hear him cry, kiss a boo boo, see him smile, but now I get to do all of those things and it feels great.

everyone needs support

Sometimes when I look at Aidan I can not help but think about Weylin and Holly. What would life be like with them here? It has been almost 3 years since we lost Weylin. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and other times it feels like a lifetime ago. I still cry, I still miss my babies, and I am still hurting. Darin and I only had each other up in North Dakota when Weylin died. Brittany was a huge help when Holly died. I felt so alone and felt as though no one cared. No one talks about Weylin and Holly and that makes me sad. People in our families do not even see them as “real” babies. I close my eyes and I can picture their sweet little faces. Aidan will always know about his brother and sister. They are “real” babies to me! People should just support each other, in hard times and in good times. Darin, Shadow, Spooky, Weylin, Holly, and Aidan are all the family I need. I will always support Darin and Aidan no matter what they do. I want to be here for them and be a positive person in their lives.

co-sleeping/bedsharing

As many or all of you know we have the crib as a side car. It is great to have Aidan close but still have space. Now that Aidan is moving around more he sleeps wherever he wants instead of where I put him. Sometimes he is right next to me nursing or close to the wall. Other times he is between Darin and I. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night to pee and Aidan takes my spot! All in all the side car is working out great and I think everyone should try it!

crawling!!!!

Aidan is now crawling!!!!! Darin missed the first crawl but when he got home from work Aidan crawled across the living room! Our sweet little baby is so awesome. He is doing so many things. He now loves to sit up, crawl, and pull himself up. I am sure he will be trying to walk in no time. Now we need to work on baby proofing.

is this about me?

I somtimes get e-mails or phone calls asking me if a post is about them. If the post was about the person I tell them when they ask. I do not write anything on my blog that I would not say to a persons face. Some post I have a person ot two in mind sometimes it is just a random rant about something I read on facebook. If you have a question, comment, rant, issue, etc with anything I write then talk to me about it.

7 months old

7 months old today! This month went by so fast. We are doing baby led weaning. Baby led weaning means we are not feeding Aidan purees. We are giving him solid food and he is feeding himself. We had watermelon the other day and Aidan LOVED it! We are not giving him much food. Food before 1 is just for fun. Breast milk is all Aidan needs. Aidan is rolling over way more now. He is pulling himself up to stand. He has been sitting on his own for a while now. He is trying so hard to crawl and is very close! He can now sit himself up from a laying position. It is amazing how strong our little baby is. Aidan puts his arms up when he wants to be held. He is just an amazing baby!

dream come true

I’m not sure how I want to start this blog. I have been thinking about all the things I want for Aidan. I want him to have a great life. I want him to be happy. I do not ever want him to know the pain of infertility! Darin and I went through alot to bring Aidan into this world I hope he is able to have kids easily. I will forever be here to love and support my son no matter what he chooses to do. I will never judge him if he does things differently than Darin and I. I will back him up and help him if he needs me. I do not think it is right for family to judge each other. Family should just be happy for family. Aidan’s life will be different than ours, I will make sure we never judge him or look down at him. I hope Aidan gets to do everything he wants to do in life. I hope he is a lawyer or doctor, yes I have high hopes and I know he can do it. I want Aidan to find love and be loved. Aidan was our dream come true and his life will be his dream come true.

my dad

Every once in a while I will look at Aidan from a weird angle and see my dad. It has been 15 years since my father passed away. My sister, mom, grandmother, and I were at Disney World. I remember one day my grandfather called and my mom had to talk to him alone so my grandmother took my sister and me out. I knew that meant bad news. I remember laying in bed that night just knowing someone had died. The first thing I said to myself was “it can not be my dad; he is too young to die.” When we got back from Disney World my mom sat us down in my grandparent’s living room. She told us our dad had died. I started crying and Becky (6 years old at the time) started to laugh. She was sure my mom was joking. I regret not seeing him in his coffin at the funeral. For years I thought he was still alive and he was going to find me soon. I can not even tell you how many times I wished he was alive when I blew out my birthday candles. The last time I talked to my dad he was canceling yet another visit with us and I told him I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. I wish I could go back in time and change that. There have been tons of times I wish I could call him with good news. If I knew then what I know now that last conversation would have been very different.

fall...

Aidan fell off the bed! It was terrifying! I was in the bathroom and Darin was downstairs. I put Aidan in the middle of the bed like I always do. He is moving around a lot now but I did not think he could make it from the middle of the bed off the side. I ran in the room and picked him up. He cried for a min or two but calmed down. I got him naked to make sure everything was ok. He was laughing and playing with daddy while I touched him all over to make sure nothing was hurt or broken. We called the doctor and the nurse said to just keep an eye on him for the next 24 hours. He is eating well and acting normal. He slept good last night and is acting normal today. I cried more then Aidan did!

poop

Aidan was a bit fussy yesterday, he felt a bit warm so we did naked time :) I held Aidan up to Darin and said "wouldn't it be funny if he peed on you?" he said "no way!" we both laughed and let Aidan play naked on the bed. He got hungry so I put him on my lap and started feeding him. I felt something warm on my leg and figured he was peeing. I look down and there is poop on my leg! I could not help but laugh. We got everything cleaned up and Darin and I continued to laugh about it off and on the rest of the day. Little things like that make me love our time together so much more. I love when all three of us are able to just hang out and relax even if it means getting pooped on.

people are awesome!

I put on Human milk for human babies - Nevada facebook page that I had milk to donate. I got a few emails and was lucky enough to donate to amazing people. One lady lives out of state but is coming to Las Vegas to visit friends. She emailed and said her friend is able to pick up milk before they get here. So I got it ready and met her friend. Today I got a box from her in the mail! It made me cry. It is so sweet of her to thank me in such a way. There are milk storage bags, chocolate, toffee, a card, and an outfit for Aidan to wear in the pool. Some people are so very sweet! I am so proud to be a milk donor!

always give more then you take

I have not always done the right thing. I have done bad things. When I was younger I was not the nicest person. I got in trouble and put myself in dumb situations. As I have gotten older I have really become a better person. I have made up for all the wrong I have done. I am giving more then I take. Being a milk donor means so much to me! I have donated over 900 oz of breast milk so far. When someone comes to pick up the milk or as I am driving to drop it off I have the most amazing feeling. Not only has Aidan been able to live and thrive from my milk but so have 4 other babies! I have had to decrease my supply a bit because of an oversupply issue but I am still freezing about 150 oz a month. I do not pump every day now but I do pump most mornings. I am proud and feel very good about being able to donate! My goal is to breastfeed Aidan until he is at least 3 years old. I plan to let him self wean. I also hope I am able to donate for as long as possible.