9 days and counting....

My due date is 9 days away. The crib should be set up with the cute bedding set we would have got for Christmas. The rocking chair I wanted should be by the window. The pack and play should be in the living room. Bottles should be washed and put in the cabinet. The closet full of baby clothes, extra diapers and wipes in the closet down stairs. A bag for the hospital should be packed with my stuff and outfits for the baby. Last minute cleaning and organizing should be happening. Trips to Walmart should have the cart full of diapers and last minute things. Plane tickets should be booked for family to be here. Car seat in the car just right for the ride home from the hospital. A name picked for our bundle of joy. We should be happy and excited to bring a new life into this world. We should be nervous to be first time parents. Life would be perfect but the baby died six months ago! I am sad that non of this is going on. I am sad I wont hold my baby in 9 days. I am sad I wont be bringing our first child home from the hospital. I am sad I can never hear our first baby cry or kiss him on the cheek. I am sad just plain sad that I am a mother to a baby I will never hold. Not just one baby but now I am the mother of two babies I will never hold, I will never feed, I will never kiss, I will never hear them cry or laugh, I will never experience what my life would be with them here.

I have alot of good things in life and I am very grateful for what I have! I will never be the person I was before. If you don't like it then I don't need you in my life. I have changed, you can take me as I am or not take me at all. I have every right to be sad and cry for the things I don't have but don't think for one second I am not happy about the things I do have. I don't need to be told "everything will be fine" or "just be happy with what you have and forget what you don't have" I will never forget my children! They will be in my heart forever. I will carry the pain of infertility and miscarriages with me for the rest of my life. This is not something I will just get over. That is not how it works for me. You may want me to be happy all the time and I would love that but no one is always happy. I love the things I have in life. I have the best husband in the world! I know life could be worse.