Monday, December 13, 2010
Last night was the night
I had the miscarriage last night at about 11:30pm. It was not as painful this time as it was last time but it still hurt. I did not go to the ER this time because I wanted the baby so I could bring it to the doctor. It was so weird looking at my baby in the palm of my hand. The nurse called this morning and said she would talk to the doctor and see what he wants to do. I am fighting for what I want this time and Tricare backs me up. I have talked to at least five doctors this morning and re telling the story over and over makes me cry. It is hard enough to loose a baby but now I have to tell everyone over and over again just to find help. I don't want to wait till my fourth pregnancy to even be tested for low hormones or anything else. It should and will be done next pregnancy. We have been trying to have a baby for three years. I have gotten pregnant two out of the three times I have taken Clomid, and had two miscarriages within six months. There has to be something wrong and I want to know. I don't want to keep blaming myself if it is not my fault but I wont know until I can find a doctor that will help me. We are looking into PCSing for medical reasons because I cant get the care I need and there is a infertility specialist but he only come here once every four months (I am on the waiting list) and a phone consultation with him is $375. I will gladly pay that if it will be helpful!! I feel alone (Darin and my friends are great I mean alone because the doctors wont help)! I need and want the doctors to help me and they don't want to do anything. My doctor right now wants to do blood work tomorrow to see where my HCG levels are but wont even do an ultrasound to make sure everything has passed. I was told this morning if I feel light headed or dizzy from loss of blood that I can call them or go to the ER. I love and miss both my babies and I will fight as hard as I have to to not loose another baby! I don't care what anyone thinks, Darin and I will fight for what we want done no matter what other people say. I have every right to be sad and upset right now. I know I will be happy again but I will never be the person I was and if you don't like it then I don't need you in my life. I will never forget or get over my loss, my babies will forever have a place in my heart. From time to time I might have a bad day and all I can ask of my family and friends is let me have my bad day because tomorrow is always better.