Relaxing Day

I don't really have much to write today. It was a pretty simple day. We slept in this morning then went shopping. We got some last minute things for Darin's trip and he got his hair cut. It has been a nice calm day. We are going to lay in bed pretty early tonight. We are going to snuggle and watch some movies. I am so lucky to have such a great husband. I could not picture my life without him. It stinks he has to leave for training but that is part of being in the military. Even with the struggles we have had to face, we have stayed strong and grown even closer as a couple. I love him always and forever. He means the world to me and I would do anything for him. Today was a perfect day. I love having a relaxing day with my hubby.

Morning Drama

It is summer in Minot and that means road work. All well and good when we are notified of the street on the corner being closed. This morning my husband was driving home and drove over tac on our street. There was a truck blocking the driveway. The guys moved it and told my hubby you may not want to pull in. Giving it no real thought after a 16 hour shift he pulled in. Now there is tac in the driveway, on his tires, and in the garage. I call housing and they give me construction maintenance number. I talk to Ted and he is very helpful giving me another number. I call the other number and the guy said "I know I have men out doing some work but I am not sure where they are." So I call housing again they tell me to call housing maintenance. They tell me they wont come clean it I have to call housing. The lady at housing transfers me to an inspector. I tell him what is going on and he said "ok let me make a few calls and figure it out." He calls me back and gives me a number to call to give them my name and number, so I call and give them all the info. The guy calls me back and says "your husband should not have pulled in I am not cleaning it." I told him they moved a truck to let him pull in. So he came to the house and we were standing in the garage talking. He made me wake Darin up to get his side of the story. (that pissed me off even more, after working all night he needs some sleep) Darin stood there in his pajamas as I yelled at the guy. I am sorry but the guy in charge of them said it was their fault, only one side of the road was to be done at a time. I was not going to let him stand there and blame my husband for their mistake. There were no cones up this morning but they did not want people to drive threw it. There were cones up when we were talking and I said it would have been nice to be notified that the road was going to be closed. The guy said "the cones don't mean you cant drive you just have to drive around them." That really confused me, no cones you cant drive but cones mean you can drive. I honestly don't know where they find these people to work for them but maybe some training or a high school diploma should be required. In the end it felt really relaxing to yell at someone and he is in the garage now cleaning. Hopefully the tires and driveway get done to. I left a message for the housing inspector, Andy, to call me back so I can update him. I am so happy he was so helpful because with all the phone calls I was ready to rip my hair out. On a different note Darin needs to register his truck today and I am doing laundry so I can finish packing his bag. He leaves for training this weekend. I am going to miss him but I will be trying to keep myself busy. I recommend everyone yell at someone to feel better lol. Judging from this morning today can only get better.

Oh Sleep Where Are You...

These last few nights have been pretty shitty. I feel like I am dreaming all night and I can not fully sleep. I am so tired right now but I keep thinking about stuff and cant sleep. I am getting pretty sad that Darin is leaving for two weeks. It is only two weeks and we have been apart alot longer and it was fine. After what happened I am not sure I want to be alone. I am trying to be strong but there are still days I just sit here and cry and feel bad for myself. I have never really had tons of good friends but I have always had a best friend (not including my husband) but here I don't have a best friend. Although my hubby is my best friend it would be nice to have someone else. It is so hard to make friends and with the miscarriage I have only seen one person that I talk to up here. I have only gone out with my hubby or shopping alone. When Becky was here I went out with her. I want to get out more but I am afraid Ill fall apart. I am going to a potluck on Sunday and I am excited but nervous at the same time. I want to go and meet new people and have a good time, but then I think what if someone is pregnant or what is I cant be around all the kids. One kid at a time I think is fine but can I handle being around a group of kids? I guess I will never know unless I try and I am sure the woman will understand if I have to leave. I don't want to be the infertile one that no one wants to invite to things or the woman they all feel bad for. I don't want to be the woman who leaves crying. I am sure I am over reacting and the potluck will be great. I don't like crying in front of people. Well that's enough feeling bad. We are in a thunderstorm warning right now. I can already hear the thunder. I love storms so much. Although they are alot better when my hubby is here to snuggle with.

Dreams

I never have dreams that I am pregnant or have a baby. In my dreams pretty much everyone else is pregnant or has a baby. Two days before I found out I was pregnant I had a dream that I had a baby, it made me sad because I thought I would never have a baby (it was a hard month for me) Last night I had a dream that me and few friends were in a public bathroom taking pregnancy test. There were four of us there and three of them were pregnant, I was the only one not pregnant. The miscarriage was five weeks ago and I was thinking like everyone says I may have been more fertile after. So I was hoping I got pregnant without the fertility drugs this time. Now the dream makes me think I am not pregnant. I don't know what to think. Here is a day in my life as an infertile: I wake up and pee, check the toilet paper for blood. I go downstairs and eat pineapple for breakfast, pineapple is something that helps with implantation.(or so I am told.) I drink 100% juice watered down and water all day. I make healthy lunches and dinners so I get all my fruit and veggie servings all day. As I use the bathroom all day I check the toilet paper for blood. Not just period blood but maybe implantation blood not like I can tell a difference. Most of the time if I see blood in any form I just cry wishing my period would not come. I have sex with my husband and lay there for at least twenty minutes sometimes longer. I have to give his perfect sperm time to get into my uterus. During the day I look up things online, pregnancy symptoms, PCOS, miscarriage, things to ask the doctor, etc. Today has been a pretty shitty day so far.(I am going to make it a better day) I could not stop dreaming last night so I didn't sleep good and they are doing something to the sidewalks being really loud and it woke me up.

Just a few thoughts....

My sister went back home yesterday. The ten days she was here went by so fast. It was so nice having her here and spending time with her. It was weird waking up this morning and having no one to talk to and nothing to do. I really wish she could have stayed longer. Darin is leaving for training in about nine days, its going to be a lonely boring time with out him here. I have had some sleeping issues for a while. It takes a long time to fall asleep and then I cant stay asleep. I am waking up at least every two hours or so. I think I cant sleep because I cant stop thinking. I feel like I am always thinking about something, the baby, what needs to be done the next day, doctor appointments, etc. I have pretty much the same things on my mind all the time. The biggest being the baby. I want to be pregnant, I don't know how to be ok about it. I am so sad we lost baby and I want to get pregnant again right away. I know life is not fair and it sucks sometimes but I just want to get my way once. I want to get pregnant right away and have a healthy baby. I cant help but be jealous when someone gets pregnant and does not want to be or smokes or drinks while pregnant. I cant stand listening to people complain about being pregnant or their children all the time. I am always thinking about having a baby, I feel like it is a factor in all my decisions. I wish just one day I could go back in time before we even started trying and just enjoy a stress free worry free thoughtless relaxing day. Ok well lets move on to better news. I am so excited to go to the dentist next week. I know that may sound weird but I have a cavity and it hurts really bad so I want it taken care of. I think that is it for now. I have a few things to do before Darin wakes up then I have to go pick up our pictures.

Am I Crazy?

It has been thirty days since we lost the baby. Nineteen days since we starting trying to get pregnant again. I have taken one ovulation predictor test, one pregnancy test, and have had some pregnancy symptoms.I have checked the toilet paper countless times. I think I have had some cramps but maybe it was just stomach pain. I feel like I am stuck between a baby and a period. It could be either one right now I just have to wait it out. One will be exciting and the other will be depressing. When I found out I was pregnant I was so happy not only about the baby but about not having to worry about trying anymore. (Not that I don't love all the sex) It is hard to try and try and think you are pregnant then get your period. I don't know how to feel anymore. I feel like getting my period will make me hit a new low. I feel like my life is in rewind, we are back to where we were five months ago, just trying and waiting. I thought we were moving forward, we were about seven months away from having a baby now who knows how long it will take. Since the miscarriage it has been even harder to be around people who are pregnant. I know everyone needs to vent a little, but it bothers me so much when someone complains about being pregnant. I wish they would just stop and think about the millions of woman who can not get pregnant. I would give anything to be pregnant and have a baby. Some people just don't know how lucky they are. I deleted alot of my friends off Facebook because I was sick of logging in and seeing status after status of complaining about being pregnant. The whole time I was pregnant I felt like crap but I loved every second of it and I would give anything to be pregnant again. I hate waiting, I want to know if I am pregnant or going to get my period. With PCOS I may not even get my period and have to take pills to get it. Waiting is so frustrating I know I am not the only one who thinks it sucks. I really feel like I am going crazy sometimes: checking the toilet paper, crying when I see pregnant woman, crying when I see a baby on TV, not going to get togethers because kids will be there, etc. OK that is all for now I am done venting.

Our Little Trip Around North Dakota

My husband, my sister, and myself went to the Center of North America the other day(July 17). It was not to long of a drive and everyone had a great time. There was a museum and it was so big. They had different things like: train, old cars, old tractors, school house, general store, and much more. When we were planning the trip I thought we would only be there for about an hour but it was alot bigger then I thought. We walked around for about two hours and probably would have stayed alot longer if we were not so hungry. We went to the Cornerstone Cafe to eat, it was pretty good food and a really good selection. We went to a few other places around North Dakota as well. The Lewis and Clark Museum was pretty fun but we got there a little late so we did not have time to see it all. We also went to the Knife River Indian Museum, that was alot of fun. We then took the scenic route back home, seeing the view was amazing almost the whole drive. It was a long day of driving but totally worth it. We all had a great time and would love to do it again soon. I really wish my sister didn't have to go back home this week.

Four Weeks...

It has been four weeks since we lost the baby. My sister is in town so I have been pretty busy. It really has not been to hard. I still cry and think about it. I am getting pretty upset when friends invite me to things and I say no and they get mad. I am sorry but I don't want to go out with a bunch of people. Some so called friends have said "you should be over it by now" I would love to just be over it but I lost a baby not a tooth. I am sorry but I am dealing with this in my own way and in my own time. If you have a problem with that then we don't need to be friends. I am trying to stay positive and be hopeful but it is still hard. We are trying to get pregnant even though the doctor said to wait. Everyone is different and what worked for you may not work for me and what worked for me may not work for you. I am sick of people saying things to make me feel better because most of them have no clue what to say and only hurt my feelings. I have not said anything because I know they are just trying to help but it is getting to the point where I can not keep my mouth shut. Sorry this blog is short but I want to post one about a place we went to with my sister and I don't have much time.

Fight to bring a life into this world

As I sit here watching TV I cant help but think how different my life is, then how I thought it would be. When I was younger I had a plan. I wanted to be a nurse, get married, go back to school to be a doctor, and have children. I was in college, well on my way to being a nurse I was just waiting for a spot in the nursing program to open up. All my core classes were done so I was going to stop school till I could get in the program. I met my husband Darin in February of 2007 and feel in love. He is the sweetest and most amazing man I have ever met. We got married in December of 2007 and my life changed for the better. I was now a Military Wife and could not have been happier. A spot in the nursing program never opened and we moved. The college here wont take the credits from my last college so I pretty much have to do everything over. Right now I will not be going to school, and that is fine because I am focusing on other things. January of 2008 Darin and I sat down and talked, we decided it was time to start our family. If I knew then how hard it would be for us I would have waited a little longer, try to hold on to the care free me for a little longer. A year went by and I did not get pregnant. After a bunch of doctors visits and tons of test and pills I found out I have PCOS. Darin's swimmers are perfect. The problem is with me. I was happy to find out my husband had perfect sperm but it hurt to find out it was my fault we could not get pregnant. I did research and read all the blogs I could find. I have talked to countless woman and heard millions of story's. At first I was afraid and scared. I wanted a baby not problems. I didn't want to be infertile. After more test and more pills I was use to the idea of fighting to get pregnant. I knew I would go through any test and take every pill and every shot to get pregnant. I was put on Clomid and my dreams came true. April 30th I found out I was pregnant!!! My husband and I had never been so excited. At that time I was 2 weeks pregnant. We told family and friends the good news. Everyone knew we had been trying for so long and everyone was very happy for us. Then at 8 and half weeks pregnant I started spotting. I went to the doctor for blood work and my doctor said I may be having a miscarriage but he wanted me to wait till Monday for more blood work. Monday marked my 9th week pregnant. I never made it to my 3:00pm doctors appointment. On June 21st at 12:30am I had a complete miscarriage. It was so painful not only physically but emotionally. I had tons of support from friends and my husband was so helpful when the doctor put me on bed rest for a few days. I was sent home with pain killers and miscarriage instructions. When I was pregnant I thought when i started feeling labor pains I would go to the hospital and leave with our baby not pills and paper work. It was the hardest day my husband and I have ever had. I could not have done it without my husband. It has now been two weeks and four days since we lost our baby. We are starting to have more good days then bad days. It is still very hard, we have not really gone out much. We feel happier together at home. Maybe we will enjoy going out again as much as we did before but right now we feel better at home. I feel bad that right now I cant give my husband a child. I am still on the pre-natal pills because we are trying to get pregnant, and they are a daily reminder that I am not pregnant. I feel like my life is in rewind, I am not pregnant anymore but an infertile trying to get pregnant again. Before we started trying to get pregnant I was a pretty care free person. My husband and I were happy and had no problem to worry about. I am sad to say I am not that care free person anymore. My struggle has changed who I am. I now look at my life and the world with different eyes. When I was younger I use to look at my future as something new and exciting. Now i look at my future as a fight to bring a life into this world. My husband and I will never give up. We will only become closer and find strength with each other. I am writing this blog to remind woman going through the same thing that you are not alone. Other blogs have helped me so much and I hope this will help someone else. Thanks for reading.

WAIT!?

Don't you feel like you are always waiting? As a child I waited to grow up. In high school I waited to graduate. In college I waited to get into the nursing program. I have waited for birthdays and holidays. As an adult I waited to find the man I loved. I found my soul mate. We waited to decide to have children. January of 2008 we decided to start trying to have a baby. As the months went by we kept waiting. A deployment came up so we waited some more. The doctors appointments started and in September of 2009 I found out I had PCOS. After more test I was put on pills. I waited for the pills to work, they never did. Then we moved so I waited to see yet another doctor. More test and more pills and a seaman sample. Waiting for the results was stress full to say the least. Another doctor and more blood test. I was put on Clomid and April 30th 2010 we found out our dreams have come true. I was pregnant. We then waited for more blood test results. Then we waited for our first doctors appointment. On June 17th 2010 I started spotting. I went in the next day for blood work. The results were in and the phone rang. The doctor said my levels were low and I may be having a miscarriage but he wanted me to wait the weekend and get the levels checked again on Monday. Darin and I waiting four long days before loosing our baby. I had a miscarriage on June 21st. I then waited a week to have more blood work done and then another week for more. My levels are finally back to normal and physically I am able to get pregnant again. The doctor said we should wait at least two periods. With PCOS two periods for me could be two months or six months. The doctor recommended that we use condoms or I go on birth control. I would rather spend money on pregnancy test then condoms. I feel like my whole life I have been waiting for something. I will not waste chances of a baby with a condom. I am done waiting, I will try to get pregnant right away. I will wait the rest of my life for a baby if I have too but I will not wait to try! I don't care what the doctors say! Darin and I will now forever be parents, we may not be able to hold our baby but our baby will be with us forever. We will make great parents to a baby we can hold and see, but even now we are great parents to our angel baby and our future babies. We will fight as hard and as long as it takes to hold a baby in our arms.

Happy 4th of July

To some people 4th of July has lost its meaning. It has become a four day weekend. I think that is sad. 4th of July is independence day. Being an Air Force wife holidays have more meaning to me. I am lucky this time my hubby is off and able to be here with me. With my husbands job holidays are celebrated the week before or the week after and that's fine but I am glad he is off this holiday. I am so proud to say my husband serves this country. He is such a great man. He works really hard and still finds the time to be here for me when i need him the most. He is a tough Air Force guy when he needs to be but is still caring and kind. After what happened he really stepped up, he took care of me and cried with me and sometimes just held me when i cried. Nothing and no one can take away this pain but he has found little ways to make it better.

I am so proud of my SSGT.

I love you SSGT Darin Echerd :)

Thank you to my husband and all the Troops :) Have a good 4th!!!!

Too Much On My Mind

This one may be pretty long I have alot on my mind. First off it has been a little over a week since the miscarriage. Darin had to go back to work and life goes on. It has been really hard. I can not believe how much my heart hurts. I have never felt this bad in my life. Before I cried because I could not get pregnant and now I cry because I lost my baby. I will never get that piece of my heart back, it is gone forever. I really did not think becoming a mother would be so hard. Darin and I are in love and are ready for a baby. Why cant we have one? This has brought us closer together and I love that. My husband means the world to me and I love him with all my heart.


Ok second, Darin got his dates for seven level. They can change at any time but for right now he will be there the first two weeks of August. I don't really know how I feel about him going. It is only two weeks but I am not sure I want to be alone. We have been apart before and it was fine but we have never been apart after a miscarriage. On one hand I am nervous about it but on the other had I think it will be fine and when he gets back it will be like he was never gone. I guess i am just thinking to much into it.


Third, I can not sleep. Maybe because I slept in today or maybe because I cant stop thinking. And what the heck is with the fire works I know it is fourth of July weekend but really fireworks on a Thursday night why not wait till Sunday.


Fourth, My sister will be in town very soon. I am very excited about it and there are tons of things I have planned. We are getting chocolate pedicures and going to the zoo. Hopefully we will make it down to Bear Country and Mall of America.


Ok I think I am almost done writing. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for what I have and I don't take things for granted. I know compared to other people my life is good. Some people have judged me for not being over the loss of my baby yet but honestly I will never get over it. If you have not been in my shoes please don't judge me. You can think I am wrong all you want but I really don't care. I will not be going to events and outings for a while. If that bothers you then I don't need you in my life. If you think I should cry for a week and be happy again then I don't need you in my life. I am happy for woman who have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies but to me it is like a knife in my heart when I see those woman bitch and complain about their pregnancy or their children. I would give anything to be in their shoes. Ok i think I am done writing its making me a little to upset. I will go cry now for a while. Thanks for reading. Sorry, one more thing. I know everything will be ok and everything will work out but right now it does not feel like that. Right now it feels like I have lost everything, I feel helpless and heartbroken. Darin has been amazing I could not imagine doing this with out him.