Thursday, July 1, 2010

Too Much On My Mind

This one may be pretty long I have alot on my mind. First off it has been a little over a week since the miscarriage. Darin had to go back to work and life goes on. It has been really hard. I can not believe how much my heart hurts. I have never felt this bad in my life. Before I cried because I could not get pregnant and now I cry because I lost my baby. I will never get that piece of my heart back, it is gone forever. I really did not think becoming a mother would be so hard. Darin and I are in love and are ready for a baby. Why cant we have one? This has brought us closer together and I love that. My husband means the world to me and I love him with all my heart.

Ok second, Darin got his dates for seven level. They can change at any time but for right now he will be there the first two weeks of August. I don't really know how I feel about him going. It is only two weeks but I am not sure I want to be alone. We have been apart before and it was fine but we have never been apart after a miscarriage. On one hand I am nervous about it but on the other had I think it will be fine and when he gets back it will be like he was never gone. I guess i am just thinking to much into it.

Third, I can not sleep. Maybe because I slept in today or maybe because I cant stop thinking. And what the heck is with the fire works I know it is fourth of July weekend but really fireworks on a Thursday night why not wait till Sunday.

Fourth, My sister will be in town very soon. I am very excited about it and there are tons of things I have planned. We are getting chocolate pedicures and going to the zoo. Hopefully we will make it down to Bear Country and Mall of America.

Ok I think I am almost done writing. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for what I have and I don't take things for granted. I know compared to other people my life is good. Some people have judged me for not being over the loss of my baby yet but honestly I will never get over it. If you have not been in my shoes please don't judge me. You can think I am wrong all you want but I really don't care. I will not be going to events and outings for a while. If that bothers you then I don't need you in my life. If you think I should cry for a week and be happy again then I don't need you in my life. I am happy for woman who have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies but to me it is like a knife in my heart when I see those woman bitch and complain about their pregnancy or their children. I would give anything to be in their shoes. Ok i think I am done writing its making me a little to upset. I will go cry now for a while. Thanks for reading. Sorry, one more thing. I know everything will be ok and everything will work out but right now it does not feel like that. Right now it feels like I have lost everything, I feel helpless and heartbroken. Darin has been amazing I could not imagine doing this with out him.

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