Friday, July 9, 2010

Fight to bring a life into this world

As I sit here watching TV I cant help but think how different my life is, then how I thought it would be. When I was younger I had a plan. I wanted to be a nurse, get married, go back to school to be a doctor, and have children. I was in college, well on my way to being a nurse I was just waiting for a spot in the nursing program to open up. All my core classes were done so I was going to stop school till I could get in the program. I met my husband Darin in February of 2007 and feel in love. He is the sweetest and most amazing man I have ever met. We got married in December of 2007 and my life changed for the better. I was now a Military Wife and could not have been happier. A spot in the nursing program never opened and we moved. The college here wont take the credits from my last college so I pretty much have to do everything over. Right now I will not be going to school, and that is fine because I am focusing on other things. January of 2008 Darin and I sat down and talked, we decided it was time to start our family. If I knew then how hard it would be for us I would have waited a little longer, try to hold on to the care free me for a little longer. A year went by and I did not get pregnant. After a bunch of doctors visits and tons of test and pills I found out I have PCOS. Darin's swimmers are perfect. The problem is with me. I was happy to find out my husband had perfect sperm but it hurt to find out it was my fault we could not get pregnant. I did research and read all the blogs I could find. I have talked to countless woman and heard millions of story's. At first I was afraid and scared. I wanted a baby not problems. I didn't want to be infertile. After more test and more pills I was use to the idea of fighting to get pregnant. I knew I would go through any test and take every pill and every shot to get pregnant. I was put on Clomid and my dreams came true. April 30th I found out I was pregnant!!! My husband and I had never been so excited. At that time I was 2 weeks pregnant. We told family and friends the good news. Everyone knew we had been trying for so long and everyone was very happy for us. Then at 8 and half weeks pregnant I started spotting. I went to the doctor for blood work and my doctor said I may be having a miscarriage but he wanted me to wait till Monday for more blood work. Monday marked my 9th week pregnant. I never made it to my 3:00pm doctors appointment. On June 21st at 12:30am I had a complete miscarriage. It was so painful not only physically but emotionally. I had tons of support from friends and my husband was so helpful when the doctor put me on bed rest for a few days. I was sent home with pain killers and miscarriage instructions. When I was pregnant I thought when i started feeling labor pains I would go to the hospital and leave with our baby not pills and paper work. It was the hardest day my husband and I have ever had. I could not have done it without my husband. It has now been two weeks and four days since we lost our baby. We are starting to have more good days then bad days. It is still very hard, we have not really gone out much. We feel happier together at home. Maybe we will enjoy going out again as much as we did before but right now we feel better at home. I feel bad that right now I cant give my husband a child. I am still on the pre-natal pills because we are trying to get pregnant, and they are a daily reminder that I am not pregnant. I feel like my life is in rewind, I am not pregnant anymore but an infertile trying to get pregnant again. Before we started trying to get pregnant I was a pretty care free person. My husband and I were happy and had no problem to worry about. I am sad to say I am not that care free person anymore. My struggle has changed who I am. I now look at my life and the world with different eyes. When I was younger I use to look at my future as something new and exciting. Now i look at my future as a fight to bring a life into this world. My husband and I will never give up. We will only become closer and find strength with each other. I am writing this blog to remind woman going through the same thing that you are not alone. Other blogs have helped me so much and I hope this will help someone else. Thanks for reading.

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