Three Months Later

It has been three months today since we lost the baby. Right now we are waiting to see if the Clomid worked this month. When I got my period this month I did not cry or feel sad. It was a new start, I got to start the Clomid and try for baby number two. I have read my old blogs from the first and second month and I have to say I am in a way better place now. Yes I am still sad and some things still piss me off but it is easier now then I ever thought it would be. I still think about the baby and I think about what it would be like now if I was still pregnant. I am so excited for Halloween but I think if I didn't loose the baby I would be six almost seven months pregnant. Then again maybe the Clomid worked and I will be pregnant for Halloween. I am torn between sadness and happiness each day. I am sad for a few reasons; the baby, not getting pregnant again, the Clomid makes my hormones crazy, the "advice" I get, Darin is working alot, being away from family, etc. I think the things I have to be happy about are out weighing the sad things more and more. Things I have to be happy about; Shadow and Spooky, Darin is not deployed, family is only a phone call away, the weather is great (I like the cold), our friend is moving up here soon, I am making Halloween cupcakes with Brittany tomorrow, etc. When we got home from the hospital on June 21st I truly didn't think I would ever be happy again until I had a healthy baby, but I find myself alot happier then that day. I am glad I can now go out and not get as jealous when I see someone who is pregnant. I hope one day I wont be jealous at all but I think that will happen after I have a baby. It is still hard sometimes and every night before I go to sleep I think of how my life would be now if I didn't loose the baby. I still cry and right now I still believe I will always cry and have a spot in my heart for that baby. I will forever be a mother to a baby I hold in my heart and I hope I can be a mother to a baby I hold in my arms soon. I will fight forever if I have to and I will never give up. It’s going to be okay in the end. If it’s not okay. It’s not the end.