Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Three Months Later

It has been three months today since we lost the baby. Right now we are waiting to see if the Clomid worked this month. When I got my period this month I did not cry or feel sad. It was a new start, I got to start the Clomid and try for baby number two. I have read my old blogs from the first and second month and I have to say I am in a way better place now. Yes I am still sad and some things still piss me off but it is easier now then I ever thought it would be. I still think about the baby and I think about what it would be like now if I was still pregnant. I am so excited for Halloween but I think if I didn't loose the baby I would be six almost seven months pregnant. Then again maybe the Clomid worked and I will be pregnant for Halloween. I am torn between sadness and happiness each day. I am sad for a few reasons; the baby, not getting pregnant again, the Clomid makes my hormones crazy, the "advice" I get, Darin is working alot, being away from family, etc. I think the things I have to be happy about are out weighing the sad things more and more. Things I have to be happy about; Shadow and Spooky, Darin is not deployed, family is only a phone call away, the weather is great (I like the cold), our friend is moving up here soon, I am making Halloween cupcakes with Brittany tomorrow, etc. When we got home from the hospital on June 21st I truly didn't think I would ever be happy again until I had a healthy baby, but I find myself alot happier then that day. I am glad I can now go out and not get as jealous when I see someone who is pregnant. I hope one day I wont be jealous at all but I think that will happen after I have a baby. It is still hard sometimes and every night before I go to sleep I think of how my life would be now if I didn't loose the baby. I still cry and right now I still believe I will always cry and have a spot in my heart for that baby. I will forever be a mother to a baby I hold in my heart and I hope I can be a mother to a baby I hold in my arms soon. I will fight forever if I have to and I will never give up. It’s going to be okay in the end. If it’s not okay. It’s not the end.

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