Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small

Sunday night Darin and I were watching the Simpson's. In the episode Marge and Lisa were on the couch, watching movies, eating ice cream, and painting each others toe nails. I could not help but cry. It made me so sad thinking that I cant have moments like that with my sister or my cousin anymore and I may never have a daughter to bond with. I know to some it may seem silly that a scene from a cartoon made me cry but it was not so much the show it was the thoughts that came to me as I watched. I want my husband to have a son he can play sports with and go fishing with. I feel bad that it may never happen. The infertility is my fault and no matter what I know Darin will stay with me but I feel bad that I cant give him what we both want. I think as the time passes I am thinking more and more about life with out children. I can not say I would be 100% happy but I do think I would have a great life with Darin. If we have kids or if we don't have kids Darin and I will still be married! I was listening to Rascal Flatts "I Won't Let go" and I think everyone deserves a man that would do the things from that song. I am so lucky to have Darin, when I am having a bad day he makes me smile and he holds me when I cry with out complaining or pulling away. I love him so much!
My favorite lyrics from the song ~
"I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight"
"And I wont let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it"

I missed my sisters wedding....

My sister got married yesterday and I am so sad I was not there! It is part of military life I guess. This is not the first thing I have missed and I am sure it will not be the last. I have given up alot to be a military wife and follow my husband where ever he goes. Don't get me wrong I am not complaining at all! I love my husband so much and I would do anything to be with him. Times like this just make me extra sad. I want to be there with my family on holidays and weddings. My husband can not get leave often and it is impossible to be at every holiday or big event for both our families. It sucks sometimes but if my husband is willing to give his life for this country then I can miss things. In the end being there is not all that matters. I would have loved to watch my sister get married but she knows I will always be her best friend! No matter what I am only a phone call away and I may not be able to hug her when she needs me too but I am still here! You will never know what it is like to be a military wife unless you are one. It is not the easiest thing in the world but my husband is so important to me I make it work. I would love if we could just go on vacation when ever we wants and visit family but it is just not like that. I wish everyone could understand that before they blame people for not being there often. I am so happy for my sister and brother-in-law! Here is a picture of them on their special day!

Debt Free!!!

We were never really in debt but we have had a loan on Darin's truck. We were making payments on it every month and it was all good. We have about a year and a half left on the loan but we will be writing a check to pay it off tomorrow!!! I am so crazy excited and I know Darin is excited too! Other then the truck we have no debt and after hearing stories from other people I am so very glad we are debt free. I understand if you have to go into debt because of medical bills or something important but I have talked to other military wives that are in debt over expensive cars, big screen TVs, jewelry, etc. I never look down on anyone or judge but I hate when people complain about debt but they are the ones who chose to go into debt! If you have tons of credit card debt then I don't think you need a new video game or a new purse. I was taught from a young age that if you don't have the cash for it then don't buy it. Darin and I live like that so we will never have debt. We are very lucky to live the life we do!! It will be very nice to own the truck and not owe anyone money for it! This is such a great weekend!!!

Sick of taking pills....

I need to go in and talk to my doctor about the Zoloft. I have been on it for a little while now and it makes me feel completely out of it. Monday night I was making hard boiled eggs and I forgot they were on the stove for like two hours! It really sucks and is kind of scary. I take the pill and sometimes I am fine and other times I just space out or feel out of it. I have to say that out of all the pills I take Zoloft is not even the worst. I would have to say that the Metformin is the worst. It pretty much does nothing but make me sick! I am so sick of taking pills that make me sick or make me feel weird.

Sex and the City Saturday!!!

I am not really sure how I want to start this blog. I am so lucky to have the husband I do. He is so nice to me and he treats me so well. I feel bad for friends when they say their husband/boyfriend is mean or just doesn't pay attention to them. Sure my husband and I argue sometimes but it is usually over something dumb and we are over it in a few minutes. Some friends I talk to have fights or arguments that go on for hours or days. Sometimes when I complain about infertility or loosing the babies people get mad and say I should be grateful for what I do have. Then other times I will say how much I love my husband or how great he is and people tell me not to brag. I have come to the conclusion that I will say and write whatever I feel like because I will never be able to make everyone happy. Some people just need to learn to not read what I write if they don't like it. Maybe some people are reading what I write wrong. I know sometimes I have written a blog that should have been happy and funny and gotten an email asking me to not be so negative. It is hard to get someones emotion from text so anything could be read wrong.

Saturday we are going to watch both Sex and the City movies and eat homemade Chinese food! I am so super excited because Sex and the City is my favorite show and I don't watch it as much as I use to. When we lived at Nellis we didn't have cable and I use to re watch the Sex and the City seasons over and over. I have always wanted close friends like that. The show makes me want to move to New York and wear super cute clothes. I really wish Darin liked the show, when we first started dating I talked him into watching a few seasons. We were in his dorm room, drinking, and hanging out on his twin size bed. We got to season three between Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. After that weekend he didn't want to watch it any more. Since then we have watched it together off and on but I wish he would spend the time to watch all the seasons with me.

I guess there is not to much else going on. Well there is but some stuff I cant post on here, at least not yet. I guess I need to think of a good way of saying it with out the person I talk about know I am talking about them. My back is killing me from all the shoveling so I am sitting with the heating blanket on it. I sprained my back about a month ago and I never really let it heal so now I am paying for it!

Family

When you live close to family it is easy to not go see them because you know you can always go tomorrow. I never would have thought the Military would take me so far away from my family. I wish I could drive to my moms house and hang out or go to my grandmothers house for lunch. I miss getting home late at night to find my grandfather pulling in right behind me because he was out late too. I miss being there for everything. My sister is getting married next week and I wont be there. It makes me very sad because I guess I could go. It is a little expensive but we could swing it. I am torn because I want my husband to be there too. When I was younger I hated when we had to go to holidays and do a big family dinner and now I would give anything to be close enough to go. I don't want to miss my sisters wedding! I look back on all the times that I put off spending time with my family and now I wish I could back and spend tons of time with them. Maybe I will have to take a trip to Vegas in a few months to visit. I feel bad because Darin can not always get time off to go visit family. We are lucky he can go in May but it would be nice if he could take more leave so we can see everyone. The holidays that Darin is not working are not to hard because we start our own traditions but when he is working I sit here alone thinking about what my family is doing. Sometimes I feel like I have given up alot to be a military wife but it is all worth it. If my husband can put his life in danger to fight for this country then I can miss important things. I would not trade my life for anything but it would be nice if both of our families could be in one place all together so we can spend time with them.

9 Months...

This past month has gone by so fast! I have been so busy and seems like just yesterday was 8 months since we lost our first baby. My baby would be almost 3 months old right now. It is weird to think that it has been the length of a pregnancy since we lost the baby. Before I use to think about where I would be in the pregnancy and now through out the day I find my self thinking about what the baby would look like and what he would be doing at that moment. I am going on birth control this month so that hopefully it will help make trying better. I still have questions that will never be answered and I still blame myself. What if I had done something different? I miss being pregnant and most of all I miss my baby! Our lives would be so different right now. We would be busy with a baby not busy with more test!

Good News Day

Today has been a great day! We went to the Spa this morning, then Darin passed his PT test! We came home and got more ice off the sidewalks and got a letter in the mail telling me that my Chromosome blood work came back normal. Darin has to go to work for a little bit then has the night off and we are going to the movies! Today has been full of good news! Now Darin needs to work his ass off and get back into great shape so he is never this close to getting kicked out of the military ever again! It is going to be hard but I will help him the best I can and for now on I will only cook healthy food and we will not go out to eat anymore. I love my husband!!! I am so proud of all the great work he did this week to pass the PT test!!

friends come and go

Today is Spooky's 3rd birthday!!! It is in the 30's in Minot today and I have the windows open. Darin is at class and we booked his ticket to NC yesterday. He is really excited to go. I am so glad we have the money and as of right now he still has the leave. I am a little nervous about him spending money while there but we have already talked about it and I think it might be ok.


I would like to talk about friends for a bit. I have made friends and lost friends over the past year. When I was younger friends were so important, but I have found that as I have grown up having friends is not worth the drama most of the time. It is always nice to have a friend that you can talk to and hang out with but at the end of the day my husband and family mean the most to me. Some friends are mean and talk about you behind your back and some friends are only friends with you when they need something. Some friends only want to hang out when they are having a problem and need advice but when you need something they are no where to be found. I just feel that at this point in my life I need friends that are not going to be tons of drama. I don't care if someone doesn't like me and wants to tell me they don't like me but why talk crap behind my back. Just say what you have to say to me and be done with it.


Ok onto something else! The doctor on base is annoying me today, they say one thing then two weeks later say something completely different and just waste my time. Darin is doing so good dropping inches for his PT test on Friday! I really hope he passes the test!

Money

With all the talk right now about the government shutting down and the military not getting paid on time I can not help but feel very lucky! No matter what we have money. Darin can go a few months with out a paycheck and we will still have money for all our bills and then some. My goal is to have the truck paid off by April 15th but I am pretty sure we can have it paid off by April 1st! It will be nice to own the truck a whole year and a half early. We could have owned it even sooner but back in the day I didn't think to pay extra on it. I am so glad we are debt free and never have to worry about where our next meal is coming from. We will be getting Darin's ticket to NC sometime this week as well (I just hope they don't take his leave away!) We are so lucky to have the things we do and I owe it all to my family! I have been taught from a young age that if I don't have cash for something then I don't need to buy it and it is because of that we are not in debt! I feel bad for the people freaking out about missing a paycheck but if more people put money into savings rather then buying a new tv or computer they would not have to worry. I love my husband so much and our lives may not be easy but we are very lucky to have each other.

UPDATE...

Sorry it has been a while. The stupid computer broke and I was 90% sure I lost all my pictures and documents. Thank goodness there is a guy on base that fixed it for me and got everything back and it only cost $95!!! Way way cheaper then Best Buy. I have my third appointment with the counselor tomorrow and I have now been on Zoloft for about a week. It is all helping alot. I feel more relaxed and the little things don't bother me so much. Darin has his PT test on Friday and if he does not pass it he can not reenlist. I'm sure he will do great and pass it but it is a little scary. He is not sure if he wants to reenlist but he doesn't want the Air Force to tell him he cant. He is not in the best shape because after we lost the babies it became more important to be together then to work out. I was selfish and needing him home with me. He is working his ass off to get back in shape and he is doing really good! We are going to the Spa Friday morning and he is going to have a body wrap then we will head back to the base. No matter what happens it will all work out. We will stay together and have a great life! No matter where we end up in life I know it will be great as long as we are together!

Lions, Tigers, and Doctors oh my!

I have been to three different doctors this week! I left the first one hardly able to move, I was so upset and crying. The second one was better, turns out I have a back strain so I just need to put heat on it. Then he gave me Zoloft because of my anxiety. Today I went to see my counselor, when I fist started seeing her I thought it would just be a waste of time but it is very helpful! She taught me some new things to do when I am having a panic attack or stressing to much. After the doctor on Monday I was so upset that I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes. I smoked one and it just made me sick, I had another one today and it did the same thing. I am not going to start smoking again.

After Darin woke up on Monday I told him about the doctor he was mad he was not there with me. We talked about all the things we can do and I think we have figured out what we want to do (as of now) I was crying and kept telling Darin I was sorry. I feel bad that he has to deal with all this crap that is not his fault. He told me something so amazing that night, I am crying now just thinking about it. He said no matter what he loves me and would not trade me for anything. I am so lucky to have a great husband. I'm sure I annoy him sometimes but he is always there for me. When I was laying in bed crying he was laying right next to me holding me. I would not be who I am today with out my husband and he is the perfect guy for me! No matter what happens or where we end up in life I will always have Darin! As long as we are together nothing else will matter!

Well we did it! We got the Kinect and we love it! We are going to look into some games and go get more this weekend! It is so much fun to do and some of the games are a good workout but super fun. Spooky is going to be three years old soon!

I blame myself alot for things that I cant even control. I know not everything is my fault but sometimes I feel like it is. I am trying not to be so hard on myself. There is alot of positive in my life but sometimes I feel like I get sucked into all the negative. I will never be the care free person I use to be I just hope I can calm down a bit.

ABC's of me

I got this from another blog!!

A. Age ~ 23
B. Bed Size ~ queen
C. Chore you hate ~ cleaning the bath tub
D. Dogs ~ i can live with out them
E. Essential start to your day ~ checking my cell phone
F. Favorite color ~ pink
G. Gold or Silver ~ Silver
H. Height ~ 5'3
I. Instruments you play ~ none
J. Job Title ~ housewife
K. Kids ~ 2 angel babies
L. Live ~ Minot AFB
M. Mom's Name ~ Debbie
N. Nicknames ~ Bri
O. Overnight hospital stays ~ none
P. Pet peeve ~ people who are in debt for stupid reasons
Q. Quote from a movie ~ i dont have one
R. Righty or Lefty ~ Righty
S. Siblings ~ one sister
T. Time you wake up ~ whenever i wake up
U. Underwear ~ tan thong
V. Vegetables you dislike ~ i cant think of any
W. What makes you run late ~ nothing i am never late!
X. X-rays you’ve had ~ back, leg, shoulder, toe, and wrist. i think thats it
Y. Yummy food you make ~ all the food i make is yummy
Z. Zoo Animal Favorite ~ Zebra