when someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure

So this is the week. I would be five months pregnant this week if I didn't loose the baby. It is times like this that make it hard. I feel sick, a lot like I did when I was pregnant, so it is making it harder. I should be excited about an upcoming doctors appointment to do an ultrasound and find out the gender. Instead I am sitting here crying thinking about what could have been. I am not looking forward to my due date. I am sure that day will be even harder then anything now. I am going to the doctor on Wednesday, I am sure she will tell me I have to wait to see if my period is late before they do a pregnancy test. I hate waiting! I guess that is it, if I write anymore I will cry all night.


My little one
You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget


this picture is of me and Darin at the ER when we lost the baby.

Let Them Eat Cake

The weekend was tons of fun. We went out on Saturday night and made some new friends and went to a couple different places. It was my first time going to a bar without smoking and it was so easy not to smoke. It was weird on the way home I could still smell the smoke and it bothered me. The smell of smoke never bothered me when I was smoking. Sunday was a lazy day and Darin got his hair cut. It is raining right now and me, Shadow, and Spooky are just hanging out watching TV. I have felt pretty sick since Wednesday and it does not seem to be getting better. I have a doctors appointment soon so I should find out what is going on. There is not to much going on here. I guess that's all I have to write. Oh I almost forgot! I ordered Darin's birthday cake! (I know it is early) It is going to be a brownie cake with peanut butter butter cream inside, whip cream frosting and fondant bats, pumpkins, black cats, (Halloween theme.) I am so excited about it!

Weekend

Today has been a great day. I have to go to the post office to mail my mom Darin's DVD player so she can bring it back to walmart. I am so excited they have agreed to replace it! It took tons of phone calls but it was worth it. Now we are working on Tricare. They love to take their time when sending important paperwork to doctors. I guess we will just have to wait on them and that is fine. I just hope it does not take to long. Darin is off this weekend! We don't really have any big plans but it should be a fun weekend. Last night I was laying in bed watching TV and Spooky was sleeping next to me. He kept moving and rolling around and snoring, it was so cute! Darin and I went to see The Expendables like a week or two ago and it was really good. I really thought it was going to suck but I liked it and Darin liked it too. Right now Shadow is at the front window trying to catch the bugs flying by. You would think he would figure out by now that he can't catch them. I think tonight Darin and I will have a movie night. Maybe pop some popcorn and snuggle on the couch. I need to run to the food store. I forgot to get sour cream for fajitas. Thanks for reading :)

What isn't today might be tomorrow

I think I really am loosing my mind! I was cleaning the bathroom and felt fine, when I was done I felt sick. The week before I found out I was pregnant I felt like this. I feel like I am going to throw up and I am dizzy and tired. It is not likely that I am pregnant but I did have a dream I was. I really want to switch minds with someone for one day so my thoughts go away and I can relax for a little bit. You all probably think I am crazy! On a side note I am watching COPS and this ladies husband beat her for not having dinner ready. If Darin even tried to beat me for not making dinner I would never make him dinner again. Darin would never beat me for any reason so please don't freak out when you read this. Ok back to the subject. I really do hope I am pregnant! I am going to lay down and hope I feel better soon. Unless I am pregnant then I don't mind feeling like shit.

Negative Day

So because I am crazy and like to pee in a cup, I took an ovulation predictor test and a pregnancy test. Maybe I did not study hard enough, maybe I don't want it bad enough, maybe I did not pee in the cup right, or maybe the test are wrong. Long story short I failed the test, they were both negative. I pretty much knew it was going to be negative but I still sat on the bathroom floor and cried for a while. I feel overwhelmed today and I am not sure why. I want to jump into the future and be done with today! I know everything will be ok because I will make it ok! Smoking used to always make me feel better (I know smoking is bad) it used to calm me down and today is a day I want to smoke again. I am not going to because of the future baby that will be in my uterus but I want to. I want to feel calm and relaxed! The doctor said I should not drink and I am not going to but it would be nice! Please stop telling me I should get drunk and not think about the baby and have sex and I will get pregnant! If I don't ovulate I will not get pregnant, no matter how drunk I get. Last time I checked drinking does not induce ovulation. I guess this day is not as bad as it seems, I am not completely falling apart. I read some quotes that made me laugh and feel a little better. Writing about it right now is making me feel better too! When I have days like this I try to remind myself of how lucky I really am. I need to focus on the positive and let the negative go. It is alot easier said than done! I really am trying to be positive! I am not trying to complain I am just trying to get my thoughts out of my head. I am sorry if it bothers you but I will not watch what I write. If you don't like it then talk to me about it!

Let Your Hopes, Not Your Hurts, Shape Your Future

It has been a few days since my last blog. Not much is going on. Darin and I went to Bismarck the other day and did some shopping. We got a few Christmas gifts (I know its early) I like to be ready! I am really happy Darin is back home, it is great having him here! We have tons of stuff to do Monday so I hope the weekend goes by fast. We got some winter clothes the other day and I think I can say we have enough but I am sure I will buy more before the snow hits. We will begin to stock up for the winter soon just in case we loose power, get snowed in, etc. I like to be over prepared so I am ready for anything. After months we finally got a rug for the living room, Shadow and Spooky love it. I had two cavities filled a few days ago and my mouth still hurts. I never want to get cavities again! We are selling tons of stuff, books, entertainment center, desk, kitchen stuff, etc, to try and make some room for new stuff. I think I got you all up to date. See I said not much has happened.

Time to talk about the baby. It has been almost two months since we lost the baby. I have had alot of good days but sometimes it really gets to me and I just have to cry. When I get my period next month we will go back on the Clomid and try again. I wish it was easy for me to get pregnant. I wish I didn't loose the baby. I wish I didn't know pregnant people who take advantage of it and complain all the time and do things to endanger their children. I wish I could walk through a store and not be bothered by someone who is pregnant. I wish I could read things on facebook and not want to punch people. I wish alot of things but most of all I just wish I will get pregnant again soon and have a healthy baby. I really don't know how Darin puts up with me. I cry alot, I hate going out, I am a bitch sometimes, and I cant give him a child. He is truly the best husband I could ever have! I love him so much.

That's all for now! Have a great weekend!

Happy he is home

Darin is back home and life is slowly returning to normal. Well at least as normal as it can be. We went shopping yesterday and got a fabreeze plug in thing for the cats room, it is on low and is still making the whole upstairs smell really good. I am glad Shadow and Spooky have left it alone, I was nervous they would play with it and i would have to remove it. Before Darin came home I thought I was having trouble sleeping because he was away but now that he is home I am still unable to sleep. I am going to the dentist tomorrow to have my first cavities filled so maybe I am just nervous about that. Darin keeps telling me it wont hurt but I am a little scared. I am sure I will leave there tomorrow and think "that was nothing" but who knows. Darin loves going to the movies and I hate it! Don't get me wrong I love watching movies but I like doing it at home, I hate having to sit there in the uncomfortable chairs for two hours. I told Darin we could go to the movies today and I am pretty excited about it mainly because I want popcorn! I am sure it will be fun and the movie should be good. Darin always picks movies that I don't think I will like then we go and I end up liking the movie more then he did. Oh I almost forgot, we had the new mini blizzard from dq. I love the size but it was still to much for me. I don't really like ice cream, crazy I know. Sorry this blog is kind of all over the place but I am very tired and only got four hours of sleep last night.


Darin rented a car in Texas and the company told him he had to get the insurance. He was told it was mandatory to rent the car so he signed the paper. I talked to the companies customer service and they said it is not mandatory. When Darin turned the car in he told them he did not want the insurance and they said it was too late. I was pissed so I called customer service again, they told me to call the store and if they don't help me to call the regional manager. So I talked to the store and they were rude and said they wont do anything they gave me the number to the group manager who I called a few times and left messages but never heard back from. Then this morning I call the store again to get another number. I talked to the regional manager and she said the money was refunded on Friday. Why would the store tell me no then go ahead and do it? I am glad it is taken care of but how stupid was it to fight with me on the phone and insist nothing can be done then do what I want anyways. I love getting my way! I think it is bull shit they tried to take advantage of us like that. I am sick of people being rude. When I worked and even now when I am on the phone with someone I am nothing but nice. I don't see how rude people get jobs, so many people are looking for work, companies should hire nice people. Being a military wife between deployments, moves, and just day to day life I have to make alot of phone calls. Changing our address with everyone was alot easier then I thought it would be but at the same time people are slow. For example we moved from Las Vegas NV to Glenburn ND so I changed our address with all the companies. Then three months later we moved on base so I called again. One lady said "you just moved not to long ago" I said "I know, my husband is in the military and we are moving on base" she then said "why would you move then move again all in a matter on months?" I repeated what I said. She said "I still don't understand let me transfer you to someone who can help." Really lady? All I wanted to do was change our address I was not aware we could only change our address once. Not to talk crap but when we got to ND it was so much worse. It got to the point I had to immediately talk to a supervisor when I called places because people were rude or did not understand. I am sorry if I have a question that I need answered. It is fine that you don't know what the answer is but how about you do your job and find out or get someone who knows!


Ok well that is enough venting! Shadow and Spooky are running around the house and Darin is on his way home. We should be heading to the movies sometime today, not sure what we are going to see yet. Oh crap I forgot we have to go to the post office to mail boxes to his mom and sister. I hope i remember when it comes time to leave. I better put a reminder in my phone! Thanks for reading!

Just a few pictures

The Longer The Wait The Sweeter The Kiss

After two long weeks my husband will be home tomorrow afternoon! I have always been one of those wives that counted down the days till deployments and long trainings were over. It came to a surprise to me how long these two weeks felt. Two weeks is not a long time and my husband and I have been apart way longer before. I really use to be such a different person. I use to be such a care free person, even after I got married. Deployments came and went and I became more grounded and mature. After every time my husband and I were apart we grew closer when he got home. Finding out it was going to be hard for us to get pregnant made me a more emotional person. Don't get me wrong I have always cried about things. After more test and pills I got more and more emotional. Then the Clomid came; since going on the Clomid I cry about little things, sad things, stress full things, well pretty much everything. When I was pregnant I cried often but mainly happy tears. I was so overjoyed! After the miscarriage I have noticed how extremely different I really am. I am still an emotional wreck. I cry often and not always for any reason. I look at the world differently now and maybe that is not a bad thing. I think of how short life is and how important every moment together really is. I feel excited that my husband is coming home but I have been thinking of the baby. I want to stay strong but days like this I just feel broken. It really is not even the whole day just the past hour and I am sure I will be fine soon enough. Ok on to a happier note. Darin will be on a plane headed for Minot by 6:00am! I can't wait to see him and even more I cant wait to kiss him. I miss snuggling with him! I love my husband so much!!!

As The Days Go By....

The closer it is getting to Darin coming back I am getting more and more excited! It is such a short time he is away but I can't wait for him to come home. His job takes him away pretty often for work, he works long hours and doesn't get alot of sleep. He could deploy at any time and have to be away for months at a time. He is now able to reenlist at any time. We are looking into what base of preference we want and once we decide my husband will sign his life over for at least another four years. The Air Force pretty much tells him what to do and where to go but he loves his job and loves serving his country. I may bitch or complain sometimes because it would be nice to have him home more often but I am so proud of him for what he does. I love my SSGT and would not change a thing! When we get or BOP we should only be at Minot for another year or two. I am torn, I want to move but want to stay. It would be easier to just stay and not have to deal with moving. Even with all the stress of moving it is a new adventure for us. I will move anywhere with my hubby and go anywhere the Air Force tells us to. Please don't get me wrong; I love the Air Force and I support the troops. Yes I complain but everyone needs to complain sometimes and if you don't like it then don't read my blog! I love my husband!!!! Sorry if you are having issues in your marriage and are jealous of me but that is your problem not mine! On another subject: dinner with the ladies was tons of fun. The food and service was not to great but the ladies were awesome!

Two hours later not such a great day anymore

Stupid me! I was having a good day then I go and make myself all upset. I need to stop reading about infertility and miscarriages! Alot of the information is helpful and that is great but then I go on to read different stories. Some woman have great success stories and others have had fifteen miscarriages and are on their 10th year of trying to have a baby. I have talked to woman who are giving up and stopping their infertility journey (after twenty five years). I never want to get to that point. Right now I say and feel I will fight forever to be able to hold my baby but will I hit a point in my life where I just cant try anymore! I want to end my infertility journey with a baby not with defeat. I really don't know why I do this to myself. I need to stay positive and stop thinking of the negative. On another note I read a Marine wife's blog, her husband died while fighting the war and her blog was so sad. My heart goes out to all the fallen troops! I could not even imagine loosing my husband. The woman who go through such heart ache are so strong! Reading stories like that really make me appreciate the time I have with my husband so much more. With him being in the military I am truly lucky when he is home or even state side for that matter. He is at training now but will be home in a few days! Well I need to get ready, hopefully my day will get better!

HAPPY DAY!

Well Darin will be home in about five days. Before he left I really thought it would be very hard to be alone after what happened. Honestly it has not been to hard. I have had a couple bad days but for the most part it has been good. The ladies have kept me busy and it has been so helpful! I have not made tons of friends here but the ones I have made are great! Shadow and Spooky have been making it hard to get comfy in bed. They think because Darin is away they can try and take up the whole bed. I really think they are trying to get me to sleep in the spare room! I get comfy around them then I wake up and Shadow is laying on my legs and Spooky is right next to my head. They are so freaking cute, they do bother me sometimes and get into stuff I wish they didn't but overall they are awesome! I need to head to Fort Mandan one day this week to get Becky and myself more wish bracelets. I still have some cleaning to do before Darin comes home. I have been doing a little each day but I want to finish by Thursday! So far today has been a good day! I am going to dinner tonight with the ladies and I am sure it will be tons of fun. Ok well that is all for now.

Bored...

It is day five with out Darin. It has gone by pretty fast so far. Hopefully it keeps going fast. The potluck on the first was tons of fun, I am so glad I went. This may be to much information but I got my period for the first time since the miscarriage. It is good and bad, good because my body is cleaning itself out bad because it hurts like hell. The PCOS makes my time of the month very pain full and it sucks. Enough about that and on to a better note. I have been watching Pit Boss for a few hours. At first I really did not like it but now I don't think it is to bad. I guess I don't really have to much to write today. Not much has happened, life is pretty boring with Darin out of town. I have pretty bad cramps so I am going to lay down. If I can think of anything important to write I'll write again later.

Life isn’t about trying to weather the storm, it’s about learning to dance in the rain

Well today was my miscarriage follow up appointment. At first I was excited to go I had tons of questions and wanted answers. As the time to leave grew closer, I started have a mini freak out. I started to realize this appointment was the last stage in the pregnancy I lost. I know I lost the baby but this appointment made it that much more real and final. I cried on the way there and in the parking lot, then in the waiting room and the office. The doctor was very helpful he explained everything and answered all my questions. Some days I just fall apart, other days are not bad. I need to spend my time in the present. I feel like I am wasting time in the past and looking at the future. I think about the baby we lost and being pregnant and what I could have done differently. Then I think well eventually we will get pregnant again and have a baby so I am doing my best to prepare my body for the next pregnancy. I just need a day when I can sit here and not think about the past and not think of what I need to do for the future baby. Please don't get me wrong, I know the miscarriage was not my fault and I could not have done anything to prevent it. I sometimes think what if but I don't want anyone to worry I am not blaming myself. Looking back to when Darin and I first got married I didn't think we would be where we are today. Struggling with infertility, dealing with a miscarriage, closer then before, and more in love then I would have ever thought possible. I am truly a very lucky person, when I have bad days I try my hardest to remind my self of that. I love my husband so much.