Negative Day

So because I am crazy and like to pee in a cup, I took an ovulation predictor test and a pregnancy test. Maybe I did not study hard enough, maybe I don't want it bad enough, maybe I did not pee in the cup right, or maybe the test are wrong. Long story short I failed the test, they were both negative. I pretty much knew it was going to be negative but I still sat on the bathroom floor and cried for a while. I feel overwhelmed today and I am not sure why. I want to jump into the future and be done with today! I know everything will be ok because I will make it ok! Smoking used to always make me feel better (I know smoking is bad) it used to calm me down and today is a day I want to smoke again. I am not going to because of the future baby that will be in my uterus but I want to. I want to feel calm and relaxed! The doctor said I should not drink and I am not going to but it would be nice! Please stop telling me I should get drunk and not think about the baby and have sex and I will get pregnant! If I don't ovulate I will not get pregnant, no matter how drunk I get. Last time I checked drinking does not induce ovulation. I guess this day is not as bad as it seems, I am not completely falling apart. I read some quotes that made me laugh and feel a little better. Writing about it right now is making me feel better too! When I have days like this I try to remind myself of how lucky I really am. I need to focus on the positive and let the negative go. It is alot easier said than done! I really am trying to be positive! I am not trying to complain I am just trying to get my thoughts out of my head. I am sorry if it bothers you but I will not watch what I write. If you don't like it then talk to me about it!