christmas!!!!

I am so very excited to have Aidan!!! He slept 9 and a half hours last night. He is the most amazing baby. Aidan got tons of great stuff for Christmas. We are so very lucky!!!

doctor....

We took Aidan to his 2 month well baby visit on the 18th. Aidan was 13 lbs 10 oz and 23 in long!!! He is getting so big!!!! We have decided not to vaccinate and when we told the doctor all he wanted to do was try to talk us into vaccinating. We have also decided not to go to any more well baby visits. I think they are a bit pointless and I hate sitting in the waiting room with all the sick kids if Aidan is healthy. If Aidan gets sick we will for sure got to the doctor. I don’t really see the point of the well baby visits if we are not vaccinating. Aidan is very healthy and doing great!!! He is even sleeping thru the night most of the time! We are so lucky to have such a good baby.

Aidan was up at 6am to eat and it is now 7:45am and I can not go back to sleep. Aidan is 6 weeks 1 day old and we are still feeding on demand. Some people think we should make him eat at a certain time and a certain amount but I do not agree. Aidan tells us when and how much he wants to eat and he is gaining weight so it is working. He is latching on my breast from time to time but I am still pumping mainly and feeding him with a bottle. We go to see the midwife tomorrow so hopefully she can give me some advice as to how to get him back on my breast full time. The reason I started pumping and bottle feeding in the first place was because when I got home from the hospital I was on drugs for the pain and I was a bit out of it sometimes and it was hard to breastfeed. At the end of the day as long as Aidan is still getting breast milk I don’t care how he eats it. We still have a bit of organizing to do till the new house is 100% done but we are slowly getting there. We got our Christmas tree the other day and decorated it yesterday. Today is a big day for Darin! He goes in for one out of two tests for a job he really wants. He also got a part time security job the other day. He is really excited about the company and the job! Fingers crossed and good luck for Darin today and tomorrow!!!

little bit of everything

Today I turned 25 years old and Aidan is one month old! Everyone keeps saying how fast the time with a baby goes but right now it feels like time is going slow. I feel like Aidan has been here for way longer than a month. We are enjoying every second we have with little Aidan! Work called and said I had to go back one or two days a week or I have to quit. At first I said I was going to quit because it has not even been six weeks since the C-section and I cant go back to work yet. Than I thought about it and I emailed my boss and said I could come back one day a week starting in two weeks. My boss emailed me back and said that would not work I have to come back at the least two days a week. Darin and I are going to think about it and I will email my boss back on Friday. We moved into a new house and painted Aidan’s room blue. I feel so lucky to have my husband and son.

October 21st 2012

At 12am October 20th my contractions started! It was Darin’s birthday and I was very excited that Aidan might be born the same day! We called the midwife at about 3am because the contractions were pretty regular and close together. The midwife came and checked me. I was 4cm dilated and the contractions were pretty strong. Everything was going good. A few hours later things seemed to slow down a bit. The contractions were still pretty strong but they were not really regular. The midwife left and told me to get some rest. I was in so much pain I could not sleep. At 3pm on October 20th I went to the bathroom and felt a little pop! My water broke in the toilet, I yelled for Darin to call the midwife. I got up and went to walk to the bedroom then right before I left the bathroom more water came out. Mom was helping me clean up and even more water came out and I got her arm a bit wet. It was pretty funny and exciting. Darin and I figured after my water broke it would not be much longer till we got to meet little Aidan. The midwife came back a few hours later but the contractions were still not regular. I was in tons of pain and the contractions were very painful. On October 21st we still had not progressed. The contractions were getting worse but they were not regular and we were not dilating. I was so tired. I had only slept about 2 hours since October 19th. The midwife said the baby was fine and I was fine so we could stay home and continue to wait and see or we could go to the hospital and try to speed things up. We were not sure what we wanted to do. I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I wanted to have Aidan at home in a relaxed atmosphere. I felt like I needed to go to the hospital because I was so tired and didn’t think I could labor much longer. Darin and I talked a lot and in the end we decided we needed to go the hospital. We got to the hospital at about 1030am on October 21st and they took me back right away but made Darin fill out paperwork. We did not want to be apart at all and I was upset. They did an ultrasound and asked me tons of questions. I was unable to move around much and had to stay on my back because they were listening to Aidan’s heartbeat. Having to lie on my back made the contractions so much worse and I started rethinking going to the hospital. We got into a labor and delivery room and started the IV with the drugs to help labor progress. I also got an epidural and I have to say that hurt worse then the labor itself! A few hours later we were up to 6cm but it was still slow going. It seemed to be taking forever. I didn’t think Aidan was ever going to come. At about 830pm we were up to 8cm and the doctor said we could wait and see if we dilate more or we could have a C-section. Darin and I talked about it and decided we were just too tired to wait longer and see if labor progressed. We told the doctor we wanted a C-section. Darin got dressed in the scrub things and they got me ready. I went in the room all alone so they could prep me before letting Darin in. They finally had Darin come in and sit next to me. He held my hand and I looked at him the whole time. He was nervous and at some points I think he was squeezing my hand harder then I was squeezing his. The doctors pulled Aidan out and I told Darin to go right away and be with him. I could hear Aidan crying and it felt so good. After all that time, all the fertility treatments, all the test, Weylin, Holly, after everything we had been through Aidan was here! Darin went with Aidan and the doctors put me back together. Aidan Wesley was born on October 21st at 953pm 8lbs 5oz 21 and ½ inches long with blue eyes. I went to the recovery room and Darin met me in there. The nurse was even nice enough to bring Aidan in for a bit. Once I got to my regular room they brought Aidan to me and he was able to stay in my room. Darin could not stay with us in the hospital. We are home now and I am healing from the C-section. Aidan is the most amazing baby in the whole world. We are all adjusting to life together and could not be happier.

due dates come and go....

Today is Aidan’s due date!!!! I am so very excited for this day! When we got pregnant the first time the due date was January 6th 2011, the second time we got pregnant the due date was July 12th 2011. After loosing Weylin and Holly those days were days I was dreading. They both came and went with tears shed and a lot of heartache. I never thought I would ever be pregnant long enough to make it to this day. I am so glad Aidan is doing well. We still have time left today so he may be born but he may not. We will just have to wait and see when he decides it is his time to be born. I am calm and excited for the birth. I am not afraid or nervous at all. I am 100% ready for our little man to get here!!!!

my husband is great!!!!

This is going to be one of those mushy cheesy blogs about how great my husband is! I really am so lucky and happy I have Darin! As we get further along in the pregnancy Darin has helped me out so much. Of course I could do everything myself but it is so nice to have a great man to help me out! He is going to bake me brownies tonight! He has gone shopping for me, rubbed my feet, rubbed my back, cleaned, cooked, and everything else. He really has been so great to me. I could not have ended up with a better man. I feel so bad for women who have shitty guys but then again I don’t feel bad because they are the ones that picked those men. I love my husband more and more everyday!

just be happy!

We are now 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant!!!! I could not be more excited! Darin and I have worked so hard and been through so much to get to where we are today. I hate to say we have some negative people in our lives. From the beginning they did not want us to try and pregnant and through out this whole pregnancy they have been negative and pretty mean. I could care less how people feel or what they think. It bothers me that our families can not put their feelings aside and just be supportive and happy for us. Not everyone in both of our families is being negative but one day the negative people will regret it. There is already one person in our family that will never meet my son or have anything to do with him. That is not because I am mean but because I need to protect my sweet baby from her negativity and immaturity. When Darin and I got married we talked and talked about trying to have kids. We decided we wanted to start trying. I went off birth control in 2008 and nothing happened. We found out I was infertile and all the doctors said I had less then a 1% chance of getting pregnant with out fertility treatments. I took Clomid 3 times in 2010 and got pregnant twice! Darin and I were so excited then our hearts were broken. We lost the first baby and decided to keep trying, and then we lost the second baby and again decided to keep trying. In 2011 we had a lot more test done and I was on Clomid 3 times and didn’t get pregnant again. Darin and I talked a lot and decided we did not want to use fertility again for a while. We did not do anything to prevent getting pregnant but we really had no hope it would happen on its own. February 2012 my period was late and at first I didn’t think anything of it. Darin finally talked me into taking a pregnancy test and it was positive! I have to admit that until I was 12 weeks pregnant I was waiting for our baby to die. I never thought we would make it out of the first trimester. Well the first trimester came and went and I thought for sure our sweet baby was going to die in the second trimester. I was happy to be getting further along but afraid something was going to go wrong. Now here we are full term and everything is still going good. Our sweet little Aidan can show up any day now. All I keep thinking about is everything Darin and I have been through in these last few years. We were alone when we lost our babies and many people did not care. Many people did not see them as children but to us they were our children. Now during this pregnancy me and Darin seem to be alone again. I really thought everyone would be overly happy because of everything we had been through. I guess I was wrong. Darin and I only need each other and if I could I would move far far away and never talk to anyone ever again. I am happy and nothing anyone does is going to change that. I may get upset at people at times but I will talk it out with husband and move on. My life is amazing right now and I am sorry you may be jealous but you need to grow up and get the fuck over it!

full term!!!!

I can not even put into words how excited I am to have made it full term!!!! I can not believe baby Aidan has made it! When I first found out I was pregnant I really thought I was just going to lose the baby. Darin and I are so excited!!!! Aidan’s due date is October 11th! Only a few weeks to go!!!

infertile mind

I feel like no matter what I will always feel infertile. I know I am pregnant and I could not be happier about it. The closer we get to Aidan’s due date the more nervous I get. Nothing is set in stone! Just because I am 34 weeks pregnant does not mean we are going to have a baby. Aidan could still die at any time or die right after he is born. I am not thinking negative but I am being realistic. Anything could happen at any time so I am trying to enjoy whatever time I have to be pregnant. This may be our only chance to be pregnant. We have talked about it a bunch and honestly I think we have decided not to do fertility treatments again. I always thought when you got pregnant your infertility journey was over. I was proved wrong when we got pregnant and had the first miscarriage. Then I thought “there is no way I would have another miscarriage” and it happened again. When I got pregnant the third time I was honestly just waiting for our baby to die. I know that sounds bad but after two miscarriages I never thought we would ever have a healthy pregnancy. Aidan may never be a big brother and I need to be ok with that. I don’t want to try anymore, I don’t want to put tons of medication in my body anymore and I don’t ever want to have another baby that dies. I am just going to focus on the here and now and be happy! I don’t want to look back on this pregnancy and regret anything.

baby and vacation!

Baby News: I am 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant today! I still can not believe we have made it this far. It is so much fun feeling and seeing Aidan move around. It is getting harder and harder to walk around or stand for a long time. I am getting more uncomfortable as the days go by. I feel like I want to eat all the time but nothing ever sounds good. I am so ready to meet this little boy!

Vacation News: Darin and I just got back from Cali! It was a great trip. We went to the San Diego Safari Park and the beach. Even though we just got home we are ready to go back to the beach! I think we are done taking road trips till after the baby is born. I had to stop a lot to pee and I was so stiff.

I CAN NOT WAIT!!!!

It is way to hott outside!!! Aidan is due in October and I can not wait to meet him and I can not wait till the temps are under 80* I am nervous about going to work on Tuesday, there is an excessive heat warning and I have to be outside for a little over two hours. I really hope I can stay hydrated enough and I don’t get sick! I would hate to have to tell my boss I can not watch the kids outside but nothing is more important than keeping Aidan healthy! I hate not being able to do everything at work but no job is worth hurting myself or my baby. On another note: I can not wait to carve pumpkins and eat caramel apples!

update!

We saw the midwife today! Everything is going good! The heartbeat is good, my blood pressure is good, my pee is good, and I am measuring good! I have to say this pregnancy is so much more relaxing than the other two. I don't have to worry or stress out about doctors. We are going to have blood work done in a week or two. The midwife does everything a doctor does so no need to worry. I have to say I love hearing other people's opinion on homebirth. I don't like being judged or looked down upon. I am doing what is best for MY family and homebirth is just as safe as hospital birth. The midwife is a trained medical professional. My husband and I are excited and happy with the decision we made. If you love us then you will support us and be happy for us. We have decided on a name for sure!!!! We are going to name our sweet little boy AIDAN WESLEY! Wesley is Darin's grandfather's name and it is very important to Darin to use his grandfather's name. His grandfather could not be more excited about it! Darin and I are so very grateful and happy right now. I never thought we would ever make it this far in this pregnancy. I am still nervous it will all just end one day but hearing Aidan's little heartbeat today gives me so much hope. I start work tomorrow! I will be working at the rec center again. I worked there back in high school and it was a very fun and rewarding job. I am glad I have the chance to go back to a job I loved. They do not know I am pregnant yet but I am pretty sure I am going to tell them tomorrow. I will still be able to do everything I have to while being pregnant so I don't see it being an issue.

terrifying day!!!

Today was a terrifying day! First I woke up in a little bit of pain. I woke up on my stomach and instead of just being uncomfortable it was painful. The pain went away after about fifteen minutes. Darin and I got ready and went to Albertsons for a few things. Then we went to Subway and picked up lunch. We ate when we got home, started laundry, and got our drinks ready to head upstairs. We had planned on watching all four Scream movies up in bed. When we got upstairs I went to the bathroom. After I wiped I looked down and there it was, BLOOD! I yelled for Darin and told him I was bleeding. (I may have over reacted a bit; it was very light pink blood not red and not heavy.) I called my midwife and she said it was completely normal because Darin and I had sex last night. I was nervous so she let us come in to hear the heartbeat. All I kept thinking was “this is it, it is all over.” I was so afraid and nervous our sweet little baby had died! We got to the midwife and she went to hear the heartbeat. I was so nervous I could not even breathe! Then we heard that perfect little sound! The baby’s heartbeat was perfect and everything is fine! This was the very first time this pregnancy I have had any spotting. I was freaking out and Margie (our midwife) was so nice and really helped to calm me down. She assured me the spotting was normal and hearing the heartbeat really put my fears to rest. Just as I start to relax a bit more and think this pregnancy is going great a little spotting threw me right back to reality. At any moment in time this could all be taken away from me just like the last two times. I will not take any moment I have with our sweet baby for granted. I am so glad everything is good and Darin and I had a great time watching all the Scream movies!

procrastinating....

I have been procrastinating for weeks. I am usually not this bad but lately I just cannot seem to get in the swing of things. I will have a big plan in the morning then all of a sudden it is 8pm and nothing is done. Don’t get me wrong I always get everything done on time but instead of working ahead or getting stuff done really early like I usually do I just keep putting it off. Maybe today will be different and my whole list will get done! Now I just need to find the energy to get off the couch.

20 weeks and counting!!!!

So we have hired a great midwife and we are doing a homebirth! So far the pregnancy is going great. I am measuring good and the heartbeat is nice and strong! Everyday that goes by we get closer and closer to the due date. I am still nervous everyday and being infertile I don’t think I will ever be able to relax 100%. I just want this baby to be healthy and happy. We set up the crib and we have tons of clothes. I just want everything to be perfect. I wish I could put on my blog the sex of the baby but because there is a person in our lives that can not know I cant post it on here. It is a very long story and dumb drama with an immature person. This may be our only child and I am not going to let someone ruin the pregnancy or ruin anything having to do with the baby. I am just going to ignore her, not talk to her, and be happy with my life! We are 20 weeks pregnant today!!!! This pregnancy is half over!!!!! I never thought we would ever make it this far. I am so excited!

homebirth? hospital birth?

We have been talking a lot recently about if we want to do a homebirth or a hospital birth. Right now I am leaning towards a homebirth. I have had such crappy times in hospitals and I don’t want the birth of our baby to be a crappy time. I am 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant and I have still not seen a doctor. I have been pregnant before so I know what I need to do and what I should not do. This pregnancy has been scary but relaxing at the same time. I have not been stressed about what a doctor will say or how the results of blood work will come back. I have had ultrasounds and know everything is going good. I know I will eventually need blood work but we still have some time. I can’t even believe most of the time how far along I am. It feels like a dream! When I first found out I was pregnant I never thought I would get this far. I am just so happy that our dreams are so much closer to coming true. We have less then five months till our little bundle of joy is due! Part of me wants it to go by slow because I want to cherish every moment of pregnancy that I can. The other part of me wants it to go by super fast so we can meet our baby!

mother's day

As Mother’s day grows closer and closer I am not sure how I feel. I am sad as I think about Weylin and Holly but excited to think of this baby. Sometimes I can’t help but think why me? Why am I infertile? Why did I loose two babies? Why and I lucky enough to be pregnant again? There are so many infertile couples that should be pregnant as well. I am so happy to be this far along and I am so excited the baby is healthy so far. Mother’s day is a reminder of what I have always wanted. I have always wanted to hold my baby in my arms! I don’t want to mourn the lose of my children, I don’t want to be sad when I look at the past, and I don’t want to be judged for the pain I feel. As I sit here writing tears of joy are running down my face. I love that I have another opportunity to have a baby. I want nothing but the best but I can’t help but think of the worst.

National Infertility Awarness week (April 22 to 28)

National Infertility Awarness week is very important to me. It is a week all infertiles get to talk about their struggle. Often we are silent and judged. I am not bitter about not having kids, I am sad! I am not a bitch when I don’t want to hear you complain about being pregnant, I am sad! Even though I am pregnant now we had a long road to get here. We tried many rounds of Clomid and went through hundreds of test. We have lost two children along the way and had many heart breaks. We have become stronger as a couple because we have been each others support through all this. Infertility is something no one will ever understand unless you have been through it. I have met some amazing ladies through infertility groups online. When I am having a bad day they are there for me no matter what. We are part of a close knit group who all desperatly don’t want to be there. We are all fighting for the chance to be mothers and helping each other the best we can along the way. I honestly cant even imagine where I would be today with out those ladies! They mean the world to me and have helped get me through some really dark times. We have celebrated together, laughed together, cried together, and come up with some crazy plans together. I hope if you are infertile you have found a group of ladies who understand, I also hope you are not afraid to speak up. Talking about infertility is a good thing and don’t let anyone silence you. I hope if you are not infertile you learn more about infertilty and listen to an infertile friend if she has something to say. Try to be her support in any way you can. Infertility is not just something I stuggle with, it is a part of who I am. I would not be the person I am today if I was not infertile. I will not be ashamed! I am proud to be infertile, of course I want a child but infertilty has taught me how important it is to enjoy every moment I can. I have not taken any moment of this pregnany for granted and if I make it full term I will love and enjoy every second I have with my child.

what does family mean?

To me family is.....a group of people related by blood or marriage that love you no matter what, that are there for you for the good times and there for you for the bad times, that don’t judge you. I have a great family except for one person. At this point I just need to move on. I need to ignore her and cut her out of my life right now. She has been nothing but negative towards me and down right mean sometimes. I have let her bother me over and over again but now I am done! I am taking control and moving on. I said most of what I needed to say and I gave her a chance to say what she wanted to say. I will not let my husband be put in the middle of high school drama anymore. Today is a new day and I am truly happy. I am happy knowing it is over; I am happy knowing I can move on, and most of all I am happy I finally got to say what I wanted to say. I had no filter; I had no reason to hold back. Maybe one day we can make it work but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. When someone attacks you it is hard to forgive them but when someone attacks your children, to me, it is impossible to forget. Hopefully she will look at her life and try to become a better person. I wish her nothing but the best.

care free and easy....

I have been thinking about Weylin and Holly alot recently. We are in North Carolina visiting Darin's family and they are all excited that I am pregnant. My mother-in-law has bought me the cutest maternity tops, Darin's grandfather bought the baby three outfits. I am so excited that this pregnancy has made it further. I miss Weylin and Holly, I wish I was this far along with them. I also wish I was this excited. I love this baby more then anything in the world but I cant help but think of what would have been. I just hope this baby makes it full term and is healthy.

Some fun news: we did a gender predicting kit and it said the baby is a boy. Also the Chinese calender thing says boy too. Once we get back to Vegas we will go in for an ultrasound to find out the sex!

Over all I want the baby to be healthy and that is all that matters but I want the baby to be a boy. I don't want a girl because there is a 99.9% chance any girl I have will have PCOS. I don't want my daughter to have to go through what I have. I want my children's life to be care free and easy for as long as possible.

IBS

My stomach is killing me right now! I have taken my stomach pills (as needed) for well over two years now. They help about 75% of the time. Since I got pregnant every time I take the stomach pills I feel high. Today the pills have made my stomach ache less intense but I feel high as a kite and I feel like I could throw up. I miss out on so much when I am sick. All I can really do is lay in bed or go to the bathroom. During pregnancy IBS usually goes away but can get worse as you go from one trimester to another. I just hope it goes away or at least gets a bit better. Before I was pregnant it was easy to not eat, so my stomach hurt less. Now if I don't eat at least a little bit my head starts to hurt and I get dizzy. I know the baby needs food but sometimes life is just easier if I don't eat.

road trips could be more fun

We got to North Carolina safe and sound. The weather was not nice to us. The last hour of our trip it rained so bad I could hardly see the road. It is nice to be here spending time with family. I wish I felt better but I know feeling sick is a good sign. We were on the road for about 10 hours a day and it was pretty fun (except for the weather) We will be heading to Virginia on the 16th then back here.

Pregnancy news ~ I feel crazy sick most of the time but as the weeks have gone by it has gotten better. I am pretty tired all the time but it is nice I can just relax. I will be 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I hope the baby goes full term with no issues. I don't have medical insurance and we are looking into using a midwife and doing a home birth. Some people think I am crazy but I think doing it at home will be safer and the baby and I can bond faster.

Feeling Good!!!!

I have to say I feel pretty good! Someone told me once that if my husband ever got out of the Military we would be broke. I am happy to say we are pretty far from broke. We have our rent already paid for the next two months, we are getting ready to go on vacation, and we have money in our savings account. I am so glad we are debt free and able to stay that way. When I was denied state medical insurance for the pregnancy I could not believe it. At the end of the day my husband and I are so lucky to have the money to pay for a doctor! We worked hard for the things we have and the money we have saved. You can save money too so don't give me some sob story about how much life sucks. Life is what you make it. I want my life to be great and after struggling with infertility I could be nothing but happy right now. I am so grateful to be pregnant and I am making the best of every moment I have. After Weylin and Holly died I looked at my life and knew I needed to live life to the fullest and stop wasting time being upset.

Road Trip news~ we are leaving tomorrow and I am still nervous to leave Shadow and Spooky. I know it is better for them if we don't take them but I am going to miss them so much! They are like kids to me and being away from them will be hard. All in all I'm sure the trip will be fun and the cats will be fine!

road trip....

We are getting ready to take a road trip so Darin can take test at different police departments in different states. We are also going to see his family. It should be a fun trip all in all but leaving Shadow and Spooky has me a bit nervous. I have not been away from them for more then a week. I'm sure they will be fine with my mom but I am still going to miss them like crazy! I would love to take Shadow and Spooky with us but I know they hate being in the car. Since it is getting warmer we are going to have Shadow groomed again. He looks so freaking cute when his fur is cut.

Pregnancy news: Tomorrow will mark 11 weeks pregnant. The morning sickness is starting to get better but my head seems to hurt all the time. My mood swings are getting worse and I am crying a bit more. I cant even put into words how scary it is to be pregnant after having 2 miscarriages. I want this little bean to stick and be the baby we get to hold in our arms after all these years of trying. I feel so lonely sometimes. Alot of my infertile friends wont talk to me anymore and I understand why it just sucks. I know they are happy for me but me being pregnant is a reminder they are not. I have been there and I get it. Its funny how such a happy time in your life can make people act kind of mean. I don't post much on facebook about my pregnancy because I know it bothers some people. I got a not so nice email telling me my baby could die at any minute and I should not be so excited. Don't you think I know that???? I need to make myself be excited because if this baby does make I want to be able to tell him how happy I was not how afraid I was. I need to be strong and don't need a reminder from someone I hardly talk to.

saying goodbye

After 5 years and 2 months I had to say goodbye to my car. It was the first and only car I bought myself. We had some good times and some shitty breakdowns. I sold my care a couple days ago and I have to admit I do miss it. In the long run it was the best thing for our family. Maybe in a few months we will sell Darin's truck and get an SUV or we will just wait till we need a second car and go from there. It was hard having to say goodbye to all the good times but I will always have the memories.

heart beat

When I was pregnant with Weylin we never even had an ultrasound. Then when I was pregnant with Holly we got to see her little heart beat flicker on the screen! We went in for an ultrasound today and we got to hear our baby's heart beat! It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard. The ultrasound tech said that because of the PCOS I probably ovulated later then normal. I am 7 weeks pregnant today and the due date is October 15th 2012!!!! Here is a picture of our little bean!

I am pregnant again!!!

That's right everyone! I am pregnant for the third time. We did not use fertility drugs this time. My period was late and I thought it was just because I was stressed. Then I started getting really tired and peed on a stick! It was positive and we could not be happier!!!! Now I just need to get medical insurance and find a doctor! I am doing good so far, have a ton of symptoms and very excited to get further along. I am a bit nervous it wont all go as planned but I'm trying to stay positive.

Tomorrow marks the day Darin and I started dating!! I met the love of my life over 5 years ago and I really don't think I could love him anymore then do right now!

holding it in?

I am not really sure what to name this blog... Weylin Roy (first pregnancy) would have turned 1 the other day if everything had gone as planned. Holly Grace (second pregnancy) would have been 6 months old if everything had gone as planned. It is hard to look at what our lives are now and what our lives would have been. I cant help but ask "why me?" over and over again then I think, it is not just me! Tons of people lose their children all the time. It happens more often then most people would think. I feel alone sometimes, I feel like I am the only one. Some people don't like that I talk about my children because they died. I think anyone who has ever lost a baby should not stop talking about the baby! Why do we have to stay silent? Why can I not share my pain? After Weylin died I felt a piece of myself die as well. I didn't think I would ever move on, then I got pregnant with Holly. I was so excited to have another baby but so sad at the same time. Then after I lost Holly I felt the same pain all over again. I loved both my children and I only wish I was able to hold them, hear them laugh, watch them grow, and see them smile.

I know some people who read my blog may think I share to much or I am to personal. I have to remind myself that I am helping someone by posting what I do. Someone out there is going through the same thing I am and now they know they are not alone! When I first found out I was infertile blogs were what got me through. It was nice knowing I was not alone and someone out there knew what I was dealing with.

I hope 2012 can bring a better understanding of infertility and miscarriages. I want anyone struggling to feel good about talking. It is ok to open up and talk about how you feel because holding it in is so much worse.