Pity Party for me....

I have been spending the day with my husband. It has been a pretty good day. In about a week our baby would be one month old. It is hard to hear other people are pregnant or having babies. We should have one! I am so grateful for everything we have but I really do want our baby. Right now I don't even have a chance of getting pregnant and I may never have a chance to get pregnant again. I want to go back on Clomid I don't want to wait for doctors to tell me if I can or not. There is so much going on next month I just feel overwhelmed and upset. I want to go back in time so bad and make the doctors do something so I could have kept the first baby! If I knew then what I know now my life would be so different. I wish it was a year ago so I could not make friends! Every time I turn around someone else is announcing they are pregnant. Of course I am happy for them but I am so sad for myself. I don't want to be the only one with out a baby and sometimes that is how I feel. I don't even have anymore hope I will get pregnant with out Clomid. I should be writing about my three week old baby right now not writing about wanting a baby.

Panic Attack

Sorry it has been so long since my last blog. I had my first panic attack a few nights ago and I NEVER want that to happen again! It was so scary and I really thought I was going to die! I was so stressed out about so much stuff. I kept telling myself everything was fine but I felt like there was a huge truck driving over my chest. We are having a going away party tomorrow for a friend. I am pretty excited about it I have a few more things to do tomorrow but for the most part I am ready. I got a job at the hospital in town (I will have more info on Thursday) There are some things I need to ask about before I can start. I think I may start a catering company! I have been doing so much cooking and I really enjoy it. We will see how it goes. We are getting our taxes done in March and the whole return will go to paying off Darin's truck. We have like another year and a half on the loan but at the latest it will be paid off in nine months. I hope we can get it paid off in three months!!! It will be awesome to own the truck and the truck payment will go right into the savings account! It will be so nice to say we have NO debt. No more loans for us!!! Ok well I am off to bed. Have a great night all!

Shadow and Spooky

It has been a while since I posted some pictures of the cats. The 30 day photo challenge was a fail for me. Maybe I will try again at a better time and when I have some more pictures on the computer. Here are a few recent pictures of Shadow and Spooky! Sorry one of the pictures is a little messed up. All these pictures are from December 2010 and January 2011.

What to do? What to do?

I have been thinking about deleting my blog. It has created some drama with someone and I just don't want the drama. I really don't want to delete the blog because of one person and my husband doesn't think I should delete it if I don't want to. I started this blog so our family and friends could keep up with our lives and it quickly turned into a blog about our infertility. When I first found out I have PCOS I didn't know anyone going through what I was. I felt so alone in the world. I started looking stuff up online and found alot of blogs about people and their infertility struggle. I can not even put into words how much those blogs helped me! Infertility is such a taboo subject and many people don't want to talk about it. Why do infertile people have to feel alone because people are uncomfortable talking about it? I want to tell my story and talk about what I am going through so that I can help other people. For every one person talking about infertility I am sure there are at least ten struggling in silence. If anything on my blog bothers any of you or offends any of you I truly am sorry. If there is something any of you want me to take down just let me know. I don't want my blog to upset or bother anyone! I really want to be helpful in any way I can. Not every detail of my life is on this blog and it never will be. I don't think anything on here is too personal, I am sure other infertile people know exactly what I am talking about and have probably done the same things I have. Everyone has shared their New Years Resolutions and one of mine may be a little weird to some, other people may have the same resolution. I will not be deleting the blog right now but I will be thinking about it for the next week or so. Give me some opinions! Have a great night!!!

7 Months...

Today marks 7 months since we lost the first baby. With the due date of that baby the first week of this month it has not been easy. When I think about the miscarriage I think about where we would be if it didn't happen. We would have our baby right now and our infertility journey would be over. We would have a newborn to care for and love. Instead we are waiting to see the fertility doctor and filling out tons of paperwork for the genetic counselor. This day 7 months ago I thought I would be sad and crying forever. I felt like complete shit! It was the worst day of my life. Now 7 months later the crying doesn't happen all the time, I will never forget my babies. No matter what anyone says I will never "get over" it. We are starting 2011 alot like we started 2010 more questions then answers and waiting for doctor appointments. I WILL have a baby one day! I want it to be today but I know I will have to wait. When it is all said and done this will make me a better mother, I will love my kids more, and be so much more grateful for them.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....ticket!

This picture is of Darin's elbow on 1-8-11. Today is not to great over here. Darin fell at work AGAIN and landed on his right elbow again. Poor guy is in so much pain and he cant see the doctor till 1pm. It is swollen and bloody, pretty gross. I have been spotting since yesterday and my cramps and back pain are so bad I can hardly move. We got a ticket for the foot of snow on the sidewalks and I did what I could but I swear my spin is twisted like a pretzel in my back right now. I didn't feel to good last night so I took Nyquil at 2am and Darin called me at 5am to tell me he was coming home so he could go to the doctor. I tried to nap a little while ago but that didn't happen. I hate being in so much pain! This will be the first period since the last miscarriage and I am not to sure how to feel about it. I am sad because it is reminding me I am not pregnant but then again I guess it is a new start of a new cycle that could bring a baby. Really I am just in to much pain to think about it and I am busy thinking about how much pain my hubby is in. Spooky is being really good and hanging out on the couch. Shadow is on the kitchen counter playing with something making all kinds of noise. Sorry this blog is a little random. My mind is all over the place right now. Ok I think this is all for now I am going to get a drink and try to get rid of this pain before we have to go back to the doctor.

Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell

ADDICTIONS!!! Many people don't know this but I use to be addicted to cocaine. I was on cocaine for a few months and have not done it in almost four years. I still crave it from time to time but I don't think I would ever do it again. I was addicted to cigarettes for a few years and have not smoked in almost ten months. I quit the day I started Clomid in April because I wanted to be healthier just in case I did get pregnant. I crave a cigarette sometimes, mainly when I see people on tv smoking and sometimes when I drive. One of my New Years Resolutions was to stop peeing on stuff. It has been going pretty good till tonight. The last time I peed on something was November 3rd 2010 when we found out we were pregnant again. I have not even thought about taking an Ovulation test or Pregnancy test till tonight. I will not break my resolution but is it possible to be addicted to peeing on test? It is weird I am craving it right now like I crave cigarettes. That really must sound crazy! I guess it is possible to become addicted to anything but this is just odd. I will not break down and do cocaine, I will not break down and smoke, and I will not break down and pee on a stick. I will stay strong and overcome this just like everything else. Today is a hard day I should have a baby but I don't and that is something I have to deal with. I will stay strong not only because I have to but because I want to. I want to stay strong for Darin because he is strong for me. I want to stay strong for Brittany because she believes in me and had an amazing dream about me. Most of all I want to stay strong for me!

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing

My back is killing me and I have not slept to good. I am in the living room right now thinking about how peaceful it is. The only sound is the keyboard. Darin, Shadow, and Spooky are sleeping and I have not turned the tv on. I like times like this, it is quiet and I feel peaceful. I'm sure in a moment I will be overwhelmed with thought but for a second the house is quiet and my mind is still. All day and most of the night all I do is think. I think about the house, the cats, Darin, the babies, doctors, cooking, etc. Most of the time I cant stop thinking long enough to fall asleep. I don't know why I let things bother me and I don't know why I think so much. I love the moments when even my mind shuts up! I have slowly come up with two new years resolutions. Number 1: I will not pee on anything in 2011, no more ovulation test or pregnancy test! Number 2: I will try harder to relax my mind and not let little things bother me. Number 1 may sound a little weird but if you are infertile you know what it is like. We spend money on test that give us results we don't want, we pee on the stick feeling excited and then read the results and leave the bathroom crying. I wont do that to myself anymore! If I think I am pregnant my doctor can do the test for me and even then I think I will wait till my period is late at least a month. I hate being excited just to get my dreams crushed. I think number 1 is going to be easy, number 2 I think is going to be very hard! If you were in my head for an hour you would go crazy. When Darin and I are sitting on the couch watching tv I randomly ask him what he is thinking and most of the time he says "nothing" I get jealous. I wish I could sit here and think about nothing! I would say about once a week for a few seconds I am completely peaceful, no noise and no thoughts. There is also another time I have no thoughts that last alot longer then a few seconds, sex. When I have sex I don't think about anything! It is a great time to relax but when it is over all my thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. 2011 is going to be a year of change for me and I hope this year will bring us the happy healthy baby that we want so bad!

A kiss is something you cannot give without taking and cannot take without giving

Well hubby has a broken elbow, he fell at work because of the snow and broke it. He is in a sling and on pain killers but it seems to be doing alot better then when it happened. He is still working but not doing much. Last night I messed up my back pretty bad and it is still killing me. There is not much else going on here. We are having a date day this weekend! We don't set aside time to go on a "date" often just because we usually do anything we want anyways. Like if we want to go out to eat we go we don't need a special day or time to do it. This weekend we are going to a movie and the mall and maybe out to eat. During the summer we take mini road trips and see new things but during the winter because of the snow we don't go to far. Darin's math class started last night and his teacher gave him the ok to bring me with him to take his notes. I am not to excited to sit there for four hours taking notes but it should be interesting. Math was never my favorite subject but at least I wont have to take any test or anything. We got an elliptical machine on Monday and I am really excited about it the only thing I don't like is it is in the living room. I know if we put it in the spare room we will never use it. Well that is all for now, I don't really have much to write.

Pictures Day 10 to Day 19

Day 10 a random picture of me - me in 2008
Day 11 a night you wont forget - watching family guy at the hospital on June 21st when we lost the baby
Day 12 day you were really happy - New Years 2011 our first time getting to kiss at midnight
Day 13 a photo of favorite movie - sex in the city
Day 14 a photo of your best friend - me and brittany in december
Day 15 you and a family member - me and my sister July 2010
Day 16 a photo from child hood - i dont have one on the computer
Day 17 a trip you will never forget - road trip to Beaty, NV with Darin
Day 18 your hometown - Everett MA
Day 19 last summer - fishing with Darin July 1st 2010

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us

I just had a thought. I am going to see the fertility doctor in March and the genetic counselor in June. If everything goes good we will go on Clomid again in July. If it goes really good the fertility doctor may give us the thumbs up to go on Clomid in April. I should have a baby now or at least in July but I may not even be able to take the drugs to get me pregnant till July. Months ago at the least we were on track to have a baby in July now we are just waiting. It is hard to think that even this time next year we may not have a baby. We will never use condoms or go on birth control but in the last three years I have not gotten pregnant at all with out the Clomid so even though we wont be using protection it is not likely I will get pregnant with out the Clomid. I feel like since it has not happened in three years it wont happen now but I cant take the Clomid. I guess it has really hit me that I wont be able to get pregnant until July and it sucks! After the first miscarriage I still had hope that we would get pregnant with out the Clomid. Now after the second miscarriage I have no hope that getting pregnant will happen with out using Clomid. I hate feeling hopeless but I just cant help it. I don't know what was better: having false hope after the first miscarriage or having no hope after the second miscarriage.

Due Date....

Today is the day! In April when we found out we were pregnant this day was such an exciting day to think about. We would have the baby we had tried for for so long. We would have our child in our arms. After the miscarriage this day had become a day I dreaded. People I have talked to say this day doesn't matter because I lost the baby. It may not matter to them but they have never lost a baby. I am sick of people telling everything will be fine. The people giving me stupid advice have never been through what I have. Today is a hard day! It is a sad day! Today all our dreams would have come true and we would have had a healthy baby. Instead I am sitting here thinking of what would have been and Darin is getting stuff done for work. I feel that we became parents the day we got pregnant. Some people say "you are not a mother till you hold your baby" but to me I am a mother. I have tried to become pregnant, I have fought to carry my baby, I tried my best to keep the baby healthy. We will never know why our first baby died but we are still that babies parents! Today is a day full of emotion and people who have not been through what I have are not making it any easier.

we need to move!!!

My OB called this morning with the results from the test on the baby. He said there was something wrong with a chromosome and I should meet with a genetic counselor. The genetic counselor only comes once every four months and my OB said "you can call me with any questions but I don't really know anything about chromosomes." That is not really helpful at all. He really didn't give me any information other then it only happens 1% of the time. What the fuck are the odds that I would be infertile, have a miscarriage, get pregnant again and have another miscarriage because of a 1% of the time thing? Now we have to wait for another doctor to do more test to see if we can even have a fucking baby. I want this to be over! I want to know one way or the other if we can have a baby. If we can then we will keep trying and if not we can just be fucking done and move on with our lives. I hate the doctors up here, not just because they are rude but because no one knows what the fuck is going on. They keep telling me to see another doctor or they take more blood. What the fuck is a doctor going to do when he can only see me once every four months and that is if I can get an appointment. We need to move someplace with all the doctors we need right there. I will see how it goes but if I cant get an appointment with the genetic counselor we are putting in for a PCS due to medical reasons. Oh and don't tell me I can just go somewhere else to see a doctor with out moving because I cant. It takes two people to have a baby and my husbands job is not going to give him two weeks off to travel to see a doctor. We need to live there. All I want are some answers not more questions!!!!

100th post!!!!!

Some of my blogs are sad, happy, mean, bitter, etc. For my 100th post I will talk about how great my husband is. I want this to be a happy blog and the best, most happy thing in my life is my husband.

He is such a great guy!!! This past year has been hard and no matter how stressful his job or how much he works he is always here for me. He has been my best friend, my lover, my shoulder to cry on, the man who puts up with all my bullshit and only loves me more at the end of the day. Some days I put him through hell. I am so lucky to have him in my life. He really is my rock, I stay strong because of the love I have for him. I would be lost without him. Before the fist deployment I took our time together for granted and now I make sure to cherish everyday and find more joy in the little things. Laying in bed watching tv with my head on his chest, not talking or moving just being there together. Sitting down and being able to have dinner together everyday is amazing, even though we eat dinner at 2:30pm. Any time I am away from him I miss him and cant wait to see him again. I love every second we get to spend together. We argue sometimes about little things but who doesn't? There is nothing about him I don't know and there is nothing about me he doesn't know. If there was a such thing as a "perfect relationship" we would have it. We compliment each other so much. I am so lucky I have the privileged of being a stay at home wife. I get to see Darin when ever he is not working and I get to cook for him and clean for him. I love that he works hard so I can be home to take care of him. If it ever came down to it and we needed money I would work in a heart beat. I don't stay home because I am lazy or cant find a job. I stay home because my husband and I have talked about it at length and have decided it is the best thing for us. He makes me laugh when I am crying and he makes me laugh when I am happy. He is the best husband!!!! I love my husband so much and the thing I love most is being his wife. I am proud to say he is my husband and I will love him for the rest of my life.

Pictures for the week, Day 4 to Day 9

Day 4 a place you would like to visit. Italy!!!

Day 5 a photo that makes you laugh. Spooky!

Day 6 a photo of someone you love. my hubby, i love him with all my heart!

Day 7 someone you miss. my mom and sister!

Day 8 favorite band. Miranda Lambert!

Day 9 yourself as a baby or child. I dont have any on this computer....

ill post more pictures next week!!!

Thursday

At the end of April 2010 when we found out we were pregnant it felt like time stopped. We were so excited and could not wait to have the baby. Time seemed like it was going by so slow. Then June 2010 I had a miscarriage and all my hopes and dreams for that baby died. Time has gone by pretty fast since the first miscarriage. The due date is Thursday, it is a day I have thought about alot. I hope that the due date can bring a final end to this chapter of my life. I will not forget the pain and I will never forget my baby! This week should be exciting and busy, instead it is sad and emotional. I should be having a baby not thinking about the two babies I have lost. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real like I was never pregnant in the first place. Other times it is so real I cant stop crying. My heart hurts and I feel empty. When the doctor walked in the room in April and said "you are pregnant" all I thought of was the baby. I was so excited and loved the baby so much. I thought about finding out the gender and I thought about the due date. I knew how I would set up the baby's room and I could not wait to hold my baby. Being infertile sucks, I am glad the Clomid has worked two out of three times but I want the happy ending. I cant even put into words the pain I feel. I hate that I am putting Darin through all this bullshit. I know he loves me and would never leave me because of this but I still hate myself sometimes. Not all the test results are back yet so I still don't know if the miscarriages are my fault or not. Sometimes it is just hard to not blame myself. Maybe it is because it is easier to blame myself then sit here thinking "why me?" There are so many things I want to be different but in the end all I want is to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. Yes I know my life could be worse but right now it feels like shit no matter what you say. I don't need to be told it is not my fault because with out the test results you don't know that. Please don't tell me it will all work out or it will all be ok. Right now I feel like a failure and I hope I will have a baby but I need to be ready to hear that I will never carry a baby. I am hoping for the best and trying to prepare for the worst. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a wife and mother. I try to be the best wife I can be and I want a chance to prove I can be a great mother!!!

Day 3 a picture that makes you happy

Day 2 pictures from a year ago

this was taken Feb. 2010 so it is about a year ago

Day 1 a photo of you!

this is me on December 21st 2010

30 Days of Pictures

Day 1: A photo of you!
Day 2: A photo of you from a year ago.
Day 3: A photo that makes you happy!
Day 4: A place you'd like to visit.
Day 5: A photo that makes you laugh.
Day 6: A photo of someone you love.
Day 7: Someone you miss.
Day 8: Favorite band or musician.
Day 9: Yourself as a baby/child.
Day 10: A random photo of yourself!
Day 11: A night you won't forget!
Day 12: A day you were really happy!
Day 13: A photo of your fav Movie.
Day 14: A photo of your best friend(s)
Day 15: You and a family member.
Day 16: A photo from your childhood.
Day 17: A trip you'll never forget.
Day 18: Your Hometown!
Day 19: Last summer!
Day 20: Something you ate today!
Day 21: Someone you find attractive.
Day 22: A photo of a good memory.
Day 23: Something you want to do someday.
Day 24: What you want to be when you grow up.
Day 25: Photo that inspires you.
Day 26: Favorite subject in school.
Day 27: Something you look forward to.
Day 28: Someone that made your day.
Day 29: Favorite person from history.
Day 30: A photo you find Beautiful.

Im going to try and do this! we will see how it turns out lol

New Year = No Sleep

Last night was awesome. I have NEVER spent New Years Eve/New Years Day with my hubby. This was the year we were able to be together. We watched a movie, ate some great food, watched tv, and watched the ball drop at 11pm.(stupid central time) We kissed at midnight and I cried. I cried because I was happy we were together, I was happy 2010 was over, and happy 2011 was starting. Darin was not feeling good later so he went to sleep about 2:30am. I was still wide awake and didn't fall asleep until 4am. I was up at 7:30am to pee and then slept off and on till 10:20am. I really don't know why I have such trouble sleeping. Some days I sleep ten hours and feel like I slept for two, other days I sleep four hours and wake up well rested and ready for the day. Sometimes I am just tired and cranky because I cant sleep. Darin on the other hand can sleep for hours and hours and not wake up once. I woke him up at 10:30am and asked what time he wanted to get up, he said "11" then went right back to sleep. I guess like 2010, 2011 will be full of sleepless nights and waking up way to early, oh what joy that is. Aside from not sleeping good the New Year has started off great. I am so happy I got to spend it with my husband!