Monday, January 3, 2011
At the end of April 2010 when we found out we were pregnant it felt like time stopped. We were so excited and could not wait to have the baby. Time seemed like it was going by so slow. Then June 2010 I had a miscarriage and all my hopes and dreams for that baby died. Time has gone by pretty fast since the first miscarriage. The due date is Thursday, it is a day I have thought about alot. I hope that the due date can bring a final end to this chapter of my life. I will not forget the pain and I will never forget my baby! This week should be exciting and busy, instead it is sad and emotional. I should be having a baby not thinking about the two babies I have lost. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real like I was never pregnant in the first place. Other times it is so real I cant stop crying. My heart hurts and I feel empty. When the doctor walked in the room in April and said "you are pregnant" all I thought of was the baby. I was so excited and loved the baby so much. I thought about finding out the gender and I thought about the due date. I knew how I would set up the baby's room and I could not wait to hold my baby. Being infertile sucks, I am glad the Clomid has worked two out of three times but I want the happy ending. I cant even put into words the pain I feel. I hate that I am putting Darin through all this bullshit. I know he loves me and would never leave me because of this but I still hate myself sometimes. Not all the test results are back yet so I still don't know if the miscarriages are my fault or not. Sometimes it is just hard to not blame myself. Maybe it is because it is easier to blame myself then sit here thinking "why me?" There are so many things I want to be different but in the end all I want is to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. Yes I know my life could be worse but right now it feels like shit no matter what you say. I don't need to be told it is not my fault because with out the test results you don't know that. Please don't tell me it will all work out or it will all be ok. Right now I feel like a failure and I hope I will have a baby but I need to be ready to hear that I will never carry a baby. I am hoping for the best and trying to prepare for the worst. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a wife and mother. I try to be the best wife I can be and I want a chance to prove I can be a great mother!!!