a year ago April 30th 2010

Lets start a couple days before, on April 28th 2010 I took a pregnancy test. It was negative and I was sure the Clomid didn't help me get pregnant. I sat on the floor in our closet and I cried for hours! I got myself off the floor and went on with my day not very happy at all. I was having some weird cramps (not like period cramps) but I just pushed the pain to the back of my mind. April 30th 2010 (the day my period was due) I woke up, went to the bathroom and there on the toilet paper was the dreaded first spot. I cried again and thought for sure my period was going to show up later in the day. My weird cramp pain had continued to get worse and Darin said I had to go to the ER. I told him that I could just wait till Monday and see the doctor on base because I was not pregnant. He talked me into testing again. He was upstairs and I went into the bathroom with the cup and test in hand. I peed in the cup, used the thing to put a few drops on the test, and I waited. I swear I saw two lines! I was looking at it for so long I was afraid I was imagining the two lines so I ran upstairs and made Darin look at it! That was it, the test was positive and we could not have been more excited! I got ready and we went to the ER to make sure the pain had nothing to do with the baby. Turns out I had a UTI but they did another pregnancy test at the ER and at 11:53pm the doctor came into the room to tell us we were for sure pregnant!!! Looking back on that night I remember it like it was yesterday! It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. Mine and Darin's dreams came true that night, we loved that baby more then anything! Our baby should be almost 4 months old right now, we may have empty arms but our baby will always be in our hearts.

why cry? why not cry?

My period is due in thirteen days and that means I can go in on that day and get a pregnancy test or I can wait about a week and a half and go in then for the test. I would love to know that day but then again what if I don't get pregnant. A negative test would suck and waiting for the call with the results is shitty!! I think getting my period might be a better way to find out I am not pregnant. Darin will be on vacation during all of this so it will be up to me when to go in and get tested. If I am not pregnant it will suck not having Darin here with me but if I am pregnant I can tell him in a really cute way when he gets back. I said in an earlier blog I am so torn about what to feel this month! I am going to try and wait as long as I can before I go in for the test, I really really hate waiting for that phone call.

Some days I have been filled with so much hope and truly feel like I am going to get pregnant and other times I just want to cry because I think I may never get pregnant again. I think what if I messed up my ONLY two chances to have a baby. I have been really emotional since being on the Clomid and I take that as a good sign. I was watching Gilmore Girls today and I was crying so hard because the town had the party for Rory and I thought it was so sweet. I watched some of the royal wedding and I cried for pretty much no reason. I love and hate that I cry about nothing!

WHAT IF?????

I watched this video on a fellow bloggers blog and it got me thinking. (Magen you post some awesome stuff!!!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEURQqzKjuY&feature=player_embedded


The video makes me think of my own "What if?" Here are a few I have been thinking of recently.

What if I get pregnant again?
What if I lose another baby?
What if I give up?
What if I never even started trying to have a baby?

About half the time this month I am positive and think I am going to get pregnant and this time everything will be great and we will have our baby. The other half of the time I don't think I will get pregnant or I think I will get pregnant and go on to have yet another miscarriage. I am very torn this month! I don't know what to feel or what to think most of the time. Most of the time I say I will never give up trying for a baby but sometimes all I want to do is curl up in a ball and forget about everything. Darin is such a great husband, even on my weakest days he can make me strong.

There was a "What if?" in the video that really made me think. "What if I lose myself along the way?" I feel like in a way I have lost myself. I am not even close to the same person I was a year ago. After the first round of Clomid (April 2010) I feel like infertility has become a bigger part of my life then ever before. Would I have changed this much if I have not been through infertility and the loss of the babies? I don't even think I could come close to answering this question. Infertility is a huge part of who I am and no matter what happens I will always speak up about my struggle.

When I first found out I have PCOS I suffered in silence because I was afraid of being judged and I was ashamed. It was very hard for me and I felt so alone. I read alot of blogs and talked to alot of people online and it helped so much. Knowing there are other people out there going through what I am makes me feel better. Feeling alone and ashamed is not fun at all. I do get some negative comments about talking about infertility and miscarriages but I get alot of comments from people who know and understand what I am going through. At the end of the day I write this blog not only to get my feelings out but to help other people. I want everyone to know they are not alone and there are people out there that understand. I told my husband last night that if my blog only makes one person feel better for 5 minutes that day then it makes it all worth it. If I have to talk about being sick, having sex, my period, hair on my toes, or anything else that is personal so that I can make at least one person smile then I will! Two years ago I needed support and I got it from personal stories that other people were willing to share and I feel like now I have to do the same.

I am a pretty open person and I am not really shy about anything anymore. I feel like I need to help other people because I have become so much more comfortable with my situation. I am not ashamed anymore and I will speak up about my struggle. I hope I am helping alot more people then I know with my blog. I am sure I will always have "What if?" questions and I know I will have some bad days and some great days. My husband and I will get through this together and be stronger a couple because of our struggle!

you may think its weird....

Some people might think I am weird because I take alot pictures and save stuff (like: hospital bracelets, the shot I took today, positive pregnancy test, etc.) I dont really care if people dont like it because to me all those things are memories of my babies. I cant look at my babies everyday or make new memories with them. All I have is the stuff and it all holds a special place in my heart. Mothers Day is coming up soon and I am not sure how to feel. Last year I was pregnant for Mothers Day and Darin made me breakfast in bed. I was also pregnant for Fathers Day last year and I made Darin breakfast in bed. We are panning to do the same this year and some people may judge and say we are not "real" parents but if anything, couples like us are the forgotten parents. Just because you can hold my child in your arms does not mean I am not a mother. I have two babies that never got a chance to be born and grow up but they are still my kids! When asked how many kids I have I always say two. I loved both those babies before they were even created and I already love the baby that may or may not be created in the next few days. Do I need or want Mothers Day gifts? No I just want people to recognize that I am indeed a mother.

be warned! a little TMI!!!

I had another ultrasound this morning! For the first time I had a guy do it and I must say he was kind of cute. I have no issue with who does it and I really prefer guy doctors anyway. It hurt so bad!!! It was going ok at first then he moved over to my right ovary and it all went down hill. I really think my right ovary is so sick of getting its picture taken that it hid. It took alot of pushing and tons of pain but he got a good picture. I talked to my OB and he said my follicles looked great and there were a few really big ones!!! He told me to take the Overdril shot (HCG, pregnancy hormone, shot) and to have sex this afternoon and then again tomorrow night and then every other day after that. We have not had sex in three freaking days because of the ultrasounds so I am pretty excited to get laid!!

I am still in alot of pain so I am just trying to relax until Darin wakes up. He has class tonight and next Monday is his last math class! I packed his suitcase last night and he leaves for vacation in about two weeks. I am going to miss him so much while he is away! I hope while he is gone I find out I am pregnant so I will have good news to tell him when he gets home!

Infertility Awareness Week

It is Infertility Awareness Week (April 24th to April 30th) Infertility is a disease! people can not just relax and bam they are pregnant. Darin and I have struggled with infertility for years. We are infertile because I have PCOS, Darin is perfect and there is nothing wrong with him. We NEED fertility drugs to get pregnant no matter what! We have gotten pregnant twice so far using Clomid and as most of you know we have lost both those babies. Many times Infertility is a silent disease but I refuse to keep my mouth shut about it! God has nothing to do with getting me pregnant, it is not God's will, or in God's time. I use drugs that make me sick and emotional, I see a doctor often, and Darin and I go at it, God is in no way a part of anything that gets me pregnant. It does not make me feel better when you say "oh don't be sad your baby died because it is God's will" or "just relax it will happen" or "it is against God to use fertility drugs" I have to say that dealing with Infertilty and the loss of the babies has made me the person I am today, it has brought me and Darin closer as a couple and our love is so much stronger. I would never wish this pain on anyone but it would be nice if everyone understood what it was like so they would not say hurtful things. Infertility sucks and it sucks even more if no one talks about it! I didn't talk about it for a while and it made me feel all alone! Some people don't want to hear about it and that is fine but I will not suffer in silence because infertility is taboo. 1 in 8 couple suffer from infertility and many of them suffer in silence, to afraid to speak up, or ashamed. My hope is that one day infertility will be as talked about as breast cancer. Every disease should be talked about and NO ONE should feel alone!

***This is not towards any one person! If you have an issue with something I said or a question please feel free to email me!

follicles are growing!

I just got home from the ultrasound. It did not hurt as bad as the first one, thank goodness! I am in some pain but it is not to bad. My left ovaries follicles were under 10 and my right ovaries follicles were over 10! Anything over 10 is good. The doctor doesn't want me to take the HCG shot today, he wants me to go back in a couple days for another ultrasound. I was pretty scared to go in today. The last time I had an ultrasound done at that place they told me my baby had no heartbeat. The lady called my name and I followed her to the exact same room. As I was getting undressed all I could do was cry! I looked around that room and the memory just came rushing back to me. I remember laying in that bed while Darin held my hand and the lady was trying to find a heartbeat. I remember sitting on that bed on the phone with an OB crying as he told me the baby died. So many emotions hit me in that room and I hated it! Now I have to go back in a couple days and do it all over again! I just hope we get pregnant and everything goes great!

Easter

It is crazy that Easter is Sunday and I am not running around, shopping, and cooking. Since we moved to North Dakota I have had people over for every holiday that Darin is not working. We talked about it and decided we didn't want people over on Easter this year. It is weird not having a ton of stuff to do before a holiday. The only thing we have done is color eggs, I didn't even decorate this year. I guess I don't have much to write today. I am going to pay the deposit for pictures in a little while. I am making chili for dinner and we are going to watch the Scream movies and drink a little tonight. We don't go to the movies to often but we are going tomorrow to see Scream 4 and since we are not eating out anymore I am going to pack drinks and snacks!

10 months....

Here I am 10 months after the first miscarriage, 10 months after our dreams were crushed, 10 months later and I remember the night like it was yesterday. I have to say I have been way more emotional because of the Clomid so it is hard to think about the baby with out crying. I remember that night so clearly I go through that night in my head often and think about what I could have done different. I would have fought through the pain and stayed home so I could have held the first baby like I held the second one. I should have insisted on seeing the doctor earlier! Our first child would be over three months old right now. I would have a baby right now but instead I sit here with empty arms. Last year I was pregnant on Mothers day and pregnant on Fathers day. I keep hearing stuff about mothers day and it makes me sad because many people don't see me as a mother. The people who have had miscarriages are more often then not the forgotten parents! My husband is a father and and he always will be. We may not be able to hold our child but we still loved our babies with all our hearts. If a little boy died at age 4 his mother is still a mother no matter what, so why is it different for people like me? I still work very hard everyday to become pregnant and I put my body through hell half the time. If I get pregnant this time I will be afraid that something I do could end the babies life. I am afraid that I will be to scared to enjoy the pregnancy. My husband and I have talked about it and we are ready no matter what. We are ready to have a baby just as much as we are ready to have another miscarriage. It is not the best thing to think about but knowing it could happen and what to expect I think makes it a little easier. Once my doctor says "your uterus cant take it anymore" then we will be done trying. I have talked to a girl online that has had 38 miscarriages, I could not even imagine her pain but she is still strong and still continues to try. It has been a hard week for me, the pills are making me very sick and there have been days that I just want to give up. I think about our babies and I know I cant give up, I think about Darin and how great he is to me and I find strength to keep going.

I started the "months" blogs so I could see where I was emotionally through out this experience. In only two short months it will be a year since we said goodbye. I am a totally different person today then I was before. I would never wish the pain of infertility or miscarriage on anyone but I wish more people could understand what I go through. Sometimes people say something thinking they are being helpful and nice but words hurt alot sometimes. I remember after the first miscarriage how crushed I felt and anyone going through it now please know you are not alone! You will find a way to deal with it and months later it does get easier.

I really cant say enough how great my husband is! He has put up with my crazy mood swings and held me as I cry. There has been times when I just want to give up and never look back but my hubby helps me get through it! I could never thank Darin enough for all he has done for me. He knows what to say to make me laugh and even on one of my really bad days he can put a smile on my face!

blah!

I have to say I feel like SHIT! The pills are kicking my ass and have never made me feel this bad. I still have to go in for another ultrasound then get an HCG shot then have sex and wait. I hate not feeling good because I feel like I cant get anything done. I sit here half the day trying not to throw up and the other half in the bathroom! I will do anything to have a baby and I will not give up but this time is so different then the other three. All the pills have never made me this sick! I can hardly come up with stuff to make for dinner because just thinking about food makes me want to throw up. I am so lucky to have the husband I do, he has been so sweet! He is the one that has kept me strong when I feel like giving up! We should find out the third week in May if I am pregnant or not. Darin will be on vacation so I will find out alone and then figure out how to tell him.

On to something else...We are having pictures done on May 10th and I am so excited! I am pretty sure I know what I am wearing but not sure what Darin is going to wear. I think I want him to wear his uniform but he is not to excited about that idea.

Easter Eggs!!!

We had tons of fun coloring Easter Eggs last night! Here are some pictures!

genetic doctor

As most of you know we had the second baby tested and she had chromosomes issues. My OB told us to see a genetic doctor. The doctor only comes to Minot once every six months but he is only four hours and we are able to travel and get paid back for it if we need too. We go to see him on June 8th and I have to say I am pretty excited to meet him! Dealing with the ladies in his office has been great! They are all so nice and do their best to answer all my questions. I called today to see if they got the results of our chromosome blood work and they did! Both mine and Darin's chromosome blood work came back normal!!!! That is very good news, it is starting to look more and more like the second miscarriage was just something that randomly happened. As of right now we still don't have any for sure answers but we do know that the chromosome issue only happens 1% of the time so it may never happen again! It is a big weight off my shoulders to know the blood work was normal. I wish we had some more for sure answers but I will take anything I can get! I am so excited for Darin to wake up so I can tell him the good news!!!!

mood swings...

The Clomid is not only making me sad this time around it is also making me mad! Shadow messes with the blinds on the back door and I yell at him to stop but the past few days I have wanted to throw him across the room it gets so annoying. Poor Darin came home from work this morning and I kind of yelled at him. I feel like I am going to throw up and I feel dizzy and he was just bothering me. He pointed out this morning that my mood swings have been really bad this time! I feel really bad but there is nothing I can do about it. I am so lucky my hubby is understanding and will put up with all my shit for a little while. Tomorrow is the last day of the Clomid so I hope the mood swings go away! Spooky seemed to be the only one in the house I didn't feel like yelling at this morning. I am bringing Shadow to get his fur clipped today and I am freaking out! The lady seems really nice and she does it out of her home on base and the first cut is FREE! I think I might stay and watch while she clips him, for some reason I am so afraid he is going to run away. It is really bothering me but its not like she is going to let him run around with all her doors open. Maybe I am just being to overprotective! He really does need a hair cut and I cant do it so I guess I will just have to see what happens. I am sure the lady is going to think I am crazy because I am sure I will cry when I drop him off. On a happier note Darin and I are going to color Easter eggs tonight!!! I got a really cute kit and then in a few days I am going to use the eggs to make deviled eggs!

my sister is coming to visit!!!

I talked to my sister yesterday and her, her husband, and our cousin might be coming to visit in August! The tickets are not booked yet so nothing is final but I must say I am so freaking excited! Oh and Darin has a hunters safety course the same time so he will/should be on leave!!! Becky (my sister) has been the only one to come see us in North Dakota and I cant wait for all three of them to come! I am already making plans of what to do! Peace Gardens for sure because we could not do it the last time Becky was here. Maybe we will go to the center of North America again! oh and there for sure has to be a movie night and a day where we just hang out at home and chit chat! If all goes as planned I will be about 18 weeks pregnant when they are here but I am not holding my breath for that. We will have to move around some furniture so I can hook the tv up in the spare room. I am so glad we have the futon and the twin size bed so no one has to sleep on the couch!

freaking pills!!!

Since I started the Clomid I figured I need to take all my pills without missing any. So now I feel like crap because all the pills I take make me feel sick! To make matters worse I am craving Ice Cream and I really want to eat it but Ice Cream makes me sick all the time. Usually I crave salty things when I am on my period but this time it is all about the sweets! So again the freaking computer is acting funny! I think it may be time to get a new one, at least all my files and pictures are backed up this time! I have a list of stuff I can make for dinner and none of it looks good! Oh well I guess I will figure it out. I cant wait till Monday night, after Darin's class, we get to hang out and just relax! I hate when I feel sick, I feel like I don't get anything done when I feel crappy!

sorry for all the blogs today

Ok one more blog today and I will be done till another day! Scream 4 came out today and because Darin is working we cant go see it till next week. We are going to watch the first three Scream movies and then go to the mall to see the fourth. I love scary movies and it sucks because most of them are not even scary anymore. I hope Scream 4 is really good! Darin is going to North Carolina in May, I am excited for him but at the same time it is going to suck not seeing him. I am still in alot of pain from this morning and it sucks because I have not been able to get much done. I am doing laundry and did dishes but I don't see the laundry getting put away till tomorrow. I wanted to organize the DVDs tonight but I just cant stand for to long. It is only 8pm but I think I am going to head to bed in a little while and lay with the heated blanket. I really hope the ultrasound on the 25th is not as bad as today!

Picture that you may not want to see!!!

I am posting a picture that may offend some people but when I look at this picture I see my baby girl!

The first miscarriage was very painful and I had to go to the ER. I passed the baby in the bathroom and there nothing I could do but flush. It was hard never getting to see that baby or know if it was a boy girl.

The second miscarriage was alot different! We say the baby's heartbeat and two weeks later we found out the baby died. The doctor didn't want to run test on the baby but I needed some answers! I passed the baby on a Sunday night and I got to hold her and say goodbye. I can not even put into words how it felt to hold my baby knowing it would never grow up. I kept the baby and put her in a bag so I could get her tested and figure out what happened. The next day I drove to the doctor office with my baby in my purse. It was very hard and I cried alot. I took pictures of the baby so I could always have that memory. We know why the second baby died and we know it was a girl! I have to say knowing more the second time made it alot easier to deal with.

This picture is the only picture I have of our baby girl.

pain...

I went in for the ultrasound to check my ovaries this morning and it hurt like hell! I was crying almost the whole time then I cried almost the whole way home. Darin has to work so he was not able to come with me and the next ultrasound on CD13 he has to work so he will miss it. I do alot on my own because Darin works alot and I understand that no matter what the Military comes first but sometimes it would be nice to have a ride home and I would have loved to hold his hand today.

I have been thinking and Infertility is so painful emotionally and physically. I feel bad that I cant give my husband a child and alot of the stuff I need done hurts really bad. Going through infertility you have no shame, many people see me naked and many people look "down there" alot. When I was younger I use to hate to go to the doctor, I thought it was weird and uncomfortable. Now it is just so routine for me I don't even care. Dealing with all this crap has made me alot more comfortable with my body. I want to be a mother to a baby I can hold in my arms and any amount of pain or tears will not stop me!

Last night was a great night! Darin taught me how to play NCAA 2011 and I must say it was pretty fun! I was a little drunk and half the time I had no clue what guy I was controlling but we had a good time. I am excited to play it again sober so I can really try to kick Darin's ass. Today at 2"30pm I will start the Clomid!

I laugh, I love, I hope, I try I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry.

Well today is CD2 for me! My period showed up way earlier then I thought it would this month but that just means we can get everything done sooner! Tonight we are playing video games and drinking. I don't really drink at all anymore but I am in the mood to drink and tonight will be the last night I can for a while. We are hanging out in our room and I locked Shadow and Spooky out so they would not knock our drinks over! We have carpet upstairs so we don't usually drink anything but water up here. Shadow had his paw under the door for a while but it seems like he is away from the door now. Earlier today Darin and I went to Walmart and then went to Oak Park and fed the geese some bread! I took a few videos on my phone but I don't know how to upload them on here. Today has been a great day! I love spending time with my husband and because of his job we don't get alot of it. We had homemade potato salad and turkey burgers for dinner tonight. Darin helped me cook then we made up a plate for his friend. We brought the food to his friends dorm room and I really hope he likes it! It makes me feel so good to do good things for others! Even though it is just making him dinner a couple times I know he enjoys it and he is a great guy and deserves it for sure! Sorry this blog is a little all over the place, I have already started drinking. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and then tomorrow afternoon I will start the Clomid! It makes me so emotional so I am sure I will cry alot but I am pretty excited! I really don't want to get my hopes up at all but I have a good feeling about the Clomid! Oh I almost forgot I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. I am so excited for her, she is a great person and I really hope everything goes great! I have to say at first I was a little sad, she posted a picture of her pregnancy test on facebook and it reminded me of what I didn't have. Then I thought about it and I remember the feeling of seeing my first positive pregnancy test and I cried because I was so excited for her and I hope I can feel that again very soon. She is one of the very lucky ones, her doctors told her she could not get pregnant and she even used Clomid and it didn't work for her, then out of no where she got pregnant! I have never met her in person but I still consider her a good friend and I cant wait to meet her and her baby one day!!! Ok well it is time to end the blog. I am not looking forward to the ultrasounds this month and it is not going to be to fun to be really emotional but in the end I hope it is all worth it! Darin and I will try for as long as it takes to have a baby but no matter what the future may bring we will always have each other! I love him so much!

it might be stormy now but it can't rain forever

Today was my last day of Birth Control! So whenever my period starts I have to call my doctor to set up a time for an ultrasound. Then on the third day of my period I will start Clomid for the fourth time. I have alot of mixed emotions about going back on Clomid, some good and some bad. I want the Clomid to work but there is always a chance it wont. I want to get pregnant again and I want to have a healthy baby and not have another miscarriage. Darin and I have talked about it and as much as we don't want to go through another miscarriage we know we might have to and I think we are better able to deal with it this time around. I am excited to see what our future will bring but I am scared to death at the same time! I want to be able to give Darin the family that we both want but I may never be able to do so. Sometimes I feel so bad that I cant give Darin kids, I feel like I let both our families down. Telling everyone we were pregnant the first time was amazing! Everyone was so excited and happy, we made plans for a big road trip to North Carolina and Nevada so everyone could meet the baby. Part of the reason I am not going to North Carolina in May with Darin is because I feel bad that I don't have a baby to bring with us. Telling everyone about the first miscarriage was so hard, I felt like a failure. The second time I was not sure I wanted to tell everyone we were pregnant again but it was to exciting not too! Telling everyone about the second miscarriage was a little easier but still made me feel like I had let everyone down again. I want to say if/when we get pregnant again we wont tell anyone but I don't know if that is true. Maybe it will be to exciting not to tell everyone or maybe I will be to afraid of letting everyone down again if something goes wrong. Maybe the Clomid wont even work and I will have nothing to tell or not tell.

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities

I know I write blogs about my husband often and you may be sick of hearing about him, but here is another blog about him! He is such a great guy! Yes we argue about little things and sometimes he bothers the crap out of me but he is the best man for me. No matter how my day is going he can put a smile on my face. I cant even put into words how happy he can make me even on the worse day. He works his ass off to provide for our family and I am so grateful for him. We are going to have pictures done on May 10th and I cant freaking wait. Darin is not very excited about it but he is doing it for me! I need to tell him more how much he means to me and how much I love him!!! I love Darin with all my heart!!!

PICTURES!!!

here are a few random pictures!!!

if you dont like it, then dont read it!

I have to say it is BULLSHIT that military will not get paid ON TIME. I also have to say that the military will NOT be working for free, they may not get their money on time but they will get ever cent paid back as soon as the government is up and running again. No matter what happens tonight the military will get 1/2 their pay on April 15th. I understand that not getting the whole check may be hard on some people but if you had money saved it would not effect you at all. There are civilian employees that will not be able to go to work and will not get paid at all while the government is shut down. The military could get paid better, they do alot for this country but they do get paid pretty good. We are a one income family and I am proud to say we have no trouble saving money, paying our bills, and buying whatever the heck we want. Although the military has for sure not made us rich it has given us plenty of money for situations just like this. Should the military get paid on time? Of course they should! I just don't see why people are getting so upset and blaming everyone else but themselves. You would not have a problem and this would not even effect you if you knew how to save money. You can say it is hard all you want but if it was that hard then no one would be able to do it on a military income. I think it is wrong that because people can not agree millions of people will go with out pay but the military will continue to work and they will get paid eventually. How about we all just deal with it and be grateful for what we have! I am proud to say my husband is in the Air Force and I am proud to say he would do anything to defend this country!

Blah Blah Blah!!! Grow up please!

Well here are my thoughts on the military MAYBE not getting paid. Darin and I have tons of money saved and can go months and months with out a paycheck if we have to. If the military does not get paid we will be spending extra money on food so I can cook for the people who cant buy food. Here is my opinion and you can agree, disagree, like, or not like it, I don't care. The military gets paid pretty freaking good. On one income my husband and I had no issue paying off his truck a year and a half early and saving plenty of money. People need to focus on saving money and setting up a budget. If you don't have cash for something that you want then don't buy it. If you want a new TV then save up the money and buy the TV, why put it on a credit card? Some people (NOT ALL) need to take responsibility and stop complaining and blaming other people. My husband and I work hard to save the money we can and we never buy anything we don't need unless we have the cash for it. The truck is now paid off and I am proud to say that when we go to buy another car (whenever that might be) we can and will pay cash for it. Saving money is not easy and you cant just do it over night, it takes hard work and determination but it can be done. At the end of the day the military will not let you or your family go with out food. Some people (NOT ALL) need to just grow up and learn to manage their money!

Ducks!!!

That is right everyone we got Ducks!!! They are so cute and I just could not say no. I am sad to say that the ducks will be leaving us tonight. They are going to a farm with tons of chickens and two other ducks!! I am sad to say goodbye but very excited that they will be free to run around and have an amazing life. Shadow and Spooky were not to crazy about the ducks but they didn't hate them either. We named the ducks Daffy and Quackers! They can be pretty loud sometimes and they poop all the time but they are very cute when they try to fly. I have never owned ducks and I must say I had no clue what I was getting myself into! Darin stepped up so much and helped! I think Darin is really trying to prove to me that if we get a puppy he will help me take care of it. We will miss Daffy and Quackers so much but I know a farm is a way better place for them!

a year ago today

A year ago today (April 3rd) I took my first ever Clomid pill and I quit smoking cold turkey. I did everything I could to be healthy for the baby I was trying so hard to have. The first day of the Clomid made me crazy! I was so emotional and cried about every little thing. I can say with 100% honesty that I have not been the same since that day. My life changed that day and it will never go back to what it was. On April 30th 2010 we found out we were pregnant for the first time and I have to admit I am dreading that day this year. All my dreams came true that day and then every dream was shattered on June 21st 2010 when I lost the baby. If my period is on time this month I should be starting the Clomid on April 23rd, so if I am pregnant I should find out May 23rd. Because of all the stuff I will be doing this time I can not take a home pregnancy test it has to be done with blood. Darin will be in North Carolina so I will either be alone for a great and happy day or I will have time to sit here and deal with the failure alone. If I do get pregnant I have to say I will be excited but I don't think I will that excited. I think I will just sit here and wait to have another miscarriage. The doctors cant tell me if the next baby will be healthy but they also cant tell me if we will lose the next one as well. So we are going to try and just see what happens. I don't see how we could be any more heart broken anyways! Pregnant or not pregnant, miscarriage or no miscarriage, who the fuck knows what is in our future but I am sick of waiting to find out!

I am so lame!

I am going to try and sleep soon. My stomach is killing me! I thought that I needed to point out how sad my life is right now. On weekends that my husband works I look forward to watching Lockup on Friday and Saturday night. On Sunday I clean because Lockup is not on. I feel so lame, I use to go out on the weekends and have fun. Now I get excited to sit in bed and watch the same episodes of Lockup over and over again. It is pretty funny looking back a few years, my life is crazy different.

Random

This is going to be a great but busy weekend! I am making lasagna for 50+ people tomorrow night! I am pretty excited about it and I hope everyone likes it. Hubby will be working for the next million days and it is going to suck! I guess not to much else is going on here. Oh Darin and I went to the gym and played racket ball the other day and it was really fun, I cant wait to play again. My stomach is killing me today so I have been trying to just relax. Although I did get the dishes done and I have cut all the veggies for the lasagna. I got a steam mop yesterday and I am in love with it! I guess that is all for now!