Sunday, April 10, 2011
it might be stormy now but it can't rain forever
Today was my last day of Birth Control! So whenever my period starts I have to call my doctor to set up a time for an ultrasound. Then on the third day of my period I will start Clomid for the fourth time. I have alot of mixed emotions about going back on Clomid, some good and some bad. I want the Clomid to work but there is always a chance it wont. I want to get pregnant again and I want to have a healthy baby and not have another miscarriage. Darin and I have talked about it and as much as we don't want to go through another miscarriage we know we might have to and I think we are better able to deal with it this time around. I am excited to see what our future will bring but I am scared to death at the same time! I want to be able to give Darin the family that we both want but I may never be able to do so. Sometimes I feel so bad that I cant give Darin kids, I feel like I let both our families down. Telling everyone we were pregnant the first time was amazing! Everyone was so excited and happy, we made plans for a big road trip to North Carolina and Nevada so everyone could meet the baby. Part of the reason I am not going to North Carolina in May with Darin is because I feel bad that I don't have a baby to bring with us. Telling everyone about the first miscarriage was so hard, I felt like a failure. The second time I was not sure I wanted to tell everyone we were pregnant again but it was to exciting not too! Telling everyone about the second miscarriage was a little easier but still made me feel like I had let everyone down again. I want to say if/when we get pregnant again we wont tell anyone but I don't know if that is true. Maybe it will be to exciting not to tell everyone or maybe I will be to afraid of letting everyone down again if something goes wrong. Maybe the Clomid wont even work and I will have nothing to tell or not tell.