WHAT IF?????

I watched this video on a fellow bloggers blog and it got me thinking. (Magen you post some awesome stuff!!!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEURQqzKjuY&feature=player_embedded


The video makes me think of my own "What if?" Here are a few I have been thinking of recently.

What if I get pregnant again?
What if I lose another baby?
What if I give up?
What if I never even started trying to have a baby?

About half the time this month I am positive and think I am going to get pregnant and this time everything will be great and we will have our baby. The other half of the time I don't think I will get pregnant or I think I will get pregnant and go on to have yet another miscarriage. I am very torn this month! I don't know what to feel or what to think most of the time. Most of the time I say I will never give up trying for a baby but sometimes all I want to do is curl up in a ball and forget about everything. Darin is such a great husband, even on my weakest days he can make me strong.

There was a "What if?" in the video that really made me think. "What if I lose myself along the way?" I feel like in a way I have lost myself. I am not even close to the same person I was a year ago. After the first round of Clomid (April 2010) I feel like infertility has become a bigger part of my life then ever before. Would I have changed this much if I have not been through infertility and the loss of the babies? I don't even think I could come close to answering this question. Infertility is a huge part of who I am and no matter what happens I will always speak up about my struggle.

When I first found out I have PCOS I suffered in silence because I was afraid of being judged and I was ashamed. It was very hard for me and I felt so alone. I read alot of blogs and talked to alot of people online and it helped so much. Knowing there are other people out there going through what I am makes me feel better. Feeling alone and ashamed is not fun at all. I do get some negative comments about talking about infertility and miscarriages but I get alot of comments from people who know and understand what I am going through. At the end of the day I write this blog not only to get my feelings out but to help other people. I want everyone to know they are not alone and there are people out there that understand. I told my husband last night that if my blog only makes one person feel better for 5 minutes that day then it makes it all worth it. If I have to talk about being sick, having sex, my period, hair on my toes, or anything else that is personal so that I can make at least one person smile then I will! Two years ago I needed support and I got it from personal stories that other people were willing to share and I feel like now I have to do the same.

I am a pretty open person and I am not really shy about anything anymore. I feel like I need to help other people because I have become so much more comfortable with my situation. I am not ashamed anymore and I will speak up about my struggle. I hope I am helping alot more people then I know with my blog. I am sure I will always have "What if?" questions and I know I will have some bad days and some great days. My husband and I will get through this together and be stronger a couple because of our struggle!