10 months....

Here I am 10 months after the first miscarriage, 10 months after our dreams were crushed, 10 months later and I remember the night like it was yesterday. I have to say I have been way more emotional because of the Clomid so it is hard to think about the baby with out crying. I remember that night so clearly I go through that night in my head often and think about what I could have done different. I would have fought through the pain and stayed home so I could have held the first baby like I held the second one. I should have insisted on seeing the doctor earlier! Our first child would be over three months old right now. I would have a baby right now but instead I sit here with empty arms. Last year I was pregnant on Mothers day and pregnant on Fathers day. I keep hearing stuff about mothers day and it makes me sad because many people don't see me as a mother. The people who have had miscarriages are more often then not the forgotten parents! My husband is a father and and he always will be. We may not be able to hold our child but we still loved our babies with all our hearts. If a little boy died at age 4 his mother is still a mother no matter what, so why is it different for people like me? I still work very hard everyday to become pregnant and I put my body through hell half the time. If I get pregnant this time I will be afraid that something I do could end the babies life. I am afraid that I will be to scared to enjoy the pregnancy. My husband and I have talked about it and we are ready no matter what. We are ready to have a baby just as much as we are ready to have another miscarriage. It is not the best thing to think about but knowing it could happen and what to expect I think makes it a little easier. Once my doctor says "your uterus cant take it anymore" then we will be done trying. I have talked to a girl online that has had 38 miscarriages, I could not even imagine her pain but she is still strong and still continues to try. It has been a hard week for me, the pills are making me very sick and there have been days that I just want to give up. I think about our babies and I know I cant give up, I think about Darin and how great he is to me and I find strength to keep going.

I started the "months" blogs so I could see where I was emotionally through out this experience. In only two short months it will be a year since we said goodbye. I am a totally different person today then I was before. I would never wish the pain of infertility or miscarriage on anyone but I wish more people could understand what I go through. Sometimes people say something thinking they are being helpful and nice but words hurt alot sometimes. I remember after the first miscarriage how crushed I felt and anyone going through it now please know you are not alone! You will find a way to deal with it and months later it does get easier.

I really cant say enough how great my husband is! He has put up with my crazy mood swings and held me as I cry. There has been times when I just want to give up and never look back but my hubby helps me get through it! I could never thank Darin enough for all he has done for me. He knows what to say to make me laugh and even on one of my really bad days he can put a smile on my face!