Sunday, April 3, 2011

a year ago today

A year ago today (April 3rd) I took my first ever Clomid pill and I quit smoking cold turkey. I did everything I could to be healthy for the baby I was trying so hard to have. The first day of the Clomid made me crazy! I was so emotional and cried about every little thing. I can say with 100% honesty that I have not been the same since that day. My life changed that day and it will never go back to what it was. On April 30th 2010 we found out we were pregnant for the first time and I have to admit I am dreading that day this year. All my dreams came true that day and then every dream was shattered on June 21st 2010 when I lost the baby. If my period is on time this month I should be starting the Clomid on April 23rd, so if I am pregnant I should find out May 23rd. Because of all the stuff I will be doing this time I can not take a home pregnancy test it has to be done with blood. Darin will be in North Carolina so I will either be alone for a great and happy day or I will have time to sit here and deal with the failure alone. If I do get pregnant I have to say I will be excited but I don't think I will that excited. I think I will just sit here and wait to have another miscarriage. The doctors cant tell me if the next baby will be healthy but they also cant tell me if we will lose the next one as well. So we are going to try and just see what happens. I don't see how we could be any more heart broken anyways! Pregnant or not pregnant, miscarriage or no miscarriage, who the fuck knows what is in our future but I am sick of waiting to find out!

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