Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

Tomorrow is the last day of 2010 and I can not believe this year went by so fast. There have been some good times and some not so good times. At the end of 2009 I thought we would get pregnant this year and have a healthy baby. I didn't really have any big plans or resolutions for 2010. All I wanted was to continue the great relationship Darin and I have and to have a baby. Darin and I still have an amazing relationship, if anything we are stronger as a couple then we have ever been. We grow closer more and more every year. In 2010 I have learned not to take anything for granted because it can all be gone tomorrow. I have laughed alot this year and cried even more. I have also learned that my doctors don't care and if I want something I have to fight for it. I have made a few friends and lost a bunch of friends. 2010 taught me the real meaning of pain not just physical but emotional too. I have become better at ignoring what people say to me and I speak my mind alot more. 2010 has showed me I need to live my life to the fullest and feel the way I feel. I don't care if people don't like how I feel and I don't care what people have to say about it. I will let go of all the pain from 2010 when I hold my child in my arms and kiss him on the cheek!!!

My hopes for 2011...I want to get pregnant and have a healthy baby! I will continue to stand up for myself and speak my mind. I will do anything and everything I can to keep the strong bond Darin and I share. I still wont care what people say or think about me. I will do what is right for my family. I will live everyday of 2011 to the fullest and love my husband more each day. Will 2011 be a good year? I don't know. I hope it is a good year full of love and happiness. No matter how this year has been or how next year will be I know I will always have my husband to support me, hold me when I cry, kiss me when I am sad, laugh when I laugh, smile when I am happy, and always love me.

9 days and counting....

My due date is 9 days away. The crib should be set up with the cute bedding set we would have got for Christmas. The rocking chair I wanted should be by the window. The pack and play should be in the living room. Bottles should be washed and put in the cabinet. The closet full of baby clothes, extra diapers and wipes in the closet down stairs. A bag for the hospital should be packed with my stuff and outfits for the baby. Last minute cleaning and organizing should be happening. Trips to Walmart should have the cart full of diapers and last minute things. Plane tickets should be booked for family to be here. Car seat in the car just right for the ride home from the hospital. A name picked for our bundle of joy. We should be happy and excited to bring a new life into this world. We should be nervous to be first time parents. Life would be perfect but the baby died six months ago! I am sad that non of this is going on. I am sad I wont hold my baby in 9 days. I am sad I wont be bringing our first child home from the hospital. I am sad I can never hear our first baby cry or kiss him on the cheek. I am sad just plain sad that I am a mother to a baby I will never hold. Not just one baby but now I am the mother of two babies I will never hold, I will never feed, I will never kiss, I will never hear them cry or laugh, I will never experience what my life would be with them here.

I have alot of good things in life and I am very grateful for what I have! I will never be the person I was before. If you don't like it then I don't need you in my life. I have changed, you can take me as I am or not take me at all. I have every right to be sad and cry for the things I don't have but don't think for one second I am not happy about the things I do have. I don't need to be told "everything will be fine" or "just be happy with what you have and forget what you don't have" I will never forget my children! They will be in my heart forever. I will carry the pain of infertility and miscarriages with me for the rest of my life. This is not something I will just get over. That is not how it works for me. You may want me to be happy all the time and I would love that but no one is always happy. I love the things I have in life. I have the best husband in the world! I know life could be worse.

BLOOD DRAMA

So I go to the lab on December 13th to check my HCG levels(pregnancy hormone) they were 25. The nurse said it is good it is so low and it should be down to 0 in a week. I go back a week later and there is no paper work there to even have the test done and they try to hand me a cup to pee in. I told the lady at the lab what I was there for and she called the nurse. We waited almost an hour for the nurse to walk the paper work across the hall. My levels were not at 0 they were 11, so the nurse said "come back next week" I go in today and again the paper work is not there. I waited about fifteen minutes then I walked across the hall and yelled at the lady. I was not going to wait all freaking day because they forgot to bring the paper over before and they were on lunch. Not going to happen! Finally they bring the paper work over and the nurse called. She said "your levels are now 3.5 you can start having sexual intercourse again but the doctor recommends you wait two months before trying to get pregnant." I said we wont prevent a pregnancy but we wont go on Clomid again until the results of all the test on the baby come back. Then I got off the phone and I was thinking, the last miscarriage they said to wait two weeks before we had sex again. This time no one said "don't have sex" so we have been having sex for a while. I feel like I have to be my own doctor sometimes. I guess nothing really bad can happen because no one made a point of saying "don't have sex" but who knows? I am sick of sitting in the lab waiting room and seeing all the pregnant ladies. I should have a baby in ten days!!! I am glad 2010 is ending! Somethings have been great and somethings have just been plain shitty! I just hope 2011 is a better year and we can get pregnant and stay pregnant and have a healthy baby. I would give anything or do anything to have a healthy baby.

Christmas?!

Darin and I both have colds and feel like crap so Christmas was spent resting. It is crazy how fast this year has gone by. This Christmas was kind of sad I SHOULD be about ready to pop out a baby OR 10ish weeks pregnant. It is hard that the due date is so close. We should be just a week or two away from having a baby instead we are waiting for the results or test and blood work. Other then thinking about the baby we had a great Christmas. Darin got tons of stuff he wanted and so did I. He got me the most amazing ring! Brittany brought us food, it was so yummy. We watched Lockup all day then hung out in bed and watched Tru Blood most of the night. It is hard being away from family and loosing two babies but Darin is great and I am so thankful that I got to spend the holiday with him. Honestly to me a holiday is just another day. Darin is not always home for holidays or important stuff so we don't always celebrate on the exact day. This time last year we had just rented the house in Glenburn and we were snowed in due to the big blizzard. We didn't have a tree or gifts but non of that mattered because we were together. We have been in North Dakota over a year and sometimes it feels like forever and other times it feels like we just left Las Vegas. No matter where we go or what day it is I will always be at home with Darin!

6 months....

Today marks six months since we lost our first baby. One week and two days since we lost our second baby. It is hard, sad, irritating, emotional, etc. I am happy my doctor agreed to run test on the second baby. My due date for the first baby is January 6th and I have been thinking about it alot the last couple days. Right now Darin and I would be picking out the crib and getting the room all set up for a baby. Instead we are mourning another loss and waiting for answers. When we found out we were pregnant in April I would have never thought I would loose the baby. When we found out in November we were pregnant I was afraid I would have a miscarriage but the pregnancy felt alot different, more real. I would not wish this experience on any one but I hope people go through this will step up and talk about it. When we lost the baby and told people about it six months ago I was surprised how many people I knew said "I have had a miscarriage too." I know some people dont like hearing about it and some people don't know what to say when you do talk about it but why do I have to mourn in silence? I choose to talk about my pain and fears so that maybe someone going through the same thing will read this and know it is ok to talk about it! There is no reason anyone has to go through this alone and silent. If you don't want to hear about it then don't read what I write. The best thing you can say to someone going through this pain is "I am sorry for your loss and I am here for you" Unless you have lost a baby do not tell me you know how I feel because you don't. Don't tell me you know a friend who is going through the same thing and she got over it in a week. I will never get over this pain, I will deal with it but it will be with me forever! Six months/one week and two days: honestly it is easier then when it first happened. I still cry from time to time and I am sad that the due date is so close and I will not be bringing a baby home from the hospital. I am trying to not think about it all until we get all the test results. I hope they come back good but I am afraid I will never be able to carry a baby. I think this miscarriage is alot different then last time because this time I have Brittany. She is a great friend and when I start to get really upset she reminds me of the positive and she is here for me when I need her. She is a great friend and we have alot of fun while we are together. It is easy to not think about the baby while I am laughing and joking with friends.

i love picnik.com

Brittany told me about picnik.com and i love it!!! i have done at least 15 pictures lol. here are a few...

Christmas Party

I had such a great time!! It was a much needed break from thinking about the baby and infertility. Brittany is such a great friend!!! All of us laughed so hard and had tons of fun! Here are some pictures from the night....

Sorry it has been so long

I have been really busy. I got a letter in the mail and everything I brought to the doctor from the miscarriage is going in for test! The letter said the results can take up to three weeks. I really hate waiting but I am pushing it to the back of my mind and I will not make myself crazy thinking about it for three weeks. Some days I cant believe I lost another baby and other days I think maybe it was all meant to be. A friend last night told me that maybe I am going through all this to be a spokes person for it and help other ladies going through the same thing. I try to stay strong and sometimes it is easy but other times I just want to sit here and cry. Some days I am glad my husband and I are dealing with this and getting stronger through the process and other days I feel like a failure and just want to give up trying to have a baby. My husband has been my rock and I have been his. I really do think we were meant to be together and we were made for each other. We may argue about little things from time to time but we are best friends and that will never change.


Last night we went to Brittany and Will's house for a little Christmas party. I am still in some pain but it was so much fun. I am so glad we went! I have not laughed that hard in a long time. It was so cute watching the guys play video games! We exchanged Christmas gifts and ate tons of food. They really are great friends and I am so lucky to have them in my life.

We put the Christmas gifts under the tree today and so far Shadow and Spooky have left them alone. The did take two of their gifts but we let them open them and they played with them for a while. I am so glad we have a real tree this year!!

Last night was the night

I had the miscarriage last night at about 11:30pm. It was not as painful this time as it was last time but it still hurt. I did not go to the ER this time because I wanted the baby so I could bring it to the doctor. It was so weird looking at my baby in the palm of my hand. The nurse called this morning and said she would talk to the doctor and see what he wants to do. I am fighting for what I want this time and Tricare backs me up. I have talked to at least five doctors this morning and re telling the story over and over makes me cry. It is hard enough to loose a baby but now I have to tell everyone over and over again just to find help. I don't want to wait till my fourth pregnancy to even be tested for low hormones or anything else. It should and will be done next pregnancy. We have been trying to have a baby for three years. I have gotten pregnant two out of the three times I have taken Clomid, and had two miscarriages within six months. There has to be something wrong and I want to know. I don't want to keep blaming myself if it is not my fault but I wont know until I can find a doctor that will help me. We are looking into PCSing for medical reasons because I cant get the care I need and there is a infertility specialist but he only come here once every four months (I am on the waiting list) and a phone consultation with him is $375. I will gladly pay that if it will be helpful!! I feel alone (Darin and my friends are great I mean alone because the doctors wont help)! I need and want the doctors to help me and they don't want to do anything. My doctor right now wants to do blood work tomorrow to see where my HCG levels are but wont even do an ultrasound to make sure everything has passed. I was told this morning if I feel light headed or dizzy from loss of blood that I can call them or go to the ER. I love and miss both my babies and I will fight as hard as I have to to not loose another baby! I don't care what anyone thinks, Darin and I will fight for what we want done no matter what other people say. I have every right to be sad and upset right now. I know I will be happy again but I will never be the person I was and if you don't like it then I don't need you in my life. I will never forget or get over my loss, my babies will forever have a place in my heart. From time to time I might have a bad day and all I can ask of my family and friends is let me have my bad day because tomorrow is always better.

"go home and wait to miscarry"

"Go home and wait to miscarry" is what I was told yesterday after my ultrasound. They found a 6 week fetus (it should have been 8 weeks) with no heart beat. The baby died one to two weeks ago. The doctor did not recommend a D&C or offer me pain killers. I am not in any pain yet but if this time is like last time it is going to hurt. I was reading online and it sounds like I had a Missed Miscarriage but I guess the doctor didn't think that or care. I am mad that the doctor did nothing but send me home. I know the baby is not going to have a heart beat again but he could have at least giving me pills to induce a miscarriage. I am sitting here pregnant with my dead baby just waiting. This time around is alot different not only physically but emotionally. It is hard for sure but this time unlike last time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Last time it felt like the end of the world and everyone said it would be ok but at the time it just felt like shit. This time I know it will be ok, we got through it once we will get through it again. I know my baby died and the doctors cant do anything to change that but I would like more attention or something other then being told to go home and wait.

I am really sad this is happening again! I want to be able to get pregnant and carry the baby full term and have a healthy baby. I want to know why I am having miscarriages but doctors here in Minot don't want to do any kind of test until I loose a third baby. I am confused why my doctor would say "get pregnant again and miscarry again and then I will help you figure out what is going on." I feel like a failure, I should be able to get pregnant easy and have a healthy pregnancy. Maybe the miscarriages are not my fault but until I know for sure they feel like my fault. I am the one with the issue getting pregnant and maybe it is me that cant carry a baby. I cant think of anything I do wrong during the pregnancy! I eat right, I don't drink or smoke, I don't have caffeine, no deli meat, I drink milk to give the baby calcium even though milk makes my stomach hurt sometimes. Maybe there is something wrong with my hormones, or my blood, or maybe my uterus is tilted, something! I don't know why the doctor wont just help me figure it out! I don't want to do this again just to get answers I want answers now so that next pregnancy will be healthy and last nine months! This is not what I had in mind for Christmas but I cant change it so we have to deal with it.

I have some great friends in Minot!! They have got together and are making Darin and I dinner for the next week. It is great to have an awesome support system! We all may complain from time to time about this place but in the end we are here for each other!

I had rather have a fool make me merry, than experience make me sad

I sit here in bed, in the dark. The only noise is Darin breathing, Shadow and Spooky playing, and me typing. I had a dream last night that I was nine months pregnant in the hospital the day before I was being induced and everything was fine, the baby was healthy! Then I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom and there was a little blood. Being pregnant this time compared to last time just feels different. It feels so much more real this time. I am trying to be positive. Come Friday everything will be fine and this will turn into a little bump in the road. Then I think what if something happens? I don't want to loose my baby again, I don't want to disappoint everyone again. I want to have a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy. I have done everything I can right! I don't know what I am fucking up! I sit here crying not only for the baby but for myself and most of all for Darin. I don't want to make him deal with this again, I don't want to hurt him again! I want to be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby! Is that too much to ask for? I hate that we have to wait till Friday to see if the baby is ok.

Three Years Married!!!

Today is our three year anniversary! It has been a great day. We had french toast for breakfast and then went to the post office and went shopping. We went out for lunch and got a few more Christmas decorations. We are not exchanging gifts this year because we got each other alot of gifts for Christmas. Right now we are going to fold some laundry and put it away.

I went to the bathroom and noticed a little blood so we are waiting for the doctor to call back. It has put a damper on the day but the good news is I am not in any pain. I really hope everything is ok I don't want to loose the baby. I hope the doctor calls soon so we know what he wants us to do. I have an ultrasound on Friday but he may want me to go in today. I guess we will just wait and see.

I really hope the baby is ok. I HATE waiting!!!

UPDATE: the nurse called and said the doctor told her there was nothing they could do and I just need to wait till the ultrasound on Friday. She said I could go on bed rest if I could and if I wanted to. Darin and I talked about it and I am going on bed rest (thank goodness Darin is off) I have spotted three times but that is all. I hope everything is ok come Friday. Thanks everyone for the well wishes.

My Husband!!!

My husband is truly amazing! He is so sweet and cares about me so much. It has been snowing all day and he had to work, he told me not to shovel and just relax. He doesn't want me doing to much because he is afraid something is going to happen to the baby. I feel bad not keeping up on the driveway like I did last year but I know it is better for the baby if I don't. I hate just sitting here not doing much but I know in the end it will all be worth it. I am still cooking and getting up to pee but that is about it. Tomorrow I am going to a friends house to watch the movers move his stuff in then I will come home and rest. We are going out this weekend to get our Christmas tree! The doctor has not put me on bed rest but he did say to take it easy. I think I will just switch off, one day go shopping or walk and rest the next day, and still cook everyday I think everything will work out great. I am so lucky to have a husband that helps me around the house and tells me to sit and do nothing. I don't know what I would do without him. Darin means the world to me and I am so grateful to have such a great man by my side. He is a wonderful husband and I know he will be an awesome father!!! I love him with all my heart!!!

One Year in North Dakota

Today marks one year since we got to North Dakota. It has been one hell of a year. First we arrived in North Dakota and were homeless for a month. We finally found a tiny pet friendly rental. We were so cramped in that house but looking back it was a very cozy home. We started more test for the infertility issues. We got some great news, Darin's sperm is perfect. Darin moved up in rank. We got a house on base. I started Clomid, we had tons of baby making sex and it worked. We got pregnant with our first baby and could not be more excited!!! I went to Vegas for my sisters graduation. I am still so proud of her! I got back to Minot and shortly after I had a miscarriage. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the baby we lost. My sister came for a visit and we took road trips around North Dakota. My favorite place we went was the center of North America. There was a big museum and a great place to eat. Darin went to Texas for some training for about two weeks. I took Clomid again and it didn't work. Then the next month I took it again and it made me ovulate. Shadow turned 3 and not to long after Darin turned 26. We took a road trip to see Sitting Bull's grave site in South Dakota. That was alot of fun! I turned 23 and I had a white birthday for the first time in a very long time. I learned how much I hate dogs and cant believe I have dealt with it for so long. We had a few people over for Thanksgiving and it was such a great day. I am so glad people came and the food was so good. Again we had lots or baby making sex and it worked again. We found out not to long ago that we are pregnant again. We had an ultrasound the other day and were able to see the babies heartbeat! It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I think that is about it. I am sure I probably missed some stuff but you can read past blogs to get up to date with my life. Right now we are just trying to spend as much time together as we can, getting ready for Christmas, and we are hoping this pregnancy goes full term. It feels different this time, more real if that makes any sense. Thanks for reading!!

Black Friday!!!!!!

Darin, Brittany, Will, and I went to walmart at midnight. It was crazy busy and the lines were so long. We got tons of stuff! It was alot of fun but I don't think I will do Black Friday shopping again. It was really crowded and people are just rude. I am happy that we got almost everything on our list. We spent a little over $400 but it was worth it for sure. We were in Line to check out for like an hour and a half! Not only did we get some good stuff but it was a great experience.

Brittany is such a great friend! I can not even imagine what my life would be like right now if I did not meet her. She brought me a Happy Meal tonight and it totally hit the spot. We had so much fun shopping together last night.

We got home at about 2:30am and went to sleep at about 4am. I could not sleep good and ended up getting out of bed at 10am. I went and had more blood work done then got a call from the nurse and had to go back in. I really hate driving into town all the time but that last time was so worth it!

I am so lucky to live the life I do! I have such an amazing husband. He means the world to me and I love him with all my heart!

Thanksgiving!!!

I feel so lucky to be able to open my home to guys who had no place to go on Thanksgiving. It was a great day, everyone was so nice and loved the food. Brittany helped so much and made an amazing cake! After all the food was eaten and leftovers were packed for everyone the guys played video games. I have never had Thanksgiving with friends it is usually with my family. After moving here I knew I wanted to host as many holidays as I can. It is different with friends instead of family but it is alot of fun. I love getting to know new people and talking for hours. I really hope everyone had a great time, I know I did. At the end of the night while the guys played video games I cleaned up and did tons of dishes. It was alot of work but totally worth it. I cant wait for Christmas! As of right now they have to work but I will make sure I cook early so everyone can eat before work.

My 23rd Birthday!!!

Yesterday was my birthday! I have to say it started off kind of crappy. I was mad I could not get breakfast in bed. There was too much snow for Darin to do get anything and we had taken apart the stove to let the stuff soak before we washed it the night before so he could not cook anything. Although he did heat me up some pizza and bring it to me on the couch. We had to go out and shovel even though we bought a snow blower! If we used the snow blower we had no place to put it after, if we put it back in the entry way all wet it would have ruined the floor and if we put it in the garage the dogs would have peed on it and ruined it. There was like six and a half inches of snow but it was pretty light and easy to shovel. I cleaned off the car and truck while Darin did most of the shoveling. I was just annoyed and irritated in the morning but Darin made my day so much better. We made pigs in a blanket together and snuggled on the couch to watch tv. Darin ran to the store last night to get some watter for Thanksgiving and he came home with Carrot Cake!! He put some candles in it and we had cake. It was so so sweet. It was a great day because I have a great husband!

5 Months...(a day late)

Yesterday marked 5 months since the miscarriage. Let me explain why I am a day late. I did not forget but my husband kept me so busy yesterday that I did not even think about it. To compare yesterday to the day I lost the baby: it is so so different. I still think about the baby and cry but not often. There is so much going on this week and just in my life. I will never forget that baby but the pain is easier. I sometimes think about where I would be in the pregnancy now and it makes me sad. I should be getting ready to have a baby in January! Instead I am getting ready Thanksgiving dinner and starting all over again.

When I first had the miscarriage I cried everyday. I still have alot of questions that I wish I had answers for! I don't cry everyday now maybe once or twice a week about the baby. It is never crying for hours like before. I just shed a few tears for the baby, for the memory, for the what could have been, and for myself.

Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out

My birthday is Sunday and I am pretty freaking excited! We have to go food shopping for Thanksgiving but that should be kind of fun. We might be going to Buffalo Wild Wings for my birthday but we will see. Thanksgiving is on Thursday and I feel like I still have so much to do. I don't have to much left to clean but there is tons of food that needs cooking. We are making: Turkey, Chicken Parm, mashed potatoes smooth and lumpy, roasted potatoes, stuffing, salad, veggie tray, bread, green beans, corn, cranberry sauce, pie, gravy, and more! It is going to take forever but it will all be worth it! I think we will have about ten people here but we invited like twenty so who knows. It is going to be a busy week and I can not be lazy I have to get everything done. I am so going shopping on Black Friday then online shopping for Cyber Monday!!!

Darin went to a friends mom's house to spend the night so him and his friend can go hunting early in the morning. I really hope he gets a deer! If he does I am sure we will have deer meat for a while.

November 23rd (Tuesday) is one year since we left Las Vegas to move to Minot. November 28th is our one year anniversary in Minot, North Dakota. I will have to post a blog on that day looking back on our year here.

As Thanksgiving grows closer I cant help but miss my family more and more. Thanksgiving was always a great day and tons of fun. They even celebrated Thanksgiving early last year so we could be there before we moved. I am excited that Darin and I now have the chance to start our own traditions.

Bad Dreams

I always remember having bad dreams. When I was younger I had two bad dreams that would repeat and it sucked. Before we moved I had a bad dream about a Lion that scared the crap out of me and it repeated for at least a year and a half. When we moved all my bad dreams stopped! It was great to only have happy or weird dreams. Then a few months ago I had a dream that I was making Cinnamon Rolls and Darin walked in the house and said "I am leaving you" then just left. That dream really bothered me but I have not had it since that night. About a week ago I had a dream that I was pregnant and all of a sudden the baby was gone. No miscarriage, no bleeding, and no pain just there one minute and gone the next minute. Then the other night I had a dream I was bleeding. Both dreams really bothered me and I woke right up and could not sleep for a while after. I really don't like having bad dreams as I am sure no one does. I just hope that none of my new bad dreams start to repeat!

Friends

Darin and I had game night with Brittany and Will! It was so much fun. The night was cut a little short because I got sick. We will be doing another game night very very soon! Thanks Brittany and Will for my birthday gift!! I love it so much and I cant wait to put a picture in it and hang it up! Oh and chocolate gravy is so good. I think Brittany wants us to weigh 900 pounds because she tried to send the rest home with us. D not N!! lol

I got an email from a friend tonight and I cried reading it. She is so thoughtful and caring. The email meant so much to me! She is truly a great friend!

I had a really bad dream this morning. I was pregnant one minute and then the next minute the baby was gone. It felt so real I jumped out of bed at 5:30am and could not go back to sleep till almost 7am. It had bothered me all day. I was sitting on the couch crying and Shadow was being so cute cuddling with me while I cried. Once I stopped crying Shadow, Spooky, and I ate some orange yogurt and the way they eat made me laugh. They are so cute!

Right now I am watching Darin play the new black ops. When he is done we are going to snuggle and watch a movie or some tv. I love spending time with my husband! He means the world to me. I love laying in bed with him with my head on his chest just listening to his heart beat. Today may have been a day full of emotions but I am truly lucky!

Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, will it ever end?

Sorry it has been so long. It has been a crazy week in my house and only getting more crazy. Last night was so much fun. Darin and I went out with Brittany and Will and we could not have had a better time! It is so great to make some amazing friends! We are going to have a game night on Monday! (As long as the Air Force does not make the guys work) We are working on getting the house ready for Thanksgiving and believe me it is some slow going. When Darin is not working all I want to do is spend time with him relaxing not cleaning. It is hard to clean all day while he is sleeping because I don't want to wake him up. I need to get a twin size bed frame so we can move that bed into Shadow and Spooky's room sometime hopefully with in the next month. I need to stop getting so annoyed and bothered by the little things. I am just ready for my house to be perfect again! Well I am off to snuggle with my hubby!

To Drive or Not To Drive

We want to go to North Carolina next year to visit family. I do NOT like flying at all and really don't want to go if we have to fly. To drive to North Carolina from here is only like twenty five hours but if we go to Vegas first it is twenty two hours to Vegas then thirty eight hours to North Carolina. If Darin can't get alot of time off work then driving may be out all together. I would want to go to Vegas first so we can drop off Shadow and Spooky so my mom can watch them so we would have to stop there on the way home too. In my head it sounds like the perfect plan but after saying it out loud it sounds crazy that I would drive out of my way so mom can watch the cats instead of just having a friend come over here once a day and feed them. I really don't like leaving Shadow and Spooky alone. Since the miscarriage I just feel like if I am not with them or watching them something bad is going to happen. I know it is a little crazy but I really feel if I leave them for too long they might die or something. If we don't drive Darin will fly but I really do not want to fly ever again. Even if we get stationed over seas I will be on a boat. I truly do hate flying! I guess I have more then enough time to change my mind but this is how I feel right now. Crazy huh? Well I guess that is all for tonight.

Getting Ready...

Well it is after Halloween but before Thanksgiving so that means it is time to clean and get the house ready. We are having Thanksgiving here at the house this year. I am going to Hobby Lobby today to get the invitations today! I love Hobby Lobby, I could spend hours in that store. I think after Thanks giving we are going to get a real Christmas tree! I am pretty excited to see how Shadow and Spooky react to a tree. My birthday is coming up and I can't wait. Oh I almost forgot I finally got Skype. Sorry it is a short blog but not much is going on and I have to go get ready to go out.

Halloween

First let me say Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love candy, being scared, and the fall season. I love carving pumpkins and I use to like dressing up. This year Darin is working and I am sitting in bed watching scary movies. I will not be handing out candy this year. I really don't think I could do it alone. I know it sounds stupid that I need my hubby to help me pass out candy but I do. I know I will cry and be too emotional. Not only do we not have kids but I would be 7 months pregnant and all the kids dressed up and the pregnant mothers will just remind me of that. Maybe it is mean or selfish but I don't really care. What is better being happy watching movies or passing out candy to kids while I cry? I think I will pick movies and happy. Maybe next Halloween will be different but for now I am happy doing what I am doing. I made Halloween cupcakes for my friends sons kindergarten class the other day and they came out great. My friend said everyone loved them. It was tons of fun and Darin even helped a little. Here is an example of how emotional I have been: My friends son gave me a spider ring and my friend said while they were getting them his son said "daddy I am going to get one for Brianna" I totally cried. He is five and it is just so cute that he thinks of me.

We are going to get the pottery we painted on Tuesday and I can't wait to see them. I am sure they came out great! My birthday is coming and I am pretty excited about it. I love birthdays even though it means I am getting older. Ok well I am off to watch some movies! Have a great night everyone.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

October 16th till October 24th

Darin had time off work and it was a much needed break. We had a big list of stuff we wanted to do. Some things didn't get done but were replaced with even better things. We went fishing in Glenburn North Dakota and we both caught a fish. I even held a fish! We had a picnic in the truck while we were there. It was a little windy but a great time. We drove about an hour outside of Minot to see a Buffalo Ranch, we were disappointed because they were not doing tours anymore. We got some Elk steaks, Buffalo steaks, Buffalo hot dogs, and a few other things. All and all it was not a bad little drive. Darin and I always have the most fun on road trips getting a little lost. We drove down this long dirt road trying to find the ranch and it was crazy scary. There were rocks everywhere and really high hills but it turned out to be pretty fun. We also took a road trip to Sitting Bull's grave site in Mobridge South Dakota. It was about a four hour drive and alot of fun. I got a South Dakota magnet and we talked to the nicest old lady, she gave us so much information and was very helpful. We had some lunch at the Pizza Ranch and it was really good. The grave site was amazing. We took a different road back to North Dakota so we could stop at the other grave site at Fort Yates North Dakota. Also on the way back we stopped at a casino mainly so I could pee but we did gamble a little. We didn't win anything but we got a calender with all the upcoming events and if Darin is off we will go back. We got to Bismarck North Dakota just as it was getting really dark. The drive from Bismarck to Minot in the dark is no fun. There are no street lights and the road is scary when you can hardly see. Darin made fun of me the whole time because I was driving slow and having a mini freak out. We got home safe and Darin went out with a friend that night. We watched alot of movies and did alot of shopping while Darin was off. We carved a pumpkin together for the first time. Darin's birthday was alot of fun, I got him the breakfast he wanted and we had cake after dinner. It was really a great week. I had alot of fun and I am glad Darin enjoyed himself. Now we are back to our normal routine. It is snowing in Minot today and really windy. Darin is off tomorrow and it is going to be perfect weather to snuggle up, drink hot cocoa and watch movies. I love my husband so much, he is such a great man! Here are some pictures from our week.

Thoughts of a Crazy Infertile or Crazy Thoughts of an Infertile

Today was the day for blood work. The nurse called with great news. I ovulated!!!! I am so happy and excited. After last month I was afraid the Clomid would never work again and we would have to go one to other things. I may not be pregnant but ovulating is a step in the right direction.

I took a pregnancy test today even though it is way to early (it was negative.) I am now going crazy. I want to be pregnant! I am afraid that if I am pregnant I will do something wrong and loose the baby again. Since I found out I ovulated I have hardly moved. I am scared to do to much. I know it sounds crazy, I am afraid of loosing a baby that I may not even have right now but I cant help the way I feel.

I feel like I am crazy half the time. I feel two completely different emotions at the same time! I am so excited I ovulated, I only wish Darin was home so I could share the good news. I should find out if I am pregnant or not on or around November 5th so check back for any news.

My head and back are bothering me so I am going to lay down. Have a great night.

Here is a picture of Darin with his cake on his birthday and a picture of our pumpkin!

4 Months...

It has been a really busy week. Darin is on leave so we have been going out and having a great time. Today marks four months since the miscarriage. I have been so busy with other things it has kept my mind occupied. It has been hard off and on. I miss our baby so much but I hope to get pregnant this month. I want to hear my babies heart beat and see the ultrasound! I don't really know what to say other then things I have already said. I am sick of people telling me "it will happen when it is meant to be" What the FUCK does that even mean? Why am I not "meant" to be a mother right now? Why was I "meant" to have a miscarriage? I really want people to think before they talk to me or just don't talk to me. If someones child died of cancer you would not walk up to them and say "well it is ok because it was meant to be" Just because I am infertile and had a miscarriage does not give you the right to say anything you want to me. I know alot of people don't know what to say so why not just say "I am sorry and I am here if you need me" Don't tell me it is not big deal because we can adopt and don't tell me you will carry my baby for me because I don't want you to carry my baby. I want children but I want to be pregnant too.

Today compared to one month later is alot better. Tons of people said "it will be ok" and I would not say it is ok but it is better. It still hurts and I still cry about it often but I have to admit I never thought the pain would get better. Instead of a knife in my heart it feels more like a small needle. Maybe one day it will only feel like a paper cut.

Be grateful for everything you have today because tomorrow it could all be gone!

Week of Birthdays!!!

This is going to be a fast post tonight. Darin has started his leave and we are loving it!!! We want to go out of town but I am so afraid something bad is going to happen, to the house or to Shadow or Spooky. I know it sounds crazy but I cant help the way I feel. After moving to North Dakota and not having a place to live and the miscarriage I feel like I need to stay close to the cats and my stuff just in case I need or want something. I am really trying to get over my fear, maybe this will be the week I get over it.


Shadow turned three years old yesterday!!! We said happy birthday tons of times but didn't do much else. We got Shadow when he was four months old. He was four pounds and very mean the first day we had him. He would not let me pick him up and I really thought I might have to bring him back. He got better after a few days and he is an amazing cat now! He is just so cute and always cuddles with me when Darin is working and I am upset.


Darin's birthday is coming up and I am pretty excited about it. We got him a new bag to use for work and those toe shoe things. I think they look weird but he loves them! Oh and I got him a DVD so he had something to unwrap on his actual birthday.

Well that is all for tonight! I am going to spend some much needed time with my hubby!!! I love him with all my heart!!

Wave Of Light 7pm!!!

In the United States one in 8 women are effected by Breast Cancer. One in 3 are effected by Pregnancy and Infant loss. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Please light a candle at 7pm in your time zone in memory of all the little lives lost and in support of all the families that have ever suffered a loss such as this. I will be lighting a candle for our angel baby *June 21st 2010* not a day goes by that I don't think of that baby. Right now my belly would be growing and my due date would be growing closer, instead I am extra emotional, laying down after sex, and crying because I am trying all over again. I will now always be a mother but I cant show you a picture of my baby and you cant hold my baby. Pregnancy loss is not talked about often. It is hard to talk about and even frowned upon to talk about. I will talk about it because other ladies who are going through the same thing should not be alone because some people don't want to hear about it. Being infertile then having a miscarriage is different then getting pregnant right away and having a miscarriage. Maybe not worse or maybe not better but different. A person who gets pregnant right away and has a miscarriage can then go on and get pregnant right away again. I am not that lucky, I may never get pregnant again and I will always think "what could I have done differently to hold on to that pregnancy." I went to lunch with Darin yesterday and I cried, I hate that I still cry about the baby and the infertility. I want to be hopeful and I want to be happy but in the back of my head is the fear that I will never be pregnant again. Please light a candle tonight at 7pm not just for my baby but for all the babies that were taken too soon!

Bad Night!?

Well yesterday was the last day of the double dose of Clomid. I am laying in bed watching Teen Mom. I really hate this show, it makes me upset and I cry every time, but I cant seem to stop watching. People really don't understand how hard it is to be infertile unless they are infertile. I hate that we are trying to get pregnant again. I was pregnant and I thought we were done! I have always wanted a big family but after I found out I was pregnant I didn't care how many I would have I just wanted my infertility journey to be over. I have to say in a weird way I am glad I am crying and really emotional. Last month the Clomid didn't make me so emotional and it didn't work so maybe being more emotional is a sign that it worked this time. We went to the pumpkin patch with a friend and his son the other day. It was pretty fun but hard at the same time. I cried while we were there, it was hard to see all the kids playing. I just kept thinking "I should be seven months pregnant" and "will I ever have a child that could play here." I guess today is just one of those days. I feel sad and wish Darin was home so I could talk to him about it. I don't really know what else to say tonight.

be thankful for everything you have today because it could all be gone tomorrow

It has been a while since my last blog. I have been pretty busy and Darin is working non stop. I am having a yard sale tomorrow and Saturday! I love yard sales! I started a double dose of Clomid today so it may not have been the best weekend to plan a yard sale. So far it has made me pretty emotional. I have cried a bunch today. I have no clue what I am making for dinner tomorrow night. I guess I don't really have much to write tonight sorry. I should be trying to sleep because I have to be up really early tomorrow but it is hard to sleep. I am really sick of people complaining about their husbands working. Darin has only had two days off since September 8th and you don't see me complaining. Yes it would be nice if he had some time off and could help me with things but he is working and there is nothing I can do about it. Your husband hardly ever works you have nothing to bitch about! Ok that is enough venting. Shadow, Spooky, and I are all laying in bed, they are so cute. Spooky is sleeping on my pillow and Shadow is laying next to my legs giving himself a bath. Oh I almost forgot I made pumpkin cookies and pumpkin pancakes and they came out so freaking good. I have been in a baking mood for the past couple of days and I think I am going to bake again tomorrow after the yard sale. Well I am going to watch Family Guy and try to sleep. Goodnight all!!!

October 1st

Well September has ended and went by so fast. I feel like since the miscarriage the days, weeks, and months are just flying by. Today is October 1st and for me that means very different things. Only 20 days till my husbands birthday! It brings new beginnings, I am on the Provera so I can expect my period any day now and I am already in pain (thank you PCOS). On cycle day 3 I will start the double dose of the Clomid and honestly I don't know how to feel about it. I am excited because I want it to work but then I think "what if it doesn't work" a single dose of Clomid makes me emotional and crazy, a double dose is only going to make it worse. I will deal with it and hopefully we get pregnant this time! I would have been 28 weeks pregnant for Halloween and I was really excited to hand out candy and look nice and pregnant. Now I am not sure I even want to do anything. When I was pregnant I thought to all the holidays and how pregnant I would be and now that I am not pregnant it is hard. I feel like a failure. I should be able to get pregnant and carry a baby with no issue, that is what ladies do! I hate that I can not give my husband a child right now! October should be a great month, it is my favorite month. Although this year feels different. Maybe it is not just about the baby maybe it is because we are not in Las Vegas anymore. Who knows? Some days I am happy and think positive most of the day and then there are days like today where I just want to snuggle with my husband and cry. I hate PCOS! I hate infertility! I hate being a failure! I hate pregnant people who rub it in my face! I guess October 1st is a day full of hate, anger, sadness, and a little happiness for me. I hope everyone else is having a better day.

Will This Nightmare Ever End???

I have decided that if I am not pregnant by next summer we are going to take some money out of the savings account and plan a trip to Disney World. It may not be the best place for an infertile to go but I want to have fun and go on a vacation with Darin. We have gone away together but always to visit family. Why save all this money for a baby that we may not have for years or ever. We should enjoy it the best we can. I am hoping we will be out of Minot by then and at a new base, maybe even a base in Florida and we can drive to Disney World. Everything I do and everywhere I go I think about "if I am pregnant" "if we have kids" When I go shopping to buy some new clothes I get them a little bit bigger just in case I am or get pregnant I don't want to have to waste money on more clothes. I don't smoke or drink at all anymore. I don't like going to places full of smoke because if I am pregnant I don't want it to hurt the baby. I eat crazy healthy and try not to cheat on my diet as much as I use to. I walk by the baby stuff in a store and try not to cry. I hear a baby crying in a store and I want to cry or punch the parent for not making them stop crying. I get so mad when people complain about being pregnant. I would do or give anything to be pregnant again. I would love to have what so many people take for granted. I wish for one day I could do whatever I want and not think about being pregnant! It would be a relaxing day in my head. For those of you who are not infertile you may think I sound crazy and maybe I am but I cant help the way I feel. Some days I want Darin to leave me so he can go on and have the children he wants with someone who can give him a family. I know he would never leave me but it makes me feel horrible that I am putting him through this nightmare. I feel like my life is a waste, I cant do the one thing I was meant to do. Life is simple, you are born, go to school, get a job, get married, and have a baby. I have never not wanted to be a mother. I hate that I have to go through this and people who should not have kids are on their 3rd or 4th. I know life is not fair but I cant help and think "why me?" I am trying to be positive but I really just need one day when I don't have to think about it, I don't have to have my blood taken, I don't have to take any pills that make me sick, and I can just relax.


Ok on to other news. Darin and I will be having Thanksgiving at our house this year. I am pretty excited about it. I love cooking and hosting parties. I don't think I will be making a turkey but everything else should be pretty traditional unless I decide to do Italian this year. I am sure I will change my mind a million times before then. We have already done alot of Christmas shopping and most of the gifts are already wrapped. I know it is really early but I love being ready.

The Results Are In!!!

The nurse called yesterday and she really is a bitch! she said my progesterone levels were 4.something so I asked if that meant if I ovulated and she laughed and said she had no clue. Then she reads the stupid paper and says oh its right here "did not ovulate up dose of clomid next month" then she continues to laugh and says "oh maybe I should have read it better" I was reading online and it said most OB's see anything over 2 as ovulating and they did the blood work a day sooner then they should have. I really don't like the doctors up here. I am not a medical professional but I know what blood work and when I need it done and they just ignore me. It was hard news to take yesterday. I hate that it worked the first time and did not work this time. As soon as she said I did not ovulate I started crying and the stupid bitch was laughing like it was no big deal. To me it is a big deal this is my life I would love if she could have read the stupid paper before calling me and delivered the news with respect. She said it like she was telling me I needed a band-aid. Every time she calls me she is rude and mean. When I go to see the doctor I don't deal with her so for now I am putting up with it. If she makes me cry again or pisses me off I am going to report her and change doctors.

Maybe I am just more hormonal and emotional but I am struggling with infertility I need someone who is going to deliver bad news in a nice way. I would have been upset the Clomid didn't make me ovulate either way but I did not need to listen to her laugh and really have no clue what to tell me before she called. Is it that hard to read a piece of paper before you dial my number?

Yesterday morning was a pretty bad morning but then Brittany came over. I taught her how to make one of my favorite recipes and we had a lot of fun. It took my mind off the news and the stupid nurse for a while. Then I helped Amy decorate the front of her house and we went for a walk. The day got better but the news still sucks. I am going crazy thinking of all the ways the test could be wrong. They did do it a day early! Maybe I just need to except the fact that it didn't work and move on.

Darin went to a friends house last night and had tons of fun. He got to shoot some guns and eat great food. He was to tired to drive home so he spent the night. He is on his way home now and I cant wait to see him.

Weekend OFF????

Today has been a crazy day!

I went in for the blood work this morning. I cried on the way there and on the way back. I really hope the Clomid made me ovulate this month. If the doctor does not call tomorrow I will call them to find out the results.

Darin has to work this weekend but he is fighting to have it off. He has worked over two weeks straight. The poor guy is so tired and just wants a day off so he can sleep, relax, and get ready for a test he has to take on Thursday. I feel bad that he is working so much and not getting any time off. I know the Air Force comes first but he needs some rest! I really hope he gets the weekend off!

Brittany and I made tons of cupcakes last night! It was so much fun. I hope the guys that Darin works with likes them. I am going to make them cookies next! I cant wait to make cupcakes for the guys her husband works with.

I want to share this with everyone. A lady on an infertility site said this and it is so very true.

Infertility is a disease with the same mental and emotional effects as being diagnosed with Cancer. It is loss of life and loss of dreams. It is a change in reality from everything you were ever taught in sex ed. "Relaxing" won't fix it. It won't just be cured magically whenever the universe says "you're ready to have kids." Infertility can lead to cancer and other major health problems down the line. Infertility is not Taboo...it is reality.


Sorry this blog is kind of all over the place tonight. I am not feeling to good. Thanks for reading!!!

Three Months Later

It has been three months today since we lost the baby. Right now we are waiting to see if the Clomid worked this month. When I got my period this month I did not cry or feel sad. It was a new start, I got to start the Clomid and try for baby number two. I have read my old blogs from the first and second month and I have to say I am in a way better place now. Yes I am still sad and some things still piss me off but it is easier now then I ever thought it would be. I still think about the baby and I think about what it would be like now if I was still pregnant. I am so excited for Halloween but I think if I didn't loose the baby I would be six almost seven months pregnant. Then again maybe the Clomid worked and I will be pregnant for Halloween. I am torn between sadness and happiness each day. I am sad for a few reasons; the baby, not getting pregnant again, the Clomid makes my hormones crazy, the "advice" I get, Darin is working alot, being away from family, etc. I think the things I have to be happy about are out weighing the sad things more and more. Things I have to be happy about; Shadow and Spooky, Darin is not deployed, family is only a phone call away, the weather is great (I like the cold), our friend is moving up here soon, I am making Halloween cupcakes with Brittany tomorrow, etc. When we got home from the hospital on June 21st I truly didn't think I would ever be happy again until I had a healthy baby, but I find myself alot happier then that day. I am glad I can now go out and not get as jealous when I see someone who is pregnant. I hope one day I wont be jealous at all but I think that will happen after I have a baby. It is still hard sometimes and every night before I go to sleep I think of how my life would be now if I didn't loose the baby. I still cry and right now I still believe I will always cry and have a spot in my heart for that baby. I will forever be a mother to a baby I hold in my heart and I hope I can be a mother to a baby I hold in my arms soon. I will fight forever if I have to and I will never give up. It’s going to be okay in the end. If it’s not okay. It’s not the end.

The only way to have a friend is to be one

I had a great day shopping and hanging out with Brittany. We got tons of shopping done and we had lunch at Mi Mexico! It has been one of the best days I have had in Minot so far. I forgot how much fun a full day of shopping could be. She is coming over on Wednesday so we can bake some Halloween cupcakes. I know it is early for Halloween but the weather in Minot is perfect Halloween weather. Maybe we will watch or listen to Hocus Pocus while we bake. We have been friends on Facebook for a while and I am so glad we have finally met in person! I cant wait for Darin to come home so I can tell him all about my day. I am still so excited about it! Darin and I are going for a long walk tonight as long as it is not raining. Then we are going to come home and drink hot coco, eat some cookies, and watch Hocus Pocus. It should be a pretty great night to follow a great day!

When we hold back on life, life holds us back.

Well let me start off on a good note. I am going shopping tomorrow with a new friend and I am very excited! It should be a fun day. Darin only has to go to work for a little while, he should be off but oh well. I am having a yard sale on October 8th and 9th. I hope it goes well we have stuff that we have not used since we moved.

Tuesday will be three whole months since we lost the baby. It has gotten alot easier but it still hurts. I took the Clomid this month so I hope it works! Friends that got pregnant about the same time as me are announcing the gender and it sucks. Darin is going out with some guys from work on Friday and I was invited but there is a person going that I just don't think I can be around all day. I wont go into the details but I feel bad that I wont go. What is worse? Going and wanting to leave and crying all day or just staying home and not going at all? I know it may seem childish or bitter or whatever but I just know it will upset me way to much. I don't want to put myself through that.

Well that is all for now. I am going to straighten my hair and get ready for bed.

Winter is here!!!

It is getting colder in Minot and we are ready for winter. It is snowing already in North Dakota. We have a couple more things to get and have to organize one more room then we are done. Next week I am going to meet with a nutritionist. Darin and I are eating alot healthier now then we ever were but I want to see if she can give me some more tips and some yummy meal ideas. I go in next week for blood work to see if the Clomid made me ovulate this time. It worked last time so I am keeping my fingers crossed that it works this time. Although I have nothing to complain about all the extra sex has been fun and oddly enough it has kept my mind off the baby. I know I know to much information but that's what happens when you are infertile, you talk about private things that many people who are not infertile don't care to hear. There is not much else going on here. Darin and I got alot of shopping done and the spare room is ready for our friend to stay in even though he wont be here for another few weeks. I will be working on Shadow and Spooky's room this weekend. It needs to be cleaned and rearranged. I need to finish some laundry then maybe do some dishes.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled for this child. I have longed, waited, cried, and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I don't run from their pain. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cant make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

This was posted on an infertility page and it made me cry so hard. I figured I would post it so you could all read.

I really hope the Clomid works again and I have a healthy pregnancy and go on to have a happy healthy baby.

Am I Wrong???

The salute I did for Darin came out great! I am really excited that he got to see it. My morning was pretty great! Then after waking up the second time it is not so great. I really want to get rid of facebook for many different reasons but there are alot of reasons I want to keep it. I just cant decide! Today a girl sent my husband a friends request, that's fine he has tons of friends that are girls and I don't care. He is even friends with ex-girlfriends on facebook and it is fine. This girl is someone I don't like. When we were living at Nellis AFB she told tons of people I was pregnant and asked my husband one day if I was. I called her to ask her about it and she insisted she heard it at a party but could not remember who told her. Her husband now is a man who cheated on his first wife with her, she is now pregnant. Maybe after the miscarriage I am just bitter or whatever. Honestly I don't think someone who would steal someones husband and lie about something that meant so much to me should be on my husbands facebook page. When she was telling people I was pregnant it bothered me not only because we could not get pregnant but because I was smoking. I don't want people to think I would smoke while I was pregnant because I wouldn't. I quite smoking April 3rd and I have not started again even though there have been times I wanted too. Am I wrong for not wanting her to be on Darin,s facebook page?

Last Day of Clomid

I am very emotional and very excited! I am so excited to get to the baby making! We have a real chance this month to get pregnant and I really do hope it happens. I have felt a little crazy the last few days. I cant stop thinking about everything. This blog will probably be all over the place. I do have some good news, a friend of ours will be up here in less then a month. Due to deployments and moving we have not seen him in a while and it will be great to hang out with him again. I am getting closer and closer to finishing my blanket. I thought I would have it done this weekend but I have more yarn left then I thought I did. It should be done and ready to use by the end of the month maybe sooner. Sometimes I don't work on it because Shadow and Spooky try and eat the yarn or just want to play. It is pretty windy outside. Before we moved to North Dakota everyone said the weather sucks and sometimes it does but I love rainy windy days and snow! Ok well I am off to clean a little, have a great night everyone!

Day Three of Clomid!!!

For those of you who do not know what Clomid is; it is a fertility drug that helps me ovulate. I think changing for the happier has changed my experience with Clomid. I am still crying about little things and I am very emotional but this time I feel alot more happy and hopeful. I just hope all my hope and happiness is not wasted. I want the Clomid to work like the first time. Darin and I watched Beauty and the Beast last night I forgot how much I loved that movie and yes it made me cry. Then we watched Blast from the Past and the dad in that movie that built the fall out shelter totally reminded me of my grandfather. I could see my grandfather building one. Darin and I have had a great day. We have gotten so much done! I put post its in the closet so I know how much stuff I have on today's date so I can really see how long stuff last. I totally have an issue with buying in bulk. Some times I feel like I am going to run out of something that I need or not have something. Crazy I know! Well I am off to cook and relax with Darin.

Phone Salute *Friday 6am - 10am on HLN*

Today has been a great day so far. I did a phone salute for Darin that will air on HLN, on Morning Express with Robin Meade. Between 6am and 10am eastern on Friday! I am so excited about it! I cried when I was talking but that's ok. I started Clomid today and I have already cried a few times. Mainly about stupid things like Shadow and Spooky were sleeping together and it was just so cute it made me cry. Yay for being really emotional! I have pretty bad cramps today and my belly hurts a little but other then that today is good. I have been cooking fish because Darin likes it and it is good for us. We had Salmon the other day and Haddock last night. Darin loved them but I am not crazy about fish. I ate it and it was not bad but it is not my favorite thing to eat. I am pretty excited about tomorrow, spending time with Darin just relaxing and watching movies. Right now I am watching Ice Road Truckers and this show is making me more and more excited for winter. I cant wait for it to snow! Ok I have to go finish making dinner now.

Changing For The Happier!!!

To the people who read this that are not infertile you may think this blog is crazy and weird but to the people who are infertile you will know what I am talking about. My period was late and I felt like I did when I was pregnant. I went to the doctor and had a pregnancy test. No need to get the results because my period came this morning. I have cried when I get my period for at least the last year. That fist day when it comes no matter how many symptoms I had of it coming I always cry. I cry because it is another month wasted and a hard reminder of not being pregnant. The last time I got my period I cried because it reminded me I lost the baby, it reminded me that Darin and I would have to start trying again. Darin and I had a long talk yesterday and he told me that I have been very different since the miscarriage but he understands. I want to get back to how I was before but I don't think I can. It was very hard for me and sometimes I am just sad and upset. I am going to try my hardest to be more happy and that started today. This morning when my period came I was not sad and I did not cry! Instead of looking at it as a month wasted I looked at it as a new start. I will be going on the Clomid on September 5th and taking it for five days. I hope it works just like the first time I was on it. I am not looking forward to being extra emotional but oh well. So if we hang out or you see me out and I cry its just the drugs. Last time I was on Clomid I cried about everything! Poor Darin could not even keep up with my reasons for crying. So the point of my blog is to let everyone know I am going to be a happier person and not crying this morning was a huge step for me. If you hear me be negative or sad try to remind me to be happy! Thanks everyone!

when someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure

So this is the week. I would be five months pregnant this week if I didn't loose the baby. It is times like this that make it hard. I feel sick, a lot like I did when I was pregnant, so it is making it harder. I should be excited about an upcoming doctors appointment to do an ultrasound and find out the gender. Instead I am sitting here crying thinking about what could have been. I am not looking forward to my due date. I am sure that day will be even harder then anything now. I am going to the doctor on Wednesday, I am sure she will tell me I have to wait to see if my period is late before they do a pregnancy test. I hate waiting! I guess that is it, if I write anymore I will cry all night.


My little one
You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget


this picture is of me and Darin at the ER when we lost the baby.

Let Them Eat Cake

The weekend was tons of fun. We went out on Saturday night and made some new friends and went to a couple different places. It was my first time going to a bar without smoking and it was so easy not to smoke. It was weird on the way home I could still smell the smoke and it bothered me. The smell of smoke never bothered me when I was smoking. Sunday was a lazy day and Darin got his hair cut. It is raining right now and me, Shadow, and Spooky are just hanging out watching TV. I have felt pretty sick since Wednesday and it does not seem to be getting better. I have a doctors appointment soon so I should find out what is going on. There is not to much going on here. I guess that's all I have to write. Oh I almost forgot! I ordered Darin's birthday cake! (I know it is early) It is going to be a brownie cake with peanut butter butter cream inside, whip cream frosting and fondant bats, pumpkins, black cats, (Halloween theme.) I am so excited about it!

Weekend

Today has been a great day. I have to go to the post office to mail my mom Darin's DVD player so she can bring it back to walmart. I am so excited they have agreed to replace it! It took tons of phone calls but it was worth it. Now we are working on Tricare. They love to take their time when sending important paperwork to doctors. I guess we will just have to wait on them and that is fine. I just hope it does not take to long. Darin is off this weekend! We don't really have any big plans but it should be a fun weekend. Last night I was laying in bed watching TV and Spooky was sleeping next to me. He kept moving and rolling around and snoring, it was so cute! Darin and I went to see The Expendables like a week or two ago and it was really good. I really thought it was going to suck but I liked it and Darin liked it too. Right now Shadow is at the front window trying to catch the bugs flying by. You would think he would figure out by now that he can't catch them. I think tonight Darin and I will have a movie night. Maybe pop some popcorn and snuggle on the couch. I need to run to the food store. I forgot to get sour cream for fajitas. Thanks for reading :)

What isn't today might be tomorrow

I think I really am loosing my mind! I was cleaning the bathroom and felt fine, when I was done I felt sick. The week before I found out I was pregnant I felt like this. I feel like I am going to throw up and I am dizzy and tired. It is not likely that I am pregnant but I did have a dream I was. I really want to switch minds with someone for one day so my thoughts go away and I can relax for a little bit. You all probably think I am crazy! On a side note I am watching COPS and this ladies husband beat her for not having dinner ready. If Darin even tried to beat me for not making dinner I would never make him dinner again. Darin would never beat me for any reason so please don't freak out when you read this. Ok back to the subject. I really do hope I am pregnant! I am going to lay down and hope I feel better soon. Unless I am pregnant then I don't mind feeling like shit.

Negative Day

So because I am crazy and like to pee in a cup, I took an ovulation predictor test and a pregnancy test. Maybe I did not study hard enough, maybe I don't want it bad enough, maybe I did not pee in the cup right, or maybe the test are wrong. Long story short I failed the test, they were both negative. I pretty much knew it was going to be negative but I still sat on the bathroom floor and cried for a while. I feel overwhelmed today and I am not sure why. I want to jump into the future and be done with today! I know everything will be ok because I will make it ok! Smoking used to always make me feel better (I know smoking is bad) it used to calm me down and today is a day I want to smoke again. I am not going to because of the future baby that will be in my uterus but I want to. I want to feel calm and relaxed! The doctor said I should not drink and I am not going to but it would be nice! Please stop telling me I should get drunk and not think about the baby and have sex and I will get pregnant! If I don't ovulate I will not get pregnant, no matter how drunk I get. Last time I checked drinking does not induce ovulation. I guess this day is not as bad as it seems, I am not completely falling apart. I read some quotes that made me laugh and feel a little better. Writing about it right now is making me feel better too! When I have days like this I try to remind myself of how lucky I really am. I need to focus on the positive and let the negative go. It is alot easier said than done! I really am trying to be positive! I am not trying to complain I am just trying to get my thoughts out of my head. I am sorry if it bothers you but I will not watch what I write. If you don't like it then talk to me about it!

Let Your Hopes, Not Your Hurts, Shape Your Future

It has been a few days since my last blog. Not much is going on. Darin and I went to Bismarck the other day and did some shopping. We got a few Christmas gifts (I know its early) I like to be ready! I am really happy Darin is back home, it is great having him here! We have tons of stuff to do Monday so I hope the weekend goes by fast. We got some winter clothes the other day and I think I can say we have enough but I am sure I will buy more before the snow hits. We will begin to stock up for the winter soon just in case we loose power, get snowed in, etc. I like to be over prepared so I am ready for anything. After months we finally got a rug for the living room, Shadow and Spooky love it. I had two cavities filled a few days ago and my mouth still hurts. I never want to get cavities again! We are selling tons of stuff, books, entertainment center, desk, kitchen stuff, etc, to try and make some room for new stuff. I think I got you all up to date. See I said not much has happened.

Time to talk about the baby. It has been almost two months since we lost the baby. I have had alot of good days but sometimes it really gets to me and I just have to cry. When I get my period next month we will go back on the Clomid and try again. I wish it was easy for me to get pregnant. I wish I didn't loose the baby. I wish I didn't know pregnant people who take advantage of it and complain all the time and do things to endanger their children. I wish I could walk through a store and not be bothered by someone who is pregnant. I wish I could read things on facebook and not want to punch people. I wish alot of things but most of all I just wish I will get pregnant again soon and have a healthy baby. I really don't know how Darin puts up with me. I cry alot, I hate going out, I am a bitch sometimes, and I cant give him a child. He is truly the best husband I could ever have! I love him so much.

That's all for now! Have a great weekend!

Happy he is home

Darin is back home and life is slowly returning to normal. Well at least as normal as it can be. We went shopping yesterday and got a fabreeze plug in thing for the cats room, it is on low and is still making the whole upstairs smell really good. I am glad Shadow and Spooky have left it alone, I was nervous they would play with it and i would have to remove it. Before Darin came home I thought I was having trouble sleeping because he was away but now that he is home I am still unable to sleep. I am going to the dentist tomorrow to have my first cavities filled so maybe I am just nervous about that. Darin keeps telling me it wont hurt but I am a little scared. I am sure I will leave there tomorrow and think "that was nothing" but who knows. Darin loves going to the movies and I hate it! Don't get me wrong I love watching movies but I like doing it at home, I hate having to sit there in the uncomfortable chairs for two hours. I told Darin we could go to the movies today and I am pretty excited about it mainly because I want popcorn! I am sure it will be fun and the movie should be good. Darin always picks movies that I don't think I will like then we go and I end up liking the movie more then he did. Oh I almost forgot, we had the new mini blizzard from dq. I love the size but it was still to much for me. I don't really like ice cream, crazy I know. Sorry this blog is kind of all over the place but I am very tired and only got four hours of sleep last night.


Darin rented a car in Texas and the company told him he had to get the insurance. He was told it was mandatory to rent the car so he signed the paper. I talked to the companies customer service and they said it is not mandatory. When Darin turned the car in he told them he did not want the insurance and they said it was too late. I was pissed so I called customer service again, they told me to call the store and if they don't help me to call the regional manager. So I talked to the store and they were rude and said they wont do anything they gave me the number to the group manager who I called a few times and left messages but never heard back from. Then this morning I call the store again to get another number. I talked to the regional manager and she said the money was refunded on Friday. Why would the store tell me no then go ahead and do it? I am glad it is taken care of but how stupid was it to fight with me on the phone and insist nothing can be done then do what I want anyways. I love getting my way! I think it is bull shit they tried to take advantage of us like that. I am sick of people being rude. When I worked and even now when I am on the phone with someone I am nothing but nice. I don't see how rude people get jobs, so many people are looking for work, companies should hire nice people. Being a military wife between deployments, moves, and just day to day life I have to make alot of phone calls. Changing our address with everyone was alot easier then I thought it would be but at the same time people are slow. For example we moved from Las Vegas NV to Glenburn ND so I changed our address with all the companies. Then three months later we moved on base so I called again. One lady said "you just moved not to long ago" I said "I know, my husband is in the military and we are moving on base" she then said "why would you move then move again all in a matter on months?" I repeated what I said. She said "I still don't understand let me transfer you to someone who can help." Really lady? All I wanted to do was change our address I was not aware we could only change our address once. Not to talk crap but when we got to ND it was so much worse. It got to the point I had to immediately talk to a supervisor when I called places because people were rude or did not understand. I am sorry if I have a question that I need answered. It is fine that you don't know what the answer is but how about you do your job and find out or get someone who knows!


Ok well that is enough venting! Shadow and Spooky are running around the house and Darin is on his way home. We should be heading to the movies sometime today, not sure what we are going to see yet. Oh crap I forgot we have to go to the post office to mail boxes to his mom and sister. I hope i remember when it comes time to leave. I better put a reminder in my phone! Thanks for reading!

Just a few pictures

The Longer The Wait The Sweeter The Kiss

After two long weeks my husband will be home tomorrow afternoon! I have always been one of those wives that counted down the days till deployments and long trainings were over. It came to a surprise to me how long these two weeks felt. Two weeks is not a long time and my husband and I have been apart way longer before. I really use to be such a different person. I use to be such a care free person, even after I got married. Deployments came and went and I became more grounded and mature. After every time my husband and I were apart we grew closer when he got home. Finding out it was going to be hard for us to get pregnant made me a more emotional person. Don't get me wrong I have always cried about things. After more test and pills I got more and more emotional. Then the Clomid came; since going on the Clomid I cry about little things, sad things, stress full things, well pretty much everything. When I was pregnant I cried often but mainly happy tears. I was so overjoyed! After the miscarriage I have noticed how extremely different I really am. I am still an emotional wreck. I cry often and not always for any reason. I look at the world differently now and maybe that is not a bad thing. I think of how short life is and how important every moment together really is. I feel excited that my husband is coming home but I have been thinking of the baby. I want to stay strong but days like this I just feel broken. It really is not even the whole day just the past hour and I am sure I will be fine soon enough. Ok on to a happier note. Darin will be on a plane headed for Minot by 6:00am! I can't wait to see him and even more I cant wait to kiss him. I miss snuggling with him! I love my husband so much!!!