the move!

Everyday of the move something went wrong! It was not very exciting but we made it home in time for Christmas Eve!!!! It was nice spending time with my family and being able to relax. Shadow and Spooky did great in the car each day. Right now we are living with my mom and looking for jobs. We are so lucky to have money saved up so we don't have to worry to much about getting jobs right away.

4 years ago today!

Four years ago today I married my best friend! I fall in love with him more and more everyday! I remember being so excited and nervous the day we got married. We didn't even live together when we got married. Our wedding was small but very sweet. Now four years later I could not even begin to imagine my life with out him. I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him! We really are very lucky to have each other. We never fight and we work so well together.

sorry it has been so long!

I got sick on Thanksgiving night and I really wanted to die! Darin went to Game Stop for black Friday shopping and when he got home we went to the ER. I was dehydrated and the doctor said it looks like I have stomach flu. I still feel pretty sick but with all the pills they gave me I am feeling better. I am so thankful to have the husband I do! He has been great, taking care of me and doing stuff around the house. I am so lucky he is here for me!

Baby news/ Infertility news: as you all know we are on a TTC break for now. One year ago today we saw our second baby's heartbeat and it was the most amazing thing I have ever seen! It sucks that we are not trying right now but I know we are doing what is best.

Moving news: we are getting closer and closer to moving and we are both crazy excited! Darin will be going to school and I will be going to bar tending school when we get back to Vegas. Then we will figure out what we want to do after that and where we want to go.

Michelle Duggar is having a baby!

I have seen it all over the internet, Michelle Duggar is pregnant with their 20th child. I have spoke to many people about this and I am one of the few infertiles not upset about it. I have talked to many infertiles and some of them do not have very nice things to say. I love watching 19 Kids and Counting, some of the episodes are hard to watch but most of them are awesome. I love to watch their family and love some of the advice they give. I have always wanted to have a huge family. When Darin and I got married we were not on the same page about how many children we wanted. Now after dealing with infertility and losing the babies we have decided once we have one child we are done trying forever. All in all I am very happy for the Duggar family, they seem like a great loving family. I do get sad when I hear someone is pregnant but only if that person is doing more harm then good. Do I want to hear that someone on welfare is pregnant with baby number 3 and the baby daddy is in jail? Not at all!!! Although I do not mind hearing when great people get pregnant.

November 3rd 2010

One year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the second time. Today has had its hard points. I want so badly to be pregnant but we are taking a TTC break. We have not given up and we never will. It is hard to look back on this day. I was so said our first baby had died and so excited to be given another chance. I remember being so afraid to move! I didn't want anything to go wrong, I wanted to be able to see and hold this baby. Although losing another baby was hard I found a great amount of peace being able to hold this baby. Maybe by this time next year we will be pregnant or have a baby!

a little bit of everything

I am so excited to move and start our lives with out the military. Did I think we may be a military family forever? Yes I did for a bit, but now that we are for sure not staying with the military I am ready to move on. I want to start a new chapter in our lives! Although the military has not been all bad there have been some pretty rough points. I feel like we will finally be in control of our own lives and be able to live the way we want to. We don't know what we want to do when we leave but it is going to be a great adventure figuring it out. To be fair Darin is pretty sure he knows what he wants to do, he is just not to sure where he wants to do it. He will come first no matter what, whatever he wants to do and where ever he wants to go is fine with me. I will find something great to do with my life no matter where we are. I want Darin to love his job and be happy! Right now all we know for sure is we will be living in Nevada for a bit! I am so excited to party in Vegas again!!!

We are not sure if TMO is going to move our stuff or if we are going to do it our selves. Darin wants TMO to do it and I kind of want to do a DITY move. I have already started packing and the only issue I seem to be having right now is not packing everything!

Infertility news ~ I am on CD46 and the blood pregnancy test came back negative. We did not do fertility drugs in September and we were not sure if we were going to do them in October but I guess my body decided for us.

Vent of the day! Not having children does not mean you know nothing about children and it doesn't mean you can not give advice. Can I tell you what it feels like to push out an 8 pound baby? No I cant but can you tell me what it is like to want a child more then anything, finally get pregnant, and then lose the baby? No I am sure you cant.

Yesterday Darin turned 27!!!! He feels old but I think he still looks hott! I have pictures on my facebook page. We got a new computer and had to fix the old one so I have no pictures saved on this computer.

same page?

We have been doing alot of talking about our future. Right now I am on one page and Darin is on another. We agree on most everything but we are not 100% sure where we want life to take us. Thank goodness we still have time to figure it out.

Infertility news! My period is now nine days late. Two at home pregnancy test have come back negative. The last time my period was more then a day late I was pregnant. I am 99.5% sure I am not pregnant but that 0.5% is holding on to every bit of hope that I am pregnant. I think I am going to go to the doctor next week for a blood test. It would be great to be pregnant but we didn't do any fertility treatments last month so it is hard to believe I would even get pregnant.

Moving news! We have no clue what day we are moving or if TMO can pack and move all our stuff. Just in case we have to move ourselves I have already started packing! I have to say I LOVE packing! I am very excited we are staying in the same hotel in Bozeman Montana that we stayed in on the way here.

love!

We will be moving back to Nevada for a few months. I think we are leaving North Dakota in December but that is not for sure yet. I am so very excited to see my family again and live close to them for a bit! We will be taking a road trip to North Carolina shortly after we move to see Darin's family! I am so excited to be starting this new adventure with my husband!

A few months ago and even just last week I was so focused on things in the past that I wanted to do over or change. I was consumed with guilt and mad at myself for so much. I have come to see that some things are out of my control. Focusing on the past will not do me any good and I cant change anything. I need to focus on the here and now and move forward. I still carry some guilt and I think I always will. I still blame myself but only because there is no one else to blame. I want to be happy and living with the "what ifs" and "maybes" are not making me happy. I need to let go of the things I can not control and focus on the things I can control. From this day on I will try my very hardest to not live in the past, I will live in the present and look towards the future!

My husband and I are so lucky to have the things we do! We are lucky to be so much in love! We are lucky to be debt free and have a nice savings account. We are lucky to have such great families. Most of all we are lucky to have each other and to have our babies! We would not be the couple we are today with out our children and they will always be in our hearts!

No matter what happens or where life brings us we will be together. At the end of the day all I need is my husband.

everything happens for a reason

Our lives will be changing alot in the next three months. We are moving on to bigger and better things. We will stick together and love each other more and more each day. I am so proud of my husband!

english class is going well!

Darin got an A on a paper he wrote for his english class. he wrote about infertility and the miscarriages, i wanted to share his paper! he did such a great job and his paper made me cry

Road to Fatherhood

My road to becoming a father started a few years ago. I had been married for a few months and a baby was next in our life plan. After more then a year of waiting, wanting, and trying my wife went to the doctor. The doctor did not have good news; my wife has Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) that meant she only has a one percent chance of getting pregnant naturally. At the time I was not too upset about it, I figured we were young and still had plenty of time to have babies. Little did I know infertility would become a huge part of who I am and my daily life. We were in the middle of packing for an upcoming move so becoming a father would have to wait. The move went a lot better then planned and when we were settled into our house my wife found a doctor. There was nothing holding us back now, we were on our way to parenthood.

I was excited to get back on the road to becoming a father but not to happy about all the test we had to have done. I was for sure the lucky one, I only had a couple test but my wife was at the doctor at least once a week for a test. We went through a couple months of test and because of my job I was not able to go with my wife for any of her tests. Looking back I really do wish I could have been there with her to hold her hand and tell her everything was ok. My wife was given the green light to start fertility drugs. I will never forget the first day she took the Clomid (fertility drug), we were both so excited and hopeful that those five little pills would help us get pregnant and I would finally be a father. A couple days after Brianna, my wife, started taking the pills we were watching an episode of CSI and I looked over at her and she was crying so hard. I asked her what was wrong and she said “I don’t know I just need to cry.” That was the first time my wife has ever cried for no reason and it was one of the side effects of the Clomid. Of course the benefits of the Clomid helping us get pregnant out weighed the side effects. I don’t think I was ready or prepared for how much more emotional my wife had become and I was defiantly not ready for her mood swings. She would be happy one minute and then all of a sudden she would be crying like a baby. If I said something nice or sweet, like “I love you” she would cry. Still to this day my wife cries about the smallest things and she is more emotional then ever before. When we moved to North Dakota it was easy for me to make friends, but for my wife it was and still is hard. She says she often feels left out for not having kids. I guess it is different for guys, I have never felt left out for not having kids. Although there have been events and parties we have gone to and I have noticed we are the only couple with out kids. I did my best to be there for my wife during this time but for her the infertility was so much harder. She was the one with the issue and she blamed herself for not being able to make me a father. For me the infertility was something I knew nothing about but I have never once blamed my wife.

Growing up my father was not really around. He was never a man I looked up to and I certainly didn’t want to be like him. I wanted to prove that I could be a better father then he ever was. The day we found out my wife was pregnant will forever be one of my favorite memories. I had the day off work and my wife was not feeling well. She is very hard headed and didn’t want to go to the doctor at all. Through out the day she got more and more sick so I told her we had to go to the emergency room. They ran a few tests and about an hour after being there the doctor came into the room. He said “You are going to have a baby.” I could not have been happier then I was right in that moment. We had waited so long to hear those words. We tried so hard to create our child and I was so excited to be a father. All our dreams had come true and we were done trying to have a baby, our baby was on his way. I could already picture it; I was going to be so close to our baby and teach him everything I knew as he grew up. I wanted to be a mentor for him and make some of the best memories. I was going to be the best father I could be. We spent the next month or so telling our family and friends the good news. Everyone knew about our infertility struggle and they were so overjoyed.

One June day all of our excitement and dreams turned into sadness and fear. My wife went to the doctor for blood work and the news was not good at all. Brianna’s HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were going down and we were losing the baby. We were lying in bed watching TV and my wife was lying with the heating pad trying to ease some of her pain. She told me the pain was getting worse and I wanted so badly to be able to take all the pain away. I wish I was the one in pain so she didn’t have to go through that. I felt so powerless and weak. Brianna is so stubborn and wanted to stay home instead of going to the emergency room. It got to the point where she was on the floor in our bedroom unable to stand. I got her in the car and as I was driving to the emergency room I couldn’t help but think of everything I was losing. I was not going to be able to teach my baby anything, I was not even going to get to hold my baby. The emergency room seemed so quiet as if we were the only ones that needed help that night. My world seemed as if it was standing still, I was watching the nurse put the IV into my wife’s arm and it was like slow motion. My head was racing with all the memories that I was not going to be able to make. I sat in the chair next to my wife’s bed and I could not help but cry. I took her hand and I told her we would get through this. My heart was breaking as the ultrasound technician said the baby had died. Just the day before I was going to be a father, now the baby was dead and my wife needed me more then ever.

Brianna was released from the hospital a few hours later with a paper about miscarriage and told to call her doctor for a follow up. I remember walked through the emergency room doors to get the car, it was dark, humid, and raining. We got in the car and headed for home. My wife said “we should be leaving the hospital with a baby.” Instead we were leaving with broken hearts. My wife was put on bed rest for a couple days to recover. Brianna is not the type to sit around all day and do nothing so it was a challenge for me to keep her in bed. We spent a couple days watching her favorite movies and scrap booking. I had never really been to fond or scrap booking but I have to say it was very relaxing at the time and nice to look back at all the pictures we had from fun trips. When the doctor gave her the go ahead to get out of bed she wanted to go out but she didn’t want to see anyone. I remember thinking “how the heck can I take her out and not see anyone?” Then it came to me, FISHING! There is a small pond in Glenburn that was never really that busy so it would be a perfect outing. I packed us a picnic lunch and didn’t tell her where we were going. As we heading for the main gate of the base Brianna began to cry, I asked her what was wrong and she said “the last time we left the base we were on our way to the hospital.” My heart sank and all I could do was say “I know” and keep driving. We got to the pond and I told her we were going to fish. A huge smile came over her face. I had not seen her smile like that in over a week. We didn’t catch any fish but for the three hours we were there it felt like we were our old selves again. We laughed and just had a great time.

Since losing the first baby we have done everything we can to get pregnant. We found out November 5th 2010 that Brianna was pregnant again. Again we were so excited but this time was different. The risk of having another miscarriage seemed to be at the top of our list of things to think about. She was put on light bed rest and told not to do any shoveling or heavy lifting. November 26th 2010 we went in for an ultrasound and we got to see the baby’s heartbeat! It was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. Then on December 7th 2010 my wife started to bleed and she called her doctor. He sent us for another ultrasound on the 9th and the baby had no heartbeat. We were told to go home and wait for the miscarriage to happen. We were heartbroken again and now we were just waiting. On December 12th 2010 Brianna was in pain and the miscarriage had begun. This one was a lot faster then the first one and we had no plans to go to the hospital again. A few hours after it started Brianna went into the bathroom and the baby came. I did not want to see it but she wanted to hold it and save it so she could bring it to the doctor and have it tested. She has said many times it was easier the second time because she got to hold our baby. The testing showed it was a baby girl and she had chromosome issues and that is what led to her death. Since then we have done more rounds of Clomid but have been unable to get pregnant.

I can say that there are a few good things that have come out of all this. I live everyday to the fullest and I am stronger then I ever thought I could be. I have learned you need to fight for what you want and never let anything hold you back. My wife and I have become so much closer and I love her more today then I did the day we got married. Life has not been easy for us but we make it work and we always come out of every hardship a stronger couple. We are very lucky to have each other and I could not imagine spending my life with anyone else. I ask my self the same question over and over again and the answer is always the same. Will I ever be a father? I am not sure but I know our children have taught me to be the best person I can be. So I am not the father of living children but I am the best father I can be for our babies in heaven.

all over the place

I feel like tonight has gone by very slow and very fast at the same time. Work was crazy slow so that was a bust but I did get laundry done and made banana pumpkin bread. I have baked three days in a row now and I am done baking for a while. I love to cook, I like to make up my own recipes and make them great. Baking is not that fun, everything has to be measured and done just right. The best thing about baking is how amazing the house smells! So Darin's paper for his English class (he wrote about infertility and the miscarriages)has been graded and he got an A. He did a great job on the paper and the e-mail the teacher wrote about the paper was awesome. I am so proud of him! I really wish I could shut my mind off just for a minute so I could go to sleep. I feel so bad that Darin is working and unable to sleep so I don't sleep so I "can feel his pain" so to speak. I cant seem to stop thinking about everything. I wish I could go back in time and do some things over, but why even bother thinking about it, I cant change the past.

anxiety

Anxiety is getting the best of me today. I made a stupid mistake last night when I was doing something important and I didn't notice it until it was to late. I am so annoyed at myself for it. We are a little more then a week away from Darin's PT test and I am getting more and more anxious about it. He thinks he is going to pass it so why am I so anxious? Before the first miscarriage I never had an issue with anxiety. It seems now I just cant shake this feeling, worried and scared, almost all the time. I think I might go back on the Zoloft till we try to get pregnant again. I guess I will just think about it and try to figure out a way to relax.

busy busy busy

September is turning out to be one busy month! Darin has two classes and still needs to find some time to take a clep test. I am working as much as I can, yes that is right I have a job. Darin is working tons but that is nothing new. His PT test is on the 27th! I am a little nervous about it but I think he is going to do great! We went to the shoulder doctor today and I think we finally have some answers as to what is causing the pain. Darin needs to commit 100% to physical therapy and get a CT scan. He may need surgery but we have to talk about it alot more and see what the CT scan says before we decide. I went to the OB on Monday and he took me off the Metformin and put me on a different fertility drug but I wont take those till next month. It is getting colder out and I am getting more and more excited for fall! I have had the Halloween decorations up since August and soon I will be adding birthday decorations. I am 90% sure I am going to have a surprise birthday party for Darin this year! Once Darin has another day off we are going to Mandan to go to Papa's Pumpkin Patch. September is going to continue to be a busy and important month for us.

September is here

Well this is it! It has hit me that it is September and this is a HUGE month for us. First it will start at the doctor and I am freaking out a bit. I am pretty sure I am freaking out about nothing because my doctor is not great and will probably say a bunch of nothing. Maybe just maybe I am freaking out because there is a reason to freak out. Darin is taking two college classes and so far he is doing really good! He will have his degree by December, I am so proud of him! At the end of this month our future will be a little more set in stone. We will have a better idea of what is to come but waiting is not easy. Some days I am fine and don't think about it but other days I get a little nervous and think about what it is going to be like to know what is going on. I hate being in limbo and I feel like we have been in limbo for far to long. I am so lucky I have the husband I do and no matter where we end up or what life throws at us we will be together and that is all that matters. Also I am sick of people complaining! Facebook is getting pretty bad, it seems like every other status is a complaint about something. I guess no matter what there is always something to complain about but at the end of the day you need to look at how great your life is.

Days Go By....

It is 9am and the house is so peaceful. It is not to bright nor to warm. Shadow and Spooky are relaxing, Darin is sleeping, and I am sitting on the couch. The past few days have been great. It seems like our luck is turning around and things have been going our way. I hope this luck last a while but is it really luck? Or are we just stepping up more and getting what we want? September will be here in a couple days and this is a big month for us. Many decisions will be made and hopefully we will have a pretty good 5 year plan. We have been through many hardships in our lives together but we have always come out on the other side stronger. I am very lucky to have the husband I do! No matter what happens or what life throws at us we will face it together and be strong.

Some very very good news....As long as things go as plan Darin is three classes away from his degree and he is taking two of them now and if he doesn't have the time to clep out of the third one then it starts in October. I was helping Darin edit a paper he wrote the other day and I forgot how much I love writing.

I started this blog because we were moving and it was a good way for our families to keep up with our lives but it has turned into so much more. After losing the baby I was able to come here and get out all my feeling and push on through my day or in the middle of the night when all I could do was cry I was able to get on here and write it out. Some people may think I get to personal on here but I see it as being helpful. Many people go through the same emotions and some of the same struggles and most of those people feel alone. Reading my blog helps some people realize they are not alone and it helps them open up and talk about it. I have always said I would rather be open about my struggles, even embarrassed at times, if I can help one person deal with their pain.

I have some reading I need to get done and I am going to have some breakfast. I wish moments of peace like this could last forever but my day must go on. I am in a good mood and I am going to try my hardest to stay in a good mood. Sometimes I get all wrapped up in the negative in my life and I forget about all the positive. Well here is to a great day and being happy!

rOaD tRiP!!!!

We went to Mall of America! It was a great weekend! We left Friday morning about 9am and got there that night about 6:30pm. We checked into the hotel and then went and walked around the mall for a couple hours. We ordered room service and hung out in bed till we went to sleep! On Saturday we got up at 8:30am (if you know us then you know that is very early) we walked abound the mall a bit then went to the Aquarium. We did a little shopping then went to Bubba Gump for lunch! After lunch we left the mall to go to Costco! I spent way to much money but at least now we have enough trash bags to last 2 years! We went right back to the mall and did even more shopping and tons of walking! Darin did a flight simulation thing and it was like he was flying the plane. He said it was alot of fun! We had dinner at the Rainforest Cafe and then went to the bar at Cadilac Ranch. We got food to go for later in the hotel and Darin rode the bull! We got back to the hotel about 9pm and just hung out. Sunday morning we woke up at 9am and packed up the car and checked out of the hotel. We stopped at Cabela's to look around and do some shopping. It was a huge store and they even had an Aquarium! We stopped for lunch a couple hours away and got home at about 7pm. It was a long drive but worth every minute! We went a little over budget but not much. We both had a great time and we are already thinking about places to go in October! We left Shadow and Spooky alone the whole time and I have to say I was freaking out a bit, but they were both fine when we got home!

pregnant? not this month

Here is some TMI for you....I got my period so I am for sure not pregnant. I am sad the Clomid didn't work again. I made an appointment to see my OB and I will make him put me on something else (once our break is over) We are taking a break from infertility treatments because I am sick all the time from all the pills. I cant leave the house most days because I am so sick and I want my life back. I want to be able to go shopping and not have to worry about being sick, or make plans with friends and not have to worry about being sick, or go on a road trip with my husband and not worry about being sick. I guess I am just sick of being sick! We will take a little break and focus on all the good instead of on the maybe. We will try again and I am sure some of you are thinking "maybe it will just happen while you are taking a break" that would be nice but I have a disease so it wont just happen, we have to make it happen.

On to some awesome news! Darin and I are going to Mall of America very soon!!! It is about an 8 hour drive and we are going to be there for three days and two nights! I am very excited to get away from Minot for a while and relax, oh and do tons of shopping!!!!

Oh one more thing. People are truly awesome! Some people suck but I have met such nice people in my time as a Military wife. Some people are so nice and caring, it is nice to see that when sometimes there is so much negative.

relaxing?!

Well it has been so long since I last blogged! My period is due on the 8th and I kind of want to pee on a stick and I kind of don't want to know either way. If I am pregnant I cant tell Darin the good news for over a month(long story) If I am not pregnant then we just go on with our lives and not do fertility drugs for a few months. This month was our last chance to get pregnant for a few months. I could put off the day I find out if I am or am not pregnant for ever. I like being close to my period but not knowing. It is relaxing because I'm not on fertility drugs, I don't need to lay down after sex, and I'm not sure if I am pregnant so I am not freaking out about loosing the baby. I guess on August 8th this relaxing feeling will be over and I will be upset because I get my period or happy/scared because I am pregnant. I cant keep you updated because either way Darin will think I get my period so I cant blog about it.

hard week....

It has been a hard week. I am crazy emotional and crying about pretty much everything. Some days I feel like shit and feel like I ruined Darin's life. I want to make my husbands life easier and sometimes I feel like all I do is make it harder. I have never felt like this in the past and I hate it. He tells me I didn't ruin his life and nothing is my fault but sometimes I cant help but blame myself. It IS my fault we cant get pregnant and I am sure it IS my fault we lost the babies. I was the one who fell apart and needed Darin to put me back together. I feel like I distract him and I need him to much sometimes. I cant shake this feeling of guilt, I don't want to feel like this but I cant help it. I know life is not easy but I just wish it was not so hard sometimes.

period....

Why do I even have hope? I got my period today and need to go get more Clomid later. I will start the Clomid on Sunday and see what happens. I feel like crap right now. Why are we not pregnant? What the heck happened? I really don't get it, why did the Clomid work twice and now it is not working? I feel lost today and sad. Another month of trying with nothing in the end.

to be or not to be?

My period is due in two days and yesterday I was spotting for a few hours. I thought my period was coming for sure but the spotting stopped and so far there is no spotting today. Usually when I have spotting before my period it gets worse then I get my period. I really don't know what to think, I have some symptoms of being pregnant but then again it could all be in my head. I feel more and more crazy each day.

On to other things....Darin is sick and went to the doctor and they said he has some kind of virus. He is on meds and they told him to go back in on Friday if he didn't feel better. Poor guy hates going to the doctor but I am glad I made him go. I also made him start taking a vitamin every day so maybe it will help him not get sick again. The doctor told him to rest so he spent most of the day on the couch. We watched Red Riding Hood and it was a really good movie! I was upset yesterday so we cheated a little and ordered pizza. I regret eating the pizza because we really are eating alot healthier but it was yummy.

Infertility News

Only five more days till my period is due and I am freaking out a little bit. I have had some very light pink spotting off and on for a couple days and we hope it is implantation bleeding. I wish I could take a pregnancy test now but I know no matter what it is to early. Right now, like so many other months, I am stuck between a baby and a period. Being pregnant again will give us another chance and maybe the progesterone will help keep the baby till term. If I am pregnant it is going to be exciting and scary all at the same time. I need to go to town this week and get more progesterone just in case I am pregnant. Yesterday I was saving all my "Months" blogs to the flash drive, I read them and cried. It was hard reading about the baby we lost. The baby that should be 6 months old on the 6th. The second baby was due on July 12th and I have to say I am not dreading it like I dreaded January 6th. It is crazy to think I would have a 6 month old or be getting ready to have a baby. Oh well, lets just hope we have a March baby!!!!

Independence Day!

I am getting really annoyed with people complaining that the fireworks are so late (around 11pm, when it gets dark) and they have to work tomorrow so the fireworks should have been done last night. I don't see why people think the world revolves around them. There are many troops deployed right now that wont get to do anything for this holiday and there are tons of people (my husband included) that have to work today. I think people should just be happy that they can spend time with friends and family when so many people cant. Most of (I did not say all) the wives here do nothing but complain about when and how much their husbands work and most of them would freak out if their husbands had to work Security Forces hours. My husbands days off are taken more often then not so don't expect sympathy from me when you complain that your husband had a day off taken away once in the past three years. Shit happens and these guys need to focus on what they are doing not listening to their wives bitch. I wish people would remember that Independence Day is not about fireworks and BBQ's, it is about our freedom and the troops who fight or have fought for us to be free. Many people saw this as a four day weekend and to me that is wrong! Yes it is nice to have time off work but the holiday means alot more then swimming and drinking. Ask any troop deployed right now and I am sure he can give you the real meaning of Independence Day and not say anything about fireworks or drinking. I will think of the deployed troops today and I will not complain about something stupid and I will be grateful to be safe at home.

in the infertility news....

It is CD16. I went in for the ultrasound and it hurt so bad. Darin was able to come with me (for the first time) and has said he never wants to go back. He hated seeing me in so much pain. He was so sweet and stayed up late just to go with me and held my hand the whole time. Just like in April my follicles were not big enough so Dr. Billings wanted me to go back in two days and have it done again. With the flood and all the pain Darin and I decided not to go back for another ultrasound so we could not do the trigger shot. We are doing this month just like before with just the Clomid, oh and I am on progesterone. At first I was freaking out about the progesterone because I did not want to have to insert it every day. I thought it was going to be gross and messy but it really is not to bad. I should have ovulated or will ovulate sometime this week. We have started having sex and that is always fun! I still have little hope that we will get pregnant this month but I am trying very hard to be positive! I guess I am very good at thinking the worst then trying to talk myself into believing the best. There is just so much running through my head right now it is hard to keep it all straight! Darin has to work all weekend and Brittany wants to go a girls night! I have not seen Brittany in way to long so I cant wait to hang out with her!!!

FLOOD FIGHT 2011

There is a pretty bad flood in Minot right now! We are on base, safe, and dry! It breaks my heart to see so many people have to leave their homes. We dropped off a box of donations today and I wish there was more we could do. There are so many people that may not even have a home to go back to. this is a link to the news facebook page! They have been great with updates and they are running the news 24/7 till this is all over. Everyone has come together to help anyone that needs it! It has been amazing to watch how nice people can be.

ONE YEAR!!!!

One year ago today we lost our first baby. It was the hardest day of my life and I think about our baby everyday. Today is a hard day! I feel like my chest is tight and I cant breath. A whole year has gone by and I still have empty arms! I have wanted to have a baby for so long and it just seems to be getting harder and harder. Our baby would be almost 6 months old right now. I still blame myself and would do anything to go back in time and try to do it right. I could not do this with out my husband, I am so very lucky to have him! I want my baby back, I want to hear him laugh, I want to hear him cry, I want to feed him, and I want to rock him to sleep. I had so many hopes and dream for that little tiny baby. We had so much love to share with him! I would have loved to know if the baby looked more like me or more like Darin. Would his eyes be blue or brown? Would he have Darin's smile? Would he have my laugh? I will never know anything about our baby and just be left with questions. I would give anything to be able to hold my baby and tell him how sorry I am and how much I love him! This baby will always be our first child and he will always have a place in my heart. A year ago today I felt like my world was going to end and today I keep reliving the moment in my head. Could I have done something different? Could I have saved him? Again I will forever only have questions with no real answers. The day the test was positive we became parents and our baby forever changed our lives! I guess that is all! I will end this blog with one more question. Did he know how much we loved him?

tomorrow....

I go in at 8am tomorrow for the ultrasound to see if my follicles grew! I am so scared because I don't think the Clomid worked! I know I need to be positive and all that shit but I am just not sure. Tomorrow is also one whole year since we lost the first baby. I hope we get good news at the ultrasound so the day wont be all bad! I really wish Darin was off tomorrow and able to spend the day with me and drive me to and from the doctor. I hate that the ultrasound is so painful! I am so nervous about tomorrow I don't know how I will be able to sleep tonight!

Fathers Day Weekend!

Fathers day weekend was awesome!!!! Last year on fathers day I started to miscarry so this year I was making up for it. Friday I got Darin cake truffles in the shape of little beer bottles! Saturday we packed up the truck and headed to Bismarck! We ate at Texas Road house and went to see bull riding! Our seats were pretty good and we got to meet some of the riders! We then drove back to Minot and hit a crazy scary storm but made it home safe. Oh crap I almost forgot, on the way to Bismarck I hit a bird(for the first time ever). Sunday I woke Darin up with a plate of fresh fruit, we had breakfast, and he went to the gym. When he got back we went food shopping then went to get food! Last night we hung out and watched movies. We both had a great time this weekend and I am glad that I could make this fathers day way better then the last one. Some of you may judge and think we are not parents because our babies died but I could care less what you think. My husband is a great father and we will forever celebrate fathers day!

Last day of the Clomid

Today is the last day of the Clomid! I will go in on Tuesday and have the ultrasound to see if my follicles grew. I am really nervous because I don't think the Clomid worked this time. I am still taking the progesterone and it has not been as bad/messy as I thought it would be. My stomach is killing me today and for some reason I have a very weird feeling today. I cant really explain it I just feel off. I don't know how to feel about everything this month. It has for sure been a rough month so far, I am just ready for it to be over!

stress

Right now the hubby and I live in a house filled with stress. After getting no real answers at the genetic doctor and starting progesterone it has been a little intense. I wish I didn't have to put Darin through all this shit and I wish I didn't have to stress him out. It sucks even more because the military could care less what life is like at home, they expect everyone to be 100% all the time and that is just not possible. We are both ready to fast forward a few months and see where life is then because right now is no walk in the park! I don't need things to be easy I just need them to be a little easier then they are now and I want some answers to at least some of my million questions. I hate to say it but we might need a break (from baby making) after this month. Not trying is stressful because it is something we both want so bad but trying is more intense and fucking with our heads. I really wish we could go back in time a few years, it would change our lives! Sometimes I really cant help but blame myself for everything. Some days I just feel like everything is my fault and Darin would be better off with someone else. I know he doesn't feel the same way but sometimes I just cant help the way I feel. I start the Clomid today and I am scared out of my mind about it. I am already emotional so adding the Clomid is just going to make it so much worse! It is going to be a long hard week!

progesterone

Today my period started so it is CD1, that means a new month of trying for a baby. The genetic doctor was awesome! He explained everything so well. I started progesterone suppositories today and I have to say I thought it was going to be crazy weird but it is not that bad. I will have to do it everyday until I get my period next month or until my 12th week of pregnancy. I will start the Clomid on Saturday and I really hope everything goes well this time! I hope it is a great month and all our dreams come true!!!

sometimes all i can do is cry!

The day before a big doctors appointment is always very hard for me. A million things run through my head and I cant stop thinking/crying. Right now I feel bad for my hubby. I hate that I have to put him through this shit. I feel like I need to blame myself even more because I know he doesn't blame me. Tomorrow they could tell me that I can never have a healthy baby and I hate that I then will have to make Darin decide between me and a baby. It is not fair for him at all and I feel like a shitty wife. I know in my heart that Darin loves me but sometimes I just want him to hate me and blame me at least half as much as I blame myself! He is such a great guy and deserves someone that can give him everything he wants and more. I really hate the day before a big doctors appointment and I am sure tomorrow after the appointment we will have more questions and no real answers just like every other time! I get myself all worked up and bothered over the craziest crap.

fReAkInG oUt!!!!

This is a crazy month and I am freaking out. Darin has the BOP list in and once we find out he is going to reenlist. I am scared that he wont be able to reenlist and he told me that he is pretty sure he will/can reenlist. We go to see the genetic doctor on Wednesday! Since all of our blood work is coming back normal I am 90% sure they are going to tell us the same crap we already know, but what if they tell us we can NEVER have a healthy baby? I am stressing out so much this week. I also have to stop and pick up my Clomid while we are in town on Wednesday. My period should be here in 6ish days and then three days after it starts we will start the Comid. Today is a little overwhelming, I stopped doing something I like to move onto bigger and better things, I just hope it will work out. I feel like my whole world is going to end sometimes. I hate when I panic and feel nervous for no reason. Since the very first round of Clomid I have been crazy and it is not fun. Thank goodness I have Darin!!! I really don't know what I would do with out him!

he is home!!!

Darin has been home since Saturday and went back to work yesterday. I feel like I have not had any time to spend with him. We are going to the genetic doctor on Wednesday and I have to say I am freaking out! Darin put in his BOP list last night and I am excited but afraid all at the same time! I hope we get our BOP, then Darin is going to put in the reenlistment paperwork and that is way more scary. I hope it doesn't get denied and he is able to reenlist with no issue! So many things are going on this month I hope it all works out and everything goes at least a little according to plan. I am so crazy excited that Darin is home! I missed him so so much. We are going to town this weekend to get a lawn mower and maybe go to lunch!

love yourself always!

I am not feeling to good today. My stomach is killing me! I have done pretty good about staying busy while Darin was gone and he will be back tomorrow!!! I cant wait to see him. I know he has only been gone for two weeks but I missed him so much! I have been relaxing today, trying to get better, and listening to music. There is a nail in my tire so I have to bring the car to walmart to get a new tire because they are under warranty, thank goodness. We are doing the Clomid again in June and I have to say I am not excited at all! I want a baby so bad but I am sick of feeling like shit because of all the drugs and stuff. I wish life was easy and we had no struggles but then again Darin and I have become so much stronger as a couple. I would not trade my life with him for anything in this world! He makes me feel so good all the time, he is strong when I cant be, he is funny when I need to laugh, he really is the love of my life! All week people have been telling me things that I just don't want to hear. I am really to nice sometimes because I will sit here and listen to anything you want to tell me but you are no where to be found when I need help. I think that no matter what you look like you should be comfortable in your own skin! Some people are only ugly because they think they are ugly. I am so happy to feel good about the way I look. Darin will say I am to conceited and at times I am but I think it is very good to love yourself! That's all I have for now I may write more later.

11 months...(a day late)

I have been thinking and thinking about what to write and nothing is coming to me. I miss my baby so much and I can not believe we are only one month away from a year. I should have an almost 5 month old baby but I don't. I didn't get to have newborn pictures done, I didn't get to hold my baby, I cant see my baby smile, or hear him laugh. I sit here with empty arms thinking of what could have been. Emotionally today is a million times better then it was the day we lost the baby. I felt so weak the day we lost the baby, so empty, so sad, and millions of other things, today I can proudly say I feel strong! I feel like no matter what happens I can make it through! I love my husband and I love both of the babies that we lost! I will never hold them or hear them laugh but I will always know them!

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden

I am having trouble sleeping but I guess that is nothing new. I slept about four hours and I am tired but I just cant go back to sleep. I called housing again because of our yard and I had to leave a message. When we moved in it was all dirt and we were told that the yards would not be turned over to us until they were established, well I still have more dirt then anything and I told them I would not take the yard. Last year I showed them pictures and they said someone would come out after winter, no one has come so I called about a month ago. They said they would look into it and call me back no one called back so I called again. They said the same thing and again no one called me back so I called this morning and left a message. If no one calls me by Thursday I am going into the office and I will make someone figure it out while I am there. I am so sick of the housing office giving me the run around. I am so excited to put in our BOP list so we can get out of here!

I miss Darin a whole bunch! I am having his truck detailed on Wednesday! I am so crazy happy that we have the truck paid off!!! I feel so lucky to have such a great husband! He really is the perfect guy for me! I locked Shadow in the hall closet yesterday. I was putting stuff away before I showered and he must of run in there while I wasn't looking. When I was done in the shower Spooky was sitting by the door and I thought that was weird so when I opened the door Shadow was laying on the sheets. He didn't seem to mind being in there but I don't want his fur all over the clean sheets. I have a doctors appointment today and I hope it goes well.

Lost with out my love

Well Darin has been on vacation now for a few days and I am going crazy with out him. I have been cleaning and I made a sauce but there is not much to do when my husband is gone. I don't have anyone to clean up after, there is hardly any laundry, not many dishes, and I have no one to cook for! I miss him so much! I feel kind of lost with out him. It is nice that when I clean it stays clean alot longer but I love cleaning up after Darin, it makes me feel like I am doing something. I have been watching My Name is Earl off and on for a few days and I am on season four! I love this show.

pain pain go away and dont come back some other day

After all the ultrasounds, pills, and the shot I really thought we would get pregnant this month. I was so sure with symptoms and all. Wow how wrong was I? I hear many people say after a miscarriage that they would have rather never had a positive then loose the baby. I think the opposite, I would rather get pregnant and loose the baby then never be pregnant at all. Sometimes I am sad when I get my period and other times I am happy for a new start. This month is very very hard! I feel so empty and alone right now. I have always had bad periods but since the two miscarriages they have been so much worse! My cramps are so bad I can hardly move, I just want to curl into a ball and cry! I feel like the past two months have been hell, all the pills make me so sick and moody. I want it to all be worth it in end but what if it never is? I want to stay strong and keep trying but on days like this I just want to stop! I want to stop taking pills that make me sick, I want to stop having ultrasounds that leave me in tears, I want to stop being emotional, I want to stop listening to people talk shit, and I want to stop having periods that me feel like I am going to die! I just want to STOP it all and move on with my life. Then I think about our babies and I cant give up!

not pregnant...

I am not really sure how to put into words how I feel. I was so sure the drugs worked and we got pregnant for sure, I guess I should not have got so excited. Darin left today and wont be back in time to try this month so we will wait till June to go back on the Clomid. That is all I have to write today I have been up since 4am and cant nap. It is going to be a long day and a long few weeks.

wAiTiNg...

I feel like I do not know the meaning of waiting! Darin and I decided we are going to wait till the 23rd for me to go in and have a pregnancy test, well today we went to the hospital for his MRI and our plans for waiting were ruined. We wanted to have a pregnancy test today but I had to put in a message for my doctor on base because my referral for my OB expired (OOPS) so I cant see him of have him order anything till the 19th when I have the referral renewed. So we are now waiting for my doctor to call and let me know if he will order the test for tomorrow or if he is going to make me wait. Sometimes I feel like all I do is wait and sometimes I just cant wait! Unless you are infertile you will never understand the crazy that goes on in my head.

On a non baby related topic, Darin and I had pictures taken today!!! I have to say I looked pretty hot and Darin looked so handsome. We had so much fun! Darin leaves for NC very soon and I am excited for him but I am going to miss him so much!!!

to pee or not to pee?!

My new years resolution was to not pee on a stick. We are five months into the year and so far so good. This month is the first time this year we have done fertility drugs and I have a real chance of being pregnant. My period is due in four days and I want to pee on a stick!!! I know it sounds weird but I miss the exciting feeling I get walking into the bathroom with the test. I want to stay strong and I really want to make it all year with out peeing on a stick! If I pee on a stick now and it is positive then I can tell Darin before he leaves but the first time I was pregnant two days before my period was due the test was negative even though I was pregnant.

I think I am just going to wait as long as I can to go in and have the blood test done. I hope I can wait until at least May 23rd. As of right now I am doing everything as if I am pregnant just in case. I don't want to do anything that could hurt the baby. I am on light bed rest and it hasn't been to bad. I am still cooking and cleaning but no heavy lifting or anything like that. I feel pregnant and Darin thinks I am pregnant so fingers crossed!

Weekend fun!

I had such a great weekend with my hubby! Friday we went food shopping and cheated on our diet by getting fast food. We have been doing so good on the diet but I guess everything in moderation is ok. Saturday we went to town! We went to Slumberland to look at recliners, we found and awesome electric one that laid all the way back like a bed. We didn't buy anything right away, we left and went to Main Street. We bought Becky (my sister) a BLUE knife, and we got stuff that is made in ND for Darin to bring to his family in NC. We were talking about the recliner and figured we would go back and look again. We were ready to buy the electric recliner with the sale it was only about $500, as we were walking to the counter we walked by the recliner and I noticed the plug! DUH of course it plugs in it is electric, the plug does not work for us though because the recliner would pretty much be in the middle of the room. Darin and I both had a pretty dumb moment, he was thinking it ran on gas for some reason and I was thinking it had a battery. Needless to say we both felt pretty dumb but in our defence it was pretty early in the day. We spent another half hour or so looking at the other recliners that didn't plug in. We found a nice big one that rocks and reclines pretty far back! With the sale it was only $652 and that is with the five year warranty!!! I will post a picture of it! Now on to Sunday (Mother's Day) we called everyone to wish them a happy mothers day, Darin made pancakes, sausage, and eggs for breakfast. We went to town again and did some shopping. Darin needed a couple more things for his trip and litter was on sale so we got a bunch of that. I wanted to get ten litters and Darin looked at me like I was crazy so we compromised and got five. All in all we really had a great weekend! He has to work tonight then he is off till next month! He will be in NC for about 16 days oh and we are having pictures done tomorrow!!! We were going to have pictures done outside but if it rains we have to move them inside. Life is so good right now and I am very lucky! Fingers crossed for a positive pregnancy test!!!!

Pregnancy Test...

I went to the doctor on base yesterday because I have felt like crap. I am on Metformin and I thought my blood sugar might have been low because I have felt dizzy and faint. Turns out my sugar is fine, the doctor ran a bunch of test and everything has come back normal. He tested for a UTI and he said it looks like there may be the very start of a UTI, so I was told to drink cranberry juice. He did a pregnancy test and it did not come back positive or negative. The doctor said my beta levels were higher then they would be if I was not pregnant but not high enough to say I am for sure pregnant. So the levels could be what they are because I am pregnant or because the ovedrill shot is still in my system. All in all we have no answer as to why I feel like crap and no for sure answer about being pregnant or not. I guess we will just wait and see. I am not sure how I feel, I want to be excited that the test was not negative but I don't want to get my hopes up!

In my crazy infertile mind (or for real) I have some symptoms of being pregnant: I feel like I am going to throw up, I am peeing more, and my nipples are killing me. The first pregnancy I felt like this a week before we found out I was pregnant so maybe it is a good sign, the second pregnancy I didn't really have any symptoms (other then peeing more) till 5 weeks.

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was

Osama Bin Laden was killed by the U. S. Military. All the troops are in my thoughts and I hope everyone is safe. I hope nothing happens and my husband still gets to go on leave. He is looking forward to seeing his family and it will suck if he cant go! Being a Military wife is not easy, I feel bad when my husband has to work crazy long hours and deployments are not fun. I know no matter what my husband will always want to be in the Military. The hours might suck and being away from family is hard but he loves his job. I am so very proud of my husband for everything he does! He is such a strong man and a loving husband.

On to the baby news! My period is due in 11 days. I feel really dizzy and faint, I think the Metformin is messing with my blood sugar I am going to the doctor tomorrow. So far through out the day I feel like I am going to throw up off and on, I am peeing more but I pee alot as it is, and my nipples are pretty freaking sore. I hope all of this is a good sign but we wont know for at least 11 days. On May 13th I can go in for a pregnancy test but I am going to try my hardest to wait till May 23rd just in case my period shows up. Of course if my period doesn't show up on time I will get my hopes up and as of right now I am doing everything as if I am pregnant already so I don't mess anything up! Tonight when we clean Shadow and Spooky's room (yes they have their own room) I will have on a mask so I don't breath in anything that could harm the baby that might not even be there.

a year ago April 30th 2010

Lets start a couple days before, on April 28th 2010 I took a pregnancy test. It was negative and I was sure the Clomid didn't help me get pregnant. I sat on the floor in our closet and I cried for hours! I got myself off the floor and went on with my day not very happy at all. I was having some weird cramps (not like period cramps) but I just pushed the pain to the back of my mind. April 30th 2010 (the day my period was due) I woke up, went to the bathroom and there on the toilet paper was the dreaded first spot. I cried again and thought for sure my period was going to show up later in the day. My weird cramp pain had continued to get worse and Darin said I had to go to the ER. I told him that I could just wait till Monday and see the doctor on base because I was not pregnant. He talked me into testing again. He was upstairs and I went into the bathroom with the cup and test in hand. I peed in the cup, used the thing to put a few drops on the test, and I waited. I swear I saw two lines! I was looking at it for so long I was afraid I was imagining the two lines so I ran upstairs and made Darin look at it! That was it, the test was positive and we could not have been more excited! I got ready and we went to the ER to make sure the pain had nothing to do with the baby. Turns out I had a UTI but they did another pregnancy test at the ER and at 11:53pm the doctor came into the room to tell us we were for sure pregnant!!! Looking back on that night I remember it like it was yesterday! It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. Mine and Darin's dreams came true that night, we loved that baby more then anything! Our baby should be almost 4 months old right now, we may have empty arms but our baby will always be in our hearts.

why cry? why not cry?

My period is due in thirteen days and that means I can go in on that day and get a pregnancy test or I can wait about a week and a half and go in then for the test. I would love to know that day but then again what if I don't get pregnant. A negative test would suck and waiting for the call with the results is shitty!! I think getting my period might be a better way to find out I am not pregnant. Darin will be on vacation during all of this so it will be up to me when to go in and get tested. If I am not pregnant it will suck not having Darin here with me but if I am pregnant I can tell him in a really cute way when he gets back. I said in an earlier blog I am so torn about what to feel this month! I am going to try and wait as long as I can before I go in for the test, I really really hate waiting for that phone call.

Some days I have been filled with so much hope and truly feel like I am going to get pregnant and other times I just want to cry because I think I may never get pregnant again. I think what if I messed up my ONLY two chances to have a baby. I have been really emotional since being on the Clomid and I take that as a good sign. I was watching Gilmore Girls today and I was crying so hard because the town had the party for Rory and I thought it was so sweet. I watched some of the royal wedding and I cried for pretty much no reason. I love and hate that I cry about nothing!

WHAT IF?????

I watched this video on a fellow bloggers blog and it got me thinking. (Magen you post some awesome stuff!!!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEURQqzKjuY&feature=player_embedded


The video makes me think of my own "What if?" Here are a few I have been thinking of recently.

What if I get pregnant again?
What if I lose another baby?
What if I give up?
What if I never even started trying to have a baby?

About half the time this month I am positive and think I am going to get pregnant and this time everything will be great and we will have our baby. The other half of the time I don't think I will get pregnant or I think I will get pregnant and go on to have yet another miscarriage. I am very torn this month! I don't know what to feel or what to think most of the time. Most of the time I say I will never give up trying for a baby but sometimes all I want to do is curl up in a ball and forget about everything. Darin is such a great husband, even on my weakest days he can make me strong.

There was a "What if?" in the video that really made me think. "What if I lose myself along the way?" I feel like in a way I have lost myself. I am not even close to the same person I was a year ago. After the first round of Clomid (April 2010) I feel like infertility has become a bigger part of my life then ever before. Would I have changed this much if I have not been through infertility and the loss of the babies? I don't even think I could come close to answering this question. Infertility is a huge part of who I am and no matter what happens I will always speak up about my struggle.

When I first found out I have PCOS I suffered in silence because I was afraid of being judged and I was ashamed. It was very hard for me and I felt so alone. I read alot of blogs and talked to alot of people online and it helped so much. Knowing there are other people out there going through what I am makes me feel better. Feeling alone and ashamed is not fun at all. I do get some negative comments about talking about infertility and miscarriages but I get alot of comments from people who know and understand what I am going through. At the end of the day I write this blog not only to get my feelings out but to help other people. I want everyone to know they are not alone and there are people out there that understand. I told my husband last night that if my blog only makes one person feel better for 5 minutes that day then it makes it all worth it. If I have to talk about being sick, having sex, my period, hair on my toes, or anything else that is personal so that I can make at least one person smile then I will! Two years ago I needed support and I got it from personal stories that other people were willing to share and I feel like now I have to do the same.

I am a pretty open person and I am not really shy about anything anymore. I feel like I need to help other people because I have become so much more comfortable with my situation. I am not ashamed anymore and I will speak up about my struggle. I hope I am helping alot more people then I know with my blog. I am sure I will always have "What if?" questions and I know I will have some bad days and some great days. My husband and I will get through this together and be stronger a couple because of our struggle!

you may think its weird....

Some people might think I am weird because I take alot pictures and save stuff (like: hospital bracelets, the shot I took today, positive pregnancy test, etc.) I dont really care if people dont like it because to me all those things are memories of my babies. I cant look at my babies everyday or make new memories with them. All I have is the stuff and it all holds a special place in my heart. Mothers Day is coming up soon and I am not sure how to feel. Last year I was pregnant for Mothers Day and Darin made me breakfast in bed. I was also pregnant for Fathers Day last year and I made Darin breakfast in bed. We are panning to do the same this year and some people may judge and say we are not "real" parents but if anything, couples like us are the forgotten parents. Just because you can hold my child in your arms does not mean I am not a mother. I have two babies that never got a chance to be born and grow up but they are still my kids! When asked how many kids I have I always say two. I loved both those babies before they were even created and I already love the baby that may or may not be created in the next few days. Do I need or want Mothers Day gifts? No I just want people to recognize that I am indeed a mother.

be warned! a little TMI!!!

I had another ultrasound this morning! For the first time I had a guy do it and I must say he was kind of cute. I have no issue with who does it and I really prefer guy doctors anyway. It hurt so bad!!! It was going ok at first then he moved over to my right ovary and it all went down hill. I really think my right ovary is so sick of getting its picture taken that it hid. It took alot of pushing and tons of pain but he got a good picture. I talked to my OB and he said my follicles looked great and there were a few really big ones!!! He told me to take the Overdril shot (HCG, pregnancy hormone, shot) and to have sex this afternoon and then again tomorrow night and then every other day after that. We have not had sex in three freaking days because of the ultrasounds so I am pretty excited to get laid!!

I am still in alot of pain so I am just trying to relax until Darin wakes up. He has class tonight and next Monday is his last math class! I packed his suitcase last night and he leaves for vacation in about two weeks. I am going to miss him so much while he is away! I hope while he is gone I find out I am pregnant so I will have good news to tell him when he gets home!

Infertility Awareness Week

It is Infertility Awareness Week (April 24th to April 30th) Infertility is a disease! people can not just relax and bam they are pregnant. Darin and I have struggled with infertility for years. We are infertile because I have PCOS, Darin is perfect and there is nothing wrong with him. We NEED fertility drugs to get pregnant no matter what! We have gotten pregnant twice so far using Clomid and as most of you know we have lost both those babies. Many times Infertility is a silent disease but I refuse to keep my mouth shut about it! God has nothing to do with getting me pregnant, it is not God's will, or in God's time. I use drugs that make me sick and emotional, I see a doctor often, and Darin and I go at it, God is in no way a part of anything that gets me pregnant. It does not make me feel better when you say "oh don't be sad your baby died because it is God's will" or "just relax it will happen" or "it is against God to use fertility drugs" I have to say that dealing with Infertilty and the loss of the babies has made me the person I am today, it has brought me and Darin closer as a couple and our love is so much stronger. I would never wish this pain on anyone but it would be nice if everyone understood what it was like so they would not say hurtful things. Infertility sucks and it sucks even more if no one talks about it! I didn't talk about it for a while and it made me feel all alone! Some people don't want to hear about it and that is fine but I will not suffer in silence because infertility is taboo. 1 in 8 couple suffer from infertility and many of them suffer in silence, to afraid to speak up, or ashamed. My hope is that one day infertility will be as talked about as breast cancer. Every disease should be talked about and NO ONE should feel alone!

***This is not towards any one person! If you have an issue with something I said or a question please feel free to email me!

follicles are growing!

I just got home from the ultrasound. It did not hurt as bad as the first one, thank goodness! I am in some pain but it is not to bad. My left ovaries follicles were under 10 and my right ovaries follicles were over 10! Anything over 10 is good. The doctor doesn't want me to take the HCG shot today, he wants me to go back in a couple days for another ultrasound. I was pretty scared to go in today. The last time I had an ultrasound done at that place they told me my baby had no heartbeat. The lady called my name and I followed her to the exact same room. As I was getting undressed all I could do was cry! I looked around that room and the memory just came rushing back to me. I remember laying in that bed while Darin held my hand and the lady was trying to find a heartbeat. I remember sitting on that bed on the phone with an OB crying as he told me the baby died. So many emotions hit me in that room and I hated it! Now I have to go back in a couple days and do it all over again! I just hope we get pregnant and everything goes great!

Easter

It is crazy that Easter is Sunday and I am not running around, shopping, and cooking. Since we moved to North Dakota I have had people over for every holiday that Darin is not working. We talked about it and decided we didn't want people over on Easter this year. It is weird not having a ton of stuff to do before a holiday. The only thing we have done is color eggs, I didn't even decorate this year. I guess I don't have much to write today. I am going to pay the deposit for pictures in a little while. I am making chili for dinner and we are going to watch the Scream movies and drink a little tonight. We don't go to the movies to often but we are going tomorrow to see Scream 4 and since we are not eating out anymore I am going to pack drinks and snacks!

10 months....

Here I am 10 months after the first miscarriage, 10 months after our dreams were crushed, 10 months later and I remember the night like it was yesterday. I have to say I have been way more emotional because of the Clomid so it is hard to think about the baby with out crying. I remember that night so clearly I go through that night in my head often and think about what I could have done different. I would have fought through the pain and stayed home so I could have held the first baby like I held the second one. I should have insisted on seeing the doctor earlier! Our first child would be over three months old right now. I would have a baby right now but instead I sit here with empty arms. Last year I was pregnant on Mothers day and pregnant on Fathers day. I keep hearing stuff about mothers day and it makes me sad because many people don't see me as a mother. The people who have had miscarriages are more often then not the forgotten parents! My husband is a father and and he always will be. We may not be able to hold our child but we still loved our babies with all our hearts. If a little boy died at age 4 his mother is still a mother no matter what, so why is it different for people like me? I still work very hard everyday to become pregnant and I put my body through hell half the time. If I get pregnant this time I will be afraid that something I do could end the babies life. I am afraid that I will be to scared to enjoy the pregnancy. My husband and I have talked about it and we are ready no matter what. We are ready to have a baby just as much as we are ready to have another miscarriage. It is not the best thing to think about but knowing it could happen and what to expect I think makes it a little easier. Once my doctor says "your uterus cant take it anymore" then we will be done trying. I have talked to a girl online that has had 38 miscarriages, I could not even imagine her pain but she is still strong and still continues to try. It has been a hard week for me, the pills are making me very sick and there have been days that I just want to give up. I think about our babies and I know I cant give up, I think about Darin and how great he is to me and I find strength to keep going.

I started the "months" blogs so I could see where I was emotionally through out this experience. In only two short months it will be a year since we said goodbye. I am a totally different person today then I was before. I would never wish the pain of infertility or miscarriage on anyone but I wish more people could understand what I go through. Sometimes people say something thinking they are being helpful and nice but words hurt alot sometimes. I remember after the first miscarriage how crushed I felt and anyone going through it now please know you are not alone! You will find a way to deal with it and months later it does get easier.

I really cant say enough how great my husband is! He has put up with my crazy mood swings and held me as I cry. There has been times when I just want to give up and never look back but my hubby helps me get through it! I could never thank Darin enough for all he has done for me. He knows what to say to make me laugh and even on one of my really bad days he can put a smile on my face!

blah!

I have to say I feel like SHIT! The pills are kicking my ass and have never made me feel this bad. I still have to go in for another ultrasound then get an HCG shot then have sex and wait. I hate not feeling good because I feel like I cant get anything done. I sit here half the day trying not to throw up and the other half in the bathroom! I will do anything to have a baby and I will not give up but this time is so different then the other three. All the pills have never made me this sick! I can hardly come up with stuff to make for dinner because just thinking about food makes me want to throw up. I am so lucky to have the husband I do, he has been so sweet! He is the one that has kept me strong when I feel like giving up! We should find out the third week in May if I am pregnant or not. Darin will be on vacation so I will find out alone and then figure out how to tell him.

On to something else...We are having pictures done on May 10th and I am so excited! I am pretty sure I know what I am wearing but not sure what Darin is going to wear. I think I want him to wear his uniform but he is not to excited about that idea.

Easter Eggs!!!

We had tons of fun coloring Easter Eggs last night! Here are some pictures!

genetic doctor

As most of you know we had the second baby tested and she had chromosomes issues. My OB told us to see a genetic doctor. The doctor only comes to Minot once every six months but he is only four hours and we are able to travel and get paid back for it if we need too. We go to see him on June 8th and I have to say I am pretty excited to meet him! Dealing with the ladies in his office has been great! They are all so nice and do their best to answer all my questions. I called today to see if they got the results of our chromosome blood work and they did! Both mine and Darin's chromosome blood work came back normal!!!! That is very good news, it is starting to look more and more like the second miscarriage was just something that randomly happened. As of right now we still don't have any for sure answers but we do know that the chromosome issue only happens 1% of the time so it may never happen again! It is a big weight off my shoulders to know the blood work was normal. I wish we had some more for sure answers but I will take anything I can get! I am so excited for Darin to wake up so I can tell him the good news!!!!

mood swings...

The Clomid is not only making me sad this time around it is also making me mad! Shadow messes with the blinds on the back door and I yell at him to stop but the past few days I have wanted to throw him across the room it gets so annoying. Poor Darin came home from work this morning and I kind of yelled at him. I feel like I am going to throw up and I feel dizzy and he was just bothering me. He pointed out this morning that my mood swings have been really bad this time! I feel really bad but there is nothing I can do about it. I am so lucky my hubby is understanding and will put up with all my shit for a little while. Tomorrow is the last day of the Clomid so I hope the mood swings go away! Spooky seemed to be the only one in the house I didn't feel like yelling at this morning. I am bringing Shadow to get his fur clipped today and I am freaking out! The lady seems really nice and she does it out of her home on base and the first cut is FREE! I think I might stay and watch while she clips him, for some reason I am so afraid he is going to run away. It is really bothering me but its not like she is going to let him run around with all her doors open. Maybe I am just being to overprotective! He really does need a hair cut and I cant do it so I guess I will just have to see what happens. I am sure the lady is going to think I am crazy because I am sure I will cry when I drop him off. On a happier note Darin and I are going to color Easter eggs tonight!!! I got a really cute kit and then in a few days I am going to use the eggs to make deviled eggs!

my sister is coming to visit!!!

I talked to my sister yesterday and her, her husband, and our cousin might be coming to visit in August! The tickets are not booked yet so nothing is final but I must say I am so freaking excited! Oh and Darin has a hunters safety course the same time so he will/should be on leave!!! Becky (my sister) has been the only one to come see us in North Dakota and I cant wait for all three of them to come! I am already making plans of what to do! Peace Gardens for sure because we could not do it the last time Becky was here. Maybe we will go to the center of North America again! oh and there for sure has to be a movie night and a day where we just hang out at home and chit chat! If all goes as planned I will be about 18 weeks pregnant when they are here but I am not holding my breath for that. We will have to move around some furniture so I can hook the tv up in the spare room. I am so glad we have the futon and the twin size bed so no one has to sleep on the couch!

freaking pills!!!

Since I started the Clomid I figured I need to take all my pills without missing any. So now I feel like crap because all the pills I take make me feel sick! To make matters worse I am craving Ice Cream and I really want to eat it but Ice Cream makes me sick all the time. Usually I crave salty things when I am on my period but this time it is all about the sweets! So again the freaking computer is acting funny! I think it may be time to get a new one, at least all my files and pictures are backed up this time! I have a list of stuff I can make for dinner and none of it looks good! Oh well I guess I will figure it out. I cant wait till Monday night, after Darin's class, we get to hang out and just relax! I hate when I feel sick, I feel like I don't get anything done when I feel crappy!

sorry for all the blogs today

Ok one more blog today and I will be done till another day! Scream 4 came out today and because Darin is working we cant go see it till next week. We are going to watch the first three Scream movies and then go to the mall to see the fourth. I love scary movies and it sucks because most of them are not even scary anymore. I hope Scream 4 is really good! Darin is going to North Carolina in May, I am excited for him but at the same time it is going to suck not seeing him. I am still in alot of pain from this morning and it sucks because I have not been able to get much done. I am doing laundry and did dishes but I don't see the laundry getting put away till tomorrow. I wanted to organize the DVDs tonight but I just cant stand for to long. It is only 8pm but I think I am going to head to bed in a little while and lay with the heated blanket. I really hope the ultrasound on the 25th is not as bad as today!

Picture that you may not want to see!!!

I am posting a picture that may offend some people but when I look at this picture I see my baby girl!

The first miscarriage was very painful and I had to go to the ER. I passed the baby in the bathroom and there nothing I could do but flush. It was hard never getting to see that baby or know if it was a boy girl.

The second miscarriage was alot different! We say the baby's heartbeat and two weeks later we found out the baby died. The doctor didn't want to run test on the baby but I needed some answers! I passed the baby on a Sunday night and I got to hold her and say goodbye. I can not even put into words how it felt to hold my baby knowing it would never grow up. I kept the baby and put her in a bag so I could get her tested and figure out what happened. The next day I drove to the doctor office with my baby in my purse. It was very hard and I cried alot. I took pictures of the baby so I could always have that memory. We know why the second baby died and we know it was a girl! I have to say knowing more the second time made it alot easier to deal with.

This picture is the only picture I have of our baby girl.

pain...

I went in for the ultrasound to check my ovaries this morning and it hurt like hell! I was crying almost the whole time then I cried almost the whole way home. Darin has to work so he was not able to come with me and the next ultrasound on CD13 he has to work so he will miss it. I do alot on my own because Darin works alot and I understand that no matter what the Military comes first but sometimes it would be nice to have a ride home and I would have loved to hold his hand today.

I have been thinking and Infertility is so painful emotionally and physically. I feel bad that I cant give my husband a child and alot of the stuff I need done hurts really bad. Going through infertility you have no shame, many people see me naked and many people look "down there" alot. When I was younger I use to hate to go to the doctor, I thought it was weird and uncomfortable. Now it is just so routine for me I don't even care. Dealing with all this crap has made me alot more comfortable with my body. I want to be a mother to a baby I can hold in my arms and any amount of pain or tears will not stop me!

Last night was a great night! Darin taught me how to play NCAA 2011 and I must say it was pretty fun! I was a little drunk and half the time I had no clue what guy I was controlling but we had a good time. I am excited to play it again sober so I can really try to kick Darin's ass. Today at 2"30pm I will start the Clomid!